Chapter 28: Rankings and Decisions - T version
Date: Initiation Day / Baby Natty is 7 months old (August 15)
**Four POV**
I make my way through the Pit carrying a case of beer, dodging small crowds of Dauntless. Most people have flasks or bottles in their hands; the Dauntless take advantage of just about any excuse to party, and the day of the Fear Landscapes, the final test of initiation each year, is no exception.
The fear landscapes went well, especially for Tris. The Dauntless record for fewest fears was eight before I shattered it two years ago with my four fears. Tris did not beat my record, but with only six fears, she came close, and she moved through them quickly. She always does. Only the leaders get to watch the simulations, but I can only assume that they are the same six fears I have seen in her simulations. I watched the leaders scoring her carefully as they observed Tris in her landscape, nothing seemed out of the ordinary. I am confident there was nothing unusual in her final simulations. I have no doubt that Tris will place first when the final rankings are revealed tomorrow morning.
Tris. I was so nervous watching her through the window of the fear landscape room, even though I had no reason to be. She has been exceptional throughout initiation and there was no reason to doubt that she would be exceptional in her final test as well. But I'm sure it is always difficult to watch someone you love face their fears, and always nerve wracking to know that they are facing the culmination of months of hard work.
There is no denying now that I am madly in love with Tris Prior. Whatever happened during the two years we were apart doesn't matter any more, I'm done letting my jealousy get in the way. I am choosing to let that go. I love Natty with all my heart, and I need her in my life as much as I need Tris. I won't step aside for Uriah, but I need to at least try to do this right. And that is why I am searching the Pit for the Pedrad brothers.
As I near the Chasm I finally see the people I was looking for. Zeke has an arm slung around Shauna's shoulders. Marlene leans against the Chasm railing next to Uriah, who takes a drink from a silver flask before passing it to Lynn. I can hear their laughter over the roar of the river below. The initiates look as though they haven't got a care in the world. I remember that feeling after my own fear landscape two years ago and I smile at seeing them so happy. That's something you don't see a lot of during stage two, when everyone is stressed and traumatized by their fear simulations.
"Four!" Zeke yells when he sees me, though I'm only a half-dozen yards away by then and obviously coming their way.
"Congratulations on finishing your fear landscapes," I say to the initiates, nodding at them. Then I look between Zeke and Uriah. "Zeke... Uri... can I grab a beer with you guys alone? I wanted to talk to you about something."
Uriah smiles and straightens up, waving the flask away when Lynn offers it to him. She passes it to Marlene instead. "Sure, man," he says while smiling. I hope he is still smiling after I say what I need to.
Zeke pecks Shauna on the lips and drops his hand from her shoulder. "See ya, Four," Shauna calls after me as I walk away with Zeke and Uriah.
Ten minutes later, I am sitting in a worn armchair in Zeke's apartment, nervously glancing at Zeke and Uri as I sip a beer. I was thankful to find that Uriah hasn't had much to drink yet; it's probably best that he is mostly sober for this conversation. He smiles. "Thanks for the beer, Four." I nod.
"You said you wanted to talk to us about something," Zeke prompts me. I nod and lean forward, resting my forearms on my knees, and stare down at my beer bottle. I need to face this issue, whatever Uriah is to Tris. Even though I very well may not like what I hear.
I sigh and look up at my friends. I sigh and rub the back of my neck. Finally, I say, "Uriah... I wanted to talk about you and Tris."
Uriah raises his eyebrows in surprise. "Me and Tris?" he repeats.
I nod. "Yeah, um..." I clear my throat. "I... have feelings for Tris. I know you two have something going and I mean, you're my friend, I don't want to go behind your back or anything but..." Uriah catches me completely off guard when he laughs. Zeke looks surprised by his brother's reaction, too. I am not really sure what to make of it. "Okay, not the reaction I was expecting..."
"Four," Uriah says, still smiling, "Tris and I don't have 'something going on.' We're just friends. That's all we've ever been."
My shoulders relax, I'm so relieved. But, I'm also very confused. They're always flirting, always together, I saw them holding hands that time... Zeke has made a few comments about their relationship, even told me how excited Hana was that Tris and Uriah were getting serious.
