'Oh my God!' Tara exclaimed, while she hugged me tightly. 'I'm so glad to see you. I've been so worried about you. The Haus of Gaga too. I'm pretty sure Christian would've hanged himself if you stayed away any longer. You look really different, by the way.'
I nodded, slightly overwhelmed by Tara's energy. 'Probably the hair.'
'No, it's in your face,' she said. 'You have this glow. I can't define it. And you're so tan. How did you do that?'
A glow? More like sweating like a horse because my whole body was being thrown upside down. I could literally feel the blood rushing to my uterus. 'Yeah, the heat of Arizona changes you.'
Tara smiled. 'You need to tell me everything, but I think we need to sit down first, because there are a million things I need to go over with you. Everything is one big chaos at the moment. I'm literally on the verge of a mental breakdown. I really couldn't have prolonged it any longer.'
I looked at her. Her dark roots told me she had a lot on her plate, because it sporadically occurred she didn't have time to dye her hair.
The following days were crazy busy and hectic. I left early in the morning to meet up with the Hause of Gaga and returned late at night. I had so many meetings that I sometimes didn't even know which one I was in and when I came home, I went straight to bed and nodded off into something that was more like a coma than a peaceful sleep.
I had so many things to organize. The press was on my back, because there still was no statement for my disappearance and the internet was exploding of all the rumors people had spread. Some claimed I'd been kidnapped, others were sure I had ended my musical career. Those rumors didn't really do my image any justice and we needed to change that as fast as possible.
A few days after I'd came back, they had already arranged a photo shoot with me for Harper's Bazaar and I really didn't feel like posing in front of a camera. The shoot took the entire day and I was happy Tara was with me, because I wouldn't have survived without her. That morning it took me a lot of effort to get out of bed. I'd slept for over ten hours, but when I woke up in the morning it felt like I hadn't even slept at all. When we left for the shoot, I fell asleep in the car and it took Tara five minutes to wake me up. I was still sleepy when they dragged me into make-up and the makeup artists tried to cover my under eye bags and pale skin, but that was hardly possible.
First it wasn't too bad. I really tried my best and pretended I wasn't feeling as bad as I did. I really felt uncomfortable in front of the camera with all those people around me and the little black outfit I was wearing, pressed on my stomach which only made me more nauseous than I already was. Normally I didn't have any problems with shoots, indeed, I loved being in front of the camera, but that day I really wanted to just go home and sleep.
'Try to relax,' the photographer said to me.
I nodded, but had no idea how I could relax while I in fact was constantly holding back my tears and the need to throw up. I tried to pose like I normally would, but the people and heavy flashes made me so nervous.
'Guys, she needs more powder. She's starting to shimmer again,' the photographer commanded. Five people immediately came out from the side and started to powder my face and pull on my wig. I nearly choked on the hairspray and that was when I'd had enough.
'Stop!' I screamed. They stepped away from me like I was a toddler throwing a tantrum. 'I'm sorry. I really need a break from all this.' And I walked away from them on my high heels. I went outside and the fresh air did me good. I was sweaty and my hands were trembling. I felt like I was going to black out, but then the door swept open and Tara appeared. She rushed to me.
'Gaga!' she said, worried.
I moaned and put my hand om my heated forehead. 'I'm not Gaga today.'
'You don't feel very good, right?' Tara asked, while she put her hand on my bare back.
I shook my head and was thinking about telling her, but I didn't really want to be reminded of my pregnancy while I was standing half-naked in a dirty street in New York. I started to hyperventilate and started to pull at the zipper of the leather shorts I was wearing, but it was stuck.
'What's wrong?' Tara asked.
'I can't breathe in this fucking thing,' I said shakily. Tara immediately came forward and undid the zipper. I felt my body relax and took a relieved breath.
'Can you please tell me what's going on?' she asked.
I bit my lip. 'I just feel bad. That's all. I'm a bit out of shape and the past few days were just too much. I'm tired and I just really need a cigarette right now. Do you have one?'
She searched her pockets and took out a pack of Marlboro's. Gratefully I took it from her and lighted it without even thinking. I took a puff of it, but then realized what I was doing and threw it away. I coughed the smoke out of my lungs.
Tara looked at me with a very confused face. 'Why did you do that?'
'I quit smoking,' I said. 'Shit.'
'Since when?'
'A few weeks ago,' I said.
'Wow. This trip really changed you.'
I nodded. Only if she'd know.
'Here, take some of my coffee. That'll will cheer you up.'
She handed me over the Starbucks cup and I took a few sips of her iced coffee.
