trigger warning: depression, suicidal thoughts, self harm, just sadness so you've been warned
michael - age 8
"it's going to be okay michael" i jumped hearing an unfamiliar voice in my room and dropped my crayon. i looked back seeing a figure that was all black. it had no face or no body. just a black figure.
"who are you?" the figure let out a chuckle as it came close to me and hugged me. i never really get hugs from mommy or daddy at all so i hugged back feeling safe. the figure had their hand out so i grabbed it.
"im your protector lovely, ill follow you wherever you go and protect you. your mommy or daddy don't want you...but i promise to love you michael" i smiled at the black figure and hugged them. they made me happy that day.
michael - age 12
"oh honey, did they bully you again?" i slammed the door to my room and nodded. the figure hugged me as i cried holding them. i decided to name them virgil. virgil really liked that name. they also wanted the boy pronounces which i didn't mind. gender is just stupid.
"you know...i have a way to make this better for you love" i looked at him and sniffed. he had no face but he made me smile just looking at him. his hand grabbed mine and he lead me to the bathroom.
"find something sharp" i nodded looking around and finally seeing one of moms razors. i looked at virgil as his hand was out. i grabbed the razor and gave it to him. he broke it leaving the blade in his hand.
"okay honey, you're gonna take this object and place it on your wrist. once you do so...you cut" i jumped and shook my head.
"won't that hurt me virgil? you said you would protect me" virgil chuckled and placed the blade in my hand. i lifted up my sleeve and felt myself tense up.
"and i am michael. i will make you go silent and you will feel numb when doing this. this is only to protect you. you know i love you. im always wanting what's best for you" i sniffed and pressed the blade on my wrist.
cut 1
i screamed but made no sound. i heard virgil whisper to me. he was in my head again. i took a deep breathe and smiled trusting him. he is the only one who cares about me. he knows what's best for me.
cut 2
i didn't feel it this time. i looked at my wrist and it was bleeding like crazy but i didn't feel the pain. i smiled and closed my eyes feeling bliss. i knew to trust virgil.
cut 3
cut 4
cut 5
michael - age 16
i feel numb. my whole body is numb. virgil made it this way. ever since i was twelve he...made me better. he made me the person i am.
"excuse me?" i jumped and looked up seeing a guy with nice hair and nice clothes. he was looking down and rubbing his neck a bit.
"so...im new here and i was just wondering if you wanted to be friends? my names jeremy. jeremy heere" he shook my hand and my heart immediately started to beat rapidly.
"my names michael mell and...yes ill be your friend" he smiled and sat next to me. i was so shocked that he didn't call me a freak or a weirdo. he kept talking to me but i was really focusing on his face. he was so pretty.
"michael no he will break your heart!" i blinked and looked down. he was in my head again. he knows what im thinking.
"you're really sweet michael" he patted my shoulder and my heart skipped a beat. i felt myself become quite flustered as i nodded. the bell then rang and he waved goodbye before leaving me love struck.
=
"what the hell was that michael! the way you looked at him....you like him don't you?!" i was rocking back and forth in my room. my fingertips felt extremely cold.
"get out of my head" i demanded and virgil screeched. i let out a loud scream and covered my ears. he went louder and louder.
"TELL ME YOU LIKE HIM!!!" he screamed in my head causing me to punch my dresser. all the things on top fell on the floor. glass shattered on the floor as well.
"GET OUT OF MY HEAD VIRGIL GET OUT GET OUT!!" i screamed louder and louder until i heard nothing. i stopped shaking and i looked around my room. he was gone. he was finally gone...for now.
=
"so you still want to hang out today?" i smiled looking at jeremy and nodded.
he suddenly put his hand on top of mine. he gave it a small squeeze before leaving to class. i blushed madly and watched him leave. i sighed lovingly and hugged my folder. i was in love.
"jeremy heere~" i said under my breathe and closed my locker. virgil hasn't been around since my incident and that was two weeks ago. i guess he's out of my life. i don't miss him. i have jeremy.
soon it was after school and i walked along with jeremy to his house. he was talking but i just wanted to hug him or maybe kiss him. i would love to be with him in that way.
once we got in his house his father told me hello and offered some pizza. we ate some while mr.heere was taking a long nap in his room. jeremy didn't like his dad due to him not getting his shit together since his wife left him and jeremy.
