Jacob's P.O.V.
"Winston, I feel like I'm going to throw up" I whispered as I hid my face against Winston's neck. "I'm so scared".
"Why?" Winston asked as he wrapped his arms around me so he could comfort me.
"I'm scared to see their reaction..." I confessed, "what if they're upset with me?"
"I don't think they would be, but if for some reason they are, then I will be right here, understand? I will be right here next to you".
I nodded a little and pulled away so I could remove my face from his neck. I moved towards the window of the room.
"I've been meaning to ask if you've been feeling better? Are you still sore?"
I shook my head, "not as much as I used to be. I felt absolutely terrible when I woke up the next day after I had my seizure. My body was aching so bad, but it doesn't anymore".
"That's good, I was worried about you, you know? Usually you bounce back from a seizure pretty fast, but not this time. You were completely out of it for a while".
"It's because I wasn't taking my meds..."
"Yeah, I'm aware now" Winston replied, "but you've been taking them again, right? Your antidepressant and your anti-seizure medicine?"
I nodded, "I have".
"Good, that's good..."
I could tell Winston had something more to say, he just wasn't too sure if he should say it or not. I opened my mouth to speak, but Winston decided to just go ahead and say what he wanted to say.
"Why didn't you tell me that you stopped taking your medicine?"
"Because I knew that if I told you, you would just force me to start taking them again".
"Why did you stop in the first place? I thought everything was going good..."
"It wasn't, I felt like I deserved to feel the same way Axel did, so that's why I stopped taking my meds" I answered honestly. "I know it sounds dumb, but it made sense to me".
"I... I guess it does" Winston hesitated before sighing, "I can't believe I had another chance of losing you and I knew nothing about it".
"Don't blame yourself or feel like you should've known. I didn't tell you anything, I lied to you whenever you asked me if I was feeling okay".
"Now I don't know if I can believe you when you say that you took your medicine today".
I shrugged my shoulders, "you can check, I just got new bottles the other day. My prescriptions take me through the whole month. There should be twenty nine more pills in each bottle".
I know Winston probably didn't want to count out twenty nine pills in two prescription bottles, but if he did want to, then he could. I wouldn't be offended or anything, I know that I most likely have to build up trust with him again.
"Do you want to?" I asked.
Winston hesitated for a second time, "yeah".
"Okay".
I grabbed two napkins from my nightstand and placed them on my bed. I picked up one of my prescription bottles and took the top off before proceeding to dump the pills onto the napkin. I did the same with the second pill bottle. I sat and watched Winston count both piles of pills.
"I just don't want to lose you" Winston whispered after he finished counting.
"I know" I replied, refilling the bottles. "You love me and you just want me to be okay".
Winston nodded his head a little, "I do".
My phone vibrated from where it was resting on the nightstand. I picked it up and looked at the screen. I had received a text message from Chresanto, which wasn't very surprising because I was expecting one from him.
Chresanto: I'm here.
"Chresanto is here..." I said, nervously biting my lip subconsciously.
Winston patted my thigh, "it'll be okay".
We both stood up and before we left my room, I picked up Axel's journal and took it with me. Chresanto was standing on the porch when I opened the front door. He looked up from his phone and offered me a weak smile.
"Are you as nervous as I am?" I asked quietly.
He nodded, "I'm not ready for your parents to hate me".
I opened my mouth to tell Chresanto that there was no way that my parents were going to hate him, but I didn't say anything. I wasn't so sure that they weren't going to hold some sort of animosity towards Chresanto.
"Come in" I stepped to the side and Chresanto walked into the house.
"Where are they?"
"They're in the kitchen... I thought that would be the best place to... Talk".
"Around the knives and stuff?"
"They aren't going to kill you, Chresanto".
He gave me a wary look to which I raised an eyebrow. "Do you really think my mother or father would try to stab you? You can take both of them pretty easily anyway. All you should be worried about is the things they're going to say to you".
Winston placed his hand on my back, "do you think I should just wait in the living room or up in your room instead?"
