ERIC'S POV
—
ONE DAY LATER
MY son was gone. He really was gone. And for some reason—which I may have been right about—it felt like it was because of me.
From the beginning, I wanted nothing to do with Penelope's pregnancy. My initial reaction—or decision—was to terminate her pregnancy. I wanted make a decision that, in the long run, wouldn't affect me physically, emotionally, or even mentally, like it would Penelope.
I knew the science behind a pregnancy—the formation of a fetus, from start to end—but it meant more to Penelope. She was a smart girl, which I never credited her enough for. Penelope understood all the medical terms behind her pregnancy, but it was more than that to her.
She'd fallen in love with the unforeseen life growing inside of her.
I always thought she would've agreed in terminating the pregnancy, as I had suggested. We had clearly agreed on no children, but I always felt she'd begrudgingly agreed with me in the beginning. She must have always wanted kids, but decided against it when I was brought into her life—to marry her.
Penelope never wanted kids with someone that debauched her in so many ways from the start.
But a child is what we got. Even if it was for a few short weeks. I only wished it hadn't taken me what felt like an eternity to welcome the precious life—our son—Penelope carried. I should've seen the silver lining brought by something we hadn't planned.
James was the silver lining in our temperamental marriage.
Now, that was gone. We wouldn't welcome our son in a few short months. I wouldn't comprehend what having your own kid felt like. I wouldn't see what my own mother meant when she said how once my son was born, everything would change.
However, what I did understand, was my mothers empathy for what Penelope was going through. I came to find out exactly what my own mother's loss put her through. All because of the man who played a major role in the twisted ways he molded me, making me who I was now.
How I wished things were different. I wished for a childhood where my own father hadn't abused his family. And the reason I wished for that was because it meant Penelope wouldn't have been put through the malice I put her through.
I'd fallen in love with her, and I still loved her. But I failed to rightfully prove my love to her.
"Penny?"
Her head turned, looking over her shoulder and meeting my eyes. I brought my hand near her upper back, right in between her shoulder blades. She tensed for a quick second, and I immediately dropped my hand.
"Just a couple more minutes," she murmured, surprising me by reaching for my hand. "It's all I need right now, Eric."
"I know, sweetheart," I began, squeezing her hand gently. "I, uh, just wanted to tell you that I'm supposed to be leaving in ten minutes. .To Dauntless."
Penelope tugged at my hand, gently pulling me to her side. A frown quickly fell over her sweet face, her eyes shifting back over to the small headstone in front of us. I followed her gaze, reading the name I'd already read more times than I could keep track of.
James Agrippa.
"It's what we need to do," Penelope said, her voice just above a whisper. "It's what I need to do, Eric. For now. Or—" She stopped abruptly.
"What?" I asked quietly, looking over at her.
"Or until things are how they should've been a year ago. . .If that's even an option anymore."
As much as it pained me to admit, I knew exactly what Penelope meant. Us reconciling wasn't set in stone. There was so much we first needed to work through before even thinking a future was awaiting us. One where I wouldn't continue treating her how I'd done on plenty of occasions. If I ever wanted things to work out, then I needed to set myself straight, away from Penelope for the time being.
We needed to go our separate ways. Not permanently I hoped. Despite knowing how much I deserved for Penelope to leave me for good, I still wanted her by my side. I needed her there for me because after so many grueling months together, she stayed put. Despite every fucked up thing, Penelope continued having faith I would change for the better.
But the things she'd said to me the night of her miscarriage continued to come back.
"I'll understand," I murmured, squeezing her hand once again. "Whatever happens. .after today. .I'll understand why it happened."
Penelope sighed. "At this point, I really don't know what will happen, Eric. I just know we need to be alone—you in Dauntless while I stay here. Maybe we should've done that long ago."
She was right. I should've given her freedom I'd selfishly withheld from her.
"And when all of Chicago hears of what we're doing?" I asked her, finally getting her to meet my eyes.
"They don't have to know the extent of why we're doing what we're doing. We have every right to keep the details to ourselves." She paused for a quick second, faintly frowning. "Part of the reason we can give them is because of what happened."
