It's been a little less over a month now. Letter's five or six have yet to arrive. I'm starting to worry if this anonymous sender has heard about her case being a murder. I'm just hoping that whoever it is can send me them before they get too antsy or whatever. We've been taking it easy since then. Papa is still here, and sometimes I wish at times he wasn't. He can be an asshole at times. We haven't been able to cremate mum yet since they still need her for evidence. Which kind of sucks because I just want to lay her to rest. We were told we'd have to at least wait til the end of the month to get a hold of her. Kinda gross if you think about it, but who knows.
I've been back to school every so often just to get away from some of papa's chaotic behaviors when he's drunk. It hasn't been easy for me at school either. With the word of my mother's death around people are quick to turn heads and make fun of me when I'm walking down the halls. They think her death is absolutely hilarious. They even told me she had what was coming. It was pretty awful to be honest with you. I hated the whole time I was back at school. I was non-stop made fun of and there was once a time where they beat me up in the parking lot before dad came to pick me up. It wasn't the greatest experience trying to tell dad why they beat me up. I mean I didn't even know. So he decided I should maybe stay home and do home schooling again for a while. I was on top of that boat real quick.
This week was a little quiet for the house hold. Dad was sick and so was David. Fadi and I have had the t.v. to ourselves for three days now. Papa usually watches television upstairs. So we were safe to watch our celeb drama shows. Today was a little different. Dad wanted me to watch t.v. in their room with him. Now when dad was sick he became the biggest baby out there. He hated being sick and so did I. Something we both have in common. I decided that I was going to watch the tele in there with him so he didn't get upset if I didn't.
I got up around ten to go watch t.v. with him. I made sure he was decent before I came in. "Good morning dad. I brought you some tea." He was half sitting up. "Oh thank you baby. How was your sleep." He sniffled. "My sleep was fine. I also brought you some more tissues cause you said you ran out last night. How are you feeling?" I sat on the other side of the bed, so Fadi's side basically. "Thank you darling, and I am still feeling a little under the weather. Come over here and get under the blankets I'm freezing." "But you're sick and I could catch it and it would be a never ending cycle of sickness." He gave me those puppy dog eyes you couldn't resist. "Okay fine I'll come over there." He got all cheery again. "Forrest is on the tele, I thought you'd like to watch it." Why would dad even ask that? He knew I loved Forrest Gump. So I would never decline the offer. "Duh of course daddio. You know I love Gump." "I suppose you're right. I had it paused for you." I smiled. I loved Forrest Gump.
That movie was pretty long and great if you asked me. Dad had still managed to stay awake for the duration of the film. Which was a surprise because at times he looked as if he were about to pass out. Papa came into the room once the movie was finished. "Hey kiddo I brought this up for you to eat. I figured you might be hungry. So I brought you something from the kitchen." I grabbed the thing he handed me. "Thanks, is David doing okay?" "Fadi said he was fine, but he hasn't been out of his room for maybe two and a half days now. Maybe you should go check on him in a bit. I need to talk with dad so maybe now is the time." I got the hint that it was a private matter. So I went to David's room. I knocked and heard the very low come in. I opened the door and noticed it was very dark, well everything except for the television.
I walked over to his bed and sat on the edge. "Are you okay D? They're worried about you." He motioned for me to come closer to him. I scooted up closer to him. "I am a bit better now. Just a little bit sick, but that's like everyone else here." I gave him a weird look. "I'm not sick nor is Fadi and Papa. Just you and dad are. Did you want some of this yogurt to eat? You haven't come out in two days." He smiled. "I have but no one has noticed. You were in bed or downstairs in the lounge. Dad was in his room being sick, which I am not sick like he is. I was sick in a slightly different way. But I will have some of this. Thank you for caring about me." "No problemo David, but you know everyone cares right. Papa kicked me out and told me to go see you. Which I have been wanting to for the past two days but you know me when people are sick, and I also thought you needed or wanted a little space. You and dad are very different when ill. So I thought you'd enjoy a little alone time." He ruffled my hair and pulled me in for a hug. "I hate being alone darling. It's awful, and I wished you had come in here but I didn't want to bug you since dad was calling for you like every twenty minutes. I'm glad you came in today. I missed my little bean." "I missed you too. What are you watching on the tele?" He chuckled. "Just an old Steve Reeves movie." "Are you for real or quoting Rocky Horror?" "No gosh no, but I am watching the Rocky Horror one. Fantastic singing by Mr. Curry I shall say." He was right. I liked that movie too. I was kinda upset I missed that one. He sniffed a few times. "Oh darling could you pass me a few tissues my nose is bleeding?" I handed him a few and rested the box on the bed. "Do you want me to turn on the light." "No please don't. I'm very sensitive to the light. I'll be fine." When the t.v. flashed at us from the movie I could see his other eye was very dilated. More than the other one which was permanently dilated. "David is something wrong? You seem to be a little off." "Oh no, not me. I'm perfect dear." I saw the door open. "You wanna come in the room with dad and I? We need to chat." My heart dropped into my stomach. I told David I'd be back.
I went into dad's room again to chat with them. I was worried about it. Papa shut the door. "Sammy we're not giving you trouble so you can calm down. We just want to talk to you about something." I was pacing back and forth. "Sit down please you're making me feel a little uneasy." I sat down, well more like laid down at the end of the bed. "We wanted to talk about you. To see where you're at and if you're okay with papa staying for a bit longer." Dad spoke very diligently. I gave him my best smile. "I'm okay with it dad. I really am, and I'm fine. I've been eating with them and everything. I even gained another two pounds." He looked delighted. "Good girl, and I'm glad you're okay with it. He just wasn't sure if you were or not. I just think it's a good idea for him to stick around for a while longer." Papa spoke up now. "We've discussed it for a bit now. So I'm glad you're okay with it. Did you eat the yogurt I gave you?" I tried not to smile. "Maybe but I did give some to David cause he seemed hungry. Speaking of which I need to go back to see him. So is it okay if I do so?" Dad sat up and wanted me to come closer to him. So I did just to see what he wanted. "Sam how is he in there? He seems to be very ill. Is he okay?" I placed my hand on his knee. "Dad he's just fine. The only thing wrong was a little nose bleed. Other than that he's good." "Alright come back shortly and tell me how he's doing." I gave dad a small kiss on the cheek and went back to David.