"okay i have what you wanted...are you sure you want to do this? i mean he's here" he nodded and grabbed my hand leading me to his basement. i couldn't help but think he was the most perfect boy. i love him. he is the boy i want to marry. i want him to be mine...that's all.
he closed the door and walked down as i was sat down on the bean bag. i took out my joint and lit it up. i inhaled it and smiled feeling relaxed. i gave it to him and blew some smoke in his face. he smiled and rolled his eyes.
"you don't have to do it jeremy. just because i do doesn't mean you should too" jeremy stuck his tongue out and smoked some of it. he coughed a lot but surprisingly not loudly. i inhaled again and blew it to the air.
"this is nice, just you and me smoking some joints" i looked at him and blushed. he makes me want him more and more. i took out my pipe and started smoking that as well.
"yeah...im glad your my friend jeremy" i faced him and he smiled grabbing my hand. he intertwined them and smiled as well.
"me too michael...im glad your my friend as well" he let go of my hand and smoked some more. my hand felt numb and i blushed madly. jeremy probably likes me! i like him! i can maybe ask him out on monday...maybe.
=
"jeremy...monday ill ask you out" i hugged my stuffed animal and i felt someone's hand on my arm. i flinched and looked up seeing virgil.
"he's going to hurt you" i covered his ears and shook my head. virgil suddenly made the whole room black and my eyes widened. he's never done this before. it's terrifying.
"NEVER FALL IN LOVE WITH HIM MICHAEL!" i shook in anger and threw the stuffed animal to the blackness. i hugged my legs and closed my eyes..
"HE LIKES ME VIRGIL! HE INTERTWINED OUR HANDS AND TOLD ME HE WAS GLAD I WAS HIS FRIEND!!" virgil screeched once again and i screamed loudly. my ears were killing me.
"DONT BE A DUMBASS! THIS BOY IS NOTHING BUT A FOOL! ARE YOU THAT STUPID ENOUGH TO FALL IN LOVE WITH HIM! AND MAY I REMIND YOU THE ONLY REASON YOU LIKE HIM IS BECAUSE HE WAS NICE TO YOU! THATS ALL IT TAKES FOR YOU TO CUM YOUR PANTS?!? YOU'RE SOOOOO EASY MICHAEL MELL!!!" i was crying loudly but i knew i was silent. virgil always makes me go silent when im screaming or crying.
"SHUT UP! YOU'RE A FUCKING LIAR!! YOU SAID YOU WOULD PROTECT ME BUT ALL YOU'VE BEEN DOING IS HURTING ME!! YOU ARE A FUCKING CUNT GET OUT OF MY HEAD!! GO AWAY! LEAVE ME ALONE! NEVER COME BACK AGAIN! GO AWAY GO AWAY LEAVE ME ALONE!!!" i was screaming so much my throat was stinging. virgil voice went lower and lower until he was dead quiet. my room then went back to normal and virgil was gone. i covered my face and sobbed. i sobbed until i couldn't think.
"i-i love him virgil" i told myself after i wiped my tears away. i finished cutting myself and was washing off. i looked in the mirror and saw my nose and eyes were very puffy along with my hair being all over the place.
=
i walked into the cafeteria and saw jeremy sitting down in our usual spot and blushed. i practiced all weekend for this so i didn't want to mess it up. i was finally going to ask the love of my life to be the love of my life.
"michael hey" jeremy and i did our handshake and sat down. i was talking about the latest thing i discovered and looked at him but he was looking somewhere else. i looked at where he was looking and my eyes widened a bit.
"jeremy what are you looking at?" he looked at me and i saw his eyes were filled with love. i felt my heart start to crack at that moment.
"christine canigula. she was in all the schools plays here and she's so pretty. her eyes her hair her smile her body her laugh her everything" jeremy looked away and stared at christine. i blinked looking down feeling my stomach sink.
"what did i tell you michael. you're a fool to think he felt the same way" i heard virgil tell me and shook my head. i heard the bell ring and stood up. i walked away from jeremy in annoyances and tried to ignore virgil telling me "i told you so"
once i went home i threw my backpack to the wall. i laid on the bed and started to cry silently. i knew to trust virgil. why did i think he was wrong?
