t a y l o r
------------------
There was never butterflies. Just fire.
------------------
The concept of heaven and hell has always been something that litters on the tips of my thoughts.
God and the Devil.
And whether it exists or not.
My view?
We are each other's demons and angels.
We carry the same in our subconscious. And we've got to be careful in regards to which one we listen to.
Currently, my angels and demons are at conflict with one another.
One told me to run to Astrid and cherish her. To apologise for all the pain and heartache I'd put her through.
The other told me to kill her. To remove the threat before it's able to blossom.
I wanted to, but then I looked at her and I couldn't.
Her eyes were ice. Mesmerising but cold. Lifegiving and dangerous. This harsh collision of recklessness and relentlessness, refusing to be tamed.
Her lips were the soft ocean. Soft and sweet. Ever Changing but remarkably powerful. Just one taste reminded me of so many things. Of home, of childhood dreams, of loss, of love.
Her laughter was the rain. Beautiful, enchanting and soft. So fucking soft.
She terrified me.
The control she had over me. The pure lust my body was consumed with when I looked at her.
It's killing me.
And it's killing me even more that I can't have her.
I can't go against my sister. I can't side with a suspected traitor over my family.
Astrid was destroying everything bad in me, and I was destroying myself by staying with her.
And it's only a matter of time before destroying myself is no longer enough.
"You're making a mistake, you know." A voice hums from behind me.
I turn to see Shae staring at the sky before me. It seemed as though he had joined me on my balcony without me realising.
"Regarding?" The question slipped out, despite me already knowing the answer.
"You know what I'm talking about." His jaw locked, and he didn't look at me. "I did Jesse's night shift."
"And?"
"She had a nightmare." He says quietly, "The door was locked so I couldn't get in but she was screaming for her Mom. And when she woke up, she couldn't stop crying."
My chest contracted at his words, and I clenched my eyes shut in order to avoid physically reacting.
"You have to stop judging her for her parents. Hayden told me it was mercy kill." Shae scolds, disappointment lacing his tone. "I don't understand. Why are you so desperate to be away from her? What are you so scared of?"
"I'm not scared of anything." I insist, scoffing at him.
"Bull-fucking-shit. You're scared of her." He comments as if it's the most obvious thing in the world. "It's like you're scared she won't care about you back, or maybe you're scared of finally having a weakness. But it's too late for that, look at your fucking tattoo."
My biceps tighten at his words, and I lift my arm so I can see the intricate design etched on my upper right arm.
"How many lines are there?" He questions.
"18." I don't even have to count.
"Who for?"
"Everyone." I swallow.
"Names, Taylor." He demands, leaving no room for question.
"You. Sawyer. Oli. Me. Bec. Lexi. Asher. Xander. Jesse. River. Addy. Hayden. Jayce. Dylan. Scar. Devil. Erin."
"And?" He pushes.
"Astrid." I say finally, "It's Astrid."
"Whether you like it or not, she's your weakness. Or at least one of them." He tells me, "You need to accept it. When together in unity, we will always succeed."
Shae leaves, and I spend the next few minutes just watching the stars.
Walking back into my room, I'm greeted by a figure sat on my bed.
"Why are you here?"
Steel-blue eyes look up to me, a whirlwind of emotions playing dangerously in them ocean eyes.
She doesn't reply, instead laying a smashed photo frame onto my bed.
I pick it up, studying the photograph. It was a younger version of Astrid and her brother, Wren, and two adults who I assume are her parents. They were oddly familiar, to an extent where it was almost painful.
"Because you fucked up." Her answer is simple and short, but it hits me right where it hurts. "You fucked up when you stopped Rogue from killing me. You fucked up when you attempted to teach me to fight. You fucked up when you kissed me back. You fucked up when you took me on a date. You fucked up when you fucking betrayed me, for no damn reason."
"You know that isn't true." It comes out quiet, but she still manages to hear it.
"Bullshit. You had no reason to think I was the traitor, other than Rebecca's false claims based on her hatred towards me." Her voice shakes, and I clench my eyes shut to avoid looking at her. "You know, I would've expected all of them to turn on me, but not you. Oh god, not you."
"Then why are you here? If I betrayed you, if I fucked up, why are you here with this?" I hold up the photo frame, shoving it back onto my bed.
"I don't need to give you an explanation on why I've done the things I have, but I just want to ask you one question." She points to the younger version of herself, "What's the difference between me and her?"
I study the photograph. The girls eyes are just as blue as the ones before me, but they're brighter, happier. Her golden brown curls fall elegantly just below her shoulders, and her smile is unmistakable.
"She looks happy."
"I hate you so much." Her voice breaks on the last word, and tears begin to fall down her cheeks. "Or at least I want to. I want to hate you, but I can't. I don't know why I can't. I should hate you."
"Astri-" She cuts me off by jumping up, sending a left hook to my jaw.
I stumble back, wincing from the sudden pain erupting on my face. But she doesn't stop there.
I grunt as she knees me in the ribs, and I gasp as she sends hit after hit to my rib. But I don't fall. I take it. I let her hit me.
Not because I think I deserve it, but because she needs to.
Her punches hurt, but it's nothing I haven't felt a hundred times before.
"I should never have trusted you." Her punches become sloppy and her cries become too heavy, I pull her into my chest but she struggles against my hold. It doesn't take long for her to relax, leaning her head onto me and crying. Her merciless tears feel like a knife, cutting into my chest.
I never meant for this to happen.
I never meant to hurt her.
"I'm sorry." I mumble, running my fingers through her hair. "I'm sorry for doing this to you. I'm sorry for it all, but I had to go with Becca. I had to."
"Why?" The wood crumbles into a million pieces, tearing shreds of my heart with it.
"You wouldn't understand." I shake my head, blinking away any tears threatening to escape.
"Then make me." She doesn't hesitate to reply, pulling away from my grip just to look me in the eye. "I deserve an explanation, Taylor."
"I can't go against Becca, I can't."
"How are you going against her by doing something that'll make you happy?"
"She doesn't like you." I gulp, stating the obvious. "I owe her everything, it feels like I'm going against her."
"That's bullsh-"
"She saved my life." She stops talking, surprised by my words. "My parents and brother were killed when I was younger, and Becca witnessed it with me. We were living on the streets and a rebel soldier wanted everything we owned and my parents fought back. He shot them, and then my brother, and then Becca shot him to stop him getting me. I wouldn't be here without her."
"That still doesn't give you an excuse to treat me like shit. I bet you've saved her life on numerous occasions, and it doesn't mean shit to her."
"If I told her to dump Shae at this very second, she would without hesitating." I disagree instantly, "Look I get you don't understand what family is like bu-"
"What the fuck did you just say?" Her jaw drops, and pure rage consumes her eyes. "Look, you don't know fuck all about me."
Oh Astrid, I already know that.