I look at her with the same lost puppy eyes as she looks at me. I need to do something. We both look at each other in distress.
"It's so nice to meet you. You are so kind to let me stay here." I say to her and step closer to hug her, to get my lips to her ear. "Please don't say anything. I will explain later, I promise."
She looks at me, with a mefiant frown and nod slightly. She smiles brightly and greets me back. I have never felt that bad in my life. I just want to run out of there and cry.
"It's really my pleasure. I have an empty bedroom anyway, my roommate bailed on me last month. It will be nice to not live alone, that's why I have always friends over. I'm sure you won't mind." She smirks at me and turns her back to us to walk inside.
I follow Steeve inside and look around. It's cozier than I would have imagined. It seems rustic with the red brick walls and the old wooden floors. It has a warm charm to it. It's really nice. I get inside the living room and my gaze locks with the one I can't get out of my head. Ash is sitting on one on the three small couches and looks as surprised as I am.
I literally freeze on place and feel even more panicked than before. I have to suppress the tears flooding my eyes.
"Oh my God..." I let out and I honestly never would have thought it could have gone that badly.
"Guys, this my cousin Steeve and his girlfriend Grace." I hate the emphasis she makes, it makes me look at Ash and feel incredibly sorry and ashamed and bad overall. "This is my boyfriend Lucas and my friend Ashley."
"Ashley? Isn't that a girl's name?" Steeve laughs and jokes like the bully he always was.
"It suits him well." I can't help the words rushing out of my mouth arrogantly, which gets me a glance from everyone, more seriously from Steeve. From how clenched is his jaw when he loks at me, I know he didn't like my defiance.
"Why don't we go settle down in the room, Gracy?" Steeve says on a tone I really don't like.
He knows how I hate this nickname. My brothers used to call me Gracy all the time. In my head, I've always heard 'greasy' instead of Gracy since I've suffered a lot of bullying because of my weight, mainly from Steeve and his friends. That's why I hate it so much. I'm used to it now, but he calls me that just to annoy me and that's what I despise.
I oblige to his demand and follow the way Sophie shows us. I am so used to oblige and submit to every of his demands, the difference being that I don't care anymore. She leaves us to have some privacy and he turns instantly to me, throwing the bag on the floor, making me jump in surprise.
"What was that? I made it clear that I don't want you to reply to me. 'It suits him well.' Don't you dare do that again! You made me look like a fool." He retorts arrogantly to me, stepping closer, hovering his head over my small height. He tries to bully me like when we were kids.
Even if I wouldn't have done a thing, he would have been at my throat. Lucas and Ashley's presence makes him terribly jealous and he doesn't even have a clue of our history. I can't believe this is my normal... That I put with this unsane attitude so long... But I won't take it anymore. I've really had enough!
"What the fuck is wrong with you? Stop bullying me! I'm your girlfriend." I let out a little bit too loudly than I wanted. I thought I was done with his mean attitude. I feel terribly sad, he has been so kind lately...
"So start acting like it! You should have my side." He replies as the knuckles of his fists are becoming white, his face at a few inches of mine.
"Not when you aremaking fun of the guy. You don't know him." Saying that, I know I just set him off. He is boiling inside, I see it in the vein popping on his neck and the meanness in his eyes. I instinctively feel scared, but I try to own my grounds. I'm done surrendering to him when he is being mean.
"And you do? Have you seen his hair falling on his face like a girl, it was a joke." He rolls his eyes at me and leaves the room.
I sit on the bed and try to compose myself. That was sexist and I really can't stand it. It quickly makes me think of Marcel. It makes me smile that he is a proud feminist and so upfront about equality and actively fighting for it. He bloody dedicated all his thesis on it. He is freaking remarkable. He seems so kind and wonderful compared to my boyfriend. Boyfriend...