I look to Zeke and he shakes his head and leans back into the couch. "Don't look at me, man, I thought they were dating, too. Uriah and I didn't get the chance to talk very often during initiation and I never asked. I just assumed, I guess..."
"Don't get me wrong... I tried," Uriah explains. "More than once, actually. But Tris has never been interested in anything more than friendship. She said she wasn't interested in dating anyone."
"But you like her," I say realizing what Uriah just implied. He's asked her out... more than once. Tris may not return his feelings, which is great news, but this could still affect my friendship with Zeke. I glance at my best friend. He looks more perplexed than anything.
"Of course I like her," Uriah replies. "It would be hard not to like Tris, right? But it's not like I was ever in love with her or anything. It's never going to happen, and I don't think it was ever meant to. It's good, though. I've recently realized that I like Marlene... a lot. I think she likes me, too." I smile. "Go for it, Four. I think you and Tris could be good together."
I look to Zeke and raise an eyebrow. "Zeke? Are we good?"
"Of course," Zeke answers. He shakes his head and laughs. "I really did not see any of this coming. But I'm happy for you, man. And Uri, about time! Marlene has liked you for ages." Uriah grins and his cheeks turn a little pink.
Relieved, I sit back and drink my beer. Now all I have to do is talk to Tris.
"So, Four, when are you going to tell Tris how you feel?" Uri asks, grinning. "Do you need any help?"
I have already thought this out, I have a plan. "Tonight, after dinner," I reply. "And yeah, we might need some help with Natty."
"I'm there!" he replies enthusiastically. "Natty can hang out with Marlene and me, we're supposed to hang out but I'm sure she won't mind if Natty tags along."
I know Uriah has watched Natty many times before but my instinct is to protect Natty, I still feel nervous. "Okay, thanks. But you'd better not get all caught up mooning over Marlene. Natty is your priority when she's with you. Got it?"
Uriah laughs. "Of course, Four. I haven't seen her as much this week, I miss my little sweetheart and want to spend some time with her. Don't worry, I would never put Natty in any danger." I relax and nod. "I'll meet you guys in the dining hall. You and Tris can leave her with me after dinner."
When I finish my second beer, I leave the rest of the case with Zeke and say goodbye to my friends. Shauna had showed up to Zeke's while I was still there and was enthusiastically supportive of my intentions to begin a relationship with Tris. It's a relief to know my friends are supporting me.
+++o+++
After dinner, Tris walks beside me, occasionally glancing at me curiously. I told her I wanted to show her something, but haven't given her any clues as to where we are going or why. When we reach the Chasm, she stops and looks up at me.
"The Chasm? Why are we here, Four?" she asks, confused.
I smile and take her hand. "You'll see," I say, and I lead her to the rock path that leads down into the Chasm. If you didn't know it was there, it would be difficult to notice; that's why no one ever comes to this place and I can always count on finding solitude here.
"Shortly after my initiation," I explain as we walk, "Zeke dated a girl whose mother worked in Chasm maintenance-- and yes, that's an actual job here." She laughs. I smile as I continue. "Anyway, she showed him this spot, which he then shared with Shauna and me. Almost no one knows it's here. I think even Zeke has forgotten about it."
We are now down almost at river level, carefully stepping from rock to rock. "I can see why you didn't want to bring Natty down here," she says. "Too cold and too difficult to walk on these rocks carrying a baby." I nod; that's exactly why I didn't show her this place when she wanted somewhere to hide out on Visiting Day.
We reach my spot, a large, flat rock that sits a few yards above the water, and I sit down, dangling my legs off the side. Tris follows along and sits beside me the same way. I feel the mist on my legs from the churning water below.
I clear my throat. "This is one of the few places in this compound that I can escape the people and the noise, and can just relax and think. I spent a lot of time here after I first found it. I was..." I pause, trying to find the words to explain. "I was miserable. I hated myself for the way I treated you, for the person I thought I was. I know I hurt you, Tris, and I meant to... I thought I had to in order to protect you. I am so sorry. You deserve an explanation."
Tris purses her lips and nods while watching the water rush over the rocks in the river. "Yeah, I think I do." She looks at me expectantly.