When I got back to him he had finished eating the yogurt thank God. He had a different movie on now. "Is your nose all done? Dad asked me about you ya know. He thinks you're very ill or something. All because you won't come see him." David did this weird chuckle. "Oh dear I am quite alright. Tell him to stop worrying so much." I bit my lip. I noticed he kept on sniffling. "David will you stop that. It's very irritating. Is something bothering your nose?" I looked back to his eyes. The other was almost back to normal again. "No just have an annoying cold that's all. You know you doing the same thing too. Do you miss the cocaine?" I felt awkward. "Well to be completely honest with you not really, but there are times when I catch myself thinking about how good that high was for me and it makes me want to do it again. But I promised dad I wouldn't because it took over mum's life. I don't want to get addicted but I'd like to feel that high every now and then. It was great, but don't tell dad that." He tisked at me. "I know exactly what you mean by that. Coke is a very dangerous drug. I must say so myself." "Uncle David, a few minutes ago or whatever before I left, what were you looking for? Also why were you high?" He obnoxiously chuckled again. "I wasn't high, and my pain medication for my headache. It's from the pain meds. I promise you that my love." I believed him but at the same time I didn't. I wanted to keep bothering him about it but didn't want him to get mad. I knew he was hiding something from me. I wanted to know what it was but like I said I wasn't going to pester him.
I watched the tele with him for a little while longer. Papa interrupted us. "Hey kiddo I need you to come see dad again. He wants to see you again." I groaned as I sat back up. "What does he want now?" "I don't know he's just upset that you didn't come back. Something silly like that. So come on now. Maybe let David sleep for a while." He smiled at me. "Okay I'm coming. Be good D. I'll come back later on okay. Just to check in with you." "Alright darling, now go see daddy before he becomes too upset." I chuckled as I skipped out of the room and down the hall to dad. I appeared in the room and saw him holding his stomach. "What's going on?" "I need you to come here." I went closer but kept my distance. Just in case he threw up or something. "Are you okay? You look like you need a bath." "No don't be foolish. I am just lonely and my stomach is just being stupid. Please come lay down with me again. I missed your company." "Oh dad you are something else when you're sick. I will lay with you again. Can I have a little rest? I am very tired." "Yes I was planning on that. Where's Abby?" Papa answered for me. "Laying downstairs in the sun room. She was waiting for Sam, but it appears that she's not going downstairs today." I gave papa my glasses. "Can you put them on the night table please?" He gently placed them on there then left. Dad began to speak once he shut the door. "Sammy promise me you won't leave like everyone else." Those words sounded all too familiar. "Dad I don't know what's going on right now but I'm never leaving you and you know that for a fact. I can't live without you. So don't be worried. What's going on inside your head?" He started to cry. "I just miss Anselmo and my mum, and your mum dying kinda triggered these emotions. It's an awful feeling and thing to have to go through. I wish you could have met my mum and even Anselmo. Those two were the sweetest things that would ever walk on this earth." I felt like I was hit by a brick. I knew exactly how he felt. I mean I lost my best friend and mum too. "Dad I know and I would have loved to have met them too. From what I've heard they were great people and I wish I could see them too. Something's happen for a reason dad. I know sometimes I may not understand things, but I can understand this. The feelings of grief and pain are here. Them being gone changed your life and for me it has changed mine as well. I think that they are both watching over us and keeping us safe from all the harm they can. But they all brought us together somehow and I think we were all put on here for a reason and taken for a reason. Heaven sent what heaven stole. For you Anselmo gave you love and kept you at some ease. Grandma was your patch that kept you whole. So I can only imagine how lost you were without her and him. Now look at me and just remember what beautiful life you have here on earth. I miss them too. I miss them so much, but missing them can't bring them back even though we want it to, and we try so hard to believe that it'll come true. My god I wish it would work because I want them back so god damn bad it hurts." I had to take a deep breath. Dad held me. "That was beautiful darling. Thank you for that. I love you so much darling." "Til the end of time dad." I hugged him really tight and never let go. He returned the gesture.
I don't really remember much about falling asleep but I did keep our conversation in mind. Death was a touchy subject for the both of us. For me it was a new topic I've never really experienced before, and for him it was like an old friend. I never thought about it again that night. Our conversation may have popped up in my head but not to talk about. None of us wanted to speak about it. That was the elephant in the room.
(The next morning)
I woke up in dad's bed. I must have been there all night. It was very cold in the room too. I liked being cold but this was very overwhelming with how cool it was. Dad and I were still right beside each other except we were very close because of the temperature. I could hear the rain as well. I rolled over onto my left side to see if Fadi was still there. Thank goodness he was. He was sitting up watching the news or something. I really couldn't tell without my glasses on. "Fadi it's freezing in here. Could you please close the window?" He chuckled. "It's really not that cold. It must be he draft from the fan you're catching because without that on my god it's hot in here." I knew dad thought differently too. It was like minus fifty in here, okay not really, but that's what it felt like in here. Dad perked up from under the covers. "Fadi it is very cold in here. I have no idea what you're talking about when you say it's not cold. You're not even close to being right. So please at least shut the fan off." Dad then laid back down. He looked at me. "It's freezing in here am I right?" "Yes it is. Dad can I stay in bed all day? I don't feel so well." Fadi face palmed. "Great now I have another sicko. Let me feel your forehead." I hid under the blanket. Dad laughed as he felt my forehead. "You're fairly warm again. I guess you can stay here in bed with us. I mean I hadn't planned on getting out of bed anyways. I don't feel well myself. I think maybe we're all getting colds." "I hope not. My god half this house is sick." David walked into the room. "George I need some tissues. My nose is bleeding pretty bad." He tossed him a box of tissues. I looked up to see him. "Oh she's in here too. That's where she went after all. Sammy come here and give your ol' Uncle David a hug." "David she's not feeling well. How about you come over here?" He got his nose bleed under control for now.