"I want you there, Winnie" I whispered, "you don't want to be there?"
"It's not that I don't want to be there, it's just that I don't want anyone to feel like I'm imposing. This is something that's between your parents, you, and Chresanto".
"I know, but I would really appreciate it if you were there..."
"Then I will be" Winston took my hand in his.
I smiled a little, "thank you".
Winston checked the time, "I suppose your parents are waiting, are you guys both ready?"
"Ready as I'll ever be" I muttered, Chresanto doing the same. We both looked at each other and even though the situation really wasn't humorous, I still smiled a little.
My dad was already sitting at the kitchen table when Winston, Chresanto, and I walked in. My mom was standing up, leaning against the island with what I assumed was a cup of tea. She smiled at the three of us and I felt a twinge of sadness because I knew she wasn't going to be smiling a few minutes from now.
"Chresanto, dear, hello" she greeted, "Jacob said you were coming over, how are you?"
"I'm okay..." Chresanto answered quietly, "how are you?"
"I'm well, love" my mom looked at him for a moment, "not that I don't enjoy your company, but what brings you here? I haven't seen you a while".
"We, um... I mean, Chresanto and I actually have something we need to talk to you and dad about" I admitted, "that's why he's here, and Winston is just here for emotional support..."
"Emotional support?" My dad repeated, his voice giving away how confused he was.
"Mhm" I hummed, "I'm gonna need it".
"Well now I'm starting to get worried, I would ask if you're pregnant but considering your anatomy..." My dad trailed off before raising an eyebrow, "you don't have an STI... Do you?"
"What? No" I shook my head, laughing a bit in disbelief, "dad, I don't have an STI".
"I was just making sure" he replied before looking towards my mom. "You don't know what's going on at all?"
"Not a clue" my mom answered, "what do you guys have to tell us?"
"Let's sit down first" I stated, walking to the table and sitting down in a chair. Winston sat down on my right and Chresanto sat down on my left. My mom walked to the other side of the table and sat down beside my dad. They both looked at me expectantly and I took a deep breath in and slowly let it out. I jumped slightly in surprise when I felt a hand on my right thigh, Winston gave me a gentle pat. I placed Axel's journal onto the table and stared at it for a moment before speaking.
"Before I start, I just want you to know that the only reason why I was holding onto all of this information is because I wanted to tell you when I thought it was right. I wanted to tell you everything when I felt like you were both ready for it... I understand if you decide to be angry with me or you like... Hate me..."
"We could never hate you" my mom shook her head, "never".
I smiled weakly before clearing my throat, "so, um... Chresanto and I have to tell you something, I'll go first. As you both know, Axel was not around much because he was always with his boyfriend. We all wondered who Axel was dating and why he never bothered to at least introduce the guy to us. We figured that we would never know who the person was who took up so much of Axel's time, well... A few months ago, I found out who that person was".
My mom and dad were both staring at me with so much confusion. I know they were wondering why I was going on about Axel's boyfriend. I had the urge to just shake my head and tell them never mind, to just forget about it. I wanted to lie and say that I actually had no idea what the fuck I was talking about and to tell them not to worry about it. I knew I couldn't do that though, I was already too far in and I couldn't keep the information from them any longer. They had a right to know about the things regarding their son.
"Jacob, we don't... We don't understand what you're trying to get at..." My dad spoke, "what does this have to do with Chresanto?"
My mom turned her head to look at Chresanto, she stared at him for a long moment before it happened. I could see the exact moment it seemed to click in her mind why Chresanto August was in her home, why he was sitting across from her at the table.
"Chresanto is the person who Axel dated" I said, feeling the lump forming in my throat as I watched my mom's eyes begin to tear up. My dad's reaction wasn't any better, he looked at Chresanto, his lips parting slightly before they turned down in a small frown.
I watched my mom abruptly stand up and begin to walk out of the kitchen, "mom".
"I need a minute" she spoke, her voice giving away how close she was to breaking down into tears. I felt my own eyes begin to water and I didn't say anything as my dad stood up and followed her out of the kitchen.