It has been a long time since something like that happened. He bullied me all my life, I was the crazy one to choose to give him a chance when he was suddenly infatuated by me. I'm the masochistic woman who tolerates to stay in a relationship with a man who treats me like that. It's all I have ever known. For four years, almost five, I lived with it, thinking I was the problem. He might be really sweet when he wants, but now that he seems to bully me again, I don't want to take the risk that he gets used to treat me like that again, more often than he already does.
He leaves me in the room alone and I'm very glad. I get to feel my emotions freely.
I breathe in and out, taking a seat on the bed, and press my palms on my eyes to stop myself from crying. I mustn't, I have nowhere to hide here. I need to go back out there and face what I have done and see if they told or will tell Steeve about last weekend. I can't imagine the wrath of anger that will come upon me when I do break up with him.
Oh my God...
I get up and collect myself. I breathe in and out again and exit the room. I swipe my thumbs under my eyes just in case, one last time, and walk in the living room. I look at them, awkwardly sitting on their couches, Sophie and Lucas together and Ash and Stee each have their own.
I can hear the little devil in my head asking me which one will I choose to sit next to. After what just happened and for all the reasons in the world, I want to sit next to Ash, but I must do what is expected of me and head to Steeve. I know if I don't he'll get angry at me again.
"Why don't you come sit with me?" The beautiful sound of the drummer's voice comes to my ears. "If you are going to live here, we are better to get to know each other right now." He smirks at me, his hazel eyes piercing mine as I welcome his invitation more than he knows how.
I step towards him and sit dangerously close, not enough to draw any suspicions, but enough to feel the warmth of his body against mine. He puts his arm on the back of the couch behind me before he starts his interrogation.
"We were talking about going to the pub tonight." Sophie tells, but I'm more focused on the whispered voice in my ear.
"So? You have a boyfriend?" Ashley asks and I feel my heart sink to my heels. It barely knows me so literally the only thing he knows is that I'm unfaithful.
"I do." I respond, trying my best to be subtle.
"And you kissed me?" He says as if I was a mean person, when I'm actually just stuck in a poisoned relationship.
"I didn't. You kissed me and I was drunk." I slightly turn my head to him, to make sure nobody sees or hears us.
"What about the texts?" He asks and I feel a sweetness in his voice and I can't help but to remember all the excitement he made me feel and I still feel. I need to be truthful.
I turn my head completely to him and our eyes gaze into each other's. I feel giddy again and stressed about being caught, but there is no way for Steeve to know if nobody tells him. I really didn't expect for this weekend to turn out this way, but part of me is glad that I will get to see these new friends more often.
The tension seems to build between us as the proximity seems almost suffocating, but in a good way. It fuels me up, it drugs me, it makes me come to life like I have never felt before.
"I meant every word..."
For a second, I feel his eyes sliding to my lips and I do the same. They are so pulpy and inviting, never have I had the feeling the need to be unfaithful, until him. I want him. I need him. He makes me feel greater things than I have ever experienced only with the way he looks at me. I feel desired and worth something for the first time in my life.
I feel his hand slowly sliding on my shoulder from the back of the couch. The warmth of his touch makes me breathe heavier. He doesn't stop looking at me as we gain more and more contact. I'm biting my lip under the attraction I feel, making forget about anything else than us.
"Forgiven?" I dare to ask as a smile grows on both of our faces.
"We'll see." He smirks and it contents me.
"What are you two talking about?" Steeve interrupts us firmly and I jump in surprise, as, seconds ago, it felt like Ashley and I were all alone.
I look at him furtively, trying my best to act natural, fighting my usual submissive mode.
"His band. They are playing tonight and I told him I would go." I smile to Steeve and turn my attention on Ash again, but my sight gets caught by Sophie and Lucas and I don't know where they stand. I will really need to explain myself when Steeve isn't here.
"You didn't want to talk to me about it first?" My boyfriend says and I get cold chills running down my spine.
"I just really want to go... I think it would be nice, don't you, to get to know them?" I try to act innocent as I felt like he wanted me to have his permission to go.
"Maybe. What sort of band are you playing in?" He asks and Lucas is the one to answer.
