Chapter 17 ― Zayn's confession
We were back from our day sightseeing Cardiff. We went to this wall where all these petitions asking for Torchwood were posted. I was going to tell my brother about that and show him the pictures I took. He was going to be green of envy.
Phebs threw herself to her bed whilst Belle went to the bathroom and I took my laptop. We were exhausted but we still had to go to the venue where the boys were performing and, personally, I needed something to bump me up so I thought about listen to some music. I pressed play to a random song and left it to run alone whilst I waited for Belle to come out of the bathroom.
I was lying on my bed and for a moment I allowed myself to think about Niall. I had forced myself to not think of him in the whole day, to forget about what he told me before leaving with Harry and all my feelings for him. I didn’t want to feel the way I did anymore, but I couldn’t help it, and it was so frustrating.
Suddenly, Trying Not To Love You by Nickelback started to play and I groaned. “Change that song!” I asked.
“What? Do you want me to change the song? But you like Nickelback and this song in particular,” Phebs commented impressed but I ignored her.
“Not today, not when I’m trying not to like Niall but I can’t help it because every time I see him I feel those stupid butterflies in my belly. Change it!” I asked again burying my face in my pillow, more frustrated than before.
“I still can’t believe that Niall doesn’t like you,” she mumbled standing up to change the song.
“Why not? It makes total sense. He’s a popstar who can have whoever he wants. Why would he want me? I’m no one!” I cried out disgusted with myself for my pity party, but screw everything! I was tired and moody.
“For many reasons, Alex,” she whispered and I just rolled my eyes and snorted. Soon Belle joined us and I could go to the bathroom, shower and then go to where the boys were already.
* * *
“Wife!” Louis screamed as he saw us walking into the dressing room. He ran towards us giving us hugs. “How was your day without me? Did you miss me?” he asked looking at me with his puppy eyes.
“Not a bit,” I replied with a big smile and he looked at me hurt. “It was great. I like Cardiff.” Belle and Phebs agreed with me as we walked to the sofa where Zayn and Harry were sitting. The other boys hugged us as well as we started to tell them the places where we went.
Unconsciously I looked for Niall’s eyes that were fixed on me the whole time. I wanted to stand up, go to him and ask him what he meant before, but I remained on the sofa with Harry next to me messing with my hair. He liked to separate the red locks from the others.
Paul came for them twenty minutes later saying it was time to prepare themselves before their performance. They said goodbye and followed the older man, but Zayn remained at the doorframe a bit longer, his eyes searching for mine. “Alex. I need to tell you something. Would you come with me a bit?” he asked and we looked at him a tad confused, but I rose to my feet and walked towards him. Together we made our way through the hall.
“C’mon, Zayn. Cheer up! You look so down,” I commented bumping softly against his shoulder.
“Alex,” he stopped suddenly. “I– I’m sorry. The other night when you told me you liked Niall, I wasn’t honest with you,” he blurted out without meeting my eyes.
My heart stopped for a second as my jaw hit the floor. Probably I just heard him wrong because I couldn’t understand why he would do something like that. “Zayn, what are you saying?”
“I’m saying that I’m sorry. I told you not to tell him because I was jealous. I didn’t want you and Niall to get together and I just talked without thinking of you. I was selfish and I know it hurt you and I’m sorry,” he repeated and I just stared at him blankly, not knowing what to think or reply. “Truth be told, I don’t know how Niall feels, he hasn’t told me anything about it and I should’ve told you this that day but I just couldn’t. When you told me that you liked him I just… I just. I’m sorry,” he finished. “I know I made you believe that Niall doesn’t like you when I don’t really know.”
I stood there, still frozen, forcing my mind to think of something to say or to even feel. I was in shock. Zayn lied to me. He made me believe something that hurt me, something that killed all my hopes when he wasn’t even sure. He was just jealous. And that meant that he had feelings for me, the kind of feelings I wanted Niall to have. I knew about Zayn’s but Niall’s still remained as a mystery.
