She was on my mind throughout the whole performance, every time I fell away from the mic and looked over my shoulder, I never looked at her directly but she was there, always in my peripheral vision, the glitter around her eyes glowing angelic.
I couldn't stop thinking about how easily she'd made that decision, how fucked out of her mind she must have been to say those things so easily, so light hearted as if she wasn't choosing a relationship over a career.
Our label could set her up for life, they could nurture her band into something she wouldnt even have imagined they could become. I could fuck her and hold her hand. I could kiss her, and get drunk with her, watch tv with her and laugh about blue planet... but I couldn't giver her what she really wanted. Maybe she thought I could but I couldn't.
"And I love you, but I need another second to myself!" I sang, voice raw and scratching my throat as I tried not to think about her. If I kept thinking about her id fuck up sooner or later.
But I couldnt ignore her. She'd been glistening beside me with a smile so contagious, she'd laughed the same way she laughed at louis theroux late at night when she couldn't sleep. She hadn't been pretending, thats what I'm trying to say. She hadn't been feigning happiness or faith in me and that was scary. She hadn't been saying simply what she thought was right.
"Bond," I mumbled into the stage mic, "we're getting stoned tonight," I heard him laughing in response and then a quick, 'why aye mate,' which drew a grin on my lips.
I felt settled then, knowing that I had something to look forward to after the gig. That I didnt have to linger in a green room, listening to my managers berate me and Blakes about appropriate relationships.
I suppose I was only lucky that they didn't know about me and Fliss, that no one knew about me and Fliss.
Somehow though that thought wasnt as satisfying as it should have been.
By the time I fled the stage, burying my face in a towel, shaking my sweaty hair in the general direction of my tour manager with a grin, I felt a little less like I was going to snap.
Bondy clapped me on the back and nodded to the back door and when Andy called out to me and Benji I held my hand up as if to say give us 5, and grabbed Ben by the sleeve, dragging him outside too.
I was half expecting Fliss and Saffron to follow us, but it didn't take me long to realise that neither of them had been side stage to begin with.
"You alright lid?" Asked bondy, the cold air catching the beads of sweat on my neck leaving me to shiver.
"Yeah," I sighed, sucking in on the joint when he passed it round. "Roll another though would yous," blakes laughed at that agreeing with me as he shook and dithered beside me.
"Where did yous go before the gig, Andy was looking for yous..." he asked.
"Oh," I breathed out, watching the smoke tumble from my lips.
"I was with Fliss," I said shrugging it off, hoping he'd let it lie.
"Oh aye," winked Bondy nudging me in the ribs forcing me to snigger and roll my eyes.
"Aye," I sighed, "I told her everything..." I swallowed expecting a bollocking I didn't get.
"Good," sighed Ben, "they deserve to know don't they,"
"You haven't told kitty?"
"No," he shook his head, guilty smile staining his otherwise placid expression, "I didn't want to put that kind of pressure on her..."
"What do you think she'd do?" Asked Bondy, we both looked to him, like we were both counting on his response. I felt so out of depth with Fliss, but I couldnt understand what Bondy was looking for in his answer.
"I dont think she'd know what to do," he sighed, "and you know what kates like..."
I thought about it for a moment and then I shook my head with a soft chuckle.
"Not really mate no, I think youre the only one who knows her that well," and I was right. Katie was sweet but when it came to it I couldn't tell you much else about her.
She was cocooned and everything that made her was protected, wrapped up inside her.
"Oh..." he smirked in a way I imagine katie probably would have too had someone said the same to her.
"Vans right mate... do you think you will tell her?" Asked bondy but Blakes just shook his head and took the joint from him. I watched as he inhaled deep and passed it onto me. He was going to try to hold his breath.
"You really think it will go that badly?"
He sighed then failing miserably to keep the smoke in.
"I don't know la, its strange... yous shoulda heard her earlier when we were talking... said I was an idiot for staying with her and like, I don't know man..." he breathed, the trouble in his eyes ringing true.
I frowned sucking in a long drag, holding my breath as I passed the zoot along one to Bond, choking almost instantly when someone jumped on my back wrapping their arms around my chest, their legs around my waist.
"Jesus christ Fizzy!" I laughed falling forward momentarily, coughing my lungs up.
She met me with a beaming smile, slipping from my body with ease to stand beside me and examine our melancholy circle.
"We heard someone was getting stoned tonight?" she smirked with a teasing glow about her, the one that wound me up every time. I rolled my eyes and stole the second joint from between bens fingers.
"What don't you know anyway?" Asked Saff who had slipped between me and bondy whilst I was distracted.
"Whether the pope shits in his hat an wears it..." smirked Bondy quickly, saving our skin with his usual lines.
