Once upon a dream
“Where you going?” I asked Karl. He packing things into his medium sized Gucci Duffle bag. I still remember the day he got that bag. He and his friend trotted around the house taking pictures. Karl treated it like a pet dog when he first got it. He would put his cups in the bag and drink out of it. He used it as a pillow as well. The bag had marks all over it showing its old age and over use. Joseph had told me he planned to buy Karl a new one for Christmas.
“Joseph’s.” He stated. His tone made it clear that he didn’t want to talk. I made an awkward face. I stood there for a few more seconds before leaving to go to my own room. Karl did that every so often. Something had happened when I wasn’t home, when I did get home, he would be in a silent strop. He would pack, go stay with Joseph for a week and return when he was out of clothes. I noticed that he had packed a lot more than usual today. He would probably be gone for two weeks then.
I had never known what made Karl go in that mood. That mood where he didn’t want to see or be near anyone at home. I never said anything but it was hurtful. Karl always went to Joseph and I felt as if those two had a special connection that I didn’t have with them. Karl never told me or ever mentioned what made him go in that mood. It started when I was in year 10 and Karl was in his first year of college. I assumed that it was something to do with girls, but as it started to occur continually throughout all the years, I knew it was something else. I usually shrugged it off, forgetting the whole thing although it played at the back of my mind.
After a couple of minutes, I heard the door bang and Karl was gone. That was the last time I was going to hear from him for two weeks. When I said that Karl didn’t want to see anyone in this house, I meant he seriously didn’t come anywhere near or speak to anyone, including me. Which was another reason why I found it so hurtful. I wondered for a long time if it was me? Something I said or something I do. I did wish that he could or even wanted to confide in me the way he did to Joseph.
I decided to call Joseph and ask him what was going on. I doubted he would tell me. Even if he didn’t, I would have at least spoken to him and seen how Charlotte was doing. Not that I cared or anything.
“’Sup?” I smiled at Joseph’s deep voice. It made me feel so calm. I felt very safe around my brothers. When I was younger, anytime that I was in trouble, the first voice I would hear would be one of theirs. I had this silly thing in my mind that anytime I was in trouble, all I had to do was shout and one of them would fly through the air or something.
“Hello.”
“Uh Oh.”
“What do you mean ‘uh oh’”
“Something’s happened.”
“How did you figure that out?” I remained silent. Something had happened but I didn’t know how to bring it up without sounding insecure. “Is Karl coming over to mine?” Joseph asked after some silence. I mumbled basically confirming his suspicions.
Joseph said something that I wasn’t able to pick up. “How’s college?”
“It’s ok. We have mocks soon.”
“How are you feeling about then?” I made a noise as my answer. I had been revising – ish. I didn’t have a high threshold for revision. I could revise at the library, or for 2 hour blocks but I could not revise at home at all. I was too easily distracted. When I was at the library, it was quiet and everyone else was doing work so I did work too. I made a note to myself to make sure I spend this weekend at the library. School was closed on Friday for teacher training or team building, something like that, so I would take that day of then spend Saturday and Sunday at my local library.
“How’s Charlotte?” I asked. Not that I cared.
“She’s ok. She’s been asking for you actually.” That made me smile. I was making a mark on the Devil. Maybe I could change her.
“She’ll have Karl soon.” I said putting this conversation back on track. There was a reason why I had called him.
“Yeah. Those two are like you and Kanye West.” I laughed. “She stans for him. Anything he does she copies it. And Karl loves it.”
“Is that why he is always at yours?” I asked trying to hint at why I had called him.
“How’s your fiancé?” Jo asked. I knew he was trying to avoid that topic. I decided to ask him outright as he was refusing to pick up my hints.
“Why does Karl always go to your house? What happened?”
“What makes you think I know?”
“Because you two are like old ladies. You tell each-other everything.” Joseph sighed. I knew I sounded like a jealous girlfriend. Which was half true, I was jealous.
“Sis,” Joseph started.
“No Joseph. Don’t bullshxt me please.” The other side of the phone remained silent. I expected him to speak but he remained silent.
“Joseph?”
“Satiah it really isn’t my place.”
“Should I ask Karl then?”
“No. Just leave it.” I could feel myself getting angry. Why should I leave it? My brothers were angry at something and instead of telling me and speaking to me they shut me out and whispered to each other.
“Satiah-“ I hung up not wanting to hear whatever he was going to say. I didn’t care for him right now. He rang me back as soon as I hanged up but I didn’t answer. I didn’t want to speak to either of them. Karl could stay there until he was 95 for all I cared.
