There were many things going on in my mind at this point. The fact that we were far away from home was one, and that we left uncle David behind to watch the dog was also eating at my mind. Nothing has changed in the month that has passed by. We forgot about my suicide attempt like it was nothing, pushed mum's coke addiction away, and ignored the fact that papa was still with us. I said I needed him and so he stayed. Dad or anyone else didn't mind.
Aunt Iman hasn't come back from her said fashion trip. That has really hurt David. That's why I didn't think he should have stayed home by himself. He has been more depressed lately. Mum hasn't gotten better either. She's on her lowest peak yet. She's almost overdosed three times this month. Once last month and we had to find out from the hospital. I went and saw her all three times. I don't know if it meant anything to her, but I hoped it did.
The twins are still with Bill and Tammy. Especially since they were in her care when she almost overdosed. I think she overdosed but dad won't tell me the full hindsight. He claims it will only hurt me so I don't need to know. Speaking of the twins, they're getting so big and are so adorable. I see them every now and then.
I went back to school for a bit. That didn't help me at all. I mean the learning part and being with Uncle Bill helped, but the bullies didn't. I was tormented by everyone. Kim and I would have to eat in the bathroom together, in a stall because the kids were that mean. They almost beat us up on numerous occasions. We would hide on our spares, and when we weren't there we'd be in a back corner of a classroom hiding. It's not the most pleasant thing we've endured. Especially since we had two or more burritos and milkshakes thrown at us the other day. So school has been awful.
We were sitting in a concert hall thing. Dad was rehearsing for his last show. He was only playing here for a week. Since his health wasn't the best. The fans still loved it. They came to every single show and were never disappointed. I know I wasn't. I got to sing a few with dad and they literally exploded in their seats, and it was amazing. That felt like the moment at the CMT's where I sang with Shania and everyone lost it. That's how that felt. Dad was such a different person on stage than he was at home. But it was okay because he never was too personal out in public events such as shows because of the media.
~
The final show was amazing. Everyone loved it and loved dad's performances. I was glad they did. We went to a sit in joint to eat before going home. I was exhausted so I just had something to drink. I was confused when my phone began to ring. No one usually called me. Not at ten thirty at night. So I answered it. "Hello?" It was David. "Hi sweetie, I just wanted to call you to say Abby misses you and I love you." "Hold on a second I'm gonna go to a quieter place." "Okay honey." I excused myself from the table and went to the ladies room. "Okay I'm in a stall where it's more quieter. Is everything okay?" "Yeah everything's just great." He sounded a little like Tony the Tiger and drunk. "Are you drunk?" "Oh no I'm just finishing my bottle of cola." "Rum and cola? I'm assuming that's what you're talking about." He now sounded upset. "Yeah I guess. When are you and dad coming home? I miss you guys a lot." I felt my heart ache. "Oh uncle David, I'm sorry about that. I miss you a lot too. You should have came here with us. I know it would be a little awkward, but I think we could have managed." "Yeah I guess I should have come. Abby would have been alone then. I love you." "I love you too, and dad offered to take her with us. Please be safe." "Oh I am being safe. Just sitting on the couch watching the tele." I then got a text. Dad said it was time to go so I exited the stall, then went back to the table. "I gotta go okay. I'll call you when we get home." He didn't like that idea. "No please don't hang up on me. I love you so much." We started walking out. "We can video call when I get home to papa's." "I know but I just wanna hear your beautiful voice. Please don't leave me. Emily left, Iman left, and I can't lose you." I felt a sadness pour over me as I got seated in the car. Dad looked over to me. "Who are you on the phone with?" I covered the phone. "Uncle David he's a little tipsy." He nodded. "Sorry David, I was speaking to dad. In a few days we'll be home again to see you. Just remember that. I love you so much and would never leave you." He started crying. "How come everyone else has? You're the true one." "Daddy never has and nor will uncle Bill. Please remember that." "Maggie left me too. She's gone we're all gone." He wasn't making any sense now. We also just had pulled into the driveway when he started bawling even more.
I got out of the car and we were bombarded by the pap's. "Sam come on get in front of us. I don't want you to get hurt." Before he even finished it I tripped over a paparazzi. I almost lost my phone. Uncle David understood why I had to hang up, so he wasn't too upset. I tried getting up but one grabbed onto my coat. "Get off of me!" Fadi came over to us. "Grab my hand." I grabbed it and he just pulled me out of that mess. "Run and do it as fast as you can!" I held onto my phone and ran towards dad and papa. Fadi followed behind me. Once I got to the door I begged them to hurry up. They did their best and I ran in once the door was opened. I wasn't as panicked as I thought I would be.
I finally got settled in my room, well papa's room. He lied about getting me a bed. I knew why, but I didn't really mind. I called uncle David back. He was a bit less emotional now. "What happened out there?" "We were attacked by the pap's D. I wouldn't have hung up if they weren't there." I saw papa come in. "Hey twenty minutes and then bed." I told David to hold on. "Okay but it's Saturday and eleven." "Dad said so." I got a bit irritated. "He did not say I had to go to bed at eleven twenty, so meh." I stuck my tongue out at him. "Stick that thing back in your mouth. He said to so not my problem. Don't shoot the messenger." I scoffed. "I want to talk more with David." I then yelled at dad. "Do I really have to go to bed in eighteen minutes?" "I said in bed not sleeping. I meant if you were coming down here. But shut that hand held thing off at twelve. I love you." "Fine, and love you too dad." Papa kissed my forehead before handing me a charger cord. "Goodnight, I'll see you later. I love you princess." "I love you too. Could you shut the door please?" He threw his hand in the air and kinda slammed the door.
I had no idea what his problem was. I just ignored it and went back to David. "Sorry papa was being snooty." "That's alright. Hold on just a second I'm getting a call on my phone babe." "Alright D." I saw him answer the phone and his expression drop. "Oh um are you sure it's her? I mean you can't be serious. Can you?" He spoke quietly for a moment and then hung up the phone. "Sam don't tell your father." "Is Abby okay?" He sorta smiled. "Yes she's right here darling. It's about mum." Then I realized the call he got. "Uncle David please tell me she's alright." "Uh I wish I could. They said I was her next of kin. Oh don't tell your father." I was now a little bit mad. "I won't, now what happened to her?" I saw the heartbreak in his eyes. "They told me Carl found her unconscious on the sofa and not breathing. They rushed her to the hospital and pronounced her dead my love. She overdosed on cocaine. The one thing she loved the most killed her. I'm sorry love." "That's not funny. Why would you tell me this?" He looked almost as confused as I was. "I'm not joking...Sam I had to. Please you can't tell dad." "I kinda have to D, it's my job. Please I'll do it in a calm manor okay." "Okay fine but please don't freak out." "I'll try not to." We then agreed I'd call him back when I was finished bearing the news.
