23) 'Being Told How To Celebrate Halloween By A Delinquent Who Doesn't Celebrate Halloween' And Other Situations That Happen To The Best Of Us
It wasn't hard to anger Thijmen, kind of. If you were an Emsworth, then this actually became easy. It's like they had some sort of dormant gene possessing the talent to annoy/aggravate/irritate him. On the good side, it was also easy to get him back on high spirits.
He got a D in French. "I'm actually impressed," said Thijmen who, of course, had B- (he forgot to check the back of the page).
Martin lurked around. Did Thijmen sigh, or was that Benjamin's imagination? "I got an A," he said, slapping his paper against Ben's inferior grade.
"Go away," grumbled Ben.
Pi got an A, too. The rest flunked. Ha.
The other subjects were, to Ben's relief, not as hard as French. It made him feel like he was entitled to be in this school not just because of the amount of money in his parents' bank account. Naturally, this accomplishment called for a celebration. Ben and his friends all agreed they deserved a party after all their hard work.
What better time to throw one than Halloween? Killing two birds with one stone, as they say. And frankly, they just wanted an excuse to dress up as their favorite video game characters, because vampires and mummies were highly overrated.
It wouldn't take long before Benjamin's friends began embarrassing him again, and he knew it, and they knew it, and Thijmen knew it, too, for which it was nothing short of a blessing when they called him to the principal's office around the time the squad assembled. In fact, he almost looked relieved at the chance to escape.
"Drugs," said Heston.
"Definitely drugs," said Messiah.
"Not drugs," clarified Benjamin, "he hates them."
"I heard weed is the national plant where he comes from."
See?
Heston tossed a booger to the side. "So," he began, "let's talk about important stuff now. When and how?"
"What."
"Party."
"Ohh," like the 'what', it came in unison. It's like they were closer and closer to becoming a hivemind with each passing day. The thought was terrifying. Presumably because he wasn't the only one thinking this, the squad was silent for a while. Never mind the rest of the class revising their exams and being Good, Promising Future Citizens while they planned on how to live la vida loca.
As if snapped out of a trance, Pi said, "Yours."
Heston scowled.
"You opened your mouth. Accept the consequences."
"YES!" screeched Martin, "I eat better shit there than anywhere else. Especially Benjamin's house."
Benjamin couldn't disagree.
As the argument went on (like Heston had any hope of saving himself), Benjamin limited himself to looking at the door. By now, pretty much everyone knew a) he was The Exchange Student b) he went to the principal's office regularly not because of anything illegal (probably) but because of the program itself. He wouldn't come back for a while.
"Benjamin?"
Oh well.
"Ben."
"No," he said.
Martin = no in general. "Are you bringing Thijmen?"
"No. No. Definitely not."
"My parents have a lot of drugs in their cabinets," Heston informed, "he could use those."
"I already said—what."
"Can you get high from antihistamines? My mom always looks a little cross-eyed when she takes them. Maybe we can get alcohol, too."
"Let's not get alcohol," said Pi, the Responsible One.
"As long as we have candy I am happy," said Benjamin, the Child.
To everyone's disappointment, Heston forgot to buy candy, which made Benjamin wonder if the boy was even sane, but then again, that was a question one could ask oneself every single day. They had to share the tiny bag of sour patches that he found under his bed. Nobody dared to look at the expiration date.
What was even worse was that everybody had done their best dressing up, going as far as to put on face paint, while Thijmen had come in everyday clothes. He hadn't even bothered to put in some fake pointy teeth or anything of the like.
Then there was the fact that he was there in the first place.
"You didn't have to come," Ben murmured to him.
"But I don't wanna miss out on the fun!"
"Where is your costume?" Heston asked.
"I uh... forgot."
Messiah's jaw was somewhere on the floor. "How do you forget your costume?"
"We don't really celebrate Halloween in the Netherlands."
Martin slapped the table. "Unacceptable!"
Thijmen shrugged.
"You should've, I don't know, at least tried. Even Heston looks decent today."
Given Heston was dressed as this vampire guy from a homoerotic anime Benjamin could just assume Martin had meant to be ironic. As for him, he was a dragonborn.
"Unlike Benjamin. Seriously, this is the third time you use that shit."
"Second," protested Benjamin, "I went with Dark Souls last year."
Messiah waved him off dismissively. "Same crap."
He was triggered. It wouldn't take long for the trick-or-treat part to begin. Heston's parents had the sad but fleeting hope they would throw an alcohol-and-hormones ridden party like any normal teenager out there, and so they'd only left candy for whatever little pest showed up. Once the sour patches gave everyone a perma-wrinkle, they'd probably eat those, anyway.
Anyway.
"So we're basically having a Halloween party with no candy," said Pi.
"And no bitches," said Martin.
"Except for Benjamin," said Heston, which made them snort (except for Benjamin), but it wasn't enough to liven up the generally bitter mood.
Thankfully, Thijmen spoke up. "Don't you guys normally go out to ask for candy?"
"Only children do that," snorted Martin.
Benjamin could only glare. Was he a child because he wanted to go trick-or-treating now?
Thanks, Martin.
"But you are children."
All eyes went to Thijmen. They were quite appalled, but it felt pointless to disagree with the Dutch, sitting there all grown-up in his normal clothes and tall figure and the lowest voice in human history. They werechildren, indeed.
And this party sucked. Big time.
Oblivious to their embarrassment—or not, since one could never really know with Thijmen—he stood up and said, "What are we waiting for? Let's go... what do you call it again?"
"Trick-or-treating."
"Yes, that. Trick or treat. In the Netherlands we always say 'candy or die'."
Messiah choked on his sour patch. "That's... morbid."
"We should say candy or die instead," said Heston. "Maybe we'll get more."
With this wonderful plan, the squad got up and started looking for bags to put their candy in, and Heston looked for something for Thijmen to put on to make him look scarier. As if he didn't look scary enough already. If only he actually did have that knife...
But Benjamin had a better idea.
"Thijmen, you should swear in Dutch when they open the door, because you sound like a demon when you do that."
"He does?" asked Pi.
Thijmen's eyebrow went up about three miles. "Like... kut?"
They screamed.
"No, the other one."
"Godverdomme?"
"MAKE IT STOP!"
It was funny until Thijmen legitimately got annoyed, and so they stopped, with the minor but sweet victory of knowing he would indeed sound like a demon when the time came.
He shook his head and mumbled something demonic, which didn't sound all that nice, but since nobody knew whether it was or not, they decided it was time to go before all the residents of the neighborhood put away their candy and jumped into their four-poster beds with Egyptian cotton and body-absorbing mattresses.
Heston had finally managed to find a 'costume' and now Thijmen didn't just look like a shady European, but a shady European with a black cape that came to his knees instead of his ankles and an eye-patch.
What a pair they were. A Dragonborn and a half-blind... vampire?
"Here," said Heston and gave him a sword.
"What the actual shit is he supposed to be?" asked Pi (who was, predictably, that one Pi from that one movie), growing impatient.
"Can we just leave?" whined Martin.
They just left. Heston left a note saying theirs no candy for u kids lol. Coincidentally, there happened to be a wild teenage party a few houses away. It seemed like a more Thijmen-like place. For a moment, as they walked far away enough for the sound of the music to diminish, the notion of going out trick-or-treating with a bunch of other socially stupid guys + Thijmen when they could easily crash into the party and be normal for once ate at him, but then Messiah spoke out, "Holy shit, that woman is giving away Milky Ways," and the craving for unhealthy food overcame his teenage urges.
Granted, it would be embarrassing to be that one guy when most of his classmates were heading to said party. Should, not would.
They walked toward the lady.
"Thijmen, do your thing," reminded Martin.
But he wasn't that one guy. They were that one squad. And if he thought about it, most of his classmates actually messed up their names. If he had a dollar for every time someone called him Martin or Messiah, he'd afford Heston's house. Either way, it was futile to feel self-conscious at this point. A few feet away, an Asian Holden Caulfield chased after a Link. Three boys dressed up as the Powerpuff Girls.
Self-consciousness his ass.
By the time they arrived at the house of the Milky Way lady, the door was closed again, which gave them the perfect opportunity to scare the living daylights out of her with their newest weapon: Thijmen. Up until now, they'd never had such high chances of being the kids—no, teenagers with the most candy.
Pi pressed the doorbell, while Benjamin held his breath.
Martin jabbed his elbow into Thijmen's side and hissed, "Don't forget to talk."
The demon's eyes rolled.
When the door opened, he said, "Uw tuin is afschuwelijk lelijk."
The squad hoped this wonderful show of demonic behavior would make the lady coo something appreciative and give them her whole pack of Milky Ways. If anything, at least she would have the decency to look confused.
"Wel, allemachtig!" she screamed. "Hoop je daarmee soms wat te bereiken?! Rot eens even lekker een eind op, kutkinderen!"
Thijmen's eyes widened. "Shit."
As if they could all read each other's minds, the whole squad simultaneously started running. Benjamin's head was assaulted by a handful of Milky Ways and Heston dove to the ground to collect them with an insane giggle. Pi grabbed him by the collar and dragged him across the lawn, taking the grass with him, which only made the Milky Way lady screech even louder.
As they fled, Benjamin turned to his side, to apologize, only to find the very first instance of his boyfriend—it still felt odd to use that word—laughing not at, but with his friends.Thus, he just limited himself to grinning, a giddy little grin, because who wouldn't feel happy about both entities having their first bonding moment after months of harassing each other?
"Maybe Thijmen shouldn't speak Dutch to strangers anymore."
translations:
Uw tuin is afschuwelijk lelijk. = Your garden is horribly ugly.
Wel, allemachtig! Hoop je daarmee soms wat te bereiken?! Rot eens even lekker een eind op, kutkinderen! = Dear God almighty! Do you hope to accomplish something with that?! Why don't you piss off, fucking kids! (literally: c**t-children)