I rolled my eyes and sat on my bed. I had not been angry at Joseph for a long time. He was the one person that I fell into when I felt like crap, but he was now the person shutting me out. I took off my coat hanging it up against my door. I proceeded to clean my room. I never liked my room. It hadn’t changed since I was in year 7. Maybe that was partially because I hadn’t changed a lot since year 7. My room was one the second floor of my house, first door to your left. When you walked in, you steeped onto white carpet. Well, off-white now as I had had this carpet for years. I covered the biggest stain that had occurred when I spilt cranberry juice with a Zebra print rug. My double bed sat in the corner of the room, always done and neat. There was usually some hair things from the morning or some papers from the night before. To the right, facing the window was a small desk. There was always papers and books piled messily on the desk. I never used the desk to do work. It was more of an area for me to dump my school things after college. Back to my bed, next to that was a wooden draw. On top was an Indian style lamp I used at night to read and around the lamp was all my hair products. The biggest item of my room was my wardrobe. It was full of clothes but I struggled every day to find something to wear. I only had so many clothes because I hoarded clothes. I kept clothes that I had since year 7. I never wore them but I never found the time to throw them away.
I would have loved to re-decorate my room but my mum would say that I was just being a nuisance and she wouldn’t like anything I wanted. If she didn’t like it, I wouldn’t get it.
I cleaned up all the clothes on the floor simultaneously ignoring my ringing phone. When I finished leaning my room I resigned to speaking the rest of my day watching pranks on You-tube until 9pm when I watched a documentary on Dangerous Dogs.
The next morning I received a text from Paul, my second oldest brother. You would really not think me and this guy lived together. He asked me what time my lunch was. I replied 1:15 but wondered why he was asking. Seeing Paul was like seeing the Loc Ness monster. I was never sure if I had actually seen him or if it was ghost. He said he was taking me out to lunch. I screwed up my face. I double checked that it was actually Paul. I didn’t even know that he had my number. I shrugged it off. Free lunch though.
I walked into school and straight to Biology. I yawned taking a seat. My eyes caught Jason and Bec standing by the door talking. I started thinking that she did this on purpose. Why did they have to stand right in front of me basically? Bec wanted everyone to know that she was speaking to him. She was playing with her hair. Jason could barely keep his eyes of her figure that was bursting through her burgundy midi-dress. The sun was out but it was that hot. She matched it with a fake Versace necklace and low all white converses. Her leather jacket rested over her oversized bag that she held in her arms. Her ombre hair was in the style of a short bob. She could have looked very classy, if she wasn’t so…Bec. She turned to face inside the class to see if the teacher had walked in. She knew the teacher had walked in because the teacher had to walk past them first. She did it because when she turned to face in, she gave Jason the green light to let his eyes slide down to her behind. From here I could tell it was impressive. I watched there interaction. Jason said something that made Bec burst into a fit of giggles. I’m sure it wasn’t that funny. Bec reply and a face she made, made him laugh too.
I really didn’t like her. I didn’t like her vibe. I hadn’t spoken to her but I had seen and heard her interact. After a few minutes they finally decided to call it a day and walk in. As Jason approached me, my heart raced with every step. He sat down and smiled at me. I noticed that he smelt nice.
“You look nice.” I looked down at my t-shirt dress with green dinosaurs all over it. I had worn tights and my all leather converses. I had my parka with me in-case the British weather took a turn for the worst, like it always did. I thanked him. I would have mentioned that I thought he looked quite nice but I didn’t. Black really was his colour though. All black made him look like he had just risen from hell, and I found that so attractive for some reason.
“The last time I saw your legs was Ellies.” I stared a t him waiting for there to be a point to his comment.
“What have I done now?” What you haven’t done, I thought.
“Nothing.”
“You’re in a mood with me again.” I shrugged. I actually wasn’t even in a mood with him until I saw his little display. Jason did the smallest things but they always made me so angry for no reason.
“Nothing. I’m okay.” Jason nodded.
“That’s what I like to hear.” My teacher walked in and we started doing work. We had started a new topic, despite the fact that everyone wanted to revise for the coming January mocks. I said nothing though. The new topic was the reproductive system. I really doing know why but as soon as she bought the penis out I giggled. It was even the penis, it was the fact that she walked in silently and pulled it out of her bag. HER BAG? Did she just carry that around? Jason chuckled lowly next to me. He had seen what I had seen. Bec was the only person who turned to the back of the class. Did she have some supersonic hearing? She opened the penis in half and we spent the rest of the first half of the lesson leaning all the internal functions of the things in the penis. The second half we spent on the vagina. Jason kept looking at me waiting to catch my eye. I had forgiven him by now as he had made me laugh through the entire first half. The teacher passed around the vagina to the class. When it reached our table I didn’t pick it up. Jason picked it up and started observing it.