I watched as he stumbled over here. He sat beside dad. I squinted my eyes so I could see. I saw his eyes were dilated more than usual. I didn't say anything as he hugged me. He passed me my glasses. I placed them on and it felt so much better being able to see. I then really noticed his eyes. Well the other one. Since the left one was always dilated. He was giggling at something on the television. "What are you laughing at?" He stopped laughing and booped my nose. "Don't worry about it my love. I'm fine now. Why are you under the weather?" "I don't know because someone else in this house is sick too. What goes around comes around. How was your sleep?" "I didn't sleep last night. I wasn't tired at all. How did you sleep?" "I slept okay. I was comfortable until it got very cold." David laughed. "Dude it's not even cold in here. It's awfully hot in here." Fadi clapped his hands very loud. "That is exactly what I've been telling them. Man it's really hot in here and these cold freaks are here complaining about the temperature. Jesus I'm turning this fan back on." I grabbed his hand. "No please don't it is seriously freezing in here." David then laid on our legs. "So what are we doing today?" He climbed further up on to the bed. "Um I was planning on lounging around in bed since the both of us aren't feeling well. What are you doing David?" He began laughing again. It was very strange. I sat up and looked him right in the eyes. I whispered in his ear. "What are you doing and what are you on? Be honest with me right now." He lifted me up. "Hey, hey, hey there my girl. I ain't on anything but no sleep. So I don't think I am on anything. Maybe you're on a little bit too much Nyquil." "Da..David put me down please. Tell me what's going on?" He placed me back on the bed. He whispered in my ear. "I'm fine. I'm just overtired. So don't worry about it." I wasn't going to argue with him so I left the issue alone.
I sat up now. My head was spinning a bit. I looked over to dad who seemed just as confused as I was. I shrugged as I made my way in between dad and Fadi. I noticed uncle David snoring. Someone finally got the sleep they needed. "Dad I think something's wrong with him." "Oh don't be silly he's just over tired. Now hush the news is on." I held his arm. He let me hold onto him. Just as long as he could hear the news. In between the news I went to the bathroom and got a drink. I came back in the room. Dad was interested in something on the television so I stayed low as I crawled back onto the bed. He rustled my hair up a bit. Then put his arm around me. "Are you alright?" "Just cold and tired honestly. What about you?" "Just cold now, and you can go back to bed if you'd like. You were up half the night hacking your lungs out. I know you never can seem to remember since you are always half asleep when it happens. You were crying and it sounded awful. I don't know how you managed to stop but I swore for a moment you were going to vomit." "Oh, I'm sorry if I kept any of you up. I seriously don't remember any of it." He smiled as I looked up at him. "It's okay darling. Don't worry about us, we are used to disturbances in our sleep. So don't apologize at all. We'd wake you up if you continued." I rested on his shoulder. "Okay dad. Sounds good. I'm just gonna lay here now. Cause you know my feet are now trapped under his body. He moved further up." "Oh I know I can feel him on my legs as well. He hasn't slept so we should leave him be for now." I agreed and then papa appeared with a bowl of something and a glass. "Darling I brought you a glass of juice and some dry cereal. I figured you'd like it. I see it's a family affair here. When'd he come in?" Dad chuckled. "Well just after you left. He said he hadn't slept in a day so he laid down and was out cold in the matter of ten minutes. Good thing my bed's big enough for us all." Papa agreed as he handed dad my bowl. "Yeah sure is a good thing." He then handed me a napkin. "Thanks dude. I wasn't that hungry but I guess I can eat." Dad shook his finger. "You're not guessing you're doing so. You need it more than I do." I began to eat my cereal. I didn't want it. So I slowly stopped eating it and pushed it on dad. "Sam stop it. I don't want anything to eat, so stop. You're halfway done my dear. So just finish it. I'm not telling you again." I noticed papa was sitting on a love seat. I mean now it really was a family affair.
I looked over to papa and he saw me holding the bowl. "Something wrong dear?" "I'm done and if you don't take it I'm throwing all the cereal at you." Dad grabbed the bowl. "I don't think so missy. Now drink this before it gets too warm." I drank half of it. "Sick or not you have to drink all of it." I pulled the blankets over my head. "Sam you can't hide from life. Come on and finish this glass of yummy orange juice." I knew he was doing that so I'd come back and drink it. It didn't work. I stayed under there. "Sam?" I was a little drowsy, and it was probably because of the heat under here. Also I could have been suffocating from lack of oxygen because I was under there so long. Dad threw back the blankets. "My lord you are a mess. Go back to sleep for a while. You need it." I threw my glasses at him and turned over. I fell asleep again.
I woke up from an asthma attack. David was still on the bed, but in a different position. Dad was watching the television as usual and this time papa was beside me in the bed. It took them each a moment to notice what was actually going on. "Sam it's okay honey. Nothing bad's happening. Breathe into this." I took my breath and it calmed down. I grabbed onto his arm and looked at him. "Dad please tell me she's gone? Tell me!" "Who's gone? Sammy you're okay. We're safe in our home. No one's here." I was still in a panicked state. "Mum was here! She came back! She said they're coming to hurt us!" He held me in a reasonable position. "No she's not. She's gone and she won't be coming back. You're okay darling. Just relax and look into my eyes. You are safe and you won't be attacked." I had his arm. "Dad I can't risk it. I need to go somewhere away from here. Take me home to Goring." He sighed as he pulled me closer. "Kenny I don't know what the hell happened in her dream but she is freaked out really bad. I might take her back home for a while. I don't know how much of this she can handle anymore. Every letter she gets the night terrors get worse. She can't read that next letter. I have to make sure that happens. Just look at her." Papa shook his head. "I know George. She's a mess. I mean I hated the idea that Maggie sent them to her of all people, but we can't stop it. She did it and never even told us. We don't even know if this anonymous person knows what's inside of these fucking letters. It must be one of her close friends because none of her family members would do this without wondering what's inside of them. I just want her to be safe and in a good place. Her mother's death isn't helping this. Maybe you guys should go back to our home in Goring. She needs to be away from everything." "I know Kenny, and I want to, but honestly her and I alone wouldn't do it. We'd need everyone or else I couldn't do it. The two of us alone wouldn't make it. So maybe during the break we could go. So give it another week." He sighed as he comforted me.