"We have a pop punk band. It's what our manager calls it anyway... To give you an idea, it's kind of like Good Charlotte or Green Day."
"I don't like this kind of music and I don't think it's Grace's style either."
"You're wrong. She loved it." Ash says to Steeve as I feel very ashamed to have awaken his mean side, but realising what the man next to me just said, I need to cover my tracks quickly.
"What he means is that I just told him my favourite band is Bon Jovi. So, he would assume I would love it and I'm sure I will."
"Since when do you love Bon Jovi?" He frowns to me with a giggle of disbelief, clearly judging me like he has always done throughout all of me life. I really shouldn't be surprised, but I am having enough of this. I want to stand up for myself and not always submit. With everyone around, I don't have to be scared he will hurt me.
"Don't you pretend to know me better than myself. I know you hate any kind of music that isn't rap, so I always turn it off before you get home." I spit out arrogantly as I hate this bitter side he doesn't seem ashamed to show my friends.
"We've been together four years now, I think I got a pretty good hint of who you were through the years!" He yells and, if sights could kill, I would be dead.
I can't believe he is doing a scene here, in front of everyone. I feel out of my mind and terribly ashamed. I can barely keep all the anger I have inside, I am almost trembling under the adrenaline.
I put a hand on Ash's thigh and slide myself off the couch to get up. I look at my friends and do the most honest face I can to show them I am sorry. I sigh and turn around to look at Steeve and shake my head in disgust, to the worst side he brings out of me.
"And still, no, you don't know me. You know the bullied version of me. I don't want to feel like that anymore." I let out to him and walk back to the door to get out of this toxic environment.
I think that's the most honest I have ever been with him. I can't deny all the good moments we had together, but are they worth all the times he bullies me and bullied me before?
I have always been naive. I know that. I always see the good in people and I forgive them, but acting like that in front of Ashley, the man that opened my eyes to all of this, is unacceptable.
I get outside and I feel my body still shaking under the rush of adrenaline the argument brought me. I walk further away on the street and turn at the end where I remember the pub being nearby. I don't totally feel all lost, at least in Hayes, because inside of me, things never have been so messy.
I wish Ronnie was here and I had someone to talk to. I could call her, but, at this time of the day, she is working. I can't believe how my life has derailed. I never intended for anything to happen the way it did.
"Grace?" I hear someone call my name, but I was so far in my mind, I jump in surprise.
I see Sophie jogging my way and I stop walking, letting her get to me. I quickly swipe my fingers under my eyes so that she doesn't see the tears, but I know she does.
"He is gone. I asked him to go and Lucas and Ash are making him leave." She says to me as her smile seems sorry.
I frown, ready to ask her why, but she answers quicker than I can ask.
"Ash defended you as soon as you left. If I wouldn't have asked him to leave, I think he would have punched him. I don't tolerate the way he treated you... and I hope you plan on doing something to change that."
"I don't love him anymore, Sophie. It took Ashley to make me realise that I'm worth something more..." I look down and admit to her.
"No one deserves to be treated that way, even if he is my cousin, that won't cut it." She says and tries for me to look at her, but I feel so ashamed.
"I'm so sorry you had to witness that. I want to apologise for the way I acted last week too. I never meant to be unfaithful. It was so unexpected. I am so sorry, I mean it." I tell her as she lifts my chin, my teary eyes gazing into hers.
She takes my body into her arms and hugs me tightly, until her phone rings. She steps back and quickly picks up as 'hello' and 'thank you' is all she says.
"He is gone. Lucas just called me to say he saw the car drive away. We can come back now." She slides a hand to my back and pulls me as she walks back to her flat.
I follow her, but my heart isn't in it at all. What do I look like to them now? A broken toy? A crazy girlfriend? A liar and an unfaithful woman? I keep inside all my shame and follow her every step. We get back inside her flat and I feel like I owe the boys my appreciation.
The second I step in and I see them, I go to them, having the hardest time to look at them. I am still very ashamed.