"How much wood a woodchuck would chop if a woodchuck could chop wood," I grinned along with him enjoying the looks on their faces when they tried to hide their frustration.
"Knobheads," smirked Saffron taking out a cigarette, lighting up with a slight shiver, "yous sounded class though earlier,"
"You know yous haven't got say that to us every night love," I chuckled still smiling a little pleased with myself. They were being sweeter than they would usually be lately, and I knew it was because we had been struggling to hide our stress. "Yous want some love?" I asked Fliss offering her a drag and she smiled.
"Yeah go on im pinging," she beamed taking it from me, scowling when I rolled my eyes, "hey don't look at me like that!"
"I'm not looking at yous like anything," I exclaimed sniggering a little, the more wound up she got the funnier she was to watch.
"Oh get a room!" Groaned Bondy a little mellodramatic as he stamped out the last of his joint.
"Fuck off you cheeky sod," giggled fliss, "have yous got more of this on the bus?" She asked inhaling again before passing it along.
"What do you think?" Smirked Ben.
It wasn't until a few hours later that I finally began to feel as unwound as I'd hoped I would.
We were all sprawled across the sofas in the back of the bus, pillows and duvets all over the place. Stoned out of our minds, and everything felt fine. Fliss was lying with her head on Alices chest, eyes fixed on the ceiling and the shadowy shapes our bodies left there.
Katie was asleep with Benjis arms around her, her hair tickling his cheek as he tried his best to keep control of his player on the screen in front of us, and I couldnt help but feel a spark of envy for the way in which they could be so openly affectionate.
I could only get close to Fliss if I was winding her up, but he could hold katie close whenever he liked. When we were walking back from the venue they could laugh loudly together, arms round one anothers waist. I had to shove my hands in my pockets and shudder in the cold, pulling my coat tighter around my shoulders, instead of pulling her into my side and sweeping her off my feet.
"Fuck sake Van watch what youre doing!" Exclaimed Bondy throwing his hands in the air, "youre gonna lose this for us,"
"Yeah Van," grinned Fliss, "youre gonna lose us," she teased shrieking and giggling when I kicked her gently with my foot and told her to give it a rest.
"Reet do you wanna take over then Felicity wishes?" I chucked the control back to her, and like she were playing hot potato she barely touched it before she threw it across at Larry, who threw it to Bob, who through it to Saff, who was on the opposite team and refused to pass it on.
"Aight no am not havin this," laughed Bondy, "giz the controller Saffy, dont be a jerk off," he reached over for it but she only leapt up and across the room out of arms length.
"Fuck no johnny bond, I know my rights,"
"Ay and they dont include sabotage," he grinned pushing himself up.
The bus was only small but there was still somehow plenty of space for these kind of fights. We seemed to have them all the time, though usually it was me and Larry winding eachother up and not the girls.
"Howay lids he's starting on me," she giggled face full of glee when she tried to mock his accent and drive him up the wall. I'd not seen her feeling so cheeky in awhile.
"Rate... thats it," he scowled, and before id had a chance to blink they were locked in eachothers grasp, Saff pushed into the cushions by the wall, wriggling from underneath him as she tried to keep the controller away. He was straddling her, pinning her to the wall as he attempted to trap her into letting go, but it was no use and they only jumped apart sniggering like small children when Andy opened the door and raised his brows a little scathingly.
They had appeared innocent as you like until he had coughed and made us all feel a little awkward about our current situation.
"You lads seem a bit more relaxed now..." he remarked dryly. I sat up and pushed my hair from my face trying to be a little more serious. "Ben can I have a word..." he didn't say it like it was a question, simply stated it and started to leave, but Fliss stood up first and coughed just as he had.
I bit my tongue shooting her a warning look, desperately hoping she would sit back down, because she was young and she probably couldn't forsee how badly Andy would take such a sarcastic response.
"Actually, Andy... can I have a quick word?" She asked sweetly, I opened my mouth to speak but I didn't get the chance.
"Uh, yeah of course Fliss," he said though he looked just as stunned as the rest of us and I could feel the tension rising in the room as Benji and Bondy both started to click with it too.
"Oh god," I breathed as she followed him out of the room, straining my ears to hear what she'd said, but I couldn't, and even though we all remained silent until she came back not one of us could work out their muffled words.
Even bondy who had jumped up and pressed his ear to the door returned to my side with a defeated shrug, and when she entered the room and flopped down by my side, I felt my heart doing little palpitations because
I knew she'd have said something she wouldn't have said sober.
I'd half expected Andy to return a little disgruntled, to talk to Benji, or rather talk down to him, but he never did, and though I was trying not to worry about Fliss, I'd only ever seen her angry once before, and I couldnt help myself but over think what might have gone down behind closed doors.