I thought about what dad was saying a lot. I didn't want to be here yet again I did. Just so I could at least receive letter five and six. I kept having dreams about her. It was like she wanted me to get answers. She needed me to have closure. I know I needed some, but I wasn't going to get it until the day we laid her to rest. I know that if they find Carl guilty of murdering her I'll be happy. I'd be happy when this was all over. I'd be happy to get away. Relax and feel good again. I just had to find my happy place again. I hoped that we'd go back to Goring because it'd mean we were closer to grandpa and the rest of our family. It also meant that I was safer. I would be more safer because I'd be as far away from Carl as possible. I would be on board one hundred percent if we went back home.
I couldn't relax any longer. I was still upset about my horrible dream. It had seemed so real. Mum came to me in dreams recently. I didn't really know how to feel about them. This dream really scared me. It was a very vivid dream. It was like she was showing me what had happened to her. I dreamed of her being brutally attacked. It freaked me out because I felt like I was there witnessing it. I felt helpless as she was attacked. I don't remember why I was awoken so fast, but that anxiety I felt probably caused me to panic and not able to breathe well. Dad was surprised to see me wake up in that manor. It was very scary. I couldn't describe it anymore. It just freaked me the hell out the way she reached out to me in those dreams. The way she spoke was chilling. It was like we were really together. I didn't enjoy those dreams so much. I mean who really would. It wasn't a very pleasant thing to experience. I just needed them to end.
My attention was brought back to them. They were snapping their fingers in my face. I grabbed both of their hands. "I can hear you now. Please stop snapping in my face." Dad sighed softly. "Darling what happened in you dream?" "I watched mum get brutally attacked. She warned me about him. She told me things about him. I have to get out of town. He's coming for us. He knows she sent those letters." Dad and papa gave me this look of concern. "Samantha, I hate to tell you that it was just a dream. You know it wasn't real. People have horrible nightmares all the time about dead loved ones. I do, I have them about Anselmo as well as my mother. We've just got to figure out how to make them go away. Once she's put to rest you'll be fine. The dreams will stop and so will your fears of the unknown." Papa agreed with him. "Your dad's right. You need to take it easy babe. Maybe think of something happier before going to sleep. It'll help you trust me." I was kind of annoyed. I knew they were trying to help me. "Dad you don't understand it though. These are reoccurring dreams. She is trying to tell me something. I know she is. I can feel it. These dreams are happening for a reason. Why don't you guys believe me?" I felt David move closer to my legs. "It's not that I don't believe you because I do. It's just worrisome. I'm worried that these dreams are really getting to you too much. I think maybe a change of scenery would give you a break." "Dad I need the other two letters. We can't go anywhere until then." I saw him roll his eyes. "No you don't need them, you want them. There's a difference there darling. I feel as if these are triggering your nightmares. I'll see what we can do then go from there. I think you need this." I turned away from him. "I know that I need this dad. I just don't want to leave here until they arrive." "Samantha Lesley Diana, I am not going to say this again. You don't need them. We'll be fine when we're gone. I'm going to speak with everyone once they're feeling better. So if I hear anything about these letters one more time I will most likely cry. So please do not say another word about them." "Okay I won't dad. I'm sorry I keep doing so." He hugged me again.
I looked over to David who was just laying in this weird ass position. "Dad is he alright?" "I have no idea. He looks fine but is acting very strange. Wake him up." I shook him a bit causing him to wake. He was very confused. "Where am I? What time is it?" Dad snickered. "Well it's almost one and you're in my bed. You've been in here for a while. Just like everyone else has been. Are you alright? You were acting very strange earlier." He sat up halfway. "I'm fine now. I just needed some sleep. I also had an energy drink so probably that made me strange. How are you feeling?" Dad smiled. "I'm fine, and please don't drink those. They're bad for your body." "Oh I know, and I won't be again. That was too much for my body to handle." "Clearly it was or so it seemed to be that way." He yawned again.
I was still very confused about earlier. I felt like he was on something. Not like it was any of my business but it seemed a little obvious. I didn't know what to think about it. It just boggled my mind. He seemed off. He left the room after he woke up. Claiming he was going to go have a shower. So I decided to do some detective work myself. I left the room as well promising I'd be back shortly.
Dad didn't really like the idea of me being very invasive but I told him I was onto something. I usually didn't do something like this. I don't know what had gotten into me but I needed to figure out what was going on with him. So I went down the hall as if I was going to my room. David stopped me. "Could you grab me a towel and bring it to my room? I'd appreciate it." He was drenched. It was almost as if he went in and stood there for ten minutes and got back out after deciding it was okay to walk down the hall naked. I told him I would. So I went down the hall back to his room with a towel. I saw the door ajar so I went right in.
I shut the door behind me. I couldn't find him at first. "David? I brought you your towel. Where are you?" I heard him sniff, then saw his closet light turned on. I went towards there in hope of something half decent. I was wrong. There he was sitting on the floor, butt naked, snorting a line. "Oh my God! Uncle David I'm shocked. What are you doing?" I saw his eyes widened as he was about as shocked as I was. "Oh um nothing is going on. I'm just sitting here waiting for you to come with my towel." I threw his towel at him. Making sure that it covered him. "Bull-fucking-shit! You tell me why I just witnessed you snort a line? Where did you get this from?" He chuckled at my statements. "David this isn't funny. I'll tell dad right now if you don't answer me." "I know dear. I was just getting ready for a McDonald's run." I was getting mad. "David, that is not the answer I'm looking for. You're not going to McDonald's. You're not doing anything until you tell me why you snorted cocaine in your closet." I saw him roll his eyes as he pulled on a pair of briefs.
He sat back down in the same spot. I was at his level now. "Darling, it's not what you think. I mean I only did it because I had to get rid of this stress somehow. You know since your mother has died things have not been easy. We can't even put her to rest. Want some?" I thought about his offer. I accepted it after answering him. "You won't tell dad right?" "As long as you promise not to tell him either." We pinky promised. I didn't feel as bad as I thought I would've. I snorted my first line, then my second with David. After the forth I felt great.
