i think i'm losing weight again.
sadly, this time i'm not trying again. my stomach is looking smaller and my wrists are looking more bony. and my hands are always cold. my hips are getting smaller; oddly enough i had just got them to get bigger. i haven't noticed until today. i'm never really hungry anymore. and i don't eat as much. my fingertips feel like tiny ice cubes every time i touch my face. i'm getting that light headed feeling i used to crave so deeply, except this time, i'm not craving it, i don't want it, i want it gone. and the headaches are back, too. oh god, that's worst part; on the bad days with migraines are just awful.
it's really the most conflicting thing though. i used to love this, i used to dream about this. but i don't want it anymore. i said goodbye to it months ago, after years of dealing with it. i kicked it out. and it found it's way to move back in. i've been unbeknownst to it until hours ago.
and it's really just been frank and given me an ultimatum. to let it in and let it control me again, or let it control me while i fight. if i fight it, i'll lose. do i smile and savor it or cry over the distaste?
i hate the word, too. it's such a bitter word. so raw, so rough. it sounds just as harsh as the torture it puts my body through.
i wish not to see the number go down on the scale because that is my pleasure. the joy it gives me inside, oh god it's truly a high. there's nothing like it. seeing it go down every day. i'm craving it right now. i want it. i want it right now.
i can feel myself falling back into it's arms. it's comforting, bony, arms.