We are both stuck. That's what I realized when I looked at his face. He was ashamed that he confessed.
Every time he looks at me, he remembers the past. Every time he feels happy, he also feels guilty for feeling happy. When he advances one step, he forces himself to take three steps back.
Neither of us could move on from that day at the mountain almost five years ago. Him, because of his guilt and me because I have lived so long cursing that day and cursing my fate that it has now become my comfort zone. I feel like moving out of that curse will require me to get out of my known territory. I feel vulnerable.
Had our lives been normal, had we met on my 16th birthday and lived together like any other mated couple, I wouldn't have been so obsessed about differentiating him from his wolf and demanding both of their sincerity. The thought probably wouldn't have crossed my mind.
"You should finish what you were saying" I told him with a new-found resolve.
My words perhaps jolted him out of the shock.
"Huh?" he sat up in attention, his vulnerable eyes looking for answers in mine.
"You were saying?" I raised my brows in enquiry.
He looked like he had a lot to say but every time he opened his mouth to speak; he clenches his jaws tight and shuts himself up.
"What I meant was that" he started slowly "of late, I've started wanting things that I don't deserve"
"Like what?" I asked, not leaving his gaze.
"Like" his eyes darkened "your love"
My stomach tickled as soon as the words left his mouth. I had to curl my toes to stop myself from feeling giddy all over.
I took a deep breath "I'm your mate. You of all the people shouldn't be insecure about my love for you" I replied knowing very well where the conversation was heading. Today is his day to speak. I'll make sure he's exhausted by the time he finishes talking. And for that I'll need a lot of self-control.
He chuckled humorlessly "You sure love mocking me"
"I'm not mocking you. I thought that's all you need, Liam" I said "How will I know what you want if you don't tell me"
A sudden blaze of heat rose his eyes; he held my elbow and pulled me closer, my face inches away from his.
"You want to know what I want?" he almost barked out, I should have been scared but I maintained my calm "I want you to be mine" his dark eyes glaring at me "I want all of you- Mind, body and soul. Mine" he was breathing hard.
I raised my free hand and placed it at the back of his head, running my fingers through his hair, trying to soothe him. Touching him also acted as a calming balm to my heat.
"And" I urged him.
"And I want you to love me, not because your wolf is tied to mine but because it's me. I want you to come to me when you are ready, not when the world or the bond forces you to. I want you to know the exact moment you fell in love with me and relive the moment over and over again just like I do" he breathed "I want you to be happy...........with me"
He dipped his head in my shoulder in resignation.
I continued patting his head "You remember the date you asked me on?" I said after a while. He nodded from my shoulder "Well let's do it"
His head went up so fast that I almost lost my neck "Do what?" he asked curiously.
"The date" I repeated "Now"
The corner of his lips lifted up "You're sure?" I nodded "It's three in the morning" he said "Where can we go now?"
"We can't go anywhere" I reminded him "I don't think we can have a proper conversation if we move to anywhere warmer. That reminds me we are almost dry again. Got to start the shower again"
The look in his face said it all "The heat's got you bad" he smirked, all his earlier inhibitions gone.
"Ready?" I asked.
He smiled in amusement "Are you going to do the one two three countdown and start the date with a go?"
"Not a bad idea" I smiled along.
"Well what about food? I can take the shower as a venue for a date but a date's never complete without food. And I don't want our first dat-" His speech was cut short when I turned the shower back on "What are-"
"Let's drink water on our first date and save the fantasies for later okay?" I told him "Today, we just talk. That's the goal of this date"
"What do we talk about?" he asked after he was done getting over my weirdness.
"I'm hoping you'll do most of the talking today" I said leaning comfortably against the glass wall while he leaned on the opposite wall. Our feet being the only parts of our body touching.
"I was hoping" he mimicked me "That in the twenty odd years of your life you would catch on to the fact that I'm not much of a talker" he smiled "But I'll try"
"Let's play 21 questions then" I suggested
"You really want to play a game that 10 year olds play?" he asked skeptically.
"Well had we played it when we were ten, we wouldn't have been strangers" I countered.
"Okay" he surrendered "I have a lot more than 21 questions though"
"We can play it as many times as we want" I offered.
