“You don't get to choose if you get hurt in this world...but you do have some say in who hurts you. I like my choices.” —The Fault In Our Stars
Chapter 3
“Are we almost there?” Her eyes flickered over the grey rocky terrain. They were too high in elevation for trees and shrubs to grow. There were only rocks—piles and piles of sharp, treacherous rocks.
“The answer is the same as it was the last five times you asked.” She smiled at the hint of exasperation in his voice. He’d managed to keep his temper in check for the last hour, but it was slowly starting to deteriorate.
“I’m sorry,” she said with mock sincerity, “Am I annoying you? I didn’t mean to.”
“I already said it was an accident,” he said through clenched teeth.
“So you keep saying, but how can I be sure you? You could have been trying to take advantage of me.”
She’d woken up that morning pressed against the side of the ice-cold tent. She tried to roll away, but Graham was plastered to her back making it impossible to move. One arm lay heavy around her waist while his face nestled in the slope of her neck. She could feel his chest rise and fall in an even rate as he slumbered. She nudged his stomach, trying to wake him, but he grumbled a few ineligible words against her skin and went back to sleep.
When he finally opened his eyes, he bolted upright, looking adorably confused. Disheveled, he shook his head a little, as if to make sure he wasn’t dreaming. Locks of dark brown hair fell into his eyes and hastily he pushed them back, but his fingers caught in the tangles. Impatient, he yanked out his hand and backed away. His cheeks turned red as he pointed to her and then to him.
“Did I….Did we—?”
Alexis had to bite her tongue to keep herself from smiling. He looked so embarrassed, even his ears were bright red.
“I didn’t mean to,” he quickly explained after scurrying to the opposite side of the tent.
Truthfully, she adored the contact. Being cocooned in his arms made her feel protected and cherished. She wanted to wake up in his embrace every morning, but she wasn’t going to let him know. Seeing him flustered was the highlight of her day. His composure rarely slipped so when it did, she took advantage. She needled him all morning, deriving great pleasure from his discomfort.
“Maybe this is part of your nefarious plan,” she continued, ignoring the grumpy look he sent over his shoulder. “Lull the sweet, innocent hiker into your tent and—”
“Sweet?” he interrupted with a small snort. “You nearly bit off my finger when I asked if I could have some of your trail mix yesterday.”
“That’s because you steal all the chocolate!”
“I do not.” His tone was pure male arrogance as he lied through his teeth, but she didn’t call him on it. She would let him keep his dignity—for now. Happiness bubbled up inside her chest. Their playful banter made her feel light and carefree.
“And for the record,” he added, abruptly stopping in his tracks and turning to face her, “I do have a plan concerning you.”
“Finally admitting you want your wicked way with me?” she asked, raising an eyebrow.
“I’ve always wanted that.” He gave her a slow, deliberately provocative smile. “It just doesn’t begin till after we finish this hike and you get a chance to take a shower.”
Her eyes widened partly in shock, partly at his presumption. She did not smell! Her lips moved to form words, but no sound emerged.
The glint of desire in his eyes melted away as humor took hold. He tapped the end of her nose. “Better close your mouth before the bugs fly in.”
Her jaw snapped shut and he let out a deep, languid chuckle. The sound was rich, warm molasses that trickled down and coated her senses. Dazed, she wondered if it was possible to die by over stimulation.
“Let’s go ladybug, we still have a long way to the top.”
She moved to follow, but froze mid-step as his words registered. “What did you call me?” she asked, shock coloring her voice. She’d never told him her father’s nickname for her. It was the one thing she hadn’t discussed last night.
He turned, a wide smile on his face. “I said, ‘Let’s—Oh.’” The smile slowly faded till it turned into a grim white line.
Her heart thudded violently beneath her chest. “How did you know?”
“Alexis—”
“Did you know my dad?”
He grabbed her shoulders and hustled her to the side as a group of hikers passed. His tall, lithe body towered over hers. Normally, she would have leaned into his touch, but now she shirked away. His eyes narrowed at the movement and he shifted closer till their bodies met. Needing distance, she crossed her arms over her chest like a barrier and leaned back.
“Alexis,” he murmured quietly as his voice took a hard edge.
“Answer me, Graham,” she said, not backing down. Her tone was pure steel. She could tell he didn’t want to. Refusal set in the harsh lines of his face. “Did you know my dad?”
The muscles in his chest bunched under his shirt as his hands tightened their grip. He pinched his lips together and nodded. “Yes, I knew your father.”