"im sorry virgil...i was stupid" virgil appeared next to me and hugged me. i hugged back and saw my whole room turn white. i pulled away and looked around. suddenly there were flowers, grass, and trees all around me.
"woah...i didn't know you could do this" i turned around and saw virgil in front of me but he had a face. my eyes widened. he was a person. he was a bit shorter than me. he had a big blue sweater and black shorts. he wore over the knee socks and had cute shoes. he looked about my age and his hair was golden brown. he was smiling at me.
"this is me michael. i wanted to wait until you were 18 but i guess now is the right time. i was sent to you for a reason and that reason is to kill you. i lied to you and was about to do it but...then i started to like you. you were just this sweet kid who needed a friend to talk to. i made you self harm i made you do all these horrible things and im so sorry michael.." i saw virgil start to tear up so i hugged him. he sniffed and shook his head.
"i still need to kill you...but i don't want to. you're special to me...you're gorgeous" he pulled away and gave me a quick kiss. i jumped and blushed a bit as he smiled.
"i will leave you alone michael. i don't want to kill you but the longer im here the more my master tells me i have to. so i will be far away" virgil suddenly started to fade away. i held his hand and sniffed.
"ill still be here in you okay? you won't be truly alone. im still your protector" virgil kissed my head before fading away and everything went back to normal. i laid down on my bed and teared up. i lost my friend.
=
"these two months have been magical with christine" jeremy told me as i was eating my sandwich. i eternally groaned but gave him one of my fake smiles.
"that's great buddy im happy you finally have the girl of your dreams" jeremy smiled wide and i saw christine go up to him. it hurts seeing this.
"i gotta go man see you tomorrow. ready to go babe?" he kissed her and then waved goodbye. i saw them walk away and i squeezed my sandwich. i looked down and groaned.
it's been 6 months since virgil left me and i just miss him. he would have let this pain end and i would be happy. he only left to keep my safe. virgil's the one i want to love but...jeremy is the one i love instead.
jeremy just makes my heart flutter. i want to stop liking him but it's extremely hard. jeremy has this smile that makes me go weak and the way he hugs me sometimes it's irresistible to not want to kiss him.
i walked home seeing the sky looking a bit grey. it's always been grey since virgil left. he made the world a bit brighter by just being there. once i opened the front door i walked to my room and slammed my own door. everyday i expect to see virgil standing right there but he never comes.
i sat on the corner of my bed and looked around my room. i remember virgil being at the door for the first time and he made me feel safe. then he helped me even though it harmed me.
i closed my eyes and felt myself wanting to be in a dark room with nothing but virgil. i remembered all the bad things that happened in my life and started to slowly break.
my mother and father hate me.
i am bullied.
i self harm.
i am ignored.
i fall in love but the other person loves someone else.
i loose the one person who cared about me.
my mind kept repeating terrible things over and over and i started to shake. life was so difficult at this point. i don't want to keep going on. i scream loudly. this is the first time i heard myself scream. i hated it.
i grabbed my blade and start cutting myself faster and faster until i couldn't think. i saw my wrists become extremely bloody but i didn't care. i wanted to die.
"virgil...please i know you can hear me...i want my life to end..." i hugged myself as i looked down and shivered. i felt a hand on my shoulder and looked up quickly. it was him.
"...you want to end your life michael? if you do this yourself you can come with me" virgil turned into a person again and held his hand out. i grabbed it and nodded.
"what do i do" virgil held my hand as we walked to the bathroom. this reminded me of when i first self harmed. i knew he attended to hurt me then but i still felt great doing it.
"look in the cabinets" i opened it and saw moms medication. i grabbed one and saw the side affects. it said i would die with more than 2.