I run my hand through my hair. "Do you remember how Marcus made me go with him to deliver pamphlets to the factions that morning?" She nods. "Well, we only went to Candor. He manipulated Jack Kang into having someone deliver them to the other factions."
Tris furrows her brow. "Then where were you for so long? Candor isn't far from Abnegation, and you were gone a long time that day."
I nod. "Marcus took me into the Factionless sector. He said he wanted to 'tell me about his life.' He told me a story about his father, his own childhood. So that I could understand him and myself, he said. He told me that his father was a 'hard man', strict, very firm. The same way he was with me. And that it was in my blood-- that one day, I would end up just like him. Then he took me to a battered women's shelter. He made me watch through a two-way mirror as women told stories about the abuse they had suffered by their husbands. And then..." I watch the water below me. I will never get this out if I have to look her in the eyes. "...then he made me watch videos. Interviews with men accused of severe domestic violence. The common theme among them was that they had been abused by their own fathers."
I look up at Tris finally. She is staring at me with wide eyes. I can't tell what she's thinking. My chest aches with guilt, such a familiar feeling, at allowing myself to really remember that day, and how broken she looked as I flippantly tossed her aside and walked out of her life. "I thought I was protecting you, Tris. I thought it was the only way... I had to make you believe I didn't want you, I couldn't risk hurting you the way he hurt me... the way he hurt my mother. I decided I would never have a girlfriend or a wife or children because I was bound to hurt them one day and I couldn't live with that. Tris, I'm so sorry, I was wrong, so wrong."
"I wish you had talked to me," she says quietly. "You're not like him. I could have told you that."
"I know I'm not like him, Tris, but I wouldn't have believed you then. Not until I found out that Marcus lied." She furrows her eyebrows. "About six months after my initiation, Max volunteered my computer skills to help set up a database for Candor to track genealogy. That was when I found out that Marcus lied about it all. His father died when he was very young, and his mother never remarried. He was just manipulating me, like always. That's when I realized what a huge mistake I had made. I never should have listened to him, Tris."
I look at Tris, hoping and praying and silently pleading for her to understand, for her to forgive me. She sighs. "Thank you for telling me what happened. Well done, though. You had me believing every word of it." My stomach twists painfully. At the time, I needed her to believe it, but hearing from her lips now that she really believed that I didn't love her, that I never had... that I was only using her... brings a fresh wave of guilt.
"Tris." My voice cracks on her name. "If I could take it all back, I would, in a heartbeat. Please forgive me, Tris, I am so sorry."
Tris looks at me for a long time, and the longer she stares at me, the more certain and, honestly, panicked I feel that she will tell me that I hurt her too deeply, that she will never be able to look at me without thinking of all the ways I have hurt her.
Say something, Tris, I will her. And then she finally opens her mouth to speak and my heart pounds and I want to take it back, because surely she will crush my hopes of us ever being together again, and I don't want to hear her say the words.
"You really hurt me, Four," she says slowly. "But neither of us is perfect. However misguided it was, you were doing what you thought was best, to protect me, and I... well, I can understand that, especially now." I understand what she means; she's a mother now, and it is her job every day to protect her child. I am sure she would have done almost anything to protect her mother from Marcus, as well. "Mother told me once that there was evil in everyone, and the first step to caring for someone else is to recognize that evil in ourselves, so we can forgive them. Now that I understand what happened, what it is I need to forgive, it's a lot easier."
"So you forgive me?" I ask hopefully, but still cautiously. It feels too good to be true.
"Yes," she says. "Yes, Four, I forgive you."
I pull Tris into my arms and bury my face in her hair. "Thank you, Tris," I murmur. "Thank you. I needed to know that you could forgive me. I was a fool to ever push you away. Tris... I want to be with you. I want you, and Natty. I want a relationship with you, Tris. You're all I've ever wanted."
"Are you sure... I mean, Natty..." she trails off, looking at me nervously.
"I love Natty, Tris." I lean in and rest my forehead against hers. "Be with me, Tris. Please."
Her lips lightly brush against mine in reply, then again, more firmly this time. I wrap my arm around her waist and pull her closer and tangle my other hand in her hair. We kiss with more certainty, Tris cupping my cheek with one hand while the other rests on my chest. We kiss until we have to stop to catch our breath, and we lean our foreheads together again, our eyes closed.