For a few moments, she stood completely still, letting herself absorb the information. Then, the impact of his statement hit and she drew in long, jagged breath.
“Alexis?”
Stony silence filled the air. Her stomach twisted itself into a tight knot as she tried to untangle her emotions. They were all there—anger, confusion, disappointment, but perhaps the biggest of all was the sense of betrayal. Its sharp barbs pierced her heart, drawing blood.
“Say something,” he ordered. His fingers digging into her flesh as he gently shook her shoulders.
She let her lashes fall, afraid he would see how much his admission had hurt her. She wasn’t a trusting person, especially with men, but she’d given him the chance. Hell, she practically offered him her heart with outstretched hands and he crushed it in one fell blow. She berated herself for giving him the power to hurt her so badly. Hadn’t she learned anything from her mother?
“There’s nothing to say,” she answered neutrally.
“Nothing?” he asked, his tone reeking of disbelief.
After years of compartmentalizing her emotions, it was easy to fall back in the pattern. With cold detachment she shrugged and steadily met his gaze. “Can we go?”
He scrutinized her for a breathless moment, his eyes delving into hers. She kept her defenses strong, refusing to crumble. Finally, with a blank face, he dropped his arms and stepped back. Without a word, he turned and headed back to the trail.
Relief flooded her body, but there was a tiny undercurrent of disappointment swirling beneath. It was stupid, but a part of her wished he hadn’t given in so easily. She wanted him to fight—for what, she didn’t know—but she wanted him to do something, not just walk away.
For the next hour, she silently trudged behind him. Her mind was hub of activity. Questions and theories darted around in chaos till she was positive she would explode. Several times, her mouth opened to ask him a question, but nothing ever came out. She kept telling herself it was because she was too angry to speak, but deep down, she knew the truth. She was terrified of the answers he might give.
What if it was all an illusion? What if he only liked her because of her father? It would shatter her perception of him and their budding relationship. Maybe it was foolish to not ask, but she didn’t care. She wanted a few more hours of ignorance.
The trail turned steep as it winded up the mountain. They walked along huge angular slabs of granite and stone. Loose boulders and jagged rocks covered the area. They sat hazardously on top of each other, looking like an ill-fitted puzzle. It gave the impression that one giant earthquake could send it all tumbling down.
Her feet and knees took a beating as she hiked across the rugged terrain. She stopped a couple of times to rub her joints and flex her ankles, but the reprieve did little to dull the constant throbbing. She relied heavily on her hiking poles, letting the thin steel rods take the brunt of her body weight.
As they gained elevation, her breathing turned shallow. The air was thin and her body was working hard to acquire enough oxygen. Graham noticed her struggle and slowed the pace down considerably.
“Let’s take a break,” he said after hiking through a tricky section of the trail.
She nodded, too tired to speak. Her lungs were on fire. She placed her hands on her thighs and bent over, panting for air. When her breathing turned normal, she leaned against a boulder and gulped down water.
“You’re doing great, Alexis. Just keep hiking like you’ve been and we’ll be at the summit before you know it.”
The pride and encouragement in his voice was sandpaper against her tender emotions. She closed her eyes to stave off the pain. A part of her resented how at ease he seemed with the situation. There was no trace of discomfort or remorse in his expression. Needing him to feel her pain, she lashed out.
“Is that the same thing you said to your friend who almost died?”
Immediately, she regretted the question as his body went motionless. He stood like a statue with his arm lifted and a water bottle hovering over his lips. The only indication he was alive was the visible pulsing in his neck.
“I-I’m sorry,” she stuttered, “I shouldn’t have—”
Suddenly, he was towering over her with his arms braced against the boulder above her head. The muscles stood out in sharp relief as he leaned down so his face was only an inch away. Raw pain darkened his eyes.
“I understand why you are upset,” he said in a low, tight voice, “but if you have questions about your father and how I know him, then ask me. Don’t pull away and attack.”
She flinched at the fury simmering beneath the surface. It radiated off of him in great waves. Too late, she realized she made her own betrayal. He’d opened himself up to her and she used it as a weapon to hurt him.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered with genuine regret.
He gave a jerky nod and stepped back. “Are you ready to talk about it?”
“Here?” she squeaked, cold terror striking her heart. Mentally, she wasn’t prepared for this. She was hoping to put it off till they finished the hike and had a hot meal in their bellies.
The harsh edges of his anger dimmed as he witnessed her panic. His eyes gentled as he took off his pack and rested it against a rock. “I’ll tell you everything. What do you want to know?”
