It was pretty seldom for him to leave his room. Normally he spent all his day in his room over various documents. He regretted his past and what he had done, so now he wanted atone for his "sins" by dedicating his life to his work. Besides the meetings with Hakuryuu and Kougyoku to discuss the further approach of the development department, he had no other social contacts. Well, sometimes he visited the workers of the development department, but most of the time it was either Hakuryuu or Kougyoku, who gave them their orders and overlooked their work. His job was to think of improvements or complete new deceives, which may be produced and sold under the name of the Kou Company. Yes, he had attended Hakuryuu's and Kougyoku's weddings, but those two events where the only one he had attended outside of his work related meetings with them. He knew that both already had children, but he had not interacted with their children yet and he had no intention of doing so. His guilt stopped him. He had no right to be with them and play family. Although he had to admit that he felt a bit lonely sometimes. Whenever this feeling became too strong, he took a stroll outside. During his stroll his mind often was empty and he could appreciate the nature around him without interruption. When his mind wasn't empty he thought about how things could be, if he had acted differently in the past. But this thinking was endless. There were so many possibilities and so many unknown factors that it was impossible to come to a realistic and satisfying conclusion. Also such thought just made him more depressed, which didn't stop him to still have them. Maybe he was a masochist?
Today was a wonderful day. The sun was shining, the birds were chirping, it was warm and the flowers blossomed in all colors. A day out of a book. He walked on a small path, which connected the palace with the nearby forest. It was a mostly unknown path. Only a handful of people knew it existed and even less used it. Therefore it was the best place to be alone and not be found. Hakuren had shown him this side path, so for him it was not just some kind of haven, it also was a place filled with beautiful memories. Despite it being such an important place to him, he barely visit it, because he was too busy with his work and feeling guilty. Did he even have the right to be here after all he had done and not done? Probably not, but there was also no one, who would stop him.
While walking down the path without paying attention to his surroundings, he was suddenly brought back to reality, when someone bumped into him. Confused he turned around, but saw no one. Had he just imaged it? No, he was sure he had felt someone! Slowly he turned his gaze downwards and actually he saw someone on the ground. It was a small child with black hair, blue eye, a mole on its chin and at the end of the brows were twisted. He had never seen the child before, but it must be one of Hakuryuu's children. But why was the young boy here and where was Hakuryuu or his wife? Angrily the boy grumbled something and tried to get up on his feet again. Obviously he had not paid attention and run into Koumei. It was a little shock for him, when suddenly another person was there. His father had taken him on a little stroll and it was nice to have one, when no one else was in his way. It made it easier for him to run around freely and his father wouldn't worry so much about him running into someone else. Who could have known that this still happened? That was unfair! Also it had hurt. Who dared to be in his way anyway?
When he looked up he saw the face of an unknown man, which scared him. He was not a brave child and was easily scared, especially by unknown people. Who knew what this man wanted to do now? Where was his father? He hadn't run to far away from him, right? Koumei, on the other, wasn't scared, but felt a bit helpless. Until now he never had to interact with children, so he was lost regarding what to do next. Should he say something or just leave? This boy definitely was Hakuryuu's child, thus Hakuryuu must be nearby. Should he search for his younger cousin and tell him where to find the boy or should he take the boy with him? But this would probably cause problems, since the child didn't know who he was and Hakuryuu had surely taught his kids to not go with strangers. Fortunately before he had do make any decision what to do, a familiar voice was heard. Hakuryuu indeed was near the two and when he saw that his son had run into Koumei, he went over. The boy was pretty delighted to see his father and as soon as he was on his feet again run towards the adult. Koumei was also quite delighted to see Hakuryuu, because now he hadn't had to do anything. However his delightfulness was gone as fast as it had come, when he looked into Hakuryuu's face. It was astonishing how much Hakuryuu looked like his older brother Hakuyuu. Not like a copy, like he had looked like for some time, but still way too similar. Well, honestly all his cousins looked very similar. If it wasn't for the scar, one could really think Hakuyuu had returned from the dead – or never had died in the first place. Oh, how much he wished the latter would be the case. Things would have been so much easier with the former crown prince around. Their family would have never fallen apart like they had, if he were still with them.
"Koumei?", Hakuryuu asked in disbelieve.
He barely saw the other man outside of their meetings, so it was surprising to meet his cousin here of all places.
"Taking a stroll as well? Want to come with us?"
Hakuryuu approached Koumei with his son on his arm.
"Yes, a stroll to distract my mind a bit. I am really busy with my work, so I don't have much time to go outside often", Koumei lied.
Yes, lately he had to do more work, because he had to think of new improvements and how to fix some severe problems with their different devices. His lack of sleep, which resulted in him getting dark circles around his eyes, was not only due to his guilt – he had gotten used to that feeling already –, but because of all his worries for the Kou Empire's company future.
"Even when you are busy with work, you shouldn't neglect your health."