I knew it was passed eleven thirty but I didn't care. Dad had to know. So I walked into the living room. "Dad I know it's passed eleven thirty, but I have something important to tell you." He made himself aware of my presence. "Yeah what is it love?" "Mum's dead. Okay bye." I went to go upstairs but ran into Fadi coming into the lounge. "Uh what the hell are you talking about?" "She died okay. They found her not breathing, took her to the ER, then pronounced her dead from a coke overdose. Nothing more to it." I could feel the tears falling off my cheek. "I need to get back to David." Dad motioned for Fadi to grab my arm. "Ow, can you not?" He brought me over to dad. "Sam this isn't something that's funny okay. I'm being serious." I was slightly hurt. "Am I laughing?" "No I suppose you aren't." "Yeah I wouldn't be laughing at someone dying." "When this happen?" I was flustered. "Ca..ca..call David!" He pulled out his phone. Put him on speaker so we could all hear what I had to hear. "I'm assuming you've been informed? I'm sorry George." David was crying again. "I'm sorry too David." Dad went silent for a moment. He almost seemed to not believe what David had been saying. I wouldn't blame him either. I could see dad starting to cry. Fadi and papa just sat there not knowing what to do. I just stood there like an idiot as well. I stood there trying to stop the tears from falling.
Dad and David were crying together on the phone. I felt bad because I couldn't move from my position in front of him. With the tears and everything going on I was on the verge of freaking out. Which I did once someone came up behind me and placed their hands on my shoulders. I screamed and fell to the ground. That caught dad's attention. He looked over to me. "Sammy?" I looked up to see papa and dad. "Don't touch me please, I..I need some space. Uh.. I need...ugh." I couldn't get my sentence out. "Take your time darling. We know this is a rough thing to take in." I screamed. "She didn't need to die! She wanted those kids. She loved them. Why did she do this?" I heard David speak again. "The doctor said there was a suicide note and it was listed to Sam. He wants her to read it. Not even the police have read it. They have it with them for legal reasons but they said it's important." I flopped onto the floor.
I didn't want to read her alleged suicide note. That was awful. I was also slightly intrigued. I wondered why she left it to me and not to anyone else. Was I really that important to her? Or was she just apologizing for what she had done. No matter what it was I still forgive her. The heartache and pain is put aside because I still loved her, she was my mother. I just knew we needed to get home as soon as possible. So I spoke up. "Dad we need to go home. Like obviously not right now, but tomorrow. I need to see her. I need to get to the twins. Also my puffer is running out." He looked over to me laying on the floor. "I want to go home now baby." I sat up, but as I did I hit my head on the coffee table. I ignored the fact it happened and climbed on the couch beside dad. He held me close to him. "I want to go home too. I wanna be there for him." Dad had hung up about ten minutes prior to this. David said he was getting some rest. "I have to go back to there. I can't leave David alone. He needs us." I silently agreed. I couldn't stop thinking about her.
~
She was on my mind the whole entire plane ride home. The three of us were on the plane together. Fadi was asleep, but dad and I were antsy. He was trying not cry as I continuously did. I just was so freaked out by this. I was also very interested in this. I kept thinking that maybe Carl killed her and forged the note. He knew he could get away with it because she was a druggie. I liked conspiracy theories, but not when it came to our family. Boy I was really into her death for some reason. It wasn't as easy as I thought it would be, but I had to look over this. I also needed to stop over analyzing this. Maybe it was just a simple suicide. Or an accidental overdose which could also mean she didn't mean to do this. It really bothered me.
We finally got home around four in the morning. David was still awake watching the t.v. He was aware we were home. I guess he just never got up because of his deafening sadness. It poured it's way into our home too. I could feel the pain, and it hurt a lot. I made my way into the living room. I knew he needed a hug. I saw Abby perk her head up. "Uncle David?" He perked his head up now. "Hey darling. You guys are home I guess." I went over to him. He was shirtless and had beer cans everywhere with some other cans too. He made room for me to sit down. "Sam why did she do this? Why couldn't she have left the note to me. It'll be too much for you to handle." I rubbed his arm to comfort him. "I don't have the answers you're looking for, but I do have this. Mum may not have made the best decision last night, but we know she was in pain. She suffered just like the rest of us. She's in a much safer place now. She isn't harming herself anymore. She is in peace. She loved us a lot whether it seemed like she didn't." I tried to be inspiring. Well really I just tried to ease his pain. It kinda helped him. He seemed to be more calm. We fell asleep together on the couch.
(Actual morning hours)
We were awoken to dad. "Sam the police are on the phone and want to speak with you. It sounds important." I sat up and rubbed my eyes as I yawned. "Okay pass the phone here." He handed me the phone. "Hello, this is Sam speaking." "Hi there darling, first of we are so sorry for your loss, and secondly how are you feeling today?" "I'm uh doing just fine thank you." "Okay that's good to hear. Now do you have any idea why your mum would leave the note to you? Don't worry we haven't read it. We were ordered to hand it over to you by our chief. Could we come down later on today?" I looked out the window. "I really don't know why mum would have done that, and I'll ask dad." I turned to him. "Can they come down today?" He agreed. "Yes you guys could come down. Um but could you come in unmarked cruisers or something? We don't want any attention brought to our home today." "Not a problem. Is it okay if we come by in an hour?" "Sure, that seems like a plan. See you then." "Alright then. We'll see you shortly. Bye for now." "Bye for now." I hung up.
"They'll be here in an hour. I'll clean this up and go get dressed." Dad nodded. "I already cleaned up earlier. So just go get dressed. Well you are still in your clothes from yesterday, but go change them please." I listened to dad and went into the spare room. I knew Fadi didn't take my clothes upstairs yet. They were going to go into the laundry room to be washed. So I went and grabbed my last pair of clean clothes from my bag. It wasn't much but it was something. I made my hair look nice too.