We came out of the room and ventured downstairs. We were scared by dad's presence down there. Why did he come down? I was a little more paranoid than curious. I tried sneaking into the kitchen. I was caught by Fadi. "Why do you have barely any clothes on?" "Shh, no one's supposed to know." He could sense something strange going on. He looked over to David hoarding food. "Jesus Christ David, why don't you have any clothes on either?" He smiled at us as I tried moving into the kitchen. Fadi grabbed onto my arms and held me there. "Hey let me go! I'm hungry." I tried biting him. "Kenny I need your assistance in here! She's trying to attack me." He was so full of shit. I was trying to get away from him. I screamed as David got away. Fadi thought he was being normal. I saw papa appear, then heard dad yell from the lounge. "Don't hurt her! Bring her here." Papa seemed shocked to see me in my bra and underwear.
"Jesus where are all your clothes?" I didn't answer his question. Instead I screamed at them. "Let me go! I will not be hurt any longer!" "Don't hurt her I said. Bring the child here." It took them both to carry me into the lounge. They held me in place. "Samantha where are your clothes?" I didn't look him in the eye. "I have them on right here. Now let me go so I can chill with David. We're gonna watch a movie." He motioned for them to let me go. "Samantha, are you alright? Are you still feeling under the weather?" Fadi laughed and didn't give me the chance to answer. "She must be if she's down to her fucking knickers. Jesus George, just let her go upstairs." He sighed. "Sam look at me for a moment." I had trouble staying still. "Yes dad, why are you asking me?" "Come here I wanna see you before you go up." I hurried my way over. "There you saw me, now I gotta go." As I tried running away he grabbed my arm causing me to trip. I smashed my face on the coffee table. He reacted pretty quickly. "Sam are you okay? I'm sorry I did that." I got up from the ground. "I'm fine dad." I left the lounge.
Once I went back up to David I noticed he had a bunch of goodies. I was excited about that. I climbed up onto his bed. He was happier now as he was eating. He started the movie. I had no idea what it was. We were startled by a small knock, then the door opened. "David is she in here?" I recognized dad's voice. I couldn't see very well since we were in the dark. "Yes she is. She is beside me." I saw him move towards us. I only knew he was coming towards me because he walked in front of the television. I hid under the covers giggling the whole entire time I was under there. I think he knew I was up to something.
He pulled the covers back. "Darling let me look at your face. I want to see how bad it is." I kept giggling as he touched my face. "I'm gonna turn the light on for a moment." David was too busy eating to care. I was blinded by the light. "Damn that is gonna leave a big bruise for sure. Are you sure you're okay?" "Yes dad I'm fine. I don't feel a thing. So you don't need to worry." He held my face in his hand. "I know dear, but I needed to make sure. Where are your clothes?" I pointed to them on the floor. I wasn't naked, I was still down to my underwear and bra. "Why aren't they on?" "Um that's for me to know and you to stick your nose out of. I am comfortable as I am." "Maybe a shirt would be nice for when you decide to come back downstairs for dinner. For both of you would be nice. Dinner will be here shortly. So we'll call you when we've got it okay?" I nodded. "Dad what are we having? I'm starving right now." His chuckle echoed in my mind. "You'll see dear. Now I'll leave you two here to watch whatever the hell you're watching." I waved as he got off the bed and left.
David turned to me and started to laugh. "So what was his problem?" "He wanted to see my face. Cause he hurt it." We laughed hysterically. I don't know why any of this was funny. We were just high as a kite. So everything was funny to us. I was just happy for once. I liked this a lot. Maybe I could get used to it. "Hey Uncle D, could we do this again?" He ruffled my hair. "Yeah if you want to. We can do it later on if you want. It helps me sleep sometimes." "Okay that sounds like a good plan." He seemed to like that.
About half an hour later dad called us. We both were pumped for dinner, something I usually wasn't excited for. I didn't like eating. Maybe coke was my thing. I couldn't let dad know or else he'd be very mad. So when we were downstairs David and I kept our secret safe with each other. I noticed pizza on the counter and the table already set. "Hey kiddo we got pizza." I just kept staring at it. "Sweet man. I love pizza dad." "I know love. It was the easiest thing for me to order. So dig in dear we have a lot." I ate a lot. Dad kept staring at me while I was eating. I think he was just looking at my face. I think it was because my face was already bruised. I decided to start a conversation. I couldn't sit still though.
"Dad, can I go out in the backyard and run around?" He looked to the backyard. I noticed it was dark outside. "Sammy it's way too dark out there. Why don't you go to the basement and run around? It's more spacious than up here. It's too dangerous out there. Especially being so dark and the pool being there too." "Oh, it's so hot in here though. The basement is scary. Can't we turn the light on?" He shook his head. "No it's not like that Sam. It's not the right weather either, and you being sick is bad enough. So play in the basement. Plus you don't have any clothes on." I slouched down in my chair. Trying to escape the table. I was seated beside papa who noticed what I was doing. My body felt almost noodle like when I was sliding down. "Hey get back up here. You haven't even finished your dinner." I pointed to my plate. "I am done. I had like three pieces. So I'm going to play." They all seemed very concerned at this point with my high behavior. I was hoping they didn't catch on. Papa pulled me back up from the floor. I was starting to get very annoyed. Papa put his sweater on me. Since David or I didn't come down with a shirt on. That passed our minds after we snorted another line. "Stop touching me! I just want to go outside." I tried fighting him off. "Samantha stop it now. I don't know why you're acting like this but it needs to stop right now. Your father and I aren't going to tolerate this nonsense." He looked me straight in the eyes. I was almost fearful of him. "Let go of me and I'll stop." He didn't let go of me. Instead he looked over to dad. "George she's higher than a kite. That's why she's acting like a tool." He took my glasses off and sat me up. They were looking at my eyes. I tried covering myself up. David was a little less hyped than I was. "Let me go! I'll bite you." "Kenny bring her here. Her nose is bleeding." Dad was right it was bleeding.
