Journey Of A Starving Girl

Weekends= avoiding food at all cost

I couldn't sleep last night, I only got about 4 hours of sleep, if that. That's what happens when you don't eat.. your heart rate speeds up, so it keeps you up. My eyes feel like they have sand in them, my mind can't think straight. It's currently 9:14 Am on Friday and I'm already thinking about how to avoid eating. Planning my meal for the weekend.. today, one soft taco from Taco Bell and 8 peanut butter cookies. 437 calories for today. Saturday,  one sausage McMuffin with no egg, 280 calories. It's pretty easy hiding it from my parents, I just eat my one meal a day in front  of them. Their pretty gullible. Every Sunday I go to my grandparents to eat. I don't worry to much on Sundays. It's considered a calorie free counting day. Next week is going to be really hard.. a social event, thanksgiving. The old me absolutely loved thanksgiving, like for real.. but the new me is terrified of it. Not to mention, my cousins are coming down and call me, "anorexic girl" I laugh with them.. it's funny. When something has become your new normal for so long it's hard not to joke about. Sometimes humor can ease the pain, make it seem okay. Anyway, with thanksgiving being next week I need to step up my game. Eat less and less so I can eat whatever I want. What sucks even more is that I have to eat at my moms and grandparents.. that means more food. I can already see myself picking what foods I can and cannot eat, counting the calories. Making sure I don't eat more then 600. Is it even human like to not eat on thanksgiving? I guess I'll just have to suck it up and eat. My family thinks I'm better now.. I can't let them see that I'm not. Maybe if I keep acting okay they will cancel my therapy appointment. I can't even imagine how embarrassing it's going to be.. going to therapy because I starve myself? People usually go to therapy for depression, or for something bad happening to them.. but for Starving? "Hi, I'm Kaeleigh.. I'm your new patient, I starve my self. Can you help me?"  Telling the therapist my darkest secrets about food. How I hide food, how my scale is right under my bed, and how I take pictures of my body. All these things are going to make me sound crazy. But no one understands that, to me it's normal. I do all of this on a daily basis.. and no one can stop me. You think I like being this way? Hell no, I would kill to be a normal teenager.. but I don't know how.