Resigned, she rubbed the bridge of her nose with her index finger. Where to even start? There were so many questions. “How long did you know him?”
“Six years. We met through mutual friends. Occasionally, we would hike and rock climb together.” His tone was composed and even as he picked up a small rock and heaved it across the trail. “We weren’t close, but we hung out in the same circles.”
“Did you know who I was from the beginning?”
His tan skin pulled taunt over his cheekbones as he nodded. “When Sam found out he was dying, he asked if I would be your hiking guide. I’m the one who arranged to have everything ready for you.”
She sucked her bottom lip between her teeth as her eyebrows furrowed. “Why you?”
He sent her a sideways glance. “He talked a lot about you. He would tell us stories of when you were little, like the time you beat up the boy who ruined your dress or the time you refused to come out of the tree till you got your way.”
The corner of his mouth lifted into a crooked smile. “You sounded so intriguing. Whenever he opened his mouth to speak, I found myself hoping it would be about you. One day, he pulled a picture out of his wallet. It was your college graduation photo. You looked so beautiful. I couldn’t stop staring.”
Alexis remembered that picture. Everyone said she looked exactly like her mother in it—the same heart-shaped face, button nose and full lips. The only difference between them was their coloring. While her mother was fair skinned with honey blonde hair, Alexis was exactly the opposite. She took after her father with olive skin and sleek ebony hair.
“Sam noticed my interest and began to tell me more about you. He said you acted tough, but it was all a façade to protect yourself. You don’t let many people in, but when you do, you don’t hold anything back.” Graham looked down at his hands. His forehead creased as he nervously tapped the ends of his fingertips together.
“He said the man you chose to marry would be a lucky son of a gun. He would never question or doubt your fidelity like so many people these days because your love is strong and true. He also said the man would need to take care—protect and cherish your heart because when you felt, you felt deep.” He paused and wetted his lips. “When he asked me to be your guide, I jumped at the chance. I wanted the opportunity to spend time with you.”
“So this was an elaborate matchmaking plan by my father?” she asked in a stunned voice.
He shook his head vehemently. “He wanted you to take this trip with or without me. He just knew I was interested and offered me the chance.” He looked at her, his eyes warm and arresting as ever. “I don’t regret it. I’m not going to apologize for wanting to get to know you.”
An astonished huff left her lips at his declaration. “Were you ever planning on telling me the truth?”
“Eventually.”
His one word answer sparked her temper. “You were manipulating me,” she accused. Her blood began to pump furiously as she thought about how much time they spent together. Hours of conversation and he never indicated he knew her dad.
“No, I was giving us time,” he said calmly.
“Time to what—fall in love?” she asked sarcastically, throwing him a disgusted look. “It doesn’t work like that, Graham. Love is built on trust.”
“Would you have talked to me if you knew? Opened up about your life?”
She lifted her chin. “Of course.”
“Now who’s the one lying?” The mild look on his face belied the growing anger in his voice. “You are so blinded by your feelings toward your father that you can’t see what’s right in front of you.”
“And what’s that?” she spat.
Icy silence hummed through the air. Every nerve in her body stood at attention as his eyes coolly assessed her. “If you don’t know the answer by now,” he said slowly, fury threading his voice, “then you never will.”
He turned his back to her as he picked up his pack and put it back on. By the time he faced her again, all anger was wiped clean from his expression. “Do you want to take the lead?” he asked politely.
The propriety in his voice made her bristle, but she didn’t let it show. She would not give him the satisfaction. Gracefully, she swept past him and started hiking the trail.
****
She bit out a curse as she stumbled for the sixth time. Her feet were having an ongoing battle with the mountain and they were not winning. Patches of snow and ice covered the trail making it hard to navigate. The summit was only two miles away, but it might as well have been two thousand.
Behind her, she heard Graham’s steady breathing. He stopped asking if she needed help after refusing him the second time. Their conservations were short and civil. Neither brought up the elephant, or in this case, the mountain in the room and for that, she was grateful. She didn’t have the energy to spar with him. Her only focus was reaching the summit so she could go home and forget all about Graham Neelson.
A piercing wind whipped around her and she yanked the collar of her jacket snugly around her neck. Due to the high altitude, the wind was becoming more and more aggressive. Several times, she had to duck her head and close her eyes to keep them from watering. Even then, it didn’t stop the blustery weather from making them red and gritty. As another freezing wind hit her, she reminded herself that every step she took was another step closer to the summit.