"Yes," Tris breathes, and my eyes fly open to meet hers. A smile creeps onto her face. "Yes, Four. I want to be with you, too."
We kiss one more time then pull away. I stand and hold my hand out to help Tris up. "We should go get Natty before Uriah gets too distracted by Marlene," I joke. Tris laughs and smiles, and we leave the chasm hand in hand.
+++o+++
When I wake the next morning, Natty and Tris are still sleeping peacefully. Never before have I woken up this utterly content. In Abnegation, I always had to hurry back to my own bed for fear-- no, terror-- of being caught and answering to Marcus. And every time I've ended up sleeping next to Tris here in Dauntless, I have awoken to confusion and guilt: confusion about my feelings and where she and I stand, and guilt, which I now know was unfounded, about the relationship I thought she was in with Uriah.
But not today. Today I open my eyes and as soon as I look down, I see Tris. We both lie on our sides, facing one another. Her lips are slightly parted and her honey-blond hair is fanned out on the pillow in tangled waves; one of her legs is slung over mine and my arms are wrapped around her, holding her close to me. I smile hearing a little sigh from Natty's crib.
I gently remove my right arm from Tris's back and roll onto my back slowly, so I won't wake her, then slip carefully out of the bed. I stand there for a moment watching her sleep, then stop and watch Natty on my way to the bathroom. This is what I want, every day. I can't imagine a better way to wake up each morning than just like this.
It is several hours before the rankings will be announced, so I go about my usual morning routine quietly. I don't want to wake them when they have a rare chance to sleep in. After I shower and get dressed, I quickly scribble a note to Tris and leave it on my bedside table.
I am still smiling as I slip quietly out of the apartment and start down the hall. There are things I need to do before I meet Tris at the rankings and job choosing. I know Tris will be ranked first, and so she will have the first pick at job choosing. I am not sure what her career interests are; we haven't ever discussed that, though I know I will support her in whatever she chooses, from leadership down to a job like tattoo artist. But there is one thing I am sure of: I want to wake up with Tris in my arms and Natty asleep nearby every single day. I can't stand the idea of Tris and Natty moving out. I want them to live with me, I know this with absolute certainty. I love them, both of them, so damn much.
That's why I dragged myself out of bed and away from Tris this morning. When I ask her to move in with me permanently later today, I want her to know how serious my offer is.
I smile as I enter the housing office. The woman at the desk is someone I have never met before-- she appears to be in her late thirties or early forties, and I have never had reason to visit this office before as I am still living in the same apartment I was assigned after my own initiation. "Hello, how can I help you today?" she asks with a smile.
I take a deep breath. "I'm here to reserve a two bedroom apartment."
+++o+++ +++o+++
* Tris POV *
I am so nervous. In five minutes, the final rankings will be revealed and we will choose our jobs. I am pretty sure I made the required score to complete initiation, so I am mostly anxious to see whether I ranked high enough to choose the job I want. We will choose in order of our final rankings.
I have been almost subconsciously watching the entrance for Four, and I feel so much calmer when I see him walk in. I knew he wouldn't miss the final rankings, but it is still comforting to have him here. It was disappointing to wake up to a note instead of with him beside me, but, according to his note, he had some errands to run, and he promised to meet me here for job selection.
He sits at the table next to ours, next to Zeke. Stealing a sideways glance at Four I feel the sudden warmth in the pit of my stomach. Emotional connection aside, I can't deny how attracted I am to this man. Even before we had defined what was going on between us, before entering a committed relationship, the way in which my body responded to him was unlike anything I have ever experienced. The things I did with Four are things I don't even think I'd want to do with anyone else. I trusted him as a person, and I trusted him enough to be close to him physically. If I am honest with myself, I have always had strong urges when around him. I chuckle remembering back to his shock when I used the lotion for the first time.
"Nervous?" Uriah asks as he sits down next to me, Marlene taking the seat on his right. As soon as they are sitting he grabs her hand. I smile. I also appreciate Uri and Mar agreeing to keep my new relationship with Four on the down-low for a couple of days. Four and I agreed we didn't want to risk any accusations of favoritism.