"Thank you for standing up for me. It means more than you know. You didn't need to do that, but you did. I'm very sorry for everything that happened. It was all my fault..." I let out and make my way to the bedroom to not importunate anyone anymore.
I close the door behind me, but it doesn't shut. I turn around and look at it. A foot is blocking it. I look up and see the tall figure of Ashley standing in front of me. My eyes gaze into his as he gets inside the room and shuts completely the door behind him.
With each step he takes, every move I make to get closer to the bed. I sit and he carefully sits next to me. Looking into his eyes, I feel like no words are needed, just his presence calms me down as it awakes other stronger feelings.
"Are you OK?" He asks me gently.
"I guess... I heard you were quick to defend me... Thank you."
"You don't need to thank me. It shouldn't have happened in the first place. I can't believe you had to deal with him for four years." He says and I roll my eyes and look away.
"He isn't always like that..." I say and it's time to tell him the truth so that he can forgive me. "I don't love him, you know. I am just stuck in this relationship... Since last week, I can't stop thinking about you..."
I seem to be holding my breath as I look at him. I wait for an answer or any sign that I haven't made up a scenario in my head. But it comes, I see the corner of his lips lift up in a smile.
"Forgiven." He only says and it makes me smile incredibly wide. "There's something I have been wanting to do for a week." He whispers and slowly leans in, looking into my eyes, but since I don't move back, he looks down at my lips.
I breathe in, sharing a proximity that drugs me with desire, and all the images I had in mind while I was making love to Steeve, when Ash was all I could think of, is all I can think about now. Our lips barely brush, before desire takes over, just like it did in the bar. Feeling his lips against mine, moulding mine again, brings back everything that happened that night. Breathing in, I breathe him in. We are both sober now as the desire wasn't related at all with the amount of alcohol we drank like I initially thought.
He pulls me closer to him and I completely let myself go. My lips never stopping kissing him, I kneel on the bed and move closer to straddle him, with my legs on each side of him. He embraces my chest entirely, sliding his hands firmly on my back, making me shiver all over.
I have never felt anything quite that wonderful in my life.
I feel his tongue caressing slowly my bottom lip and I welcome it. I missed it, incredibly. I have butterflies flying everywhere in my belly. I feel the heat radiating between my legs as I tangle my fingers through his curly caramel locks.
"I guess this means you are coming to the show tonight..." He murmurs and smirks as I kiss him one last time before I look at him.
"I wouldn't miss it for the world. You guys are really good." I smile back to him and toy with his shirt on his tummy. It reads 'Smells Like Teen Spirit' and I smirk. "This is actually one of the few songs I know how to play on the guitar."
"Are you kidding me?" He laughs at me, looking at his shirt.
"No, not at all. I'm not saying I'm Hendrix with a guitar, but I do can play it."
"You could be a part of the band." He jokes and I roll my eyes with a huge smile on my face.
"We would rock together." I joke to him.
"Totally..." He looks at me and slowly pulls me for a long hard kiss before gazing back into my eyes. "Tell me something else about you."
I take a second to think about it, but something about Ash makes it so simple and easy to talk to him about anything.
"I live in Manchester. I'm graduating from College in a few weeks. I work at the Nando's right under my flat. I'm working with a publisher in London for my first novel. That's pretty much it..." I smile and intertwine our fingers together absentmindedly.
"That's amazing. Does that mean that you will come to live here permanently once you graduate?" He asks, dimples digging on each side of his smile.
"With this whole situation with Steeve, I think that's what I want to do. I love Manchester though. It's going to be hard to leave it, but I feel quite motivated to stay here..." I murmur to him and bring his hand in mine to my lips. "Your turn."
"I'm from Australia. I came here last year, because a manager promised us to book us a tour with one of the local major artist. In the meantime, we play in the small pubs because it's fun."
"What about your family? Do you miss them?" I let go of his hands on my hips and I run my hands in his hair, combing them back.