"I would like that very much" he said satisfied.
And talk we did. It's a blessing that wolves don't catch cold easily. With the amount of times I turned the shower on and off, we should have been in the hospital by now. I even got up twice to take the pills my father gave me.
I made him do most of the talking because it turns out that he knows a lot more about me than I do about him. When I asked him how he knew all those facts in detail, he blamed it on my loudness. He said he could hear me yelling from the hall when he was busy studying silently in his room.
I don't believe him. I can't be that loud.
"You totally have a poker face. Like I wo-" I was telling him
"Mommy? Daddy? What ale you doing" I heard a voice.
"Did you hear that?" I asked Liam. That sounded like Dan.
"Yeah, you should probably look behind you" he suggested "Good morning buddy" he said looking behind me.
I turned and it was indeed my little devil "Oh, why did you wake up baby? Did you have a bad dream?" I was already moving towards him, ready to pick him up before I realized that I was wet from head to toe.
Dan just looked at me, his eyes wide in confusion.
"Its 8" Liam's voice came from behind me "A.M" he finished.
I had to blink twice to realize what he was saying.
"Well" I tried to cover up "You should have called for me Dan. How did you find us?"
"I heard you mommy" he said, scratching his unruly hair "From my room"
I turned to glare at Liam, who was now holding onto the counter for support as he almost lost his balance, laughing.
Okay, I take my earlier declaration back.
*****
"Well some one looks a lot stable today" Emma commented as she ran around the living room trying to feed Dan. I was setting up breakfast for her and me.
I smiled "I guess I did something to pacify my wolf"
"What did you do" she narrowed her eyes and scrunched her nose to take a whiff.
"Nothing close to the direction of your thoughts" I told her "Anyways, thanks for helping me out with Dan"
"Don't mention it" she dismissed me with a flick of her hand "I'll take this as a practice match" she said wrestling Dan down.
"Noooooo" my eyes widened in excitement as I turned to face her "Seriously???? Omg omg omg"
"Don't get ahead of yourself" she said rolling her eyes even though a small smile lingered around her lips "It's just an early speculation. Don't tell others okay" I immediately put my index finger on my lips and nodded.
"Oh my god" I still ran to crush her into a hug "This is awesome. I'm so happy for you guys"
*****
From the second night of the ritual, I had better plans to put into action. I (with Liam's permission of course) asked Evan to hold Liam back and see to it that he reaches the pack house and not my house. Evan, the gamma and a few other wolves took care of Liam after the rituals. It hurt our wolves but we both agreed that this was the best decision for our situation.
.
Something inside me changed after shower date. I am feeling more relaxed and less hopeless. I think I've finally decided on the path that I want to travel.
And I also don't think it's just my wolf that looks forward to the rituals every night.
*****
"Oh that was one crazy month" Sara said landing herself dramatically on my couch "How many of you got knocked up?"
I gasped when I saw the number of raised hand, three including Sara.
"You guys are kidding right?" I asked.
"Nope" Ruby shook her head before sighing "Adieu, my sexy body" she wailed throwing her head back. Emma laughed.
I turned to Emily "You should have joined them too" I poked her.
"No thank you" she said "Mommy needs a break"
"Its good though" I said as an afterthought "Your kids will have friends to play with. There isn't anyone Dan's age around here" I sighed "I'm worried he'll end up becoming no-fun like his father"
"Alphas are always alone sweetheart" Emma said "You can't do much about it. His mate will be the only true equal he can share everything with. So we can only hope that he finds his' soon. It'll be really lonely for Dan without her"
Dan's mate, it scares me to even let my thoughts wander that path. I can only pray that his fate doesn't end up like his parents'.
*****
"Ray" I gasped in surprise.
Emma and I were sitting in my living room after the others left when the doorbell rang.
Finding Ray at the other end wasn't what surprised me. It was the look on his face. His eyes were bloodshot red, his hair disheveled and he looked badly shaken. He was leaning against the balcony railing when I opened the door.
"What happened" I shook him by his shoulder when he didn't respond.
"Bring him some water" I asked Emma before pulling Ray into the house and settling him on the couch. I then knelt down in front of him. His state was scaring me and I think I have a hunch of what must have happened.