Papa brought me over to him. He used his napkin to stop the bleeding. "Sam what did you do to get high?" I lied. "I ate one of my weed brownies. Well more like two or three." David knew to keep shut. "Okay then answer this. Why is your nose bleeding?" I had the perfect excuse for it. "It's too hot in here that's why." I was right on that one. "Sam I have a sneaky suspicion you ate more than just one. How many did you really eat?" "Um probably five. Does it really matter anyways? I am enjoying myself." "It kind of does. Your behavior matters. Also did you ever think of consulting me when starting to eat them? I would have at least liked to know you were ingesting them. It would have been appreciated. Another thing is why did you come down here yet again with no clothes on? I asked you not to do that." I smiled as he held the napkin on my nose. "Um no I didn't think about it cause you said I was allowed to do it. I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I thought I had clothes on that's why. Why does it matter if I had any on." He sighed as he changed the napkin to a fresh one. I was sitting on his knee at this point. "Sam it matters because you're not a small child. I expect you to be a bit modest. I don't want to see your everything's. I don't think anyone else does either. You're growing into a young woman and developing pretty fast. We don't want to view the whole process." "Oh alright I won't do it again. Can I go now? I think my nose is fine." "Yes be on your way. Go take a shower to cool off then. I want you back down when you're finished alright. We want to watch a movie." I silently agreed as I went back upstairs.
As I was getting ready I heard a knock and then my door open. I turned around to see David. He held a small package. "Here something for the shower. I know mines wearing off. I'll see you back down there." "Yeah I'll see you down there, thanks again. I appreciate it you know. This stuff makes me pretty happy." He nodded as he pretended to tip his hat at me. He exited my room as I went into the bathroom. I ran the shower before I got in so they thought I was getting in. I laid the coke along the marble vanity and got ready to do my lines. Once I did I was so refreshed. I had to shower so dad knew I listened to him for once. I mean I needed to "cool" down since I was so hot.
I did end of finishing my shower and getting dressed. My best interest was doing one more line before the movie, so I did. I carefully went down the stairs. I met them in the lounge. They were in there pj's as was I. "You feeling better now?" It took me a few to register his question. "Yeah I'm feeling just great. What movie are we watching?" He handed me the case. I looked at it for a few moments until I realized it was Jerry Maguire. Some old Tom Cruise movie I've never seen before. I handed him back the case and sat in between dad and Fadi. I didn't have the attention span for this movie. All I wanted to do was run. My heart and mind were going a hundred miles per hour. Everyone seemed to notice halfway through the movie. Dad was the one who noticed more than the others. He decided to say something to me about it. "Hey what's going on? Why can't you stay still?" I grabbed onto his arm that he stuck in front of me. "I don't know dad maybe it's cause I don't wanna watch the movie. I can't focus on it. It's quite the movie, but I can't..." I noticed everyone's attention focus on me. "Sam, calm down. There's no need to be getting upset about it. You don't have to watch the movie if you don't want to. All you had to say was dad I don't wanna watch this anymore and I would have left you to be alone." "No, I had to finish it since you always put up with my movies. Do..do..do you think it'd be okay if I went and ran?" I was on the edge now. The bad side of the drugs were working. "No it's too dark. We can go out tomorrow morning though." I tried whispering. "Tell them to stop watching me! It's making me uncomfortable." Before dad could answer I left. I heard him call my name then Uncle David telling him he'd deal with me.
I got up to my room fast. Except he was fast too and caught up behind me. "What's wrong babe?" "I don't know David. I can't do anything right now. My head hurts." He led me to my bed. "Lay down darling. I think you've had enough lines for today. Maybe some rest will help." "No it won't. I can't seem to think so anyways. I want to run. Why won't anyone let me run?" He chuckled at my effort to convince him to let me do so. "It's because it's fairly dark out there and people could harm you. He's only trying to protect you. Plus I don't want him to catch on to anything of ours. So relax, take it slow, and breathe. You will be able to sleep. Maybe I shouldn't have given you so much at once. You gotta start slow with cocaine. Tomorrow we'll work on our lines. So just lay down and relax now. Everything will all be okay." I was shaking now. I couldn't stop. I wasn't seizing but it felt like it. "Why is this happening?" "You've had too much now close your eyes dear. Everything will be fine. I promise you that. When you wake up in the morning you'll be better and I'll be here to make sure of that." We were startled by thee door. My scream was muffled by his hand. Dad turned the light on. "What in the hell is going on? One of you better tell me now or I'll start throwing stuff at you." David looked over to him. "She's having a panic attack. That's all George I promise. She's just is very scared." He came over to the bed. "Sam we've decided on going home after all. So we're leaving in two days. So tomorrow we've got to start packing. Papa will call the school and tell them. We're all going to get away from this. You'll be okay honey. I promise this vacation will help you." David let go of my mouth. "No dad. No it's not gonna be okay. I'm scared." He ran his hands through my hair once he sat on the bed. I knew he was right but the anxiety was telling me something else.
I didn't want to believe everything was going to be alright. I just couldn't do so. I was also very paranoid about unreasonable things. One of them was the letters and how I was supposed to help mum if I weren't here to receive them. They depended on me to dish out the details. They depend on me to help solve this crime. So what good was it that we were going to be in England until they release her body? They weren't going to unless they solved the bloody crime. I needed dad to understand that. I knew he wouldn't because he was just so tired of hearing about her. Everyone was tired of hearing about her. It almost seemed like they did not care, even though I knew they did.
"Dad I can't leave here without telling them the rest of the letters. I'm their sole person who knows what is going on. I hold a key to the crime. I have the last piece to this annoying puzzle. I know you don't wanna hear about it anymore, but you have to understand that the next letter contains the most important details. It contains the last pieces of information that mum knew about him conspiring her death. She needs me to complete this." I could tell he was fairly annoyed. David was more laid back about it. "God damn it Sam. I know that it's you're so called "destiny", but you need to calm down with it. That's what's stressing you the hell out. You can't let this eat you alive. I know she was your mother, but you weren't connected to her as much as you were with us. She didn't..." He paused for a moment. I knew he didn't want to say what he was going to say next. "She didn't love you as much as I did. She wasn't here for you like I was these past seventeen and a half years. She doesn't love you like I do. She didn't have to deal with your first heartbreak, your first love, your graduation's, your everything we were supposed to be doing together she wasn't there for. She wasn't there for you and you still care about whether or not a letter from her comes or not. Why do you care so much?" I didn't expect that. "I don't know why I care so much. I really can't tell you. It just seems right." He sighed. "I think maybe you should stop caring. She was a wonderful woman aside from the cocaine, but after she got really addicted she was not a good woman. You know it and so do I. Everyone does sadly. I'm sorry she wasn't as great as you thought. We all have our flaws but hers were too much for us to handle. I love your mother but I also feel bad." I didn't know what to really say to him. I was just confused and still higher than a kite. I wanted to tell him that. I wanted him to know that I cared and that I stilled loved her. "Dad I know, but wouldn't you want justice? I still loved her. Not as much as I love you though. I can't live without you. Please don't leave me." He looked a bit upset now. I didn't mean to upset him.
