« AHANA »
There was an uneasy feeling sinking in the pit of my stomach as I climbed the stairs to Vansh's apartment. In my imagination, my intestines were twisting and churning to form knots with each other. It was already bad that I shit myself two times this morning and now I felt like taking a third. I knew it was the dread taking over my body. There was no way my stomach could be full with just a slice of bread and butter that I had to force it past my throat.
As I reached the last flight of stairs, I revisited the memory of Vansh, who walked on the very same path to meet me on January. The happiness contained in that moment was ineffable. Just like the feeling of anxiousness that is also ineffable at the moment. I hung my head low and sighed dramatically. As I stood before the white door of the familiar apartment, only one thought dominated my mind:
This was a terrible idea.
I wish I could turn on my heels and run to the other side of the globe, just to avoid this stinking confrontation. I wish I could talk it out with him through the phone instead. I wish I could lie on the sofa on the living room, watching TV and tell my love life to fuck itself. I wish I could do a million other things right now but I couldn't. It was like keeping a bread in the open for several days, then being forced to eat it, never mind it being inedible. Too much time had been wasted already. I had to force to face this as well.
It was only after walking back and forth, taking a few deep breaths, and forcing to eat a biscuit kept in my handbag that I was able to hit the doorbell with my finger.
It didn't took time for Vansh to answer it. He glanced at me once and told me to come in. It was mostly dark inside the house, in contrast to the sunny day outside. The furnitures were exactly as I remembered, the living room was cleaner than usual too, yet there was something odd about the house. Something emptier and hollow. It made me feel gloomy in an instant. Geez, how the hell was he living in here? Maybe I should have met him on a cafe or something.
“Wh- What are you...?”
“I'm just opening these curtains. Its making me suffocate,” I answered curtly, pushing away the closed curtains. The sunlight reached the corners of the room, making it brighter. Much better. “Hope you don't mind.”
“Not at all,” He said quickly then paused, making me stiff. He rubbed the back of his neck, adding, “I- I'll get some water.”
He got away as if fetching a glass of water was his most favorite job in the world. In that moment, I realized something strange. Not once since we encountered at the doorstep, did we make eye contact with each other. It said enough about how we were loathing to face the upcoming storm. But unlike the real storm that had the opportunity to run away, this was different. We were trapped.
Needless to say, I was feeling a bit better after having water. He stood near the study table while I sat on the edge of the bed with my legs crossed. Memories came rushing in as I let my fingers run in circles on the bedsheet. The bad ones. A minute passed. Then another, and another. There was nothing except complete, utterly, horrifying silence.
Come on, Ahana, you're here to let it out. Let. It. Out.
“Do you remember what happened here last time?” I broke the ice.
“Huh?”
“We were busy making out when you got away from me suddenly as if you discovered a mummy. What excuse did you give again?” I continued after a pause. 'Ahana, I'm tired. I think the road sickness is getting onto me. I need to replenish my energy. Let's not delve into this for now. We are on a break, remember.' Yeah, something like that.”
This seemed like a good start. Even he couldn't help but steal a glance at me at the bitter tone I used to address his words. He balled his fist, looking away, choosing to say nothing.
My jaw clenched at his lack of response. It was then I willed myself to remember all the bad things happened that day— His aversion to my touch, me begging him at the doorstep to get back together, his empty promise, my fears. Then, I remembered the big fight we had over the phone and the cruel words he uttered in the end. It opened the metamorphical wounds I chose to close with a band- aid. Despite the slight clog in my throat, I smiled. I finally had the chance to be angry at him, to lash out all the angst I buried for the past few months.
“Remember what we promised at the wheat fields back then? That we wouldn't talk about us during the trip and leave all the questioning for later. Now is that time, Vansh. Now. And you bet I won't be moving a foot out of this house until I hear everything from your damn closed mouth.”
“Ye-ah.” He swallowed, “Ask away...”