"A little," I admit.
"Don't be," Marlene says while smiling warmly at me. "You've got to be near the top. You were out of that fear landscape so fast yesterday!"
"Yeah, I turned to talk to Will for a few seconds and you were already done!" Christina says. I detect an undertone of bitterness in her voice; she's jealous. I can't do anything about our ranks now, and I wouldn't do less than my best anyway, so I try to ignore her tone and move on.
"I'm sure you did great, Chris," I assure her. "What job are you going to pick?"
"I think I want a job like Fours, training initiates," she says. "Scaring the living daylights out of them. You know, fun stuff."
"I'm hoping for Leader-in-Training," Will adds.
"I think you'd be good at that," Marlene encourages him.
Our conversation is cut short when Max and Eric make their way to the front of the room. Eric taps the microphone and all the conversation dies out.
"The group of eighteen year olds that started this process earlier this summer have now been molded into soldiers worthy of being called Dauntless. When you all arrived two months ago, I really didn't think some of you were going to make it, but all of you have earned the required scores to pass initiation. So, congratulations to all of you." The Dauntless that have gathered to watch the ceremony clap and cheer.
"After the rankings are revealed, you will choose your professions, in the order that you are ranked. I know you've been waiting to see how you did. The rankings will appear behind me."
As soon as Eric says "me," a list of names appears behind him. At the top of the list is my name, with my picture beside it. I gasp into my hands and smile. Four grins at me from his seat at the next table over.
I read the rest of the list:
Tris
Edward
Uriah
Lynn
Marlene
Will
Peter
Christina
I smile, and hug Christina from across the table. Scanning the rest of the list, most of which are Dauntless-born who I have never spoken with, I see that Drew and Molly are ranked twelfth and thirteenth, and Al and Myra are at the bottom. They will work at the fence, but at least they made it through initiation.
Uriah hugs me. "Congratulations, first rank!"
"Congratulations to you too, Uri!"
The microphone squeals and we turn to see Eric impatiently waiting for us to quiet down. I roll my eyes; as if he wasn't in our same position feeling the same way just two years ago.
"Let's proceed with the job selections," Eric says and we all quiet down. "When I call your name, you will come forward and tell Max your job selection, then if Max approves your choice, you will announce it into the microphone. Tris."
I stand and approach the table near the big screen. I know what career I will choose. I have known since that night over a month ago when Natty was sick, that I want to be a doctor. Once I knew my baby was alright, I found everything at the infirmary fascinating. I like that I would be helping people; I think my Abnegation roots would be of benefit when taking care of those in need. My mother was always so selfless, and the thought of being a little more like her makes me smile.
I think of Caleb and his passion for knowledge, and how my mother confided to me that my father was Erudite-born. I think they would be pleased with this choice, too.
"Doctor in the Dauntless infirmary," I tell Max.
He smiles. "A good choice for our first ranked. Congratulations, Tris."
I smile back and go to the microphone. I lock eyes with Four as I announce my choice to the room. He smiles and cheers with the other Dauntless as I walk back to my friends and sit down. Edward pats my shoulder and congratulates me warmly when we pass on his way to choose his own job.
I started looking into the doctor training program soon after Natty's sick visit, when I returned to the infirmary with Chris for our birth control shots. I would work normal hours that would allow me to keep the baby here in daycare, at least at first, and the job would pay well enough to pay Monica to watch Natty when I did eventually have to work nights. All my training would be done here at Dauntless, which is ideal for the baby as well. My daughter's wellbeing always comes first, and I am thankful that the career I feel a passion for will work with her needs.
Edward chooses to train initiates, and I notice Four smiling. Christina stiffens next to me. Next, Four looks apprehensive when Uriah chooses to work in intelligence-- the control room, where Four and Zeke work. He doesn't react much to the other jobs chosen; Lynn chooses tattoo artist. Marlene will work in the Dauntless Daycare; I smile at the thought that a trusted friend will be there looking out for Natty. Will gets his wish of leader-in-training, which makes Peter scowl; Peter chooses a career fighting for entertainment.