"I don't want to do this anymore" I croaked, sniffling.
"It'll be okay" Winston reassured, "I promise, alright?"
I used the sleeve of my shirt to wipe at my eyes, I glanced at Chresanto to find he had placed his head in the palms of his hands. I hesitantly reached out and touched his shoulder, "are you okay?"
It took him a moment to respond to me, but he eventually cleared his throat and spoke, "I never wanted to hurt them, that wasn't my intention".
"I know" I replied truthfully, because it was true. I know that Chresanto had no intention of hurting my parents. He didn't do anything on purpose, this was just how things ended up.
My parents both returned to their places at the kitchen table after about thirty minutes. I didn't comment on how long it took them to return because I understood.
"Do you, um... Do you have any pictures of Axel?" My dad asked quietly, looking at Chresanto with a little bit of hope in his eyes.
Chresanto nodded his head and pulled out his phone, he unlocked it and went to the photo album labeled 'Axel'. He slid his phone across the table and my mom picked it up. She covered her mouth with her hand and sniffled as more tears left her eyes. She glanced at my dad, "that's our baby".
My dad nodded a little and tried to blink away his tears, but it only caused them to fall and wet his cheeks. He hummed softly before kissing my mom's forehead, "yeah".
"Why didn't you ever introduce yourself to us? When you were dating Axel, I mean" my mom asked as she continued to look through pictures with my dad.
"I..." Chresanto hesitated, "Axel never wanted me to... So I didn't".
"Why didn't he want you to?"
"He just said that he didn't think you guys would like me very much, so I took his word for it and never tried to pester him about it".
"We would've liked you..."
When both of my parents were finished looking at the pictures, they returned Chresanto's phone.
"I had so many questions for you, you know?" My mom asked, "we both did, we had this long list of questions that we were prepared to ask you if we ever found out who was the boy that took up so much of our baby's time. We were going to ask you about why you kept him away from us, why you felt like you had the right to keep Axel to yourself, why you were so selfish..."
Out of the corner of my eye, I could see the effect that my mom's words had on Chresanto. I noticed the way his body tensed up for a second or two before his shoulders dropped some and this look of hurt briefly flashed across his face before it was gone just as quickly as it came. Chresanto wasn't selfish, he was only doing what my brother wanted him to do.
Axel had wanted Chresanto to stay away from his family and that's exactly what Chresanto did.
I blindly reached over and searched for Chresanto's hand, once I found it, I intertwined my fingers and gave his hand a soft squeeze. I could see him relax some which was good. I know that I needed to be there for him, even through all of the shit that we've been through, I still needed to be there for him. Winston was there for me, my parents were there for each other, it wouldn't be right if Chresanto was on his own.
"Chresanto isn't selfish" I spoke, "he was only listening to what Axel was telling him to do. Axel was the one who kept himself and Chresanto away from the family. We can't blame Chresanto for spending so much time with Axel when that's exactly what Axel wanted him to do".
My mom nodded, "I realize that now, we can't be mad at you for what you did, we can't be mad at you for listening to Axel. I do know that we can be upset with you for waiting so long to tell us... We've known you for a while, Chresanto, we've interacted with you many times... Why didn't you tell us who you were?"
"I was scared... And nervous" Chresanto answered, "I felt the same way when it came to telling Jacob the truth too".
"You didn't come to the funeral" my dad suddenly spoke, "if you and Axel were so in love, which obviously you were because you both were always with one another, then why weren't you at his funeral?"
"I couldn't go" Chresanto confessed, "I was so in love with Axel, he made me so happy. I couldn't physically make myself get out of bed and go to his funeral. I knew he was having one because I had gotten word about it, but I just... I didn't want to see him like that, I didn't want to see him laying dead in a casket, so that's why I didn't go to his funeral".
"Did you date Jacob because he looked like his brother?"