I took a breath, “To be honest, I have many questions in mind. So many that I don't know which one to ask first. But you know, out of all these, there's one— One, single thing that I've been dying to know from you. Infact, I think this question alone will answer many of my unanswered questions. So, tell me, Vansh—” I rose from my position and walked straight towards him, forcing him to lift his head to my level. I wanted him to feel at the animosity I held as I spilled out the following words, “What kind of relationship you shared with a woman named, Natasha Patil?”
Her name was just an intuitive guess at first until I got hold of something concrete. Even then, I chose not to believe it completely. However, the little doubt that was left had vanished completely today. It was painfully obvious from the way Vansh's eyes widened at the mere mention of her name. What a terrible disappointment. I was actually hoping for him to deny it. Guess I was just being delusional.
“How did you...?”
“Guess? Now that's a tricky question.” I began to pace left and right the room. “I didn't guess it right away, you know. You never told me anything after all. But you did leave me with some... hints. See, women have the tendency to remember even the smallest of things and become suspicious of it. From the day you told me about that ridiculous seduction game Natasha was playing on you, I became wary of her. But I let it slide because I trusted you with your truth that time. Eventually, I moved on from it. Until January, that is. You became less honest later but you did share bits and pieces of your days in Boston. Remember during one of our conversations, you casually mentioned how you took train with her while coming home. Then, I asked whether you traveled with her everyday but you said it was once- in- a- while thing. I didn't think about it negatively at first. Even I hung out with my bro- friends before. Even I ate together with my male collegues. But then, things started going downhill between us and I started to rack my brain in all directions.” I crossed my arms, narrowing my eyes at him. “So how long were you having this alleged affair? I'm assuming it was sometime after—”
“Affair?!” Vansh cut off, lifting his hands in exasperation. “What affair?”
My brows knitted together as I became infuriated. “Do I have to word it out for you? After all the shit I spit out, isn't it obvious you were having an affair with that buttface? That's why you didn't go all the way with me, right? That's why you lost interest.”
“No,” he denied, appearing shocked, then repeated a little louder this time. “No! I wasn't having an affair. Not with her, not with anyone else. Natasha and I, we remained friends till the near end. Disgusting. How could you even come up with that conclusion?”
My mind was reeling in all directions. What the fuck was he going on about? First he went along with my assumption but then denied about having an affair? This made zero sense. Was I missing something? Oh hell, I was.
“Then, what is this?” With shaking nerves, I fished out my mobile from my pocket. After a few clicks, I played a video and flipped the mobile screen to his side. I watched as Vansh's expression morphed from recognization, to horror, to anger. Involuntarily, he stepped backwards and ran a hand through his hair, mumbling some indecent profanities. Eventually, I turned the screen to my side, seeing a part of the video for the tenth time. My voice was shaking as I asked quietly. “Why did I receive a video footage of you and Natasha from Shreya? Nothing... nothing of this insanity makes sense to me.”
Vansh drew back even further, his back touching the table. His hand went behind, clutching the edge of the table as if he wanted to crush it. His eyes were still firm on the floor as he asked, “When did you receive this?”
“Around February I think, but I don't tend to check Facebook messages sent by strangers. I only discovered it on April when I wanted to pass my time, laughing to unknown messages.”
“That motherfu#king bitch!” Vansh cussed out loud, followed by a bang on the table. It caused me to jump and the table to rattle against the floor. There was nothing but pure hatred on his face. “That was right after we made her delete the clips. Darnit! After all the trouble Natasha and I went through to delete that fuckin' clip. She couldn't send it to the office so she decided to send it to you. Argh, I could almost imagine her having the last laugh.”
“Vansh!” I snapped, diverting his attention to me. “I don't get what you're talking about. Like. At. All! Mind breaking it down to me? Why Shreya had this clip of you? She wasn't even working on your project. How did she get it? What happened? And what's that buttface doing in there? Why—”
“Wait.” He raised his hand. “I'll tell you what happened.”
And so, he did. He told me how Shreya asked him for a favor that would potentially risk his position in the job, how he rejected, only for her to threaten him back with the same clip I showed him just now, and how Natasha and him had deleted it to stop Shreya.