When I arrived back out dad was letting them in. "Hello there, you must be Sam. Your dad was telling us all about you on the phone." "Yeah I am Sam." "Oh you're so sweet." I was feeling a bit awkward. Dad led us into the kitchen. I sat on the island because that's what I wanted to do. "So here's the note. Could you read it out loud to us?" "Well I suppose I could." They handed me the letter. It was warm and quite soft for paper. I cleared my throat as I opened the small envelope.
"Dear Sam,
I know you may not understand this, but it is how it is. I'm not here anymore for you. I've killed myself. Or did I and Carl just wrote this to cover my murder up. I'm just giving into your conspiracies. I know you'll look into this and obsess over it. It'll eat you alive, and to be honest don't. Don't let this eat you alive. It won't do you any good. All my life I've been obsessed with the drug cocaine, and it's the killer. It helped me go into the safe, peaceful, kind place. You know heaven? I wanted to say I'm sorry for not raising you, and it was for the better. You would have been horribly abused. I couldn't help my addiction. It's not your fault. I never stopped loving you or anyone at home. You just need to know I did this for me. I shouldn't have brought the twins into my life. I knew I wasn't able to take care of them. Carl knew that, you did, and so did the whole nine yards. How do I explain to my daughter who doesn't know much that I wanted to die? I don't, but in multiple ways I do. I was unhappy, my parents hated me, and no one really was there anymore because of the things I've done to you. I'm sorry I ever hurt you. Don't feel bad for me. I don't deserve the pity. I was an awful person. There were times in my life where I convinced myself drugs were more important than my family. It turned into a reality earlier this year. I loved that drug more than I loved my kids. I couldn't raise you, the twins, or even myself. David always looked down on me for it. I knew he was right. It just killed me inside to think of how I could bring children into this world and not love them enough. I don't want you to blame yourself. Everyone raised you well enough and loved you more than I did. I wasn't a mother to you. I was more of a friend. Not even a friend, more like an acquaintance. You didn't deserve that. You also didn't deserve to be taken advantage of by a man I love so much, but now I don't even love him. The only thing I could ever love besides those drugs and myself is you, David, and your father. I can't love Bill too much because he took my babies away from me. I know why he did. I can't say much more in this page so I've mailed you the other half of my letters. Stay tuned. I won't say I love you forever because I only just started loving you again.
Be safe and take care of dad,
Yours Truly, Mum x-o-x-o"
I wasn't overly impressed. I had to pause for a moment. Did she think this was some type of joke? I mean I'd never know because she was dead, but I don't want a fucking stay tuned suicide note.
I looked over to dad and everyone sitting around. "When does the mail come dad? Did she think this was a fucking joke?" I got up. "Sam of course not. She killed herself and knew it was no joke." I was getting agitated. "No I know that, but from the letters. How could she have done this? Who creates more than one fucking letter? Hell if I were to do it there would be a chapter book based upon it. Now when does the mail come?" He was more stern as my asthma wasn't in my favor anymore. "Sammy, we have no idea what she had been thinking at the time. What we do know is she had this planned out. You need to relax because the mail comes in twenty minutes. So come and sit down so I can give you your inhaler." I was pacing back and forth like a lost puppy. Abby came into the room and nudged me until I went over to a very patient dad. I sat down on his knee. "It'll be a moment okay. Then you can go back to your worrisome nonsense over mail. I don't want a comment on that either." He turned to the investigator who spoke. "Is it okay if we stay while the mail comes? We'd like to hear the next letter. Also we need to have the original copy of the note, but we promise to send it back. I know some people like to keep it as a memory of a lost loved one. I remember investigating a young teen's suicide about five months or so ago. It was awful, but we returned the letter to the recipient." It sounded like she was talking about Em. Dad was finally finished so he let me go.
"I would like if you sent the letter back in the original shape and form please." He was interrupted by the doorbell ringing. It was the postman. Abby went nuts and I told dad I'd get the door. He sent Fadi with me so Abby didn't get out. I opened the door to see the postman patiently awaiting our arrival. "Good morning kiddo, how was your sleep?" He always asked that. Cody was a nice mailman, very young, and very nice. Secretly tried to get into my pants every now and then. "Ah it was good. How about yourself?" "Ah I've been up since five. We've got some packages for you and some for dad. Are you signing today or dad?" I gave the pen to Fadi. He signed for us. "So are you free this coming Saturday? I have two tickets to Leafs game. I know you like hockey." I smiled as well as turned red. Cody was a cute guy. So how could I refrain. "Yeah I'll let dad know. I'd love to come. You still have my number right?" He chuckled. Then showed me his phone with my name in it. "How could I forget the number of a girl with such a pretty face like you, and not to mention your great personality. I'll pick you up around six?" I nodded. "I'll see you then. Text me later and I'll help you with the math." "Sure sounds like a plan. We can video call if you want. Thanks for bringing me the mail." He then pulled something out of his sac. "Oh I forgot this too. But sure and no problem. I gotta get going before Mrs. Henry gets mad." "Yeah okay you might wanna get going." He waved as he left the driveway. I finally shut the door.
Fadi gave me this concerned look. "Since when does the mailman have your number?" I looked down to the letter addressed to me. "Since last year when he was in my class. Cody's a nice guy Fadi. He's like my guy bestie." "Ah okay well let dad know he's taking you out on a date." I walked into the lounge. "It's not a date. Dad, Cody is taking me out to a Leafs game on Saturday. Like I'll be safe I promise." He looked over to me with the biggest smile. "Oh that's fine with me. Just make sure he treats you well and that you treat him with respect as well. Also I'll give you sixty bucks to go fancy with. How old is he again?" "He's twenty dad, but he's really nice. I promise you he wont hurt me. I gotta open this letter now." "Okay do so."
I sat beside him. "Dad do you think mum did this as a game?" "Who knows darling. Now open it please." I struggled to open it. I finally did though. It was covered in stains of her blood. "Oh this is gross. But here's what it says."