Christina talks to Max for longer than the others have before she announces her choice of retail and makeup artist for special events. I know she wanted to train initiates, but there must have only been one position open, and Edward already claimed it. She scowls as she sits back down at our table and side-eyes me. "Must be nice to get first pick of jobs," she sneers.
I take a deep breath and let it out before I answer. "What, did you think eighth rank should get first pick?" I say calmly. "I'm just glad Peter didn't get to choose Leadership. Congrats, by the way, Will."
Will smiles at me in thanks and either doesn't notice Christina glaring at him, or maybe he just chooses to ignore it.
"Hey, Chris!" I say brightly, taking her attention off of Will. "Why don't I come by on your first day? You can do my makeup, make me look gorgeous." I flip my hair dramatically.
"Oh my God yes!" Christina cheers, jumping up and hugging me. "I can't wait! Oh, this is going to be so much fun!" I smile as I hug her back; retail and makeup is clearly the perfect job for her.
+++o+++
Four and I decided to have lunch alone at the apartment instead of going to the dining hall with all our friends. Though our relationship isn't public yet, everything already feels so different between us. I hadn't realized how much tension was still present when we were together until we finally stopped pushing away our feelings for one another.
"I thought most of the initiates chose well at the job choosing ceremony today," Four says. "Edward will be a good instructor. I won't mind working with him if I train initiates again next year."
I frown, remembering how jealous, almost bitter, Christina was acting today. "That's what Christina wanted to choose," I say. "She was really disappointed when the job wasn't available."
Four groans. "Thank God Edward chose it first then. Christina would have been terrible."
I giggle. Christina may be my best friend, but I have to agree with Four that Edward will make an excellent instructor. He helped me master new moves several times during initiation. "I think she will be much happier with the job she chose anyway."
"Yeah, I think it suits her," Four agrees. "I thought most of the initiates chose well. I can see Will as a leader, for example. He is smart, self-disciplined and level-headed. I'm not thrilled with Uriah's choice, though. I'm sure he'll be good at the job, but I have to work there, too."
"You don't like Uriah?" I ask. I know at one point, he thought that Uriah and I had hooked up. I never told him otherwise, so maybe it's my fault that Four isn't looking forward to working with Uri. I didn't think he actually cared about me, at the time, so there was no reason to.
"No, no, I do like Uriah," he insists. "But you know how he is, always goofing around. I already work with Zeke, who is just as bad, but both Pedrads? God help me."
I burst out laughing. "You'd better watch your back, they're going to team up on you. The control room is going to become Pedrad prank central."
"That's exactly why I'm nervous," Tobias says with a grimace, but I see the twinkle of laughter in his eyes.
I glance at the clock. I have to be at the apartment choosing ceremony in thirty minutes. "Four, do you think all the single apartments will be studios like this one?"
"For the initiates? Usually, yeah," he answers, looking down at his plate and rubbing the back of his neck. He does that when he's nervous. I raise an eyebrow.
Four runs his fingers through his dark brown curls. "Tris, I wanted to talk to you about something," he admits. I wait patiently for him to continue. "Now that we're together... well, we've already been roommates for the last two months. I... I was hoping... well, I'd like you and Natty to live with me permanently."
My eyes dart around the apartment. I so badly want to say yes. This apartment is now so familiar to me, and we would be with Four. He has been so good to Natty, and I love him, I know I do.
But it has been so difficult already keeping the truth about Natty from him. I can't accept his invitation and live together with him, like a real family, when I can't even be honest with him about the baby... our sister.
And I am too afraid of what could happen if anyone knew that Natty wasn't really my daughter. I can't tell him.
"I know this place is small, and Natty needs her own room," Four rushes to add. "That's what I was doing this morning. I reserved a two bedroom for us, in hopes that you will say yes. Please say yes, Tris." His blue eyes are shining and he looks so hopeful. God, I don't want to disappoint him... but I know I have to. The lie that has become my life is holding me back, and even if it wasn't, I want to see that I can do this, that I can give Natty everything she deserves, all on my own.
"Four... that is such a sweet offer. You don't know how happy it makes me when I see you with Natty, and how much I love being with you. But I'm not ready. I need to be on my own for a while, to be independent. I want to get my own place for now."