“I'm sorry but I can't sympathize with your situation. You could have told me back then. You could have relied on me but you chose to remain silent. And for what exactly? This goddamn clip that you claim as fake,” I complained, holding my mobile out to him. Things were getting more ridiculous by the second. I thought about it and almost forgot what I ought to be asking. “If you say it's not as it seems then what is it exactly? What actually happened in the video?”
“Actually...” He started then stopped, running a hand through his hair. He struggled to speak as he opened and closed his mouth. Almost as if it was taking him physical pain to say it. I sensed that I had to wait to let him confess but right now, I had the patience of the size of an ant.
“Answer me, Vansh! Why did you and Natasha go to the washroom together?”
“Be- because I wanted to confront her about her ex who attacked me at my doorstep.”
“And why he did he attack you?”
“Because he assumed I slept with her, the night I accidentally stayed the night in her
apartment.”
“And why did you accidentally stayed the night in her apartment?”
“Because when I went to fetch a drunk Natasha that night, she insisted me to drink as well. When I dropped her to her apartment, I passed out, wasted. Though I left her house early next morning.”
Oh God.
I clutched my head between my hands, closing my eyes. My mind was spinning. It was too much information to process, too much information to make sense of. I dropped my weight to the bed and looked numbly at the floor. So he was blackmailed by an old classmate, attacked by a colleague's ex out of no- fucking- where, got wasted on a her apartment. When did this happened exactly? And why the fuck was I kept in the dark all this time? Unbelievable. Absolutely unbelievable.
“What else did you hide from me, huh? What else?” I blinked rapidly. My head was throbbing and I haven't even snapped at him yet. It was hard keeping my temper, that was waiting to burst off the roof. Before I knew it, my body got moving towards him. When he still didn't meet my eye, I rose my forefinger to poke his chest, “I don't get it. The things you told me just now— they don't seem the kind of incidents that you'd hide from me, unless you're lying about something... Fucking explain it to me, you coward, I'm talking to YOU!”
“You still won't understand!” He swatted my poking hand way. “I swear I was about to tell you about that drunkard night. I wasn't intending on hiding it but then her psychotic lover showed up to punch my face, followed by a stupid argument with Natasha, followed by a trip to New York... And then, you told me about your date with Piyush. Things just happened one after the other, turning into a giant mess. I thought of telling you when we met but you know what happened. Eventually, I became reluctant.”
“But you didn't even care to tell me after you arrived— No, no, don't say I ignored you. You could have tried harder.” I cut in when he tried to argue. Just then, something about these incidents striked my head and I caught onto it. I regarded him with narrowed eyes. “From what you've told me, it seems like you were involved a lot with Natasha. Are you sure you weren't having an affair?”
His Adam's apple bobbled, “No, I wasn't... But I...”
“But you? You what, Vansh?”
“That I was greatly attracted to her, dammit!” He involuntarily squeezed his eyes shut as if I'd just slapped him. He turned towards the table and placed his fists on its surface. “I didn't feel that way at first. I swear I didn't. If I had then, I wouldn't have told you about her games in the beginning. It happened later. I... I didn't want to feel this way. I denied it, avoided it, hated it as much as I could, but damn, she just kept creeping back into my mind. I couldn't help it. Which was why, towards the last week of my stay in Boston... I let go of myself with her. I followed my desires.”
Getting hurt by his statement was an understatement. It was the biggest blow out of everything he said today. I circled my arms around myself to stop myself from shaking and crying out there and then. It make me question the relationship that we had built over the years. If all of this was meant to happen then what was true love exactly? Did we even share something genuine or were we just running around the loop for an impossible answer? My hope was waning by this point but I atleast had to keep it intact for today.
“What desires? Be exact.”
“Please don't, Ahana. Anything but that. I've already told you enough of what you wanted to know. You can imagine the rest. Just don't dig into details. I beg of you...”