"Dear Sam,
Here's part two of six. Now I know what you're thinking. Is this some sort of joke? No, no it's not. I'm being as serious as I could have been. Oh and sorry for the blood. I had a bloody nose the other day. It hurt me to touch my nose so I left it to go on it's own. This will probably be days old. You know after I kill myself. I mean I sometimes thought over it and didn't want to, but Carl urged me to do it a lot. He said I'd be better off dead and should kill myself. He always told me that. He said I was a worthless piece of shit, and I guess I just caved in. He hurt me a lot and I didn't realize that until recently. Whether it be emotionally or physically it still hurt. He used me, he lied, and he cheated. He would always say he'd hurt me if I ever said anything about the abuse, he'd kill me himself. Just like when he raped you on numerous occasions. Yeah that's out of the bag now. When you stayed over he drugged you on numerous occasions so you'd pass out. I was held hostage in my own home. No one believed me but you. You were a witness to it. The only reason Carl let you go was because he knew daddy was still in the picture. So that's why you're still alive and safe. Carl was supposed to be in jail, but he didn't go to court. So tell on him. He hasn't gone to his parole officer for months. He's facing up to twenty-five years in prison. I need you to catch him for the police. Tell them he's still at our home. He hasn't left. Darling I love you so much and am so sorry. Please take care of the twins for me. Visit them everyday. I've left in my will that once you turn eighteen they are legally yours. Please don't disappoint me. I have legal documents in this envelope saying it's true. Part three will be there in three days. I believe it shall be Wednesday when this arrives to you. Don't be alarmed. These will help the police figure out my real cause of death. Stay tuned for part three. I know that cute mailman of yours will bring it to you on the Saturday. I think you'll be okay by then. Part four and five will have major details in the note for you. I know this note and the first one you read aloud, but as my wishes you shall read number three to yourself. Since it's quite personal and there's no evidence in it leading up to my death. I won't give you any hints. The police had the first one because my person didn't get to me in time to send it. So they'll remain anonymous until the sixth letter. All my love to you and dad.
Love Always,
Mum x-o-x-o."
I was a little bit annoyed now. Why would mum make this a game? Four more letters and for what? Just so we can say Carl killed her. I was also worried about why she left me the children. Bill and Tammy would raise them just fine. She was right with the papers being left in the envelope too. It was real and showed that I was their parental guardian once I turned eighteen. That was in five months. Maybe I should get my shit together. No, I needed to think about right now. I needed to think of happier things.
I stood up. "Thank you for coming again. I appreciate it, but right now I need my privacy. I could say that for the rest of us too. When letter number three comes in I'll inform you." They got up and shook our hands. "Thank you for sharing with us that. We will return these once we have the evidence okay." "Yeah please do." I went into the kitchen. I had to calm down a bit. I heard them leaving. I leaned over the sink. I thought I was going to be sick but I was wrong. So I just stood there crying and having another asthma attack. I was trying to be as quiet as possible. I didn't even hear dad come in. I felt him wrap his arms around me. "It's okay darling. Let it out I'm here. No one else is in here. Well okay the dog doesn't count but it's just me. I know this is a lot to handle." I listened to him for once and just released my emotions. "Dad I don't know what to do. I'm scared and I don't want to think she's dead. These letters make me think she's alive still. She's talking in present tense. Dad I miss her. I wanted her to get better. I wanted to help her. We were gonna make a plan for her to go to rehab." "I know honey. We all had plans for her, but she had something else in mind." I was dry heaving into the sink. I swore I was going to vomit. With the sounds I was making they probably thought I was going to vomit. He turned me around at the wrong time. I ended up throwing up this time, and it was all over him.
I was in shock. More than he was about me throwing up on him. "Oh, dad I'm sorry.." He gave me a goofy grin. "Oh don't worry about it. I've had worse. We can clean this up." I did it again. I held onto dad's arm this time. "Okay, it's okay. Everything's gonna be just fine. Abby get away from here." She went into the lounge I'm guessing. I looked up to dad who was holding his hand over his eyes. "Daddy are you alright?" He was breaking down I could tell by the way he was standing and holding his hand over his eyes. I could see him shaking. "Dad it's okay. I love you and we're safe." He took his hand away from his face. I saw the tears and the pain in his eyes. Something was wrong. "I am sorry baby. I'm just upset too. You're mum meant something to me too." He took a deep breath in. I knew he was kinda having an anxiety attack. I knew I had to calm him down and forget about myself for a moment. I didn't want him to seize in the middle of my vomit or at all. I moved us a bit away from it. He took a deep breath. "I need to sit dow..." He just went down like that. I tried to keep him from going on his back. He was too strong. "Fuck! Dad come on. Fadi!" It triggered my asthma as well. The stress it was causing me, and the stress was causing dad's seizure, well also anxiety was a factor in it too. I didn't hear anyone come in here. I was getting breathless and dad was just losing it. I took a pan from the drawer and threw it since it was getting harder and harder to breathe. That caught their attention I'm assuming.
"Hey why are you throwing shit in here? Not acceptable behavior. George where are you?" I banged my fist on the island. "Hey!... Oh Jesus Christ. Sammy move to the side. David I need your assistance, and please bring her puffer." David didn't hesitate. He was in here so fast. He got me off the ground. "Oh darling you're covered in vomit and sweat. Breathe in babe." I followed his instructions. I was trying to go back to dad, but he wouldn't let me. He was holding me back. "I need to help daddy! David let me go!" I could see Fadi slightly struggling as dad was coming to his senses. "Sam you need to give him some space darling." "But, but he needs me. Like I need him. He's my dad." I was still crying. David just held me close to him. Dad tried sitting up. "Oh I need to clean up this vomit. Sam's having an asthma attack." He was all dazed and confused. He looked over to me being restrained by uncle David. "George I will do that. You just sit here babe." He didn't even move he just rubbed his eyes. Fadi bravely cleaned up my vomit, and dad's. I blessed him for doing it. I knew I wasn't able to.
~
I was laying in bed now relaxing. I was watching the Leafs game. Dad or someone would come and check on me every now and then. I was video calling with Cody earlier for homework help and it was the best thing ever. He was so sweet and kind, and he even waited my asthma attack out. He stayed there on the call trying to calm me down. Which it worked out after all. Abby was happy when I stopped having the attack. He was just a great guy. Now we were just texting back and forth about the game when David came into my room. He shut it behind him.