'Better?' Tara asked.
I nodded. 'That was much needed.'
'Do you think you can go back inside? It'll be over soon.'
I nodded and we returned to the set.
When I finally came home at midnight, my body was broken. After the photo shoot I had two more meetings. The last one was at the Plaza in one of the conference rooms. We needed to go over some publicity things, but when Christian was talking, I fell asleep with my face falling down on my binder. Tara decided to call it a night and brought me back to my apartment. I was about to crash on my bed, but Tara made me sit up straight.
'Come on, you can't fall asleep in these clothes.' She walked to my closet and came back with a loose fitted band tee and a pair of sweatpants. She helped me out of the dress that I was wearing.
It made me feel really embarrassed. 'I'm sorry. I'm one big mess.'
'Don't apologize,' Tara said as she pulled down the T-shirt. 'You just don't take care of yourself.'
'That's not true.'
'When did you eat for the last time?'
I was thinking, but couldn't recall it. 'Uhm.'
Tara took her Phone out of her pocket and looked at me. 'What do you want? Pizza? Chinese? Thai food?'
I wanted to refuse, but my stomach was grumbling. 'Pizza. With pepperoni.'
Half an hour later we sat on the bed with a large pizza box resting on our legs. I chuckled when I saw Tara take a not so very charming bite of her slice.
'Thanks,' I said. 'It means a lot to me to have you by my side.'
Tara smiled and grabbed my hand. 'It's my job.'
'No, it isn't,' I said. 'Your job is to make me pretty.'
'Well, that's exactly what I'm doing. You won't look your best when you're not feeling well.'
I chuckled. 'You're kind of right.'
'There's something I need to ask you,' she asked out of the blue. 'I know you're really tired and these days have been crazy, but what's happened to you? You're so different.'
I put my slice of pizza down and bit my lip. I knew I couldn't lie to her anymore. 'You're right. Something's changed. I feel so terrible, because I'm pregnant.'
Tara fell quiet. 'Pregnant? Really?'
I nodded. 'I felt really sick the past days and when I flew back to New York I just couldn't stop throwing up. Right after I landed I bought one of those pregnancy tests and it was very positive.'
'Oh God,' she said. 'I really need to process this.'
'Me too.'
'So you actually just found out?'
I nodded. 'Yeah, and I have no idea what I'm going to do now.' My voice got higher and I was about to cry again. Tara noticed it and hugged me.
'You're going to be fine,' she said. 'Don't be sad. How far along are you?'
'About seven or eight weeks,' I said. 'I don't really now.'
'So you got pregnant over there?' Here eyes grew large.
'Yeah, it's for sure not John's.'
'So mister cowboy is the daddy?'
I nodded. 'I'm one hundred percent sure of that.'
'Damn, Stef. How do you feel about it?'
'I really don't know, but I'm going to keep it. I've been thinking about it a lot these past few days and it would be so unfair if I got rid of it. The girls that have an abortion don't really have any other choice. They're young or don't have money. I have everything, so this child deserves to life.'
Tara teared up. 'You're so brave and you have us. I'll always be here for you. So are Christian and your parents and the rest of the crew. We love you and we will love your child too.'
I smiled. 'Thanks.'
'But how about daddy? Are you going to raise it on your own? He doesn't want it?'
'I haven't told him yet.'
'Why not? He's the father!'
'I know, but I feel like it's better to wait. It's still very early.'
'I get it, but Stef, your pregnant! Oh my God.'
I smiled. 'It's kind of crazy, isn't it? In 7 months I'm going to be a mother.'
'I'm really happy for you,' Tara said. 'Don't you remember last year, after the Super Bowl, when you were all in tears because you thought you would never be able to have a baby because of your hip pain and stuff? Look at you now. You did it!'
I wiped a tear away. 'I did always want to become pregnant.'
'This is going to be really good for you, Stef,' she said. 'I do have to ask, though, how the fuck did you manage to get pregnant? You're always so paranoid about sex. I thought you were on the pill.'
I was fiddling with my T-shirt and smiled. 'He was just irresistible and I kind of forgot.'
'You never forget,' she said. Tara knew me way too well.
I rolled my eyes. 'I just wanted to be close to him.'
'So close that he's inside of you know in the form of a baby?'
I sighed. 'At least it will be a beautiful baby.'
'Can't wait,' Tara said, filled with excitement. 'But there are a lot of things to arrange.'
'Tell me. I only have seven months.'
She wrapped her arm around me. 'That's more than enough time.'