But I was woman and for women like us, we never got satisfied until we dug into details. When I insisted him to tell me again and again, he added it was something that happened a week before he left Boston, and that, he was already over it.
“What, just what? Did you kiss her or something?”
There was no answer. Just pure and painful silence.
“Okay, so you got a little intimate with her. Till where? Second base? Third base?”
His gaze sunk to the ground like he wanted it to swallow him there and then. Before I could throw more questions, my body reacted first as it reached him to grab his collar with my hands. I didn't know where I was getting that kind of confidence from. It was probably my emotions that were running out of control. “Tell me!” I shook him, my breaths coming out fast. I swore my mouth just spewed poison as I spelled out the next set of words. “Tell me... did you sleep with her?”
Nothing.
His answer was nothing but a long, dreadful silence. It got heavier with more and more guilt emanating from his being. But this silence now had an adverse affect on me. I didn't know when my hands left his collar, when I moved back, and when my eyes got glassy... I felt even dumber than before. It was obvious from the start when he mentioned about expressing his desires. I guess I was being delusional. Again.
“Wha- what doing?” Vansh asked quietly as I grabbed his collar again. My palms were shaking, my breath was ragged. His body became stiff when I raised my head to him. His expression was forlorn as he looked into at my teary eyes.
“Do you know...” I inhaled a sharp breath as I inched closer to his face. “...what upsets me the most? It's not the fact that you slept with her. I mean, it is upsetting! It hurts like a bitch but I won't blame you. We weren't in a relationship anyway... What hurts me more is your level of dishonesty with me... You hid so many things from me. So many things, Vansh, and I only know the cover story. If only you had told me earlier, we wouldn't be having this fight. Things would have been easier then.”
“Is that what you think? Seriously?” Like an instant switch, his expression changed from regret to anger, as he drew my hand away with such a force that it made me stagger on my step. “Don't kid with me!” He raised his voice, making me flinch. I met his fierce eyes and for a moment, he got me scared as he fastened his steps at me while I stepped back. “It's because of that stupid idea you came up and how you made me go along with it. It's because of you we are suffering like this! Neither we would have taken this break and neither any of this would have fuckin' happened.”
I could actually feel my brows knitting together with the senseless words he was spewing out. Despite having me cornered to a wall, I held my head high. “You mean you lost interest in me and got your eyes settled on another woman because we took this goddamn break?! Are you hearing yourself or is your mind incapable of hearing the crap that comes out of your mouth.”
I was cut off with his fist hitting the wall besides me, making me flinch once again. “Yes, I'm hearing myself and I still think that our relationship would be a tad lot better without all this drama of a break. I don't think I would have strayed as I did now. I still may have got attracted to Natasha but I would have left it at that. Because then, I would have had you. Being with you would have been enough to distract me from anything and pursue it further. We would have communicated more. Perhaps even met more. If we had been in a long distance relationship, we might have tried harder, just like we did when I lived in Chandigarh. Who knows, maybe by now we would be having a perfect day together instead of this dreadful confrontation... Don't you understand, Ahana?” He inched closer, sadness clearly reflecting in his brown eyes. “It's you! It's because of you that we are breaking.”
I completely fell back to the wall with his words falling hard on me. If we had been in a long distance relationship, we might have tried harder. Was this true? Would things really have been better without the break? Was long distance the solution? We would never know. I pushed my hands on his chest, pulling myself away. “There's no guarantee that things would have worked out, even then. We took that step because things weren't working out. We were already trying for quite a while, weren't we? Those failed dates we had, our silence, the emptiness we felt in our own relationship... Hell, we even avoided each other for two months. It was only then, I suggested this break to you, so no, I wasn't wrong.”
Our argument dragged on with each of us trying to prove who was right. None of us wanted to back out and none of us wanted to compromise. This whole confrontation had my head boiling with rage to the point where I wanted nothing but outdo him. I wanted to win.
“Why are you laughing?” Vansh looked at me like I was a lunatic. Maybe I was.