"Hey is it okay if I interrupt for a moment?" "Yeah sure. I'm just texting but I can wait. What's up D?" He smiled at me which I saw rarely. Especially now since mum is gone. "Dad and Fadi went out to dinner, so we're okay. I wanted to ask you about mum. Are you gonna be okay if I do?" "Yeah I wanna confess something too." He tilted is head. "Okay so after you read that second letter it makes me think that she wasn't writing some of it. Like you know what I mean? I knew it sounded like her at the end, but most of it seemed forged." He almost said what was on my mind. "Okay I know this sounds a little messed up, but I don't think mum killed herself. Now before you say anything you have to listen to why I think so." He nodded. "I'm all ears babe." The way he said babe with his accent was just so cute. "Okay so I think mum was killed and her drug addiction was used at her disadvantage. She could easily over dose and live, but this person who made her kill herself used it to their advantage so you can see why they might think they could get away with her death ruled as a suicide. As well they would have used a way she never did. So if they find a prick mark any where we know someone else did it because mum always snorted the cocaine. So there's no way she could've snorted so much that she died. I think someone killed her. The night when I was speaking to mummy on the phone she seemed frightened of something, but she wouldn't talk to me. After that she went silent, and I never heard from her since. Not even a text. Then yesterday or whenever you called and said she was found dead. A coincidence, I don't think so. Something went wrong in between those five days she went silent." His phone dinged. "I know what you're saying darling. Let me answer your father then I'll put my input in." He took forever to text dad, but finally finished. "Sorry I don't know how to text well. Anyways, I think there are some parts of your conspiracy that make sense. I can see why you'd think that." "Also her letters are in present tense. So kinda suspicious. I don't know it just seems too suspicious. Also why didn't they question Carl?" He patted my leg. "Honey I can't give you all the answers you want. Nor can I tell you what you wanna hear because that's lying, and I can't lie to you. I believe she was murdered, but we can never know until we get that sixth letter. Now please promise me you won't obsess over this. I know it hurts but we have to grieve in a way that's not possible. We have to be strong even though we're expected not to. We can't even show in public she's gone. Between you and me the police are treating this as a murder investigation and not a suicide. So don't tell your father. We need to grieve in silence, but in the privacy of our home we can grieve together." "Okay I trust you. Please don't leave me." I quickly told Cody I was going to shower. Which I was lying. "Do you want me to watch the game with you?" "Please? I'm lonely up here. I didn't even know dad left." "Okay you know tomorrow grandpa Panayiotou is wanting to video chat? With that do you feel a bit better?" I half smiled. "Yeah I do. I miss him." He came over and sat beside me. "I know darling."
David and I sat there watching the game. We were there forever, or so it seemed. The Leafs won which was a good thing. David fell asleep on my bed. I guess he was tired. I mean I was but someone had to wait up for dad. That someone was obviously me. David's phone rang shortly after twelve. "Hello?" "You're not who I was looking for. Where's David?" "Sleeping right beside me. What's wrong?" "Nothing, just that he was supposed to be awake for us coming home. We were gonna watch a movie. Can you wake him up please?" "Yeah just give me a second." I shook David. He rolled over and looked at me. "What's wrong? Dad home yet?" "No but they're on the phone. Here take it." I handed him his phone. "What's up George?" I couldn't really hear the other side of the conversation. Not that I wanted to anyways. I wasn't paying attention when he handed me back the phone. "Sam your father wants to speak to you." I took the phone to speak to him. "Hi dad." "Darling I want you do shower and go to bed. It's been a rough day." I was confused. "Dad I showered earlier, but I can go to bed. I am getting tired. Can you come see me before you watch your movie." "Yeah I can do that. We're just pulling in so I'll be up in ten." "Okay see you in a few." He hung up and I passed David his phone.
Dad was right on time. David left once dad came in. "Night sweetie. I'll see you in the morning." "Goodnight D, I'll see you then." He shut the door behind him. Dad stood at the end of my bed. "Come here darling." I crawled over to where he and Abby were. I stood up so I could be as tall as he was. "Goodnight dad, I love you a lot." "How was your night? Did you two eat dinner?" I didn't know he wanted to strike up a conversation. "I was skyping with Cody for homework help, then put the game on, I showered after you left, and then finished the game while he slept a bit. Abby had her dinner. He ate and I wasn't so hungry. How was the movies?" He blushed. "Oh darling it was fantastic I felt so good. I haven't felt so good in a long time. Fadi and I had the best time. Did they win at least?" "I'm glad you had fun dad. They won tonight. So let's pray for Saturday that they win. What movie are you guys watching down there?" "Ah some older movie we all like. Get some rest my dear. Tomorrow may bring new things." "Okay but don't be up too late dad. I love you." "Til the end of time my dear. Goodnight you two." He hugged me before leaving. I laid back down in bed beside Abby. "Goodnight Abby." She licked my hand.
I fell asleep next to her. She always got me to sleep. Without her I don't know how I'd sleep. My slumber didn't last very long. I was awoken from a bad dream in a panicked state. Abby wasn't in my room either. I had wondered where she went. I put my glasses on so I could see the time. It was three twenty. I saw my door open, but didn't see any lights on. So I got out of my bed. I got a sudden cold draft into my room. I took a sip from my water on the dresser trying to be stealthy. Which I choked on it. So not very stealthy on my part. I walked down the hall to see if dad was awake. His door was wide open, but it was dark inside. I could hear him talking to Fadi. So I whispered his name so he could hear me. "Dad? I can't sleep." I was blinded by the light. When my eyes focused I noticed there were three people in the bed. Dad and I didn't make direct eye contact. There were small giggles and whispers. Then they all made direct eye contact with me, and all of them had creepy masks on. I fucking screamed and ran out of the room. I could hear them laughing. I fell into the wall. Dad got out of bed. Hearing me wheeze must have made him get up. He was still laughing when he got down to my level. "Darling are you alright?" "What the fuck was that? Why are you guys in masks in the middle of February? Also why is he in your bed?" "We heard you get out of bed and thought it would be hilarious. It was just apart of the plan." I grabbed him by the face and pulled him closer. "Was apart of your plan to join in on an affair? I know you guys had sex. I can smell his cologne on your skin. Don't lie to me." He rolled his eyes followed by a smirk. "Shh they can probably hear you. I got a bit drunk and that. We'll talk about it in the morning. Did you want to come in with us?" I grabbed onto his hand. "Dad where's Abby? She's not in my room." "Oh don't worry she's laying on the floor in my room. She heard us fooling around and didn't like us being too loud. Come on, come lay down. You don't look to well." "I'm hungry dad. Can I go eat?" He stood up and helped me off the ground. "No it's almost four." He lifted me up over his shoulder. "Dad put me down. I am more than capable of walking." He chuckled as he tossed me on his bed.