There's something about our interactions with each other that is so natural and a bit surreal. I have never had that before. It makes me feel special.
"I do. Dad left us when I was young, so I always felt like the male authority figure my sister and my brother relied on. So I'm doing this for me, but also for them. I want to give them what is the best."
"That's very sweet."
"That's something you'll find out soon enough about me, I may be in a punk band, but I'm not a tortured soul. I am kind of-"
"Sweet? Adorable? Incredibly sexy?"
"Sexy, uh?"
"Oh yeah!" I giggle and give him one last longing kiss.
I get off him as I hear Sophie's voice from afar. He is always making me feel like we are all alone. I like it. I don't know what this is going to be, but I am very happy we have anything at all. I can't believe it actually. How can a man be so sweet, understanding, sexy and into me all at the same time?! I must be dreaming.
"Maybe we should join the others, I'm sure we will find some other time to be alone."
"I sure hope so. I'm not done getting to know you." He smirks and gives me one brief kiss before he gets up and I follow him out of my room.
I never got to say to Sophie how beautiful her flat is. So that's what I do the second I see her alone in the kitchen. Lucas takes Ashley apart and Sophie tells me we should get ready to go. I ask her for a second to change out of my preppy school clothes and take out my casual black converse with a simple white tee and black jeans.
I follow them out and we get in Lucas' car. The road is quite long since we get stuck in traffic on our way to Camden. That's a borough of London I have never been to. Now, that I know Ashley comes from Australia, I question them to know how the group formed and I learn that they are all from down under, which I realise from their accent, it is very obvious.
We get there and look for a place to park, but since it's Friday night, the streets are full of people drinking beer and smoking. I get a bit uncomfortable and it isn't something Sophie doesn't notice.
We finally join the two other lads and I am actually surprised how happy I am to see Caleb and Mike again. Mikey's eyes are big and bright when he sees me, which makes me terribly happy. I didn't think I had made such an impact.
"Hello Grace! I thought you would come to our gig, but I never thought you would arrive with our Romeo here." He jokes and gets Ashley to react.
"Shut up Mike and help us with my drum in the booth."
I go to Ash to help, but he has everything under control with the two other lads. I insist on doing something and he lends me his drumsticks.
"Take good care of them." He winks at me and heads in the back door of the pub, but stops after a few steps and waits for me to join him. "See that building over there? It's the Roundhouse, we are playing there in two weeks. It will be the biggest gig I have ever been a part of."
"That's great. I'll make sure to buy my ticket then." He smiles back to me and we join the others inside the loud and crowded pub.
I have never been backstage of a show before, it's something very exciting if you ask me. The venue is slightly bigger than it was last week and it's easier for Caleb and Ash to set up the drums as Mikey and Lucas are setting the guitars up front of the small stage. Sophie plugs Cal's bass and adjusts the sound of the amps and the guitarists soon do the same before they all begin their sound check.
I feel very useless so I head to the bar and order two rounds of tequilas. In a moment, I'm back backstage with them as it seems Ash has been looking for me. I forgot, I still carry his sticks around. I show them the tray with shots for everyone.
"I guess somebody got a taste of something she liked." Caleb jokes, putting down his bass.
Sophie is the first to come to me with a delighted face.
"Mmh... Tequila. May I officially declare you my new best friend?" She jokes and helps me distribute them to everyone.
"No salt and lemons?" Mikey asks, having both of his hands full, with the two glasses.
"I figured I didn't need that to get lucky tonight." I smirk, and look at Ashley, mirroring me, as everybody laughs and whistles.
"You better take her back to your flat then, Ash." Lucas jokes to his band mate.
"Are you scared to feel intimidated by the noise?"
Hearing them tease each other about sex is seriously exciting me and turning me on. I never felt like that before. Ash awakes sides of me I never thought I had. I was a good girl before.