“Remember the Las Vegas trip I went to, two months ago. You must have seen the pics on Instagram. I had my fun with the girls but besides that, I met this wonderful man named Kunal. I spend a lot of time with him. You know, at the casinos, party, beach, at a certain room number 202...”
His whole face turned a shade darker, perhaps even redder,“What?!”
I smirked right at his horrid face. Ah, this was going to be so much fun. “And you thought you were the only one who screwed around, huh? Aw, you poor thing. Sorry but why should boys have all the fun. Can you even expect me to be innocent? I was in Las Vegas for Godsake! Completely single, completely ready to mingle. What better opportunity would be there than this?”
“You're just saying this to get even with me.”
I laughed for real this time. “So you want me to go in detail?” I continued despite him shaking his head. “Fine. Let's see. Kunal and I did lots of things together. We talked, we gambled, we got drunk, we fooled around. Oh, and we danced, too. He was such a smooth dancer. Much better than you, actually. He was good, both outside and inside.”
“Stop. This. Nonsense.”
“But he was such an experienced kisser,” I told him, inching closer to his ear and watched as he rounded his fists around his jeans. He cussed something in anger but I pretended not to hear. “He fulfilled my bucket list by giving me a long, loving kiss besides the sea. We even massaged each other's backs under the umbrella. A memorable beach date indeed. He told me I was hot in a bikini. Oh, don't look so shocked. He had already seen me in one, when I went to the pool with my friends. And he damn well proved it with his body. Unlike a certain guy who couldn't go past my neck—”
“Shut up!”
“— last time. Ah, man, just remembering him makes me wet. That night was passionate indeed. He took time exploring my body before getting inside of m—”
“AHANA!” I could literally imagine steam blowing off of his ears as he yelled at the top of his voice. “I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU DON'T STOP TALKING...”
“Then WHAT, HUH?!” I felt my lips twitch despite my inner self trembling— With fear or excitement, I didn't know. My voice was low but sinister, “Tell you what, even his dick was bigger than—”
It almost sounded like a loud growl, followed by a bang that cut through my right ear, temporarily rendering me deaf. It was only a second later when I opened my eyes did I realize what he had done. A medium size Can lay like a roller on the floor with its lid open, spilling out half of the namkeen (savory snack) contained in it.
I was just about to recover from the impact when I felt the weight of two strong hands pressing on my shoulders. Hard. Gritting my teeth, I raised my head and paled at what I saw. His eyes— they were bloodshot like he had gulped down atleast three bottles of whiskey. “YOU!” He shouted, his eyes bulging with rage as he pushed me. He loosened his grip on me when I groaned in pain and pointed towards the door. “Get the fuck out before I do something regrettable!”
Instead of cribbing in fear like before, I was enraged. I pushed him away. “Now do you understand how it feels to know? Because that's exactly how I felt when I received that video. The one that convinced me of something going on. If hearing this much from me, angered you then think how crazy I must have been, imaging all sorts of scenarios, the worst being you falling for someone else. All because you never told me your truth.”
“Atleast I'm not detailing it like you're doing to me!”
I put on a sarcastic, sorry face. “Right. That's must be traumatic for you. Fine then, let's make it even. I'll let you do what you want. You can hit me, beat me, push me down, anything to satisfy your anger. Do it,” I said, pushing his shoulders again and again.
He clenched his jaw and held his hands in defence, “Ahana, don't.”
“Oh, don't hold back, baby. I know you want to hurt me. Its written all over your ugly face. Come on, do it. Come on.”
“JUST GET OUT OF HERE!” He shoved me away in return.
“And what if I don't,” I squared my shoulders, raising to the level of his flared nose.
“Then, I will...” He leaned his head, the muscles of his face hardening
“Then I will, what? Tell me.” I demanded, inching closer.
“I... I...”
Imaginary hot steam was blowing out of our heads. That's how burnt our anger was. We were both throwing sharp gazes at each other, glaring as hardest as possible. My throat was parched from all that yelling while my lips were dry. His ragged breath was hitting my face, his eyes were red. I was thinking of hurting him in the worst possible way. It seemed like he was about to slap me as well. He raised his hand. I raised mine to pull his hair. We were just a hot breath away from our faces.