"The baby," I mumbled, gritting my teeth afterwards.
"Yeah. . .I can't go back to that apartment and I don't think I can physically withstand being in Dauntless. For the time being, Amity will serve as my little safe haven."
"Because it's something I could never give you. Isn't that right?"
Penelope let go of my hand and turned, her smaller frame facing my larger one. Her delicate hands reached up, gently cupping my tense jaw. She shook her head, a sad smile forming across her rosy lips.
"No, Eric. Stop saying things like that. We're at a new turning point, whether we want to or not. It may seem like I'm abandoning you. .but I'm not. I'll still be there for you. Come down here when you can and if you can. Forgiving you isn't something I'm ready to do just yet, but I still wanna be there for you."
"And why would you wanna do that after all the shit I put you through?"
She shrugged. "I still haven't grasped the real reason why, but I can say one of the reasons why is because all these years, what you've been missing is for someone to be there for you. And—And after what happened—with the gun and your breakdown—I could never allow myself to turn my back on you."
I scoffed, tearing my gaze away from her glistening eyes. I wanted to pull away from her and leave her behind. My hands were balled up and I swore I must've been visibly shaking. And I didn't know if it was anger, distress, or a bunch of emotions I couldn't keep straight.
Or it could've been that I was still struggling to accept sincere solace. Especially from someone I put through hell and back. Someone I swore I loved but abused in so many ways.
"You gave me a child, Eric. You gave me the greatest thing ever, even if we never planned for it to happen. I—I carried your son."
But I took him away from her.
I shook my head again, a heavy frown making it's way across my face. Just like that night, I felt myself growing vulnerable. Penelope's touch and soft words put me in a position I hadn't yet grasped entirely. I was struggling more and more.
"I never meant for any of this to happen," I murmured. "Had I ever known we would've been brought together and how horribly I was going to treat you. .I would've made sure to keep you out of my life. We were never meant to be together, Penelope."
"But we've already been through so much, Eric. You and I, we have a lot that won't dissolve our relationship so easily. If there is hope, or if there isn't, we still need to—to discuss everything that went wrong. This time, I won't let either you or me push it all under the rug. It needs to be more than the easy way out this time. ."
"I wish none of this would've happened. I wish there was a way to take away all the things I did to you, Penelope," I confessed, leaning down and resting my forehead over hers.
Penelope sighed softly, her hands continuing to cup my jaw carefully. My own hands rested over her waist, slowly trailing to her back. I pulled her closer towards me, breaking her delicate hands free from my jaw. She quickly wrapped her arms across my shoulders, a sigh slipping through her lips again as she buried her face in the crook of my neck.
I wanted to keep holding her like that. I never wanted to let her go because it would only mean our time was up. By letting her go, the sour truth only became a reality we had to live through. Every little thing that happened in the last year would finally fall into place, painting me a picture of our plagued marriage.
"Eric," someone called for me.
Our time was up.
"I love you, sweetheart," I whispered, holding her closer than ever. "I love you so much, and I'm so sorry."
"I love you."
We pulled away, looking at each other one last time. Her brown eyes stared up at me with a torn look in them, unshed tears swimming in them. A brief smile formed over her lips and she leaned over, standing on her toes. Penelope planted a chaste kiss over my cheek, one hand resting over the other.
My hands wanted to reach for her and pulled her back, while I planted my lips over hers. But I didn't allow myself to do that. Instead, I pressed my lips to her forehead, relishing in the last few seconds we had together. Because I didn't know if I would see her again. Maybe right then, in front of the small grave of our only son, Penelope and I were saying goodbye forever.
We would be saying goodbye to a dark, black, twisted love that was able to have some beautiful moments. It wasn't always pure and perfect, but we were able to share some days where it was something out the imagination. She'd given me a love I'd never experienced before, and I just wished I'd accepted it from the beginning.
It could be goodbye to the black beauty that was our love.
—
FIN
Song suggestion by the lovely -psychoalien, thank you so much, love!