Chresanto nodded his head a little, "yes... Axel never told me he had an identical twin brother. I saw Jacob one night and I was so confused because who was this guy who looked exactly like my dead boyfriend? Jacob and I continued to bump into each other after our first encounter and we began to talk more. Jacob looked like Axel, he looked exactly like the boy who I was so deeply in love with. I saw Jacob as my second chance, I saw the opportunity so I took it. As our relationship went on though, it eventually ended up not being just about Axel anymore. I did fall in love with Jacob for who he was, there's no doubt about that".
It was quiet for a moment as my parents tried to wrap their heads around everything.
"Do you know..." My mom trailed off so she could maintain her composure, "do you know who murdered Axel?"
Chresanto opened his mouth to speak, but I beat him to it. I picked up Axel's journal and spoke, "that's actually a question that this journal can answer".
"How?" My dad asked.
"While Winston and I were looking around Axel's room, Winston found this journal. This journal belonged to Axel, it's his... He wrote so many things in it. I've read every single thing that's written in here and you gu-" "Oh my god" my mom cut me off, "Jacob, why did you keep this from us? This is evidence! The police... T-They could... They could reopen Axel's case, we could get the answers that we've been looking for. We have to go down to the station right no-" "mom, no, please" I begged, trying to ignore the tears that were wetting my cheeks. It hurt so much to see her so happy that I had evidence for Axel's case and to know that I was about to ruin her happiness in the span of mere seconds.
"Let me talk, let me explain to why you can't turn this journal in as evidence to help find Axel's murderer, please" I wiped at my eyes and tried to calm myself down some.
I didn't want to tell my parents the truth, but what the hell else was I supposed to tell them?
"Axel wasn't murdered... He committed suicide, Axel killed himself".
My parents both looked at me with wide and surprised eyes. I saw both of their faces crumble as they processed the information I had just told them.
"What?"
"I'm so sorry" I apologized.
I opened Axel's journal to the page where he talked about how the bed sheet didn't work as a good noose. I showed them both the page and began to explain.
"Do you guys remember when Axel had a real nasty bruise around his neck? And how we couldn't figure out how he had truly gotten it because he wouldn't tell us? He used a bed sheet to make a noose and he tried to hang himself, it didn't work. I tried it out myself and the outline of the bed sheet was the exact same as his bruise. The bruise that we all saw was Axel's failed suicide attempt" I informed. I flipped back a few pages.
"Axel had began to feel down, he wrote that he didn't really feel like himself anymore. He talked about how he was tired lately and never quite felt like doing anything anymore. Axel was depressed and we never knew it". I flipped to the last page that Axel had written on, "'I'm going to try again and I know this time things will work out because bullets usually always do'" I read.
I closed my eyes when my mom sobbed softly, "Axel killed himself, he wasn't murdered" I whispered.
I opened my eyes and watched as my dad gently comforted my mom. I could tell the news was hitting him hard, but he had to be strong for my mom at the moment. He held her close to him and murmured quietly into her ear. I couldn't hear what he was saying, but I knew that it was something that was only meant for her ears to hear.
"How did Axel get his hands on a gun?" My dad asked quietly, "and where did it go? It wasn't in the room with him when you found him".
I looked at Chresanto and he actually whimpered. I could tell how upset he was, this must've been the first time he was actually recounting everything that happened when it came to Axel's death. Talking about his boyfriend's suicide was reopening old wounds and he wasn't ready for it.
"I had a gun, I recently got rid of it, but I had one. Axel knew that I had it for protection... That's how he got his hands on a gun, it was my gun that killed Axel... It's all my fault, I killed him".
Chresanto's words made me want to pull him closer to me and tell him that it wasn't true. I now understood why Chresanto loomed over me on the football field and hinted towards him possibly being the person who killed my brother. Ray helped me in realizing why Chresanto said what he did. It was one day where I was speaking to Ray about what I had learned about Axel when he said 'Chresanto didn't kill your brother... But he feels like he did'.
"Where did the gun go?" My dad pressed gently.