“Just do it!”
I couldn't tell who moved first. Whether it was he, who covered the back of my hair with his palm, or whether it was me, who gripped his blue collar. And I couldn't as hell understand how the tables turned from roughly pulling each other's hair, to smooching each other's lips. Soon we were kissing. We were kissing and sucking like we had reached the limit of our thirst and could only survive with the last few drops of water. The blood that was boiling in my head for so long, rushed between my legs for a very different reason, causing me to squirm. I pushed, he pulled. I twisted, he turned. We were fighting over dominance while exploring each other's mouths. It went on until my back hit against the wall, making me yelp. But that did nothing to hold Vansh back as he approached me, grabbed my ass and lifted me up. My legs went to wrap around his torso while my hands circled his neck for support. I couldn't stop the moan that escaped my mouth as pulled down my top to kiss my cleavage. I tilted my head back to give him more access and let him torture me with bite marks around my neck until I forced my tongue into his mouth, making him groan. My fingers reached out to tear the shirt button below his collar, wanting to feel his skin beneath it. Exhaling, he parted away from my mouth and looked me dead in the eye.
Only to lower my head and collide with my wet lips once again.
The room that was filled with shouts a moment ago, turned into audible breaths and moans. It was like someone had put a start button on us but forgot to put a stop one. It was only after I kissed him did I realize how badly I craved him. But despite having experienced something a thousand times in the past; despite having it fast before, this felt different. The kisses we were having wasn't our open declaration of love. There was no love in our eyes. It didn't seem like hate either.
It was anger. Suppressive, vengeful anger.
There was no caressing of skin, no teasing, no dirty talk. Instead, shirt buttons were flying away and clothes were being torn apart. Almost. But even after our lowers were pulled down to our toes, I wanted nothing more than to feel his length inside me. Our clothes weren't even completely stripped off of us when Vansh made me bend towards the table, spreading my thighs apart. My arms went to rest on the table for support. For a moment, I felt nothing but cold air hitting my skin. And then, my body grew insanely warm as his di*k pushed into me, until it reached the deepest part, making me shudder with pleasure. Moans escaped from the back of my throat as I moved my own hips against his, filling me more. The scene before me started to fade, my senses waned and the warning voices inside my head died. There was nothing except his almost naked body behind me, his hand cupping each of my bre.asts and the length of him drilling onto me. When we continued our business on his bed later, our pace only increased. We fucked vigorously, marking of our hate on each other's skin. The orgasm we experienced was an outlet of that. It felt dirty, cheap and hot, all the same. Vansh rolled down from top of me to the side, panting hard, while I closed my eyes, doing the same.
Few minutes later, I was getting up from the bed, putting on my clothes with tears burning my eyelids.
“Wait!” I heard Vansh's voice from behind as I approached the door. It was probably my whimper that woke him up. I was hoping to leave the apartment unnoticed but guess I was asking for the impossible. I heard the sounds of clothes rustling from behind. He was probably wearing his clothes in a hurry. That alone served as a painful reminder of what transcended a few minutes ago.
I hugged myself, feeling dirtier than before.
“Ahana!”
Before I could step out of the apartment for good, two arms came to wrap around me. Funny, how his warmth that used to melt me back in those days, shook me like cold, winter rain. I needed to get away as soon as I can. “Get away from me!” My lips were trembling as I struggled to wriggle out of his grip.
“No...” He pulled my arm.
The next thing I knew I was falling to the floor, dragging him along with me. I fell down on my butt and groaned in pain as a result of it. It pained so much that a sob escaped my mouth. I swallowed a lump to control myself. I couldn't. Before long, I was covering my face and sobbing pathetically. It was only after a moment I realized, it wasn't my bottom that was hurting— it was my heart.