Four's face falls, and the hurt he's feeling over my answer is unmistakable. I feel sick to my stomach seeing his reaction, I don't want to hurt him. But I can't permanently move in with him, I just can't. He pushes back from the table and stands up, then quickly gathers up our empty plates and takes them into the kitchen. I watch him for a moment as he washes the dishes, turned away from me facing the sink. I can see the tension in his shoulders.
I get up and go to him, leaning against his back and wrapping my arms around his waist. He stops what he's doing and I feel him sigh. I can still hear the water running from the kitchen faucet.
"The first month was rough, but lately, things have been going so well with the three of us living here together, Tris," he says in a strained voice. "And now we're together... I just really thought that things were working out well."
"They are," I admit.
He turns off the water and turns around, stepping away from me. I let my arms drop. "Obviously not as well as I thought," he mumbles bitterly as he paces across the room. "I know this is new, and fast, but we've been dancing around this for weeks, Tris. I want you, I want to be with you. I like having you and Natty here, and I thought you liked being here with me." He scrubs his hands over his face.
It's my turn to sigh, frustrated. "I told you... I do like being here with you. Don't you get it, Four? I'm in love with you! Whether I live with you or not, it doesn't change how I feel about you. I'm just not ready to officially move in together as a couple!"
Four freezes then slowly turns to look at me. I feel like his gaze is burning into me, and I don't know if it's a good thing or bad until he charges across the room and pulls me to him with his right hand pressing against the small of my back and his left in my hair and he crashes his lips against mine.
Four kisses me with urgency, seeming almost desperate, and I gasp. He takes advantage of my parted lips and thrusts his tongue into my mouth; I respond quickly and swirl my tongue with his. Slowly and hesitantly he pulls away and stares into my eyes, resting his forehead against mine..
"Say it again," he says.
"I love you, Four," I whisper.
Four closes his eyes with a content smile. "I love you too, Tris."
We kiss again, but soon I pull away and look at the clock. "We can continue this later," I smirk. "I have to be in the housing office for the apartment assignments in ten minutes."
Four's face falls again, but he quickly wipes all trace of disappointment from his face and nods. "Okay," he says. "I don't have to be there for the housing assignments. Do you want me to pick up Natty from daycare for you?"
"That would be nice," I agree. "I'll meet you here when I am done and the three of us can spend the evening together."
Four smiles. "I'd like that. I'll see you soon."
I kiss him, not letting it linger this time, before leaving for the housing office.
+++o+++
I stroke my sleeping baby's soft blonde hair with my fingers before leaning down and kissing her forehead. I straighten and as I spend another moment watching her little chest's gentle rise and fall, I feel Four's firm chest press against my back and his arm wrap around my waist. I lean back into him and close my eyes.
I got the keys to my new apartment this afternoon-- a studio much like Four's-- and have taken a look inside, but Natty and I are staying here one more night and will move things in tomorrow. I told Four that it would be easier on Natty this way, that tomorrow we can spend some time there so that she is better adjusted to the new place by bedtime. In reality, it was more for Four and for me. I'm not entirely happy about my decision to move into my own place, but I know it is for the best. And I know that Four was hurt when I turned him down, so I wanted to be sure he knew I wasn't as anxious to get away from our roommate situation as he may have thought.
Four's grip on my waist loosens and he bends to kiss Natty's cheek before he leads me away from the crib. When we reach his bed, he sits and pulls me to stand close to him, between his legs. I decide to be bold and sit on his lap, resting my head on his shoulder with my arms around his neck, and his hands find their way around my waist again.
"I'm going to miss having you and Natty here," he says softly, his nose in my hair and his lips next to my ear.
I smile. "Thank you for understanding about the apartment, Four," I say. "Besides, I'm sure we will still spend plenty of time together. I wouldn't like to be apart from you too much. I love you."
Four shifts, then his nose slides along my jaw before his soft lips brush mine. I kiss him back and let my hands glide down his arms. Our kisses quickly become deeper, full of passion and need as our hands explore each other's bodies.
