as i recall my life up to right now, i realize that by making more mistakes i was able to make myself whole again.
everyday seemed to be repeated.
yoongi never recalled a day in his life when something in it was different. there was nothing to look forward to anymore, nothing to surprise him. frankly, surprises really weren't his thing, but the worst part of it all was the thoughts. they never went away. as hard as yoongi tried to believe in himself and what he was doing, he couldn't help but think that all of it would amount to nothing in the end.
after all, that was what his parents said when he up and left them to pursue his dream of becoming a pianist.
he should have believed his parents. he should have stayed home where he knew he belonged. but he had to be stubborn. he had to refuse everything they gave him. he had to pack his stuff, leave the house in the middle of the night, and stay in some old university dorms because his pride got the best of him.
some dream come true, he thought.
yoongi knew he wasn't going to make it. dream big, everyone told him. it's worth it in the end. but everyone around him also had been in a stable house their entire life, with enough money to support them with food, water, clothes, and rent. yoongi barely had enough for food, only had a suitcase's worth full of clothes, and would definitely soon be kicked out of his dorm because of his expiring scholarship.
a musician's start was supposed to be hard, but he didn't know it was supposed to be this goddamn difficult.
right now, yoongi was only trying to survive off his job at the coffeeshop and the occasional busking in the subway or off the street. his classes at the university were free as of now, but his scholarship was only for the first semester. it was ending soon. in a few weeks, if he didn't rake up enough cash to pay starting tuition, he would be kicked out faster than he could play twinkle twinkle little star in d minor.
he really wasn't in the best place right now.
yoongi's days always started the same. his alarm would go off at exactly 6:30, and he would hit snooze and sleep in for another ten minutes. he would drag himself out of bed and hit the shower for 20 minutes, and then drag a comb through his hair messily and get changed in day old clothing. afterwards, he grabbed his backpack, his keys, and his flask and lock the door to the abandoned room, heading out into the world.
he walked outside, breathing in the fresh air. the morning was cold and dewy, just like every other one. with his cracked leather bag in one arm and a metal water bottle in the other, the biting wind nipped yoongi's nose and cheeks, making them rosy. clouds packed close into the city as fog swirled above the distant ocean. as yoongi breathed, his breath made white puffs, which he watched vaporize into the cold.
he took a sip out of the liquid in his water bottle. it was cold and tart, alcoholic. he scoffed. of course, his parents would be so disappointed than he had already started drinking and smoking this early in the game, but he had his way of coping with stress.
the city of seoul never seemed to sleep. even this early in the morning, he could spot people coming home from last night's party, elders walking their dogs bundled in little pet coats, and students riding their bikes to class. as yoongi walked further, he ended up finishing his drink. he shook the bottle, sighing and slipping it back into his backpack. he had become so dependent on the substance that he eventually grew stressed when he had none.
his parents wouldn't be proud of him. yoongi knew that much.
the sidewalk opened up to a roundabout full of cute little coffee shops, bookstores, frozen yogurt shops, and small diners. yoongi's stomach growled at the thought of breakfast, but he knew he couldn't go in and order like anyone else. he just didn't have the money for it.
he dug around in his pocket for his wallet. opening it, he found four dollars and an expired punch card three holes away from a free coffee and muffin duo at the coffee shop he worked at. he hated asking for favors, but he hadn't eaten properly in two days.
groaning to himself, he approached kim's coffee shop.
seokjin wasn't a bad person. in fact, he was one of the best people yoongi had ever met. but seokjin had already done so much for yoongi, he hated the mere thought of asking him for more, even if it was just a coffee and a muffin.
when he first left home, yoongi thought that he would be able to survive with no help. he had his scholarship to seoul university, he had a job, he had some extra money and an address to live at in case things got messy. he should have been smart. he should have made some kind of backup plan in case things got messy, which they did. but then again, when did things in yoongi's life not go the way they planned?
never. he should have known this wasn't going to work.
yoongi found himself face to face with the glass door of kim's coffee shop. the door was polished clean, probably done this morning. the 'open' sign in the door was flipped, and some strangers were sitting down with their orders, enjoying them happily. kim seokjin was one of the most efficient people ever. yoongi wished that he could be the same.
he spotted yoongi from behind the counter while he was taking an order. seokjin smiled warmly at him, waving him inside. yoongi was reluctant to enter. he shuffled side to side awkwardly, shouldering his bag. he was considering making a run for it, but before he could ponder further on that option, jin had opened the door and dragged him inside.
"jesus, yoongi!" jin exclaimed. "it's freezing out there! it almost seemed like you didn't want to come in!"
yoongi shrugged. "i didn't."
"it would seem like you weren't even my friend."
yoongi rolled his eyes, breaking out of jin's grip. "okay, but you're my boss before you're my friend! i don't have the right!"
"yoongi, you work here. you have every right." the gentleness in jin's voice made yoongi even angrier at himself. "even so, you were my friend before i was your boss. why wouldn't i let you in?"