"leave a letter for anyone you love...like jeremy" i looked at virgil and nodded. i gave him the pills as i grabbed my notebook and started to write. virgil was right next to me with his head on my shoulder. i smiled a bit.
dear jeremy heere,
so....i killed myself. i decided that after 6 months of hearing you talking about your girlfriend over and over...to end it all. you have no idea how much this hurt me. you hurt me so much. jeremy i fell in love with you. i wanted to kiss you, cuddle you, hold hands with you, do things with you, love you. now that you're with her i can't. im happy that your with her though. she's not a bitch so i respect your decision.
this is only part of the reason why i ended it all. my mom and dad don't like me. they are never ever home. i am bullied when you are with your girlfriend and even before that. i cut myself. on my thighs, wrists, stomach, waist, shoulders...I think about death pretty much everyday. i just can't take this anymore. i don't want to cause anymore trouble. ill be with virgil. he will be there for me and protect me. so please move on with your life and i will move on as well...more specifically not loving you in that way anymore. im sure christine will be your lovely wife and you'll be having amazing children to take care of. know that i loved you jeremy. you were the one that i cared about most. goodbye forever
-michael mell aka the kid who committed suicide and people will finally respect when it's done
i tearfully ripped the paper out the notebook and left it on my bed along with my blades and stuffed animal. i looked at virgil as he held his hand out and teared up. i hugged him tightly and pulled him close.
"i missed you so much" he pulled me close as i sobbed onto his shoulder. he pulled me away and wiped my tears. his beautiful blue eyes looked at me and i kissed him. he kissed me back and my heart fluttered a bit. i will love virgil not jeremy.
i pulled away and smiled. he giggled and kissed my cheek sweetly and grabbed the pills. we walked out the door with our hands intertwined and talking about what will happen to me.
"michael...what are you doing here?" both virgil and i jumped and turned around to see jeremy with christine . virgil clenched his fists.
"n-nothing...virgil lets go" i tried pulling virgil away but he didn't want to. he let go of my hand and looked at jeremy.
"you're the one who made him hurt the most...fuck you jeremy heere!" virgil pushed jeremy to the ground and i pulled virgil away from him. i made him look at me and shook his head.
"he's not worth it...im going with you....im sorry jeremy" i saw christine screaming at virgil but virgil just turned around and held my hand. jeremy was looking at me and i looked away. looking at him would make me change my mind and i don't want that.
"come on...i have another way of leaving this place" i nodded and started to walk away. i suddenly saw myself fade and i looked at virgil but he just smiled. i held his hand tighter and soon we were at a park.
"the park?" virgil nodded and lead me to the dark side of it. it was covered with trees and had no sunlight. no one was here as well.
"are you sure you want this michael? this is death we're talking about" i looked at virgil and hugged him. he hugged back as i felt my stomach start to feel funny.
"yeah i want this virgil" he smiled at me and handed me the pills and a water bottle. i looked at it and closed my eyes. i pour 4 at a time and drink water. i do this over and over until i fell to the ground. i saw virgil lay down next to me and hold my hand.
"i-i feel sleepy..." virgil kissed my head and held me as i slowly felt myself let go. i closed my eyes and then opened them again.
i was in a room with virgil next to me. it was the place virgil took me when he showed me his human form.
"so michael mell...you are dead" i looked down and saw my body passed out on the ground. i heard a scream and a random women shake me up. the pills were on the ground. there was still a couple left.
i looked at virgil and he smiled. i smiled and held his hand. this felt right. i feel happy here. i was never truly happy when i was alive but now i feel better.
"now what happens to us?" virgil pulled me close and kissed me. i kissed back and pulled away feeling butterflies in my stomach.
"well...my mission is now complete i guess. you know...the reason i had to kill you was because i killed myself when i was your age. the people who kill others or themselves have this job. you will be having this job soon but don't worry i won't let that happen" virgil pulled away and blushed. i smiled wide and held his hand.
"virgil...i want to love you. i want to move on from jeremy. i want to love you right now" virgil blushed harder and looked down nodding a bit.
"well...do you want to maybe...go out with me?" i smiled shyly asking him and he squealed. he jumped up and down and hugged me tightly. i laugh and spinned him around. he was adorable. we then faded away.
jeremy - age 17
it's been a year since michael left us and quite frankly nothing was the same for me. everyone at school was either not caring or they over did things.
"michael mell was this schools bravest student who tragically lost his battle. we all loved him and cared for michael dearly" one of the cheerleaders of the school told everyone this and it pissed me off.