“Zayn,” I mumbled still so confused. “You shouldn’t have–”
“I know and I’m sorry! I realised what I did was horrible when I saw the way you looked at me. I saw the pain in your eyes. Since then I just wanted to tell you the truth but you avoided me and the guilt was killing me. I’m so sorry, Alex. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
I could see the regret in his dark eyes; I could see the desperation in his features, begging me to forgive him. I wanted to be mad at him for having crushed all my hopes, for having helped break my heart when I was weaker; but I couldn’t, not when he was looking at me like that. Zayn was my friend and he didn’t mean to hurt me and at the end it didn’t make any difference because the most plausible option was that Niall didn’t like me anyway, that was why he hadn’t told Zayn about it.
“You did wrong. You should’ve told me the truth from the beginning. I know why you did it, and you have to know that I love you, but just like a friend,” I said trying to start for the easiest part, and that was my feelings for Zayn. That was the only thing I was clear on about the whole situation.
“I know. I know you like Niall,” he replied in a whisper. “I just wanna know you don’t hate me for what I did.”
“I don’t hate you,” I reassured him. “But I can’t say I’m not mad. For now go with the boys, I need to think about this.”
“I’m really sorry, Alex. I really am,” added Zayn one more time and I nodded. I knew he was sorry.
He smiled weakly and resumed his walk towards wherever the other boys were. I stood there, thinking, trying to understand what all this meant. Zayn didn’t know whether Niall felt the same way that I did or not. There was a slight possibility that maybe Niall liked me back and when I thought about it, my heart raced and those stupid butterflies in my stomach started to flutter once more. Again, I had hope but I was more afraid than ever because I already knew how much it’d hurt if he didn’t feel the same way, I didn’t want to go through the same situation twice.
For a second I hated Zayn for putting me in this situation, but then I realised it was my fault for being a coward in the first place. If I had gone to Niall instead of Zayn, this wouldn’t have happened, I wouldn’t be in risk of having my heart broken a second time. What Zayn did was the consequence of my own cowardice.
Even though, I still was a tad mad at Zayn for lying to me, but I was madder at myself for stupid and coward. Ha! And I thought of myself as a Dauntless! I was a total pussy. If I had to be angry with someone, it had to be me.
I walked back to the dressing room where the girls were waiting for me. “What happened?” Belle asked the moment she saw me getting into the room.
“Zayn told me that he didn’t know if Niall likes me or not, that he lied to me because he was jealous,” I told them in an absent tone. I was just still in shock.
“Pardon me?” Phebs blurted out blinking quickly several times.
I sat between them and grabbed my head in my hands, still confused, trying to know what I should do next. “Zayn told me he lied to me the other day.” I summarised for them.
“That means that Niall might like you back!” Belle exclaimed excited but I couldn’t join her in her happiness.
“Or that he doesn’t and my heart would break again, this time for real,” I counterattacked.
“Oh, please, stop being so pessimistic! I think Niall does like you back. It was obvious he fancied you before,” Phebs stated matter of act.
“Did. He fancied me. Things change, feelings change. Nothing would assure me he still feels the same way,” I complained.
“Then ask him! You can’t go to one of the boys again. You have to ask him and end this once and for all.” I looked at Belle, understanding her point of view, but it didn’t mean I agreed.
“I rather not talk about this anymore. My head is gonna explode if we do.” My friends nodded knowing that I needed a break to think about everything.
I was sure about two things. One: I really liked Niall. Two: I was terrified of him rejecting me. Besides, we were in this tour together, if I told him how I felt and he didn’t feel the same way, that would make everything really awkward for both of us.
But what happens if he likes you back? A voice in my head added and my heart skipped a beat, anxious at that possibility.
Yeah, it was a possibility, a very improbable one, but it was there, tempting me.
I shook my head and rose to my feet to head to the table with food. I needed a distraction and something that would calm me down. Food was the answer.
After a while, Paul came for us saying it was time, the concert was about to start. By then the only thing I knew for sure was that I wasn’t going to tell Niall how I felt about him. I wasn’t going to take the risk of getting my heart broken again. Plus, I didn’t want to lose him as a friend. I rather have him as a friend that not have him at all. Eventually, I was going to forget about him, it was going to be difficult, but it couldn’t be impossible. I already started trying to get over him, I wasn’t going to stop now.
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Don't get mad at Alex!! She's just scared. I swear this is not gonna last long. Wait till the next chapter (which I love).