"What's wrong" I asked again as I handed him the glass of water which he gulped down in a blink.
"She....She" he started but refused to go any further. He grabbed a handful of his hair and dipped his head down in distress.
"Call Liam please" I told a confused Emma "It's urgent" She rushed out of the house.
"What did she do, Ray" I asked desperately "Did she hurt you? Threaten you?"
He slowly raised his head, his bloodshot eyes piercing through me "You knew" it was a statement.
I lowered my head.
"Is that why you went to meet her?" he asked "And I thought you were jealous" he chuckled humorlessly.
"How...you"
"I followed you" he sighed, grabbing another glass of water "After I saw you take her number from my phone"
I nodded "Are you okay?"
"Are you really asking me that?" he asked incredulously
"What happened" Liam barged into the house looking around frantically. Once his gaze landed on us, he relaxed and walked towards us plopping down on the couch opposite to Ray
"He found out" I updated him.
"Oh" he leaned forward "Did she harm you?" he asked Ray.
"Wow" Ray barked out a laugh "You guys do really move in sync, don't you?" he said sarcastically.
"What happened" I asked again "What did she say?"
"She....." he let out an exasperated sigh "I can't even believe that she exists"
"We exist too, Ray" I reminded him.
"Yes" he said "You exist too. That's why I didn't die of heart attack when she drank that......" he shuddered and couldn't continue "That's why I came to you" This is the first time he looked at me properly "I didn't know what to do, Eva" he resigned.
I got up and sat next to him, wrapping my arms around him "Thank you for coming here" I said rubbing his shoulder to comfort him.
"I still can't wrap my head around it" he muttered to himself.
"We can take care of her if you want" Liam spoke.
Ray's head snapped up, like he didn't realize Liam was still here "What do you mean?" he asked skeptically.
"If she..." Liam rephrased "No. I'm sure she's refusing to let you go. If you don't want her around..." I glared at him hoping he got the memo; this man doesn't understand emotions, does he? "I was just saying, you know" he fumbled.
He really was telling ray that he could kill the vampire for him.
"What are you saying?" Ray narrowed his eyes at Liam.
"Nothing" I jumped in "You could stay here for the time being. Vampires don't traverse our territory without his permission. That's what he's saying"
"Yes" Liam agreed "And if she becomes a threat to your life..."
"You'll kill her" Ray bit out "Is that what you're saying?"
"No" I said
"Yes" Liam replied in a businesslike tone and earned another glare from me.
"You guys are batsh*t crazy. She threatens you, you threaten her" He dipped his head between his palms "God, what have I got myself into" he sighed.
"That's the only way to get her away from you" Liam said, then he turned to me "He needs to know" he said.
Liam then proceeded to explain to Ray, all the complications surrounding vampires and their selection of soul mates.
By the time he was done, Ray looked ready to pull out all his hair.
"So, I assume you don't want her dead" Liam concluded and this time, for a change, earned a glare from Ray instead.
He got up "I'll leave you to rest then. You sure look like you need some" he gave me a nod and walked towards the door.
"Seriously, you guys are leaving me speechless" he called after Liam who turned back with a questioning glance "You are okay with me staying at her place?" Ray quirked his brows "I don't come across as a threat anymore or what?"
"Ray, shut up" I said, but well no one listen's to me anyways.
"I do have an elaborate answer to that" Liam smirked, and I knew I wouldn't like what he's going to say next "But I think it'll be extra pleasurable to inform you that the Vampire that chose you wouldn't let any other woman, let alone my woman, next to you for the rest of your life"
I saw Ray's expression change from irritation to almost horror.
"He's kidding" I told Ray "I'll be back. I need to teach that man manners"
I walked Liam out "Why did you remind him of her again? He's traumatized, couldn't you just get along with him for a day?" I glared at him.
"He'll get over it" he brushed the matter off "I on the other hand have something to say to you"
"What?" I asked
"Well, remember the date where you just fed me water" I chuckled "I need the 'fantasies' date you promised me that day. This Sunday?" he asked, his eyes fixed on me
It took me a moment but I nodded "I'll look forward to it" I said truthfully.
I'll indeed look forward to knowing him more.
*****