“Fat pxssy gal.” Jason said in a Jamaican accent. I could only laugh. Jason got a finger and tried to finger the toy vagina. He looked at me the whole time. I laughed and put my head on the desk. He was a mess. He was lost and he was making me blush. Jason chuckled giving up and passing the vagina to the next table.
“One day.” He said looking at me. I started coughing uncontrollably. I was in the process of swallowing when he said that and then I gasped and laughed all at the same time. I sounded like a dying dolphin. The whole class stopped and looked at me. I was so embarrassed. Jason patted my back and offered me his 1L water bottle he lugged around. I shook my head and tried to reassure him I was ok. My teacher asked me if I was ok and I simply nodded. I could not speak with so many people looking at me. She turned around and continued to teach the class.
I could feel Jason smiling beside me. And his hand. He hadn’t moved his hand from my back.
I wish I had said something witty like, “yeah, one day you will get real vagina” or something. But I coughed to death. Then everyone looked at me. Even now I could feel Becs eyes lingering on me and Jason.
“You okay Princess?” Jason asked again when the teacher had set work. His hand was resting my char and drawing faint small circles on my back. Every time he drew a small full circle I would get I goose bumps from my toes up my packed hair.
“I’m fine considering that it’s your fault.”
“My fault?”
“Yes. I want all that air I wasted back.”
“Lean in and I’ll return it.” I rolled my eyes.
“I’m sorry. If I had known you’d react like that I wouldn’t have said anything.” I nodded. I forgave him too easily. “I would have just done it.” I held my chest. Why was I suddenly getting palpitations?
“Have, have, have” I stuttered. Jason laughed still drawing circles and looking right at me. I cleared my throat and started again. “Have you done question 3?” I asked focusing on the textbook we were sharing. Jason nodded.
“The testis is where the testosterone is formed.” I nodded checking that I had written the same thing. I had.
“Do you know what the testosterone is for Princess?” I didn’t reply. He didn’t want an answer. “Sex drive.” The circles got smaller and slower. I think I was going to cry.
“Lack of arm muscle mass is a sign of low testosterone.” Jason stopped drawing circles. He laughed, licked his lips then continued.
“Are you trying to say that I don’t have muscles?” I shrugged.
“I don’t stare at you Jason.”
“Jase!” Her whiny voice tore across the class room. I submerged myself back into the class. When Jason spoke it felt like it was literally me and him. Jason tore his eyes away from me and looked at Bec. She ushered with her hands for him to come over. Still with his hands drawing small circles he shook his head. He ushered her over here with his head. WHY? She nodded standing up. Every single person eyes were on her hips as she swayed to back of the Biology Lab. How was she my age but she had the body of a video vixen. Was I at home sick on the day that God was granting people like her these bodies?
“Question 2 is really hard.” She leaned down on the table showing her chest. I rolled my eyes diverting my attention to the display boards.
“Sarah did you do question 2?” Bec asked me. Why was she dragging me into her charade of acting stupid? Of course I did question two. Question two asked the function of the penis. It wasn’t exactly rocket science.
“Sarah?” She called. I dragged my eyes away from the display. I looked at her. Did I look like Sarah?
Jason cleared his throat trying to hold in a snigger. “It’s Satiah.” Jason corrected.
“Silly me. Sorry, did you answer question 2?”
“Yeah.”
“Can I see?” She switched legs. He rights boobs were now on show. Jason tried not to look but they were basically punching us in our faces.
“I’m sure a girl like you is aware of the function of a penis” I smiled.
“A girl like me?” Bec asked placing a hand on her hip. I nodded. “What’s that supposed to mean?
“A smart girl like you.” She returned my smile.
“Yeah. I’ll go and reflect on it.”
“Yeah, you go do that Brenda.”
“Thank you for your help Sammy.” I smiled and she turned back to her seat. Idiot. Jason looked at me.
“Princess?” He said chuckling. I rolled my eyes. I hated that girl.
***
When the bell went after Biology I walked down the hill towards the gates. I was going to see the ever so evasive Paul. He had texted me during Biology that he was outside near the gates. I walked down putting my Parka on. I knew this weather would change. The sun was there but it had a cool breeze with it.