I can't believe how fast things go with Ashley. He learned about my boyfriend maybe two hours ago. He has made it evident of his reciprocated infatuation towards me. And now he thinks about taking things to the next level!? I've never done that before, having a casual relationship. I've never been with anyone other than Steeve... Do I want to go that far with Ash?! Do I want to be that unfaithful?
"Alright then... Let's find out which of us can make our woman moan the loudest." Lucas dares Ash and it becomes very weird. Our woman!?
"OK, guys... Shut up! We don't care about that. Let's drink our shots and get on with the sound check." Mikey says and I start to giggle since I don't know how else to react.
"Thanks Grace for the shots and to an amazing gig." Soph toasts by raising her glass and we all drink our first shot.
The golden liquid slides through my throat like fire and I can't help but cough in disgust and decide to drink the other one to be done with it now. It is even more horrible than the first one. Chills run through my body and Ash looks at me and laughs.
"You clearly don't like tequila, uh?" He rhetorically asks, a bright smile on his lips.
"Not really, I still have the horrible taste on my tongue..." I whine and I do genuine funny faces that goes with the taste.
The handsome drummer laughs, digging deep the dimples on his cheeks, stepping closer to me. He slides his palms on my cheeks and, before I can even realise what he is doing, he is kissing me. His tongue quickly finds mine, drugging every of my senses in a matter of seconds. He clearly knows what he is doing, giving my tongue a taste of lust and desire.
I have never felt this giddy in my life. I feel like a young school girl. Steeve has never made me feel that way, not even at the beginning of our relationship. I was always second guessing his intentions. I was always scared he'd bully me at every wrong thing I would have done.
He steps back and looks at me. I need to focus so that my knees don't go weak and I fall and make a fool of myself.
"What about now?"
"I guess it has its perks." I joke and it makes him laugh. "Now, go join your band mates before they start whining and complaining."
"I'm sure they would. I'll see you later, don't go anywhere this time."
"I'm not leaving without you." I wink and head back in the bar to join Sophie and let them rehearse.
The giddiness inside of me consumes my features. I can't stop smiling. I breathe in and out pure happiness. I don't recall Steeve ever making me feel that way. Yet again, four years, almost five, is a long time. Ash seems like the perfect way to change my mind of Stee. I feel like I am on a cloud and I float through the room to Sophie, sitting at the table right up front.
I sit next to her and she smirks to the sight of my grin, it seems to amuse her. She slides her chair closer to mine with a loud creek.
"So... I see that Ash and you are some kind of a thing now." She says and I drop my smile. I don't know if it is meant to be a good or a bad thing.
"With him I get to be who I am and he seems to like it. I have never felt more alive. So I'm rolling with whatever this is. Is that bad?" I ask her, caring about her thoughts since I like her very much and I trust her judgement. She has been very kind and amazingly understanding with me.
"No, it isn't. I have been rooting for the both of you since I first saw you together. It just sucks that you are my cousin's girlfriend... Now that I've seen him blow up like he did earlier, I remember he used to be a mean jerk when we were kids. I can't believe you had to put up with that shit for four years..."
"He isn't always like that..." I murmur, trying to defend him, when I start to not believe my own words anymore.
I decide to tell her the truth about how I learned to forget who I was to have a good relationship through the years. I tell her everything that happened in my head this last week since we last saw each other. I explain the texts, the fact that I can't get my drummer out of my mind, how I imagine him making love to me and not Steeve, as shameful as it is to admit, and everything Ronnie made me realise. I am surprised how well she takes it all and that, through everything that has happened, she has my back.
The subject drifts to the other lads in the band. She tells me Caleb is a free horse and sleeps with different women almost every show. Mikey has a girlfriend back home and he is finding it very hard to live so far away. He always feels homesick. I feel bad for him. I can't imagine how it must feel to have the person you love on the other side of the world.
"How is Ashley?" I dare to ask.
"He is so sweet. He is the more responsible out of the four boys, he is also the oldest."
"How old is he?"
"Twenty-two."
"Twenty-two? Just that. He seems so much older. Wait... How old are the others?"