He started running his fingers through my hair. It was comforting. "David can we have some alone time? You can come back when I'm finished." He silently agreed as he shut the door behind him. Dad focused back on me. He turned on the light. "Sam everything will be alright. Settle down now. Maybe you can get some rest and we'll pack tomorrow. I promise you everything is going to be alright." "Don't leave me. Please dad don't leave." He could tell something was wrong. I didn't want to be alone. I was scared and feeling a little sad. "I won't leave you here. I'll stay here with you as long as you want. Don't worry about a thing. You know I wouldn't leave. I know it seems like a lot right now and I get it. I'm sorry darling. Lay down now and I'll sing you a song." I listened to his request. I didn't want to upset him even more. I was coming down from the coke now. So I was feeling a bit better.
He laid down beside me as I got under the covers. He handed me my favourite bear as he took my glasses off. "You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy when skies are gray. You'll never know dear, how much I love you. Please don't take my sunshine away." I felt safe and sound. If that made any sense at all. "Dad I love you." "I love you too darling. Close your eyes and go to sleep." "I'm afraid dad. Please stay with me." "Okay darling I will. You need to sleep though. I won't go anywhere. I will stay." I held his hand. "Okay dad, but what if I don't wake up? What if I go to heaven like mum?" "Sam don't be foolish. You're not going anywhere I promise. I'll be here when you wake up, papa will be, and so will everyone. Now shh darling." I was slowly falling asleep. He dimmed the light so he could still see what he was doing. I knew he'd want to watch his shows. I just held him close to me. I wanted to know he was there even when I was sleeping. I just loved him so much.
(Two days later)
We were getting ready to go to the airport. We were all over the place. Everything was in the car besides us. I mean we had no set time to go. We were going on dad's private jet. We shouldn't be taking so long but we are. I was done doing what I needed to do, but everyone else was too busy yelling at each other. I had no idea why until I got down there. Dad still had no idea about David and I doing coke together. I also knew we couldn't do it at home so we had to go sober for a while.
I got downstairs to see them arguing over mail. "I'm ready whenever you guys are. Did you grab my puffers?" He shifted his attention to me. "Yes I did. Now go get in the car please. I'll be out in a minute. Your father's expecting you to be in there." "Okay I will. You don't need to yell at me." He scoffed. "Well maybe you should just get into the fucking car like we've asked you. Jesus Christ, why do we have to ask you so many times? Oh wait I know, it's because you're so fucking stupid!" I was very offended. I just ignored him as I went out to the car. I saw dad standing in front of the back seat door. "What's your problem chicky?" He opened the door and I saw David sitting on the other side. Which meant I was in the middle. "Maybe if your annoying boyfriend would stop calling me fucking stupid I wouldn't have a problem." He patted my back. "I'll speak to him about it. Just relax baby. I don't need any drama before getting back home." "There wouldn't be any drama if he didn't yell at me. So I don't see what I did. You guys only told me to get in the car twice. So maybe he needs to chill the fuck out." Dad gave me a look. Then we heard him coming towards the car. "Is she in the fucking car yet? I told her four fucking times." I was getting agitated. Dad answered before I could get the chance to say something. "She is in the car. Calm the hell down. Who the hell pissed in your cornflakes?" He got into the car as he answered dad who also got into the car. "Well maybe she should have fucking got in the car in the first place. Also I don't know why I'm so angry." Dad didn't sound impressed. "Well it's not the end of the world hun, so stop blaming everyone else. You'll be fine. So take a deep breath and forget about it. We'll be somewhere peaceful soon. Away from all of this nonsense." He calmly took a deep breath. I noticed papa just staring out the window as we pulled off. He was the one Fadi was arguing with. Something was bothering him. I could tell by the way he was quiet. I was starting to think I was annoying everyone. I turned to dad.
"Dad, am I annoying?" He rolled his eyes at my silly question. "Samantha, why must you ask such silly questions? I don't personally think you're annoying. There aren't much things that annoy me so you don't need to worry. What you need to worry about right now is getting on the plane and getting home safely. You know that everyone is taken care of. Abby will be there too. She's just gotta go through the kennel. So just relax." "Alright dad, I believe you. I just feel like I annoy everyone here. It's pretty evident that someone in this car finds me annoying." Then Fadi slammed on the breaks causing us all to move forward a bit. "Sorry a god damn cat ran in front of us. Are you guys okay?" I found it quite coincidental that he did that. I just ignored it. I ignored everyone the rest of the car ride there. I just didn't feel like talking anymore. I wasn't really in the mood.
We finally arrived and got into the plane safely and sound. This was the part I hated the most. The take off, only because I wasn't allowed to get up out of my seat. I mean none of us were. It just made me so anxious. Once everyone was in the plane we were ready to set off to our next destination. The pilot came on the over head speaker thing. It was our cue to sit down and buckle in. We were ready for take off, gross. Dad and I were beside each other thank god. He knew the protocol. He reached out for my hand this time. Something which he didn't do first. It was usually me to reach out for him. I looked over to him and noticed him crying. "Dad what's wrong?" "Oh nothing I'm fine. Just breathe with me as we go up." "Okay dad I will. I love you. I hope you know that." "I do my love, thank you. I love you too." I didn't know why dad was so emotional. He was usually the one comforting me as we went up in the air. I didn't mind it though. I knew he needed it. I was going to be there for him like he was for me. We finally heard the okay to move around. Thank god. I thought it would never end. It was going to be a seven and a half hour flight. So we needed to be patient with each other and the flight itself.