As soon I stepped outside I spotted his car. He skipped towards him giving him a big hug. I hugged me back and kissed my forehead.
“Where have you been?” I asked him. I knew he was in the last year of university but he lived with me and it felt like I hadn’t seen him in months.
“I’ve been about sis.” Ok hood boy. He kissed my forehead again before opening the car door for me. He went around to his side. I put my seat belt on. He didn’t. That’s a new thing I learnt about my brother, he doesn’t drive with a seat belt. As soon as he started the engine music started blaring. It was Kanye I noted. I nodded my head approving. He pulled out of the car and zoomed out of college.
Again I caught all the looks from people.
We sat in Nandos which was only down the road form my college. He really didn’t have to drive here. He had complimented my dinosaur dress. I thanked him. I really did like this dress.
“You know Joseph has a secret daughter?” I gossiped as we waited for our food. Paul had gotten us drinks and ordered the food. He nodded chucking peanuts into his mouth.
“He finally told mum?” I nodded. I was the only person who didn’t know about Charlotte out of all my sibling then.
“Is he with Indiana?” He asked.
“You should know. You all tell each other everything and leave me out.” I shrugged. Paul looked at me and didn’t say anything.
“We don’t mean to make you feel left out.”
“We?”
“Yeah, me, Joseph and Karl.” I looked at Paul who put more peanuts into his mouth.
“Did Joseph say something?”
“He just mentioned-“
“So you’re not here because you missed me. You gossiped with each other again and you drew the short straw on who should speak to me then?” I asked standing up. I really wanted to throw my drink in his face. From what I knew about Paul, I didn’t like him. He could stay away with Joseph and Karl.
I opened the door and walked out of Nandos. I wasn’t a little kid that needed speaking to. All I wanted to know was why my brothers didn’t like being around me? That wasn’t a major request was it?
He caught my hand as I was about to cross the road.
“Satiah at least let me talk to you.”
“No. Go back to whatever hole you, Jo and Karl have all been handing in.”
“Satiah.” Paul said in a definitive tone. I turned to him crossing my arms.
“What?” I snapped. Paul paused.
“Stop being dramatic.” He said after some silence. “Let’s sit down and talk.” He said. His tone made me go back inside. I took off my coat again and sat down.
We sat in silence. Paul was texting or tweeting – whatever kids do nowadays on this phones – until the food came. The lady placed the extra spicy half chicken in from of Paul. I had opted for a burger and chips. Before even tasting the chicken, he added more extra spicy sauce on it then cut a piece and put it in his mouth. It was piping hot. I was sweating just looking at the chicken. He didn’t even blow it. That’s the second thing I learnt about Paul, he didn’t do seatbelts and he had a mouth made of steel.
“How’s college?” He asked. I nodded. “Jo said you have a man...” I looked at him but kept my mouth shut. Did he think me and him were now going to have a chinwag?
“How long are you going to be angry?” As long as I feel like.
“Why are you guys never at home?” Paul cleared his throat putting his phone down. “Is it because of me?” I questioned further. Paul shook his head.
“Don’t ever think that Satiah.”
“Well what else am I meant to think? Joseph I understand, he doesn’t get along with mum and he has his own flat. But you and Karl live at home but I never see you and Karl always storms out of the house for weeks.” Paul listened. When I finished he didn’t say anything. “I know how annoying mum can be, but you guys leave me with her all the time.”
“We didn’t mean that.”
“Then why are you never home? You don’t have lectures all week.” Paul nodded.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t know you felt that way.” I was getting frustrated. He was doing exactly what Joseph did. He was evading the whole problem.
“Why are you never home?”
“I have things going on.”
“All the time?” He nodded.
“The last year is really stressful-“
“So why don’t you get a good nights sleep at home then?” Paul didn’t say anything. “Has something happened at home I don’t know about?” Paul silence answered my question.
“What happened?”
“It’s not my place.”
“Whose place is it then?” Paul remained silent. He played with his food on his plate.
“Satiah. There’s a lot that’s going on you don’t know about.”
“So tell me then.”
“It really isn’t my place.” I sighed giving up. They weren’t going to tell me. Paul bought my dessert so I forgave him, kind of. He promised to text and see me more often, but he didn’t say that he’d be at home any more often. He dropped me back at school making the same noise he had when he picked me up. He kissed me on my forehead again before leaving. That was the third thing I learnt about Paul, he didn’t do seatbelts, didn’t understand the concept of spice and he liked kissing me on my forehead. I like it too.