"I took it" Chresanto cried, "Jacob wasn't the first person to find Axel dead, I was. I climbed up the trellis because that's usually how Axel would sneak me into his room. I came to the house because I had noticed that my gun was gone, I went to see if he had it or if he knew where it was. I climbed up the trellis and into his room because the window was unlocked... I... There was so much blood, I didn't know what to do. I panicked, I grabbed my gun and I just... I left. It was a fucking dumb thing to do but I was so damn scared and I'm so sorry that I left your son laying dead on the floor and that I killed him".
Chresanto was full on sobbing at this point and I watched as he pushed himself away from the table and left the kitchen. I looked to my parents and noticed they both were crying too and in that moment, I didn't know what to do. I didn't know who to check on.
Do I check on my ex-boyfriend who was distraught over the death of his boyfriend? Or do I check on my parents who were crying over the knowledge that their son committed suicide?
"Winnie" I whimpered, I looked to him for guidance because I couldn't find it anywhere else. "What do I do? I don't... I don't know what to do, h-help me, please".
"Shh" he whispered, he reached up and wiped at my cheeks, "listen to me, okay? You are okay, you are going to continue to be okay. Go find Chresanto, he needs you. Your parents have each other, he doesn't have anyone. Go find him".
I blinked and processed what he told me before nodding my head, "okay".
It wasn't very hard for me to locate Chresanto, I could hear his car starting from where I stood in the living room. I was lucky enough to get to him before he could actually drive away.
"You're leaving without saying goodbye?" I asked to try and lighten the mood.
"I don't think your parents want me in their home anymore" Chresanto deadpanned. "I doubt they want their son's murderer underneath the same roof as them".
"You didn't kill him" I shook my head a little, "Chres, I need you to understand that you didn't kill Axel".
"But I did" Chresanto sighed, "I should've done a better job of keeping up with my gun. I shouldn't have let Axel get his hands on it so easily... It's my fault that he killed himself because it was my gun that killed him. The same exact thing almost happened to you..."
"Can you please get out of the car and come back inside?"
"Jacob, I think I should just go home. I came over here to do what needed to be done. Your parents know everything now and there isn't a reason for me to be here anymore".
"I want you here" I stated, "is that a good enough reason?"
Chresanto stared at me, "I don't want to go back inside, not right now".
"Okay, we don't have to. We can sit on the porch? I just don't want you to go".
Chresanto turned off the car and pulled the key from the ignition. I took a step back and let him open the car door so he could easily get out. We sat down together on the porch and Chresanto wiped at his eyes.
"You didn't kill Axel, Chresanto" I stated, I held up my hand when I saw that Chresanto was going to protest. "You didn't kill him. Axel would've found another way to kill himself, it hurts to think about it, but it's true. If it wasn't a bullet, then it was going to be pills, or cutting his wrists. Axel would've found a way".
"That may be true, but I just can't see it that way" Chresanto whispered. "I can't forgive myself for letting my gun end up in someone else's hands, and I can't... I can't forgive myself for leaving him either..."
Chresanto sniffled and I reached out and held his hand.
"I left Axel laying dead on the floor... I left the boy that I was so in love with in a puddle of his own blood. That is something that is going to stay with me and haunt me for the rest of my life".
"I... Chres, you panicked" I murmured, "I would've done the same thing. I would've panicked and did something that I shouldn't have done too".
It was quiet for a moment as Chresanto tried to collect his thoughts. He eventually shook his head a little, "what if I could've saved him? Bullets don't always... They don't always work. I know the chance is so slim, but Axel could've been lucky. I'll never know if leaving him there was the reason why he died".
"It wasn't" I replied sadly, "the coroner explained to my parents and I that Axel's death was immediate. He didn't feel a thing, he was dead before he hit the floor... You leaving him there wasn't the reason why he did. The reason why he died was because he took a bullet to the head and he took it at the right angle. There was nothing anyone could've done to save him".
"I still left him" Chresanto croaked, "I still left him all alone. I knew something was up, I saw the way he began to change, but I tried not to think too much about it. I ignored all of the warning signs of his depression".