I wondered what he was doing when he went into the bathroom. I turned over and saw that they took their masks off. "Sweetie are you okay?" I threw the question out there. Just bluntly too. "Why did you guys sleep together?" "We were drunk darling. No more stupid questions." I was kind of still anxiety ridden from my dream. I just hunched over and screamed into dad's pillow. Fadi pulled me up from there. "Hey calm yourself down. It's just you and me. David went to get something to eat. You're fine, and don't say anything to anyone." "I'm not fine. I still had a bad dream and you scared me again. What is the purpose anyways?" We both saw dad come in. "Dear you need to go back to sleep. I promise you'll be fine. What was your dream about anyways?" "Mum, and how Carl killed her in front of me. It was evil and cynical. I know that's along the same lines but still. I was scared because he said he was coming for me next." He laid down beside me. I was still a little freaked out. He was running his hands through my hair. "You know darling it was only just a dream. Think about it, you are more safer here than anywhere else in the world. I'm gonna protect you from the dangers in life. He won't hurt you anymore. None of us would ever let that happen. Now think of different things and maybe tomorrow will become great again." He laid down fully beside me. That was after he took my glasses. I wasn't too happy about it but I fell back asleep an hour later.
~
(Saturday Morning)
"Sam get up! I'm not joking either. Your father wants you to come down here and eat!" I groaned. "Stop fucking yelling at my door and maybe I fucking would!" I finally got out of bed. I used the loo and continued my way to the stairs. Fadi was waiting outside of the door. "A little creepy aren't you?" I wasn't paying attention when he went to smack me. He missed because I ducked, but I fell downstairs instead. "Oh shit! Jesus, uh, Sammy are you okay?" I got up quite upset and ran towards the kitchen where dad was. I got in there before he did. "Dad, Fadi made me fall down the stairs." He looked up from the paper. "How'd he do that? Why's your damn face so red?" "Cause he made me fall. He went to smack me and I ducked and fell. I wanted to tell you. I hurt my arm a bit and it's kinda cut." It wasn't a bad cut. Just like a bad scrape. "Wash it under the water." I went over and did exactly what he said. Fadi came in the room. "I didn't push her down the stairs I swear to god." Dad laughed at his statement. "She never said that. Just that you basically made her fall. Be careful okay and no more smacking around." "Yeah okay darling." I came back and sat beside dad. He had my breakfast already there. "Dad if I eat half of it will you eat the rest?" "Maybe now eat dear. I haven't got much time okay. We're going out again." I was confused. "Where are you going?" "Um I will disclose that in the form of a text message. Are you gonna come out before you leave?" "He's coming to get me around four dad. So I can come." "Well I'd like that you know. So once you are finished your breakfast you can get dressed properly. It's cold out today. I want you to be warm." I shrugged at him as I continued to eat my yogurt. "Dad would you be mad if I told you I didn't wanna eat anymore?" I saw him roll his eyes. "I wouldn't be mad, but if you didn't eat anymore I'd be fairly upset. Why don't you wanna finish it?" I rested my head on the table. "I've not really been hungry lately. My stomach hurts a lot when I do." He put his head on the table too. "Well how much have you been throwing up? I know you were up a few nights ago doing it. Don't lie to me baby." I didn't want to answer him. But I knew if I didn't he'd be upset. "Dad it's been almost every day, but I've held it in. So don't worry about it too much. Life will be fine." He pulled me closer, feeding me like a small child again. "I would be less worried if it weren't almost everyday darling. I know you are suffering a lot from mum. You know that I'm here if you wanna talk about her."
He smiled at me from the table. I placed my hand on his. I squeezed his hand as I let the tears fall. "But dad talkin about her won't bring her back. Talking won't bring anyone back. I want my Em back and my mummy. I also want papa back. Why does everyone I love leave me daddy?" He squeezed my hand back and came over and whispered in my ear. "Not everyone leaves. You know they're watching over you. Just know I love you so much. But we have to eventually move from this position. It's hurting my head." I smiled as we got up in unison. I went upstairs after finishing most of my food. I had to get dressed for the cold weather according to dad. Which I just dressed however I wanted so I could please him. He looked at my choice of attire. "Are you sure you're gonna be okay in that?" "Dad I still have to put on my coat." "Right I forgot." He handed it to me from the closet. We all went out.
We weren't out for very long. We weren't even bothered either. So it was a happy shopping trip. I was glad it was at least. We were home before four so I had time to get ready. I was slightly excited about it. I've been to a few hockey games with Em, but since then I haven't gone. Dad always offered to buy me tickets, but I can't go without her. It was our thing. We have been watching ever since we were kids. Dad didn't really get the sport but he let us watch it anyways. Uncle David was more of the sporty type anyways.
Cody arrived just on time. I was kind of excited. "Okay darling you call me if you need anything. Uncle David will be picking you up from the train station." "Yes dad I know. I will call you if something happens okay. I love you and thank you for letting me go." "You're welcome and I love you. Now go have fun. We'll see you around eleven thirty." "Yes dad." I was rushed out the door. I met Cody outside of his car. He let me in and went to the drivers side. We were off in no time. "Oh I was supposed to give this to you. Someone gave it to me at the post office." He handed me the third letter. Which was heavier than usual. I opened it. I saw the note and decided to read it first and the letter later on. "This little surprise is for you." I took out the baggy and it was cocaine and a straw. "You alright hun?" "Yeah just gonna adjust my bra so don't look." I put it into my bra. He giggled and looked away. We were at the game in no time.
The Leafs were winning against the Sharks. I decided that tonight was the night I'd try cocaine. So I excused myself at the end of the end of the game to use the bathroom. He led me to the bathroom and let me go. I went into my own stall and just prayed no one heard anything. I snorted a few lines just like I've seen mum do. The rest I hid in my purse. I came out feeling okay. Cody held my hand as we went back to the train. The ride was not silent at all. He asked me about a lot of things and I answered honestly and slightly louder than normal. We were now outside waiting for David to come pick me up. "So did you enjoy the game? I enjoyed spending time with you." "Yes I did, and thank you for uh taking me Cody. I appreciate it." "You're welcome. Are you okay? You seem a little off. Are you feeling well?" I giggled. One of those giggles where I covered my mouth with my hand. "Yeah I am quite fine you? I uh need David to drive me um home. Drive me home eh?" He just went along with my goofiness. Then we saw David pull up. He got out of the car. "Hey thanks again for taking her." "No problem sir. I don't know if she's feeling well or not. So maybe she could get some rest and I'll talk to her tomorrow. She seemed motion sick." "Okay I will make sure to do that. Thank you again. See you around Cody." "See you around sir." He got into his own car. Then took off. I just stood there looking at the stars. He patted my back. "Come on darling. We've got to get going now." I pointed to the stars as people were walking passed us. "But David look at it. Look at the pretty sky." People were laughing as the walked on by. "Okay I see, now please get in the car. People are starting to stare." I threw up beside our car. "Get in the car dear. I've got plastic bags in there." I finally listened to him.