Hakuryuu was right, but Koumei knew this himself and had never cared much. In the last years he had gotten paler, thinner and his overall health had gotten worse. If he didn't want to die an early death, he should start taking care of himself. Hakuryuu on the other hand looked fine. Koumei was surprised over and over again, how similar Hakuryuu and Hakuyuu looked. Their personality was also pretty similar. However, since Hakuyuu had died with twenty-two years it was now hard to tell, how much Hakuryuu and Hakuyuu were still alike. What Koumei could compare and did a lot was comparing the present Hakuryuu with his childhood self. Wasn't it strange that he could remember his younger cousin so well, but could barely remember anything about his own childhood? Well, he could remember a few things, but he couldn't compare his past self with his present one.
As child Hakuryuu was always happy, curious, but also very polite and shy around strangers. When he had first met Hakuryuu, the young boy had hid behind his older brother Hakuren and hadn't even dared to look at Koumei. If Hakuren hadn't told Hakuryuu to not hid and greet his older cousin, Koumei would have probably overlooked him back then. Even as child Koumei was quite interested in different things, like astrology and Hakuryuu would often asked him about it, whenever Hakuyuu wasn't around. Once Koumei had asked his younger cousin, why he always came to him instead asking Hakuren, and Hakuryuu told him that he would know more than the second prince about this subject. That day Koumei felt so much pride inside him. Being better than his amazing older cousin was great. Knowing that someone was looking up to and admired him made him feel great. Unfortunately, all of this had gone to nothing, because of the mess after the fire incident. He often wished he could turn back time and fix everything, so they would be all together – he would even stop Hakuyuu and Hakuren from dying. But this was just a childish and stupid wish. Things could be better, if he hadn't blindly followed his older brother without looking at the rest of the family, if he had tried to be a good older cousin and take care of Hakuryuu. Hakuryuu had been the one, who had suffered the most and the one, who had been neglected the most in times of need. Nowadays Hakuryuu was often quite silent and barely spoke with others. He preferred to be for himself, which didn't mean he didn't talk with his family, but he wasn't as curious as before and therefore kept his distance to everything new and unknown. Koumei had heard that it had took Hakuryuu a long time until he proposed to his wife and get married, because he was so afraid of what might happen afterwards – and because Hakuryuu had been afraid of being rejected again like he had been by his friends and family before. Hakuryuu's experience with a family or friends wasn't the best. So it was logical for him to hesitate before making such a big step, although it was obvious how much he loved his wife and wanted to show it everyone through their marriage.
"I'm sorry to worry you. I will take some rest later."
The question only was, when this "later" actually would be. So this was just another lie. Why was Hakuryuu even worrying about him?
"Why don't you come with us? We wanted to go to the nearby lake. It is a nice place to take a nap", Hakuryuu suggested with a smile.
"Thank you for the offer, but I was already on my way back to get some rest."
Another lie. So many lies. He felt bad for all of them, but his mind told him he was not allowed to be with his family – the family he had treated so badly. It was the best for everyone, if he stayed away.
"Oh ... Well, that's unfortunate", Hakuryuu said.
Was this sadness in his eyes? No, Koumei must have imaged it. Maybe it was disappointment? But why should Hakuryuu be disappointed? Shouldn't he be happy to not have to deal with his older cousin, who had caused him so much pain in the past – although said pain was inflicted indirectly?
During their conversation Hakuryuu's son had not even once looked again at his uncle, since he was busy with playing with his father's hair.
"Now then, I will take my leave. Rest well, Koumei. No one is helped when he get sick, due to lack of sleep or even worse. You only have one body and one life, don't waste it."
Hakuryuu walked past Koumei, Koumei on the other hand just stood there, looking at the ground and feeling a bit angry. He was the older one, so it should be him, who gave advice! Things could be so much easier, if Hakuryuu would be angrier with him, would yell at him and would blame him. Things could be so much easier, if Hakuryuu wouldn't act, as if everything was fine. Maybe everything was fine for him, but not for Koumei.
"Tomorrow is the twin's birthday. You should come and celebrate with all of us. Hakuei and Kougyoku will be there with their children as well. I am sure they would love to see you again."
It really have been a long time since Koumei had last spoken to Hakuei. He had heard of her marriage and that she left the Empire to live with her husband, but neither had he attended her wedding nor did he even know who her husband was. He really had isolated himself from his family.
"Don't try to make up a lie. We both know you are free tomorrow."
Hakuryuu had turned around after he had walked away a few steps. He smiled at Koumei, while all Koumei could do was standing there not knowing what to do. Hakuryuu had really changed a lot ever since they had been children. From the happy little sunshine into a rebellious and strong ruler and last but not least into a kind, caring and seemingly happy father. And he, Koumei, he hadn't changed at all. He still was lazy and didn't care about his health and appearance. He hadn't become stronger or kinder or smarter. Maybe he should try to change as well? It wasn't too late, right? As long as he was alive he could change and his family would support him.
"Then ... Um, I guess, until tomorrow?", Koumei said with an insecure undertone.
Koumei didn't feel ready to meet his whole family and his guilt didn't make him feel any better, but when he really wanted to change, he had to make changes now. Facing his family and therewith his past, was a first step. Maybe he couldn't make a good family with his siblings and cousins, but he could try being a good uncle.
"Until tomorrow", Hakuryuu replied and left with his son to take nap at the nearby lake.
Koumei watched Hakuryuu walking away and after the other one was out of sight he also made his way back to his room.