→ too far away ←
Alone. No, lonely was a more accurate description of how Zayn was feeling at the moment. He couldn’t believe that after all that he had been through he felt no comfort in being alone anymore.
He knew why, he knew why he needed human interaction more than anything. Zayn craved Bryony more than he realised, and every moment that he wasn’t with her he wanted to be, and now when she had just left his house, he felt it.
Harry had called a couple of hours before, saying that he’d be coming over to stay. Zayn was glad that he was, especially since he hadn’t seen Harry in a while, and he sounded oddly dead-pan on the phone.
Zayn sat down in the chair by the window, looking at the wondrous grey clouds spreading across the expanse of the tumultuous blue-grey sea. He could see the lupins blooming happily, and a small smile flickered on his lips as he thought of Bryony.
He was not yet in love with her, that he knew. He knew what love was, and it had felt like the first five months of being with Perrie. The way that she’d look at him, like she knew everything about him, comforted him to no end. They were perfect for each other.
They were perfect for each other, other, other.
The phone began to ring, and Zayn looked at it for a moment, not blinking, not even registering the sound. He stood up, walking slowly over to the phone. He didn’t think that it would be Bryony, she wouldn’t be home yet.
“Hello?” Zayn said, his voice raspy, holding the phone to his ear with shaking hands.
“Zayn, how are you?” A high voice said, one that sounded familiar and yet not familiar at the same time. It was a cold, dead voice, one that made goose-bumps rise up on his arms and violent tremor run through him.
“W-who is this?” Zayn stuttered, holding onto the counter top so tightly his knuckles turned white. “How did you get my number?”
“Can’t even recognise your old band mate, huh?” The voice said, probably intended to sound light, instead only sounding incredibly bitter.
“Louis.” Zayn breathed, feeling even weaker than before, having to stumble over to a chair so that he wouldn’t fall to the floor.
“So, how are you Zayn? Everything going well?” Louis said, a slight crackle on the line, punctuating his harsh words.
Zayn let out a shaky breath, his free hand tugging at his hair, relief and fear pulsating through him. “I’m... alright. Is... How’s Eleanor?”
“She’s very well. I’m now a father.” Louis said, his voice not sounding as curt as before.
Tears sprung up in Zayn’s eyes. “Congratulations.” He said, voice cracking. “I’m so happy for you.” He whispered, knowing that he really meant it.
“It’s a girl.” Louis said softly. “We called her Felicite.”
Zayn’s throat closed and he had to bite down on his lip to keep from crying out. He gripped the table, hating himself, hating how everything turned out. He hated that Louis wasn’t here, that Louis had to call his first daughter after his-
“Are you happy?” Zayn asked quietly.
“I haven’t been happy for a long time, Zayn.” Louis said, suddenly sounding extremely tired. “But having Felicite, being here with El... everything is starting to feel a little better. There will always be a part of me that won’t forget what happened. It haunts me in my dreams sometimes.”
“I’m glad you’re a little happy, Lou. I only want you to be happy.” Zayn said, voice trembling. “She still haunts me.”
She still haunts me, me, me.
It was silent for a while. Zayn wished that he would talk, that he would just say something. He hoped that Louis wouldn’t hang up, but then again he had all the rights to. He wanted to apologise, or at least just talk to him like they used to, talk like best friends. He was just too far away, both mentally and physically.
“I don’t blame you.” Louis said, so softly that Zayn barely caught it. “Please don’t think that I blamed any of this on you.”
“You had every right to.” Zayn rasped.
“No, I didn’t.” Louis said, sounding like he was begging. “I was so wrong to blame you, to run away like I did. I didn’t realise that I wasn’t the only one hurting. Zayn, forgive me, please, forgive me.”
Shocked, Zayn said nothing. He never thought that the conversation would turn out as it did, and he had barely gotten over the fact that Louis had actually called him, especially when he had thought that Louis hated him.
“I can’t forgive you, Lou. There’s nothing to forgive you for.” Zayn said, a tear sliding down his cheek. “You did what anybody else would do. We all did it, we all ran away.”
Zayn could hear Louis crying, and he too felt like breaking down. “Zayn, I’m sorry. I miss you, I miss the boys.”
“I know, we know, we miss you too.” Zayn whispered, once again pulling on his hair to distract himself from the pain.
“How’s Harry? Is he ok?” Louis asked fervently.
Zayn paused, considering telling him a lie to not make him hurt, but he knew that Louis wouldn’t appreciate it. Zayn gulped, closing his eyes. “He’s bad.” He whispered. “He drinks, he sometimes stays with me, and that’s when he’s ok. But so many times...” Zayn stopped and heaved in a deep breath. “So many times has he told me he’d rather be dead.”
Louis cried out, and Zayn knew that he felt the same physical pain that Zayn himself felt. “Is, is he there?” Louis stuttered.
“Not yet, but he’s coming tonight.” Zayn said, trying to stay calm.
“I want to talk to him.” Louis said, his voice strong for a moment. “I’ll call back in three hours.”
“Ok.” Zayn whispered, wiping the tears away from his cheeks.
“I need to go, El just came home.” Louis mumbled. “We should do this... we should talk again.”
“I’d really like that, Lou.” Zayn said sincerely, his heart aching.
“Goodbye.” Louis said, and the line went dead.
“Bye, Lou.” Zayn whispered back into the dead line, before putting the phone down and letting his head fall to the table, tears of pain and hurt falling onto the dark wood, absorbing them without question.
It was something that Zayn could never get over. The indescribable pain that would always be buried in his heart.
Buried in his heart, heart, heart.
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all the pain omg asdfghjkl only two more chapters left guys, this should be finished soon
chapter dedication goes to @pxstelmalik because her comment was pretty awesome
ED RELEASING ALL THESE SONGS IS DEFINITELY NOT GOOD FOR ME OMFG
Sara xx