Once I was in the car he turned the light on. Then held my face as he looked me in the eyes. "What are you high on? I know it's not weed either. So spill your guts kiddo." I threw up into the bag he handed me. "Metaphorically darling, not literally." I sat back up. "DAVID WATCH OUT! THERE'S A MONSTER!" He looked up to the windshield and just continued driving. "Was there cocaine in that third letter?" "I haven't even read it David. I think my nose is bleeding." "Make it bleed into the bag. We're almost home. You need to tell me whether you did cocaine or not." "I don't know if I did. I can't remember where we are." "I'll take it as a yes then. Where's the cocaine?" "I don't have any. Stop talking smash. I think it's nonsense that mother would tell you that." He stopped the car and we were home. I ran inside. Just so he couldn't catch me. Or even get into my purse. I threw my shoes and coat into the closet. "Hey sweetie. How was the game?" "Just good okay. Stop asking so many questions." I saw David come inside. "George something's wrong with her. She's acting funny. Cody said she hasn't been feeling well since the train ride home." I ran up into my room. Then locked the door behind me from the bathroom and bedroom door. I then went into my closet to snort more. I heard them banging on my door. "Sam you need to take a gravol if you're sick." "Hold on father." I finished my lines and hid it somewhere safe. Then I threw my purse on my bed. I took the letter out and locked it in my nightstand. I answered their pounds. "Yes father?" "Jesus Christ Samantha you are stoned. What did you smoke?" I smiled. "Fuck if I know. Now I need to sleep father." "Hey you listen to me, and listen to me good. Stop calling me father and for god sake tell me who gave you drugs." "Dead people gave me drugs mother." He smacked me right in the face. "Get into bed now! I've had enough of danger and people on the streets. You will not being doing drugs in my house you understand? I said marijuana and that was final. You are clearly not on that. Now what the hell are you on?" I started dancing because the high made me feel good. Dad wasn't too happy.
"Dad you wanna know what my favourite Eric Clapton song is?" "Sure just waste my valuable time here and tell me." "COCAINE!" I spun around. He got the hint. "Who gave you cocaine? It wasn't Cody was it?" "No the dead did. Mum gave it to me. She even showed me how I'm supposed to do it. Wanna see?" He was steaming mad. "No I don't want to fucking see you snorting cocaine. Now hand it over. I knew your mother was trouble. When did she show you how to do it?" I ran into my closet like an idiot. I pulled out some of it. I had it in my hand. "Okay see this is how you do it." I full on snorted a line in front of them. The shock on their faces were unbelievable. You had to be here to see it. "Samantha Lesley Diana, get into bed right now. David you search the closet and Fadi help me get her in here." I screeched and jumped onto my bed. Dad sat close to me. He noticed the blood pooling from my nose. He took off my jersey and threw it somewhere. "Sam you know that was not a good thing to do. So why'd you do it?" "Don't be mad, but mum told me to in her note. I opened it and found the drugs. I didn't read the ladder yet." "You mean letter, and what made you do it?" "I was curious, but I think I'm done now okay. Just so you know I can't feel my nose. Is it there? Oh and I had to pee." "Lay down darling. You'll be fine. Your nose is still there." I saw David come out. "Got it and I'll go take it somewhere safe. I'll see you in the morning." "Thanks D." He left.
He laid down beside me. "Darling we're not going to do cocaine again alright. That's enough drug trying anyways. Stick to the lower stuff. Now let's sleep my little munchkin. We can call grandpa tomorrow okay." I took my glasses off. "Okay daddio and Fadio. Come lay down and we'll take you to a town that's already been burnt down. I'm gonna go to a place that's been disgraced. I'm so tired of America. I love you two." "We love you as well. Now shh baby. Go to sleep. I promise I'll be here when you wake up tomorrow morning." I didn't answer him because I had already fallen asleep. I could feel him move closer. I also heard my t.v. go on. So I knew he'd be watching something.
~
"Sam darling it's breakfast time. I also want to check your nose." I rolled over to see him watching the news. "Dad where am I?" I felt very light headed. "In bed dear. How are you feeling?" He handed me a piece of something. "I feel like whatever the hell I was on last night needs to be burnt. Jesus I've never felt more awful and I've done Heroin." He turned his attention to me. "Excuse me? You've tried Heroin?" "Yeah once though. It was at Jason's party or something. Also popped a few molly's. What happened last night?" Fadi giggled as dad pushed up his reading glasses. "You were high on cocaine, which I don't appreciate you doing by the way, and you professed your love for it before you went to bed. Open the drawer and read the letter. I want to know what your mother told you." "Cocaine was on my bucket list of drugs to try. So hell yeah!" He gave me this stern look. "Or not okay I'll open the letter." I grabbed it from my drawer. Then I sat up so I could get better lighting. I noticed it was open and already been tampered with. I just went with it. "Dad I'm not supposed to read his aloud." "And you're not supposed to do cocaine either but you did so read it." He had a point. Someone was a little sassy this morning.