The sex that happened in the heat of moment felt right at the time as it fulfilled our carnal urges. Except when reality crashed down on me like a ton of bricks, I felt nothing but disgust. Like I was some sort of booty call. Nothing else. It did nothing to my heart that was constricting as hell right now. Strange, I could still feel those strong arms embracing me from behind. Why was he holding me? And why were his arms shaking as well? Didn't he have enough?
“Just let me go. Go, go...” I repeated, trying to elbow his front. He didn't falter. I elbowed him again. He croaked but still didn't falter. He only held me tighter. I whimpered, “Why don't you let me go?”
“Because...” His breath was shaky behind my ear, “if I did, you would be gone forever.”
“Yes, I would.”
Tears rolled past my cheek to my open mouth. It was laughable how our emotions turned from anger, to lust, to grief. Back then, in that road trip together— We were so happy. There were no boundations, no past, no future. It was the completely opposite now. Why did I have to experience such extremes with this man?
Why did I have to fall in love again, only to have my heart broken, again?
Our love, it hasn't gone. It has just lost it's way. We need to find it and place it back right in our hearts.
I closed my fist around the left part of my top where my heart was, nearly choking. Wiping another fresh set of tears, I pushed my leg to get up.
“No, I won't let you!”
“Please...”
“You can shout at me, poke me, hit me, complain to me. You can do anything you want but please...” His voice trailed off. For a second I thought I was hearing things when he sniffed but then, I craned my head towards my left, clothed shoulder and realization hit me— It was wet. “Don't lea-ve me, Ahana.”
“It's...” I sniffed, willing myself to spill out the bitter truth that broke my heart to pieces. “It's over. We are—”
“I love you!” He cut me off and my eyes widened. “I fell for you, the moment I saw you at the door last week. I had to really look at you to confirm you were real. Even right now,” He engulfed me in his arms yet again and for once, I let him. His voice was painfully croaking as he continued, “I'm sorry, Ahana. I know... I know I've been a d#ck to you. I haven't been honest. I didn't keep my promise. But know that I had my own foolish reasons to be that way. I never liked the idea of a break but I agreed because I didn't want to lose you. I didn't tell you those things because I was afraid to lose you. All I did, knowingly or unknowingly, I did it for you. For us. I could have many things in my life but there won't be any life without you in it. So please... don't leave me... don't leave me...” He muttered like a prayer while burying himself to my neck.
I didn't know how long I remained that way, staring into space. It could have been minutes, it could have been hours. Hell, the sun would have settled below the horizon for all I know. I was starting to grow numb. I just didn't have the energy to re-analyze our relationship anymore. After all that happened today, there wasn't anything left.
“It's useless now..” I began to say what I practiced in my mind. “Too much has happened, too much has been done. We have damaged our relationship enough. It would be absolutely foolish to come back after that.”
“I'm sorry...” His voice was like a sick patient about to give up.
“No, I'm the one who's sorry.”
He stopped speaking the moment I turned towards him. I could very well imagine how torn he must be looking right now. His hushed crying was proof enough. I didn't want that face to hold me back.
That's exactly why I had my eyes closed.
I inched closer to his face. I could feel it. Feel his trembling lips, his bloodshot eyes, his urgent breaths. An image was formed in the darkness behind my eyelids. I swallowed another lump. With my closed, wet eyes, I brought my lips to his forehead and kissed it. “I love you, Vansh, but sadly, this is goodbye.”
And finally stood up to my feet.
Nothing in the world could stop me right then. Neither his desperate words, neither his cries. He literally begged me to stay by clutching his hands to my foot. He almost succeeded in stopping me for a brief second there, but then I focused my eyes on the bright scenery beyond the door.
With one determined push forward, I stepped out of the apartment, leaving a grief-stricken Vansh behind my wake.
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A u t h o r s N o t e
Good thing I didn't post this on Valentines day. Sighs. This chapter was a headache to jot down. I'm not even kidding. So thoughts about this one. Was it a blast? Did it make you angry, sad or both? What do you think they should do now?
Vote and Comment.
I'll try to upload the next chapter around Valentines though I won't promise anything. Look forward.