"In his journal, Axel wrote that you tried to cheer him up".
"Trying to cheer someone up isn't the proper way to acknowledge a person's depression. I should've reached out for help, I should've gotten Axel help, but I didn't. I just let him struggle through his mental illness until he couldn't handle it anymore".
Chresanto sniffled and I looked at him with pleading eyes.
"I took him for granted, I loved Axel so much and I took him for granted. I doubt he felt the same way about me..."
"Axel loved you" I said as I stood up, I moved so I was standing in front of Chresanto who was still sitting down. "Axel was in love with you. The boy was fucking crazy about you. He wrote so many good things about you in his journal. He talked about the first date you both went on, and how you went stargazing with him. He described how he kissed you in your car and you locked him in and proceeded to kiss him back. Axel wrote about how you were really the only thing that made him want to get out of bed in the mornings. He talked about how you really lightened up his mood sometimes and how you would take his mind off of his depression without even realizing you were doing it. Axel wrote down that he was so in love with you that it damn near scared him. He'd never felt that way about anyone before, that's why it scared him so bad, but he was glad that it was you who he fell in love with".
Chresanto was crying again, which was okay. It was okay for him to cry, I didn't mind it at all because I understood. I let him rest his head against my stomach since I was still standing in front of him. My hands came up and I placed my left on Chresanto's back while the other gently ran through his hair.
The front door opened a bit, and Chresanto must've really been in his own head because he didn't move. Winston must've been looking for us because he poked his head out of the house and smiled a bit when he made eye contact with me. The next thing he did was look over the position that Chresanto and I were in. It wasn't a really intimate position, but it wasn't very platonic either.
I stared at Winston and wondered what he was thinking.
"We'll talk later" he simply mouthed before moving back into the house and closing the door.
I stared at where he once was before humming softly in acknowledgment when Chresanto mumbled my name.
"I'm sorry" he apologized, "I'm sorry for the way I've treated you and the things that I've said and done to you".
"It's okay".
"No, it's not. I've really hurt you at times, Jacob".
"And I've done the exact same thing to you, Chresanto. You can't take all of the blame and pretend like I haven't hurt you too. I'm sorry for the things that I've said and done to you as well".
Chresanto mumbled something but I didn't catch it at all.
"What did you say?"
"I don't want to lose you, I've lost Axel and I can't... I can't lose you too. Axel was my first love, but Jacob you were my second. I'm not asking to get back together because I know that it's best if we don't. You have Winston and he's really good for you, better than me. I know that things are different now, but I still want you around".
"Okay, so you still want to be friends?"
"Please, unless you're still mad at me then I guess I understand if you don't want to..."
"I'm not mad at you anymore, Chresanto. I think I stopped being mad a while ago, it just took me some time to realize it. I understand why you did the things that you did, I'm no longer mad at the decisions that you've made. We can be friends, I'd actually really like it if we were, Chres".
"Okay" Chresanto sounded relieved.
"Do you want to go back inside now?"
I sighed when I received a wary look.
"Come on" I stepped back and pulled him into standing up.
I wasn't expecting my parents to both be sitting in the living room, but they were. They didn't notice Chresanto and I because they were too focused on looking through Axel's journal. I stared at them and briefly wondered how all of this was going to effect my dad's depression.
I cleared my throat, "Chresanto is going to stay for a bit, is that alright?"
My parents looked at Chresanto and I could see him shift uncomfortably out of the corner of my eye.
My mom nodded her head a little, but she didn't speak. I could tell she wanted to say something, so I waited.
"Chresanto, dear" she said, her voice soft. Chresanto stiffened and prepared himself for whatever hurtful words he believed that my mother was going to throw at him. "You're still always welcome here".
It was quiet for a moment as Chresanto looked at my mom and dad in disbelief. "Really?"
"Yes, although we're disappointed in the news that we've been given, we're not mad at you. We most certainly don't hate you, so you're still always welcome".
"I..." Chresanto hesitated before sighing, "thank you".