"because i've asked you for enough!" yoongi exclaimed, defeated. "i don't want to ask for anymore, even though you and i both know that i need it!"
jin remained silent. he gave his friend a soft look. "dude, if you wanted some food, that's no problem at all. on me."
"that's exactly why i didn't want to ask you! you're too nice for your own good!"
"min yoongi, you're too modest for your own good. accept the fact that you have some friends that want to take care of you and take my goddamn muffins."
yoongi didn't respond. he didn't argue as jin gently steered him to a booth and sat him down, taking his bottle and walking back behind the counter. he sighed, slumping back in his seat.
he watched as people walked in and out of the shop. the tall glass windows were foggy with condensation. he dragged his finger against the window and before he knew it, he made a little sad face drawing.
he sighed.
jin returned with a hot coffee, his flask filled with hot chocolate, a muffin, and a take out box. when he saw it, yoongi pouted.
"hyung-"
"say nothing, min yoongi," jin insisted. "i'm trying to keep you alive right now. like you said, you and i both know you need it. so please, don't argue with me and take my food. it's not that bad, is it?"
yoongi wanted to argue, but the look on jin's face took him aback. he looked like an excited puppy with his squishy smile and scrunched eyes. he groaned and took the stuff from his hyung's arms.
"thank you, yoongs."
"yeah, yeah. don't call me that, by the way."
jin rolled his eyes. "aish, you're so sensitive. your shift is at 6:30. try to not be late, though i understand if you will be."
"don't baby me, hyung," yoongi pouted. "i'm old enough to take care of myself."
jin shrugged. "i just want to help. either way, i know you're in a rough patch. just trust me when i tell you it gets better, okay? i know you'll be up and playing the piano again in no time."
yoongi winced as if those words physically pained him. "let's not mention that, hyung?"
"oh, is that... is that still a thing?"
it seemed like the people in the coffee shop were starting to take notice of him. he tried not to look them in the eye as he fiddled with his cup of coffee.
"no way... i think that's min yoongi."
he heard a person in the back of the shop mention his name. just the mention of it made him want to crawl under one of the booths and hide there for the rest of his life. the way they spoke of him...
it made him remember how things used to be, and that wasn't a good thing.
now everyone in the coffee shop seemed to wake up from their sleepy trance and started murmuring, shooting the occasional glance in yoongi's direction. he felt uncomfortable. all this time he had attempted to stay hidden and away from the human eye, but his past came back to haunt him, just like it always did.
his name used to be a household one. and the fact that the people around him were looking at him with such expectancy, like he was going to bring a piano out of his bag and start playing, made his face turn red. with rage or with embarrassment, he didn't know.
"jin, i have to go," yoongi muttered, grabbing the things that his hyung gave him and attempting to stumble out the door. before he could, jin grabbed yoongi's shoulder.
his facial expression changed. jin looked downright serious, and yoongi always was terrified of jin's seriousness.
"yoongi, please stay."jin's voice was pleading. "it's hard enough to get you to show up to your shifts, but i never even get to hang out with you anymore. this-this fear... it's eating you alive. you can't live like this, and i certainly won't allow it. just because of what happened last time-"
"just because?" yoongi clenched his jaw as the words came out of his mouth. "you know better than that, jin. you were there!"
despite the argument, the people in the shop were whispering excitedly, motioning at yoongi without fear. the attention made yoongi start fuming. people like these were the reason he stopped playing. that, and the other fact...
jin must have realized what he had said. "oh... yoongi, i didn't mean it. i know- that's not a reason to belittle. but you need to understand that before all of that, you were fine. you can't let anything affect your reason." he shook his head, blinking the tears out of his eyes. "you're better than that."
yoongi just sniffled. "i know, it's just... too much right now."
"it's always too much for you," jin muttered. "i'm sorry that i'm coming on a bit harshly, but you need to realize that you can't let anything get in your way. even... even what happened to j-"
"don't. please."
jin looked like he wanted to cry. "he was my friend too, you know."
it pained yoongi to realize that jin was referring to him in past tense. jin seemed to realize it too, because the tears that welled in his eyes started falling down his face.
there was silence. the people around them still didn't seem to notice the heated conversation between the two. they were still excited to see the long gone pianist min yoongi who, when he played, transformed the notes into colors and painted the stage with vibrancy, as well as the souls of those who were lucky enough to see him perform.
too bad that yoongi was still lost.
when jin spoke, his voice was on the verge of breaking. "have you... gone to see him yet?"
yoongi looked down at his shoes. "not recently. the last time i did... it was about two months ago."
"maybe you should go now."
hearing those words made yoongi's heart break all over again. he had been putting it off for the past weeks, telling himself that it was fine, and that he didn't need to go. deep down, he knew the truth.
"i-" yoongi didn't know what to say. he was caught in the past.
"you don't have to listen to me," jin replied, rubbing his hands together as if suddenly now feeling cold. "but i want you to get over this. i know you can, okay? i need you to trust me."
yoongi nodded. for the first time since he walked in, he looked jin in the eyes. "as long as you don't leave me, too."