"FUCKING LIARS! BROOKE YOU BULLIED HIM ALONG WITH EVERYONE IN THE FOOTBALL TEAM! NONE OF YOU PAID ATTENTION TO HIM SO STOP SAYING THAT YOU DID!!!" i threw a water bottle at her and walked away feeling tears fall down my cheek. he said i wasn't worth it.
the last time i saw michael i was pushed to the ground by his friend and he said i wasn't worth it. he wasn't even looking at me. then he just faded away holding that guys hand. that hurt me so much but he was more hurt than i am.
the day after they discovered michaels body police officers came to my door and gave me a note. i was confused since i didn't know that michael ended his life.
when i read it i felt my world crumbling down on me. michael...my best friend...was dead. he killed himself by overdosing on pills. apparently this guys name is virgil and he will protect him.
didn't i do that? didn't i protect him?
he loved me. i didn't notice how much he looked at me or when i held his hand would affect him. i didn't like him back...now i do.
he's on my mind everyday. his smile, his laugh, his voice, his face, his hoodie, his everything. this is the feeling i had when i was with christine. she broke up with me a couple months ago due to "being a depressed person all the time" and "killing her mood"
i mean that women can't even understand that i lost my friend. michael is gone...there's nothing i can do about this...nothing.
=
i looked at the clock and saw it was past midnight so i closed my book and turned off the lights. i closed my eyes and suddenly heard some whispers coming from the corner of my room.
"this is jeremy's room" i heard someone chuckle.
"it's so cool. now i get why you liked him...but you love me now right?" i heard another voice.
"babe of course i love you. i only love you" i heard a kiss and opened my eyes. i was frozen for a bit so i went still.
"alright...do what you have to do love you michael" my eyes widened and i looked seeing michael and virgil looking a bit faded. virgil kissed him and walked away fading completely.
"m-michael?" i put my hands in my mouth and teared up. he looked at me and smiled. god i missed that smile.
"hey jeremy...i have some things to tell you" michael walked over and sat on the corner of my bed looking down. i sat down next to him.
"so...im dead. im not blaming you completely it's just that my life was so shitty and horrible your comments on christine just made me crack. that kinda made my whole situation happen...im not sorry that i ended my life though" i looked down and nodded understanding him a bit.
"michael...im so sorry for not being there for you. i know i was so caught up on christine and popularity that i forgot...all about my best friend" he patted my shoulder and sighed.
"also...im here for the "i love you jeremy" thing...i told you that i would move on and i did. i kinda watched you a bit with virgil and he overheard what you were thinking about me. im sorry...i don't feel the same way anymore" my heart shattered a bit but i nodded and wiped my eyes.
"im too late for all this shit aren't i?" we both laughed a bit but then went silent. i hate that i fell in love with him too late...
"that's all i needed to say but...look at me?" i turned around and he kissed me. i kissed back but he immediately pulled away. he gave me a small pat on my shoulder and stood up.
"ill always be watching you okay? you're still my best friend and i want to see you get all old and wrinkly and happy" suddenly virgil appeared next to michael and smiled at me.
"im sorry that i pushed you...i was angry but i know that you're a good guy...both michael and i will watch over you" virgil looked at michael and michael smiled intertwining their hands.
"goodbye jeremy...ill miss you buddy" both michael and virgil waved before turning around hand in hand and walking away. they faded away into the wall as i started to cry. i put my blanket over my body and cried until i couldn't hear myself.
im not mad that he is with someone else...but im upset.
i always thought that love was perfect but...things like this sometimes don't have a happy ending. guess im gonna have to deal with it.
===============================
okay so this was a bit different...this was totally different.
if you are mad at me im sorry i wanted an angsty story since all my other ones are cheesy and cute. i just needed to make things not go to plan. love isn't always a perfect fairytale. it's crushing and heartbreaking. believe me i have felt it before. it isn't pretty.
so this story is low key the best story i have ever written. it's my personal favourite actually. haha don't get mad.
i kinda ship virgil and michael here but like...boyf riends for life m a n
anyways i love you guys ((also colton left dear evan hansen and im so upset but happy trails dude. i love you soooo much))
-michelle 🌻