"Caleb and Mike are twenty-one and Lucas is the youngest, he is twenty."
"What!?"
"I know, he doesn't look like it. He is younger than me. I'm twenty-two. You?"
"Twenty-one."
I can't help but laugh. I thought they would be at least five years older. They are so tall and they all look like men and not boys from the way they talk and the amount of hair on their body. I think it's amazing for them to have come across a great opportunity for an Australian band to come to England to tour with a local major artist, at their age.
It seems like their dream is becoming true and mine too. That's a great thing to share and celebrate together.
Sophie leaves to get us each a pint of beer as I see technicians settings the lights and open the curtains. I get all excited to see them play again. I think back about what she told me about the boys. It makes me look at them a bit differently. It makes me like them more. I see more depth in their characters.
Strings are ringing through the pub. Voices are being shut. Attention is being brought to the stage. The lights are on Mike, hitting a few chords with lots of swag. I hear Ashley beating his sticks together to a steady beat before banging his drums hard. All the lights bright up the band as Lucas steps closer to the mic, joining Mikey at the guitar.
I try, but my eyes can't seem to steer away from Ash very long. I love the intensity with which he completely pours himself into his music. God it turns me on... He is just doing what he loves most and he is fabulous at it. I admire that. He knows who he is and what he wants.
Who am I? I never acted like that before. I have never been this reckless. I am living a double life, with a man that drives me crazy. He makes me feel, more than I ever had the chance before. I feel literally free. I never pretended to be anything else than my pure raw self when I was in London. It was the first time in forever that I could really assume myself and Ashley seems to have liked me for who I was. I have no idea if he, in fact, likes me, but I can't deny the mutual infatuation we have towards the other.
My eyes catch his and I smile to the smirk he gives me. It takes me back to my memories, when we were all backstage. The boys joked about sex, implying Ash and I would have intercourse later on, following my comment that didn't honestly intend that. Would I have sex with him tonight? I can't deny the burning desire within me since the night I pretended with Steeve. I want him. He arouses me. Ash has something, I can't quite put my finger on it, but it speaks to me. But do I really want to be willingly unfaithful?
Their set ends and I drink my now warm and disgusting beer all at once and head back to the boys. Once I'm backstage I realise I haven't even waited Sophie or told her I would join them, I just did spontaneously. Spontaneous, me? I must really be getting tipsy.
I see the boys smiling my way, but they are walking by me to head to the bar. It leaves Ash and I alone and I can't say that I mind.
"You were incredible. I don't know about the three other guys, but, you, I couldn't take my eyes off you..." I let out and frown at my own honesty.
"Oh yeah? Why is that?"
"You are one sexy drummer."
My new confidence is making me behave with inhibition. I think I can blame the alcohol a bit, but I like to think it is how free Ashley makes me feel. I have never felt this desired and appreciated in my life.
He smirks at me and I walk closer to him, taking his shirt in my hand, pulling him even closer.
"The way you bang those drums... Mmh... It's very, very sexy. I might want to be your groupie for tonight."
"I'd say that you are being incredibly sexy." He slides his palms on my cheeks to press his lips on mine. "But you are more than a groupie to me."
I take a moment to savour his words, heat spreading through my entire being to rush to my core. I've never felt so sexually attracted to someone in my life.
"God I want you now." I murmur against his lips.
"After the show... Your place or my place?"
"Mine... We've got a dare to win." I smirk against his lips, completely kidding, but it turns me on to even think that way.
He smirks against my lips and I break the kiss to look at his adorable cuteness. I look at him and I can't believe a beautiful and kind man like that would even give me some of his time and attention, let alone want to fuck me later on.
I blush to the thought of my fantasy finally becoming true. I need to turn my head away so that he doesn't see. I try to focus my attention on something else to calm down my flustered face. His drums.
I walk to it and point it with a smile. He joins me and sits on his seat.
"Want me to show you?" He simply asks and I light up at the idea to learn something new.
He takes my hand and pulls me closer. I get my feet caