*Jack*
I was pissed drunk. The room was spinning and I couldn’t stand up straight. I had sworn to Alex, Marianne, and myself that I wasn’t going to drink so much anymore, but I failed yet again. I was so afraid of what might happen if I didn’t stop; the time I got so drunk I had to get my stomach pumped, I was told if I didn’t stop then I could easily become a full-fledged alcoholic. I knew I needed to stop, and it scared me.
Everyone was still mourning and frankly, it was kind of depressing. Marianne, Carly, and Holly were barely speaking and no one knew how to make things better. Rian had Cassadee with him while Alex and Zack were too head over heels for their girls. Don’t get me wrong, I was too but the temptation to go out was always there and I’m not strong enough on my own to stay away.
“Jack,” Marianne called softly. I turned quickly – too quickly – to see her in my double vision. I had to grab onto the chair next to me so I didn’t collapse right then and there. Fuck.
We were the only two in the room for some unknown reason and that only made things worse.
“Why?” she asked, her voice breaking along with a piece of my heart. I did it, I hurt her again.
“I don’t know,” I whispered, still trying to focus on one of her. “I’m sorry.”
“You’re always sorry. I’ve tried to help you over and over, and you promised me! You promised you wouldn’t let it happen again! And look who lied again,” she spat with tears streaming down her face.
“I’m trying, okay. Do you know how hard it is to be on the road constantly, to be surrounded by nothing but fake people? Do you go months without being home, without seeing your family? Do you get criticized for every little thing you do or say? Do you have lies made up about you and people you apparently sleep with? No. You don’t have any clue what it’s like to be in my shoes. No one does! I drink to escape it all; it makes me forget. I just want to forget.” Knowing I hurt her made me sober up a bit and I was surprised at the words pouring from my mouth.
“Jack, I-”
“Save it. I wouldn’t expect for you to understand and I’m just a bad person. I contaminate everyone around me and I don’t deserve to be happy. I already know this.” I was frustrated, still drunk enough to feel woozy, and making myself feel worse by the second.
“No you’re not, Jack. You’re not a bad person; in fact, you’re one of the best people I know! And you do deserve to be happy. What you don’t deserve is the shit that everyone gives you. Those bastards that have nothing better to do than make up stories about you need to check themselves. You’re sweet, funny, caring, and passionate. You notice things most others don’t, and you put up with so much shit. But you don’t stand up for yourself when you should and it’s not going to get any better if you don’t do anything to help yourself.” Marianne was still crying, and all I could do was stand there. I heard what she said but I wasn’t sober enough to understand it.
“Marianne, just go.” I said tiredly. All I wanted to do was sleep and she was making the headache that was forming even worse.
“No, I’m not leaving you.” She said, determined.
“Just leave! I don’t need you here, I don’t need anyone. I’ve always been fine on my own, why wouldn’t I be now?” I wasn’t even sure if I was making any sense.
“You’re not fine. You need someone; we all do. It may not be me that you need, but I’m not going anywhere. I’m sorry that I care so much about you that I’m not going to leave you alone to wallow in self-pity. Now go to bed.” Her tears had finally dried – no thanks to me, and she was becoming more confident by the second. And she cared about me. ME. I’d never had anyone except the band and my family to actually care. I felt like such a dick – all she wanted to do was make sure I was okay. She just wanted to take care of me. Care.
I finally nodded and slowly sank onto my bed and let her pull the blankets up over me. My drunken state was still wearing off and I was getting chills.
“Thank you,” I whispered.
“I’ll always be here, Jack. You don’t have to turn to alcohol all the time; you have me.” Marianne pushed my hair back off of my forehead and I shivered.
Except I don’t, were the only words to run through my head.
“You don’t what?” she asked with a confused look on her face.
That was supposed to be in my head.
“Well it wasn’t...”
“I did it again, didn’t I?” I asked, my eyelids getting heavier and heavier.
“Yeah, get some sleep. I’ll leave you alone for the night if you want.” She was too sweet for her own good. I didn’t want her to leave, I wanted her with me!
“No, stay. Please?” I asked, patting the spot next to me. It already smelled like her from her nights next to me in the past week and a half, but it wasn’t as good as having here there with me.
I felt the bed dip down next to me and her body warmth was soon under the cover with me. I pulled her to my chest and kissed her forehead before falling asleep without another word being said.
When I woke up the next morning, my head was pounding and there was a cold foot pressed against my leg. I peered down at the sleeping girl next to me and smiled before the previous night’s argument came rushing back into my head. I couldn’t believe I let all of that slip out. No one knew how fucked up I was until then. I’d always kept so many walls up to keep myself hidden but Marianne broke them down without even trying.
“Good morning, sleepy head.” She said tiredly, tightening her arms around my waist. She was so cute with her messy bed head and sleepy eyes.
“Good morning, beautiful.” I whispered so quietly that I was almost positive that I was the only one who heard it. “Thank you for last night.”
“You don’t have to thank me, Jack. Like I said, I’ll always be here whether you want me to or not.” Of course I wanted her to always be there. She was the only person who actually made me feel like I had meaning.
“You don’t know just how much you mean to me.” I pulled her closer to me and let myself enjoy the feeling of her head on my chest. It felt so right. Whatever that meant.
“Hopefully almost as much as you mean to me,” she answered, looking up at my face with still sleepy eyes. I couldn’t take it any longer, I had to give in.
I looked right in her eyes and leaned my face down to hers slowly, giving her plenty of time to escape. When she didn’t, I gently pressed my lips against hers. Her fingers were clutching my t-shirt tightly and I didn’t fail to notice the moment that she tried to pull me closer to her. I tilted my head and deepened the kiss a bit, still hesitant. She returned it and I could feel her heart beating just as rapidly as mine.
After a moment more, I pulled away and whispered “Wow.”
“Yeah, that was... wow.” Marianne agreed.
“I’m sorry if that was too forward or anything. It just felt right?” I wasn’t too sure of what I was trying to say and my still pounding head wasn’t making anything any easier.
“No, it definitely felt right. Don’t worry about it. How about we go for some coffee? I know it’ll help your head.”
I smiled and agreed, and we went our separate ways to get ready. As I took out a Tylenol and got some water, I glanced at my reflection in the bathroom mirror. My hair was all over the place, my lips were slightly swollen, and even with a hangover, I looked happy.
I couldn’t deny the way my stomach was twisting when we kissed and how perfectly she fit into my arms. I thought about the way that she cared so much about me and only wanted for me to be happy. And that’s what she made me – happy. She was like the sunshine on my rainy days and the song that was always stuck in my head. I couldn’t let her go if I tried. Was this what they called love? It had to be.
I was in love. I, Jack Barakat, was in love with Marianne. I was just afraid to tell her because we left for opposite sides of the world in less than four days. But deep down I knew I had to let her know before we left if I wanted to make things work. I couldn’t just let her slip away. I loved her and I wanted to tell the world about it, so maybe one day they’d all feel a piece of what she made me feel.
Wanted. Cared for. I wasn’t “Jack Barakat of All Time Low”. I was just Jack, and she made me feel normal. She made me feel loved. And as fucked up as it was, I had to let her know before it was too late.