"Dear Sam,
Here's part three. Not really the most important piece to this puzzle, but it was fun. Did you get my little surprise? I hoped you would. That was a little treat for you. Remember how I showed you? I hope you did it right. That was just a trial run, so more like a free sample. Don't do it again. I just wanted you to try something I loved. Now to the real issue. This wasn't going to be a key information piece. It was to give you more detail on why I really abandoned you as a child. There were two sides of the story. Just like there is to any story. But whether you choose to care or not doesn't matter since I'm dead anyways. I didn't love you as much as I did now. I didn't have a care in the world. I only cared about myself and cocaine. Actually I only cared about cocaine. That was the love of my life, and your dad didn't know it but I was on cocaine during the whole pregnancy and he'll never know. Since you are reading this privately I hope he won't find out. If not well cat's out of the bag. I fucked your health up. I made your life fucked up. I made you who you are. An invalid, a retard, someone who can't function without their father, someone who depends on their father, someone deemed to be not normal, someone who can't understand things, a sped, and a whole lot of other things. That changed me a lot when I was sober for about a month. I regretted having been on drugs, and regretted having you for the reasons above. I didn't really learn to appreciate you until recently when you were in and out of doctors offices and such. Learning that you were ill because of me wasn't something I wanted to live with. You're the reason I decided to change. I couldn't do that to another human life. I think you were real messed up because of me. I watched as you grew up and weren't learning as quick as others, or doing as well in social aspects as others, and you tended to be very introverted. You were bullied because of the mistakes I made. No one understood the way you felt because of it. You couldn't and still can't express the way you feel about it. You don't understand small things or big things and I couldn't help but cry because of the way I made you. I made you this way and I can't take it back. Looking back I wish I could have either been off the drugs or aborted you when I had the chance, but I promised your dad he could have a baby. He and I agreed on it for years. He said if I could give him a baby I wouldn't have to be there. But he gave me a chance and I still failed you. I never got the chance to be a real mother and now I've abandoned all three of my children. Not knowing if they're safe or not. Don't do the drug that "killed" me. That was metaphorical honey. Ask your daddy. Don't feel guilty about being alive when I'm dead. I deserved to die. I wasn't a good person and I know I'm not. I knew I ruined my life when I got hooked on coke. David introduced me to it, but funny enough I got him off of it. Don't feel any regrets because you turned out to be a wonderful child. I regret not loving you more. I regret a lot of things. Like not being there for your grads and even your Christmas concerts. There's a lot of things in life I wish I could have done for you, but perhaps I was better off not being apart of them at all. You don't have to forgive me for anything. I've already forgiven you for hating me all of these years even though I knew you loved me. I'm sorry I wasn't the mother you wanted. I knew when you wrote that song it was about me, and I feel awful. I'm sorry for not being there when you broke your arm and leg. I'm sorry I wasn't there when you first got your period, your first date, your first everything a teenage girl should have their mother for. But most of all I'm sorry for not loving you enough. Please take a good thought process and forgive me. I may not deserve it but I still love you. You kept me going. I didn't want to die darling. I now know that I love you. I wish I could have told you that in person.
Forever yours,
Mum x-o-x-o."
That was a very deep letter. No wonder why she didn't want me to read it aloud. It was very personal and emotional. I could see why dad might have been upset with the content. Which when I turned to him he seemed to be. So I placed the letter on the night stand and laid back down. I didn't really know how to feel. I didn't know what she meant by any of this. Well I knew what she meant when she apologized. I was kind of hurt, but then again I didn't know if I should have been. I wanted to go back to sleep again so I could forget that letter ever happened. I knew that wouldn't solve it. Nothing would solve the pain I felt inside because of it.
"Dad I'm sorry I did cocaine last night. I don't know what the hell I was thinking. I don't even remember what I was thinking because I can't even remember the game itself. I don't even know why I followed her note in there. I don't even know why she left it in there. Was it a test? I have no idea. I'm an awful person. That made me feel awful." He shifted his attention back onto me. "Sam, I kind of expected the cocaine thing. That's why I knew she made this one private. She wasn't going to make you open this in front of us all to experience you taking out the cocaine. She knew we would take it away immediately. So we live and learn from this experience, and even she said not to do it. Just listen to me for once. Please don't do that ever again or Heroin. Jesus I haven't even tried that, and it's on my bucket list. I've tried a lot of different things, but there's always good outcomes and that. Your mother wrote her sincerest apologies the best way she could. I knew she was sorry about things she wouldn't even admit til now. Don't blame yourself for her actions. That was all on her and not you." I wanted to feel better but couldn't. It still hurt me. Everything she said about me hurt. "Do you think I'm all those things she's said? Are they true? I don't want to believe them." "I can't say you are all of them. I can't say anything bad about you, and I won't even if there were things. Other people may think so but I don't. Don't think of yourself as those things. You're more than that. What she's said in that letter wasn't really relevant to your life besides the apology." He was right and I hated to admit it. He never was wrong at any point in out lifetime together.
There were moments in my life where I knew he would be wrong. But I knew it wouldn't be in my lifetime. Maybe in the next life. I wasn't sure how to feel about any of it. I wanted to feel something, but I couldn't because I was so numb. No other way to describe it. No one wants to ever describe how it feels when a mother admits they didn't want you. Admits all of the things the bullies said. She made my insecurities become more alive than they already were. But I knew I couldn't let them bother me. What did it really mean to me? Nothing really. If it were to come from dad or someone closer to me than her it would really hurt me. So I wasn't going to just lay in my bed. I was gonna make it and do something. I shouldn't lay in here and contemplate the reasons my mother hated me or loved cocaine more than me because I already knew that answer. I didn't need to think about more because like I said I knew the answer. It's like me asking a question I already knew the answer to. There's no use in doing so. I can't repeat it over and over because once you have the answer then it's all said and done. It's over, and there's no looking back at it. It's in the records. I have it and I don't need to revise it. It's one hundred percent the truth. It may chew me up inside sometimes but I won't let it eat me alive for god sake.
I wasn't going to spend the rest of my life basking in the pain. I wasn't going to get joy out of it. So I was gonna put it aside. I was going to focus on the more important things. I could focus on the fact I thought she was murdered instead of killing herself. I could help the police out. I could do something with my time. Instead I would go on with my days obsessing over something new each and every day. There was always a time and place for that. A new t.v. series, a new book, movie, something other than her. Maybe I'd lay down my thoughts in a box and lock them away so they couldn't bother me.
We all have that safe place. You know the beach, a cabin in the woods, sitting by the fire, having the water splash upon your feet. My safe place was at home in the garden. So when I was feeling lost in this dreadful world I think of the garden. I think of the wonderful fragrances those beautiful flowers give off. I think of the great times spent in there. With my hands in the warm, damp, soil. I think of bringing things to life. I think of all the beautiful species I get to handle. I could lay out there forever. That's if dad would let me.
I took today as one of those days. I would pretend that I was laying in the garden. Just to keep my mind at ease and thoughts at peace. I had to continue being positive. Just so I could keep investigating into mum's death. I had to get justice. I had to do what was right.