Once we were okay to move around I moved over and went to dad. "Dad are you sure you're fine?" I noticed he was holding the fifth letter in his hand. I wanted to take it but wasn't too sure about how he'd react. So I didn't touch it. He looked up at me. "Your mother was a very sad woman, and this letter proves more than murder. It proves how lonely she was. I want you to read this even though I said before I didn't. You really need to read this." He handed the letter to me. It was already tear stained from someone else, which I assumed was mum. I had to sit down to read it.
"Dear Sam,
As you know this is letter five. I'm really sorry it didn't come faster. I just needed you to have time to process everything else. Process how lonely I felt. Process my death even. You can't tell me you didn't see that coming. As I promised you have in fine detail in written form of how he planned on killing me. You are not to read that. George if you're reading this as well make sure she doesn't get her hands on it. I don't want that for her. Now I will try my very best to explain what's going to happen in the next letter without giving it away. Just know it will be coming the week of March twenty third. So be prepared for the last one to blow you away with shock, pain, and a whole lot of grief. I faced a lot of challenges writing this one. Now before we spoke about how I figured he wanted to kill me and all that fancy business stuff, but this one is different. This one is about how I figured out how alone I really was, and a little bit of murder spliff. Don't even think for a second to feel bad for me. I deserved this. I had it coming. I was an awful mother, sister, aunt, lover, friend, and everything in the book you could call me. Does that change anything? No it doesn't. Whether I was the most loved woman in the family I still would have been shunned. My behavior's have landed me in hot water. I'm going to reveal to you what really caused him to snap, plot out, and decided to murder me for once and all. You don't have to take anything away from this, but I want you to think about it. What I am going to reveal to you and your other willing family members who will listen is slightly shocking. Here is the first revelation. I knew he planned on raping you that day I left you alone with him. I just didn't think he'd actually do it. I also knew if I hadn't come home he was planning on killing you. Something stopped him though. That thing was your father. He wouldn't take no for an answer. He would know something had gone wrong when your annoying ass didn't phone him every half an hour. Why I decided to leave you home alone with him was just the fact I didn't believe he had it in him, I was wrong, so wrong. I did know he was a registered sex offender as well, a part of me saw passed it. I loved him. He was the father to my children, but did it make anything right, no it didn't. I was devastated for weeks after it happened. I blamed myself for it because it was my fault. Generally I would find someone else to blame, but there isn't anyone to point the finger at except for myself. I will never forgive myself for that happening, and I don't expect you to either. Another thing was when I found his horrible plan to plot and murder our whole family and not just me, yeah I forgot to mention that, I didn't say anything because I was afraid of what he'd do if I confronted the police. I should have manned up and done it anyways. I would've still been alive if I had done it. Maybe then we could have had a better life together. You want me to keep going? Well I am even if you can't bare this. I was afraid and didn't think any of you would believe me that he was going to kill my children and I. He wrote it down for goodness sake! I had it for a week before I sent the fucking letters. I reread it over and over. Knowing what the outcome was going to be for me. I had to get my children out of the way somehow so he wouldn't kill them too. So I gave them to Bill and Tammy. I said I wasn't stable enough to take care of them, and I was right to a certain degree. I also had the right to protect them. They were my children. Seems a little stupid since I didn't protect you from him. I know I could've done so, but what went through my mind comes back as a blur. I'm sorry. I will always be sorry. Does any of this make sense to you? I bet it doesn't. I knew about the murder and didn't prevent myself from being brutally attacked. In the end I didn't really think anyone would have cared if I had died because I was a failure to you all. So maybe dying was in my book of life. Well it is for everyone, but for me so soon. So maybe I didn't deserve to die, but I believe that I did. I was a horrible mother who let you down for so many fucking years it hurts to even think about it now. Maybe I just wanted to end all of this loneliness. Him killing me would be the greatest achievement of us both. For me I'd stop letting you down finally. I'd stop being the biggest disappointment in the family. I'd finally be free, free from all of this awfulness. Free from being pestered by the pap's. Free from your father nagging me to be a better person for not only you but for my other two children as well. I was a lonely woman Samantha, and bringing these twins into this world gave me another chance at motherhood I never got because of my choices. I was alone because no one was there for me like they were for you. No one cared as much as they did like they did with you. You were everyone's world and the center of their attention. I was nothing to them. You were royalty. You were their everything and I was their nothing. You turned out to be the Cinderella in this story. You became something I've always wanted to be, someone. You got it. Now I've become nothing as I fade away. I always envied your life. I wanted to be someone's Samantha, not someone's Maggie because I knew how much you meant to everyone. Don't feel bad, it wasn't your fault, it was my own for being this way. Because of who I am or was, it got me into the wrong path's of life, and that one was death.
Forever yours,
Mum x-o-x-o.
P.S.
Don't be upset. I was nothing."
I couldn't explain to you how I really felt. There was no real way to say it. It's almost as if I felt guilty for her being killed. Maybe it should have been me. I don't think she ever deserved to die. She was someone whether she saw it or not. She may have walked on the wrong path during her life, but she still meant something to us. I just wished I could tell her that. I wished I could've told her that before things got to out of hand. I wish for everything to be the way it was before. I felt as if I messed up everything. Maybe I did, maybe I didn't. I'll never know. I don't see how she could have thought that way. I know she must have been so alone and that's where all the guilt starts coming in. I should have realized that it wasn't her that was deciding to be this way, well it was, it was just the drugs had many neurological influences on her.
I was quiet the rest of the flight. I had to try and not think about what I had read prior to sitting on the floor. I wanted to think positive but there was no light to shine on this subject. She's dead and there's nothing any of us could've done. I know I can still get justice for her. Whether letter six reveals all or nothing I know that whatever I can do to help will matter. I know in my heart that it is right to help solve her murder. She needs this from me. After all I did cause her to be so lonely in life. I had to think positive and shine the light myself. I was going to help her.
I just knew somehow she'd know I was helping her. I know it'll make me feel better. I can move on and close this chapter of life. When I opened the next one I will open it with her on my mind. I can figure out something and hopefully all will go well. I needed it to. Just for her. She was my inspiration to get justice for others as well as her. I hope she knows up in heaven that we're going to fight for her. I just hoped she knew.