***
You know that feeling when your get home after being away for a long time. Like when you go on holiday and you get home, drop you bags and just sigh. Sigh in complete happiness because you are in a comfortable place.
That was where I was now. I was at home. My belly was full and I was happily home. I peeked at the shoes that were walking around the bathroom. I smiled. I had never felt so comfortable in such a long time.
I stayed there for the rest of my break, which was just under 45 minutes. Conversations went from someone’s gathering this weekend, to not doing the Law homework to a new album that had come out from an artist I had never heard of.
When I did leave the toilet I felt so relieved. I felt strangely cleaned. I was able to sit with myself and get all thoughts into order.
I went to the last lesson of the day which was Chemistry. The bane of my life. I understood chemistry, but it was so boring. Nothing made me sleepier than Chemistry. I took a seat next to Patrick. I used to sit next to another girl but we never really talked. I don’t know if she even noticed that I had moved away from her.
“So,” I knew Pat was about to go on a rant about something that had pissed her off this week, “tell me why this Natasha girl was talking bad to me today?” I shrugged. I really didn’t know what I could say about Natasha. I would have usually justified her actions before I even knew everything that had happened but I obviously wasn’t a great judge of character.
“She bumped into me with that Lydia girl. You know the one who always has new weave and wears leggings everyday?” I nodded. I knew who Lydia was. “So I was apologise then. And she looked at me shocked and asked me to repeat myself.” Patrick looked at me as if I was the one who offended her. “Sorry sis, did I not annunciate?" She questioned me. "Did I stutter? Did I murmur? Was what I said no coherent?" She went on. "Sis, did I whisper? No bxtch you heard me." I chuckled. She was crazy.
“She really needs to be knocked down a peg. After Richard basically publicly rejected her she went silent. But apparently she has a new boo from that college that Levi goes and she think she’s hot shxt again.” Pat kissed her teeth. Na really got under her skin. “Anyway, enough of that bxtch with no edges. But we should pray to God that they never grow back, what’s up with you?”
I updated her on the fact that Richard had asked me on a “date” this coming Saturday. And the exchange that me and Bec had had in Biology. I left out the part about Jason basically touching my soul with the way he was rubbing my back in those circles.
“I hate that Bec girl too. She was banging on about what she prefers in boy in the Citizenship class,” that stupid class I was forced to go to every Friday. I was seriously thinking of bunking, the stupid things you hear in that class. “I was like, you look like an ingrown toenail. Sorry sis, how about who preferences you?” I burst out laughing. Patrick behaved like one of those stereotypical gay Beyoncé stans. I calmed down, but Patrick was not finished. “And then miss was talking about how it’s healthy to like touch yourself”, she whispered the last part, “and how both girls and boy shouldn’t feel ashamed. The noise she made. She was like, ‘ew! Why would I touch myself when I can get other people to do it for me’” I rolled my eye. What a Bec thing to say. “And then that Natasha chick started going on about how your fingers should be turning the bible.”
“You have to get them wet to turn the pages though.”
Patrick stopped. She laughed. Then stopped. Then laughed. She shook her head.
“I fully rebuke you. I will not go to hell for laughing at that. No WAY.” She looked up. “My Lord, my saviour. Forgive me” I chuckled. I really don’t know why Nat was acting high and mighty when she did what she did in the toilet only last month.
“I really don’t see the problem with touching yourself. It’s ok for boys so why is it such a bad thing if I do it?”
“Do you do it?” Pat whispered again. I nodded. I really didn't see the problem. It’s been proven time and time again that it’s healthy for you and its nice. I nodded again unashamed. I wouldn't go and scream it at the top of a rooftop but it wasn't a big deal.
Patrick regarded me trying to see if I was being serious. I nodded again.
“Really? Doesn’t it feel weird? Who do you think about? Where do you do it? When do you do it?” She blasted questioned at me.
“Yes. Not anymore. Random things, from celebrities to people I know. Usually in the shower and like once every few weeks.” I think that answered all her questions.
“That is so weird. Not you doing it, but, like I’ve never met a girl that’s open about it.” I trusted Patrick enough and I felt really comfortable around her. I obviously wouldn’t start a conversation with a random person about ‘touching myself’
“You’re so cool. I’ve decided.” Patrick said putting her hand out. We nudged hands like boys from the hood and she smiled.
Really shouldn't be here - uh oh