Four flips us around without breaking the kiss, my back hits the mattress and he is hovering over me with his forearms on either side of my head. We pull away for air and his lips make a trail along my jaw to my ear, then down my neck, giving me a heady feeling. At the same time, he shifts his weight to his left arm so that his right hand is free to travel down my body, stopping to caress me on its way to the hem of my shirt. Four pauses and fiddles with the fabric for a moment, giving me a chance to stop him, but I don't, and soon my shirt has been pulled over my head and thrown to the floor.
We both sit up and I pull his shirt over his head, then take in his gorgeous, toned chest and stomach, and I know he is doing the same to me. He kisses me again as he reaches behind me and fumbles for just a second before unhooking my bra; he must be really anxious for this to happen. He slides the straps down my arms and tosses it to the floor next to my shirt.
As soon as we touch again, we quickly become a tangled mess of limbs, hands and lips and tongues exploring one another desperately. Soon the small pile of clothing on the floor next to the bed has become much larger and the bare skin of our naked bodies is pressed against each other from head to toe.
"Tris," Four groans against my neck. "We need to stop. I don't think I can control myself much longer."
My heart pounds. I want to be with him, but now the opportunity is in front of me. We're not just messing around any more, we're actually together and in love.
"I don't want to stop," I tell him.
He lifts his head and looks into my eyes for a moment. "Are you sure?"
"Yes," I say confidently. He kisses me hard, sucking on my lower lip. Panting, Four breaks away from me. He leans across me to the bedside table, opens the drawer and begins rummaging through it. I realize that he's looking for a condom and put my hand on his arm to stop him. "We don't need it, I mean, if you'd rather not... I got the birth control shot a few weeks ago," I explain. Four stares at me for a moment the nods and connects his lips with mine again.
I suck in a breath as he showers my body with attention, making sure I am ready for him. He trails kisses back up to my neck and murmurs, "I love you, Tris."
"I love you," I say as I pull him closer, tightening my arms around his back.
"Are you ready, Tris?" he asks. I nod. "Are you sure?"
"I'm sure," I promise.
Four doesn't hesitate any further, and I am startled by sharp pain I feel. He pauses and groans and I hold on even tighter. I dig my nails into his back in response to the pain, he hisses in response and I try to relax my hold a little. I obviously cannot tell him that I am-- or was-- a virgin, and how else would I explain? I just can't let him notice my reaction.
And luckily, he doesn't seem to. I can feel his hot breath on my neck as he begins to move. I am pleasantly surprised to find that the pain fades before long, and while sex doesn't seem to be everything I imagined it to be, it begins to feel good. Not amazing, but good.
But it is over too soon. He collapses on me for a moment, totally spent, as I lay there still aroused and unfulfilled, staring at the ceiling. What do I do now?! This was not what I was expecting.
After a moment of recovery, Four rolls off of me and pulls me to his chest. Through still heavy breathing, he says, "Tris, I'm so sorry. I've, um... been waiting to be with you for a long time. I... ugh." I look at his face and notice that his cheeks are bright red.
"Um, it's okay," I mumble. He's already embarrassed, I'm sure next time will be better.
Four's hand gently skims down the bare skin of my body until it is once again where I need attention most. I've already come down a little from my building excitement. My eyes are locked on Four's dark blue orbs as he uses his hands to bring me to completion with the same skill he has several other times recently. Soon, I fall apart from his touch, light headed at the bliss exploding through my body. Finally I collapse against Four's chest and he pulls the blanket up over us before kissing my forehead.
After several whispered 'I love yous' and tender kisses, Four holds me tightly, my back pressed against his chest. His grip on me loosens as his breathing evens out, and I know he is asleep.
But I lay awake, staring into the dark. After everything today-- Four asking me and Natty to move in with him (and my refusal), declaring our love for one another, and especially giving myself to him, I feel more guilty than ever. Even though I love him, I can't be completely honest with Four. Here he is, now helping me raise Natty-- his own sister... and he doesn't know the truth. I want to tell him, I do. But Natty's safety is always my first priority, and telling anyone, even Four, is a risk. There is also a part of me that is scared at what his reaction will be to my deceit. Will he understand? Will he be able to forgive me?
I lay awake late into the night thinking, never coming any closer to a solution than when I started.
++o+ Chapter End +o++