Her feet came up short when the trail disappeared into a massive snow bank. It was at least six feet tall and eighteen feet wide. The trail dissected it straight down the middle, creating two thick walls of ice.
“It’s safe,” Graham said, sidling next to her. Even with his reassurance she hesitated to enter. The imposing formation looked dangerous. What if it caved in while she was inside? “I’ll go first,” he added.
“No! I can do it,” she said quickly. She would not allow herself to be weak in front of him. Squaring her shoulders, she advanced into the snow bank. The high walls blocked out the sun, creating dark shadows. Her eyes squinted as she maneuvered through the snow.
Suddenly, her right foot slipped on a patch of ice and she threw her hands out to steady herself. Unfortunately, the movement caused her hiking poles to get jammed in the snow bank and her body pitched forward. Shrieking, she fell onto the frozen ground.
“Alexis!” Graham yelled, running over to her.
She let out a muffled groan and rolled to her side. Her knees and hands stung from taking the brunt of the fall. Mountain: 1 Alexis: 0
“Are you hurt?” he asked, panic lacing his voice. His hands ran up and down her limbs checking for broken bones or wounds.
Pride compelled her to brush his hands away. She pushed herself into a sitting position and took inventory of her injuries. She turned her head to the side and rolled her shoulders. Everything seemed to be in working order. As she struggled to stand, Graham held out his hand, but she ignored it.
“Why won’t you let me help you?” he asked as he watched her flail about. The ends of his mouth turned down hinting at a frown. “I can make things easier so you don’t fall.”
“What are you going to do—carry me?”
“Not with that giant chip on your shoulder,” he clipped, his expression growing dark.
Her spine snapped back. “What is that supposed to mean?”
His amber eyes flared, turning into a fiery copper. “You know exactly what I’m talking about.”
Her hackles rose at his knowing tone. “I don’t have time for your games,” she said in a dismissive voice.
He growled in frustration. “Let me in, Alexis. You don’t have to do this alone. I’m here for you.”
“Correction. You’re here for my father.”
She made the mistake of meeting his eyes. They were so bright it scorched through her defenses. Her whole body burned as he left a searing mark on her heart, branding her as his. Trembling, she wretched her eyes away and let them fall to the icy snow.
“Listen to me, Alexis,” he said, his low, guttural tone betraying his emotions, “I am here. I am holding out my hand. All you have to do is grab it.”
Her head shook in denial. Panic gnawed at her stomach. “It’s not that easy.”
“Life, love—it’s a choice.”
She swallowed hard as the acrid taste of fear coated her mouth. “Love isn’t a choice. My mother didn’t choose to fall in love with my father.” She didn’t know who she was trying to convince more—Graham or herself.
“Your mother also didn’t choose to let him go,” he countered. “She never moved on with her life. She could have found happiness, but she chose to cling to your dad.”
“No,” she insisted, her voice cracking, “Love did that.”
His gaze sharpened at the sound. “Why are you so against the idea? You decided to view the thunderstorm in a different light. Why is this any different?”
She felt a sob catch in her throat as years of built up emotions detonated. “Because it means my father chose to abandon me! He chose to pick up and leave me! I can’t accept that! I won’t!”
Suddenly, she was twelve years old all over again, eagerly waiting for the phone call that would never come. To her horror, her face crumpled. Hot torrents of grief coursed down her face.
“H-He loved me. My d-dad loved m-me,” she repeated over and over in a broken voice. She wanted—no needed to believe that. A gut-wrenching sob tore out of her throat as strong arms banded around her. She buried her face in the hollow of his neck and wept for the little girl who just wanted her father’s love.
“Your dad made a lot of mistakes, but he loved you,” he murmured softly in her ear. His hands gently ran over her back, rubbing circles in a soothing motion. “Never doubt that.”
“T-Then why?” she cried, gasping for air. “Why did he leave?”
“I don’t have all the answers, but I do know he regretted his decision till the day he died. He hated himself for the way he treated you.”
“And that makes it okay? I’m just supposed to forgive and forget?”
He pulled back slightly. A tender look passed over his face. “I think you should try and heal,” he said, brushing away the salty tears that streaked her cheeks, “and crying is a good first step.”
She gave a muffled laugh. “Got that down pat. Now what?”
His arms released her as he stood up. “Well, that’s up to you. You can finish this hike and go back to living your life like before or….” he stretched out his arm and offered his hand, “…we can do this together and start something new. The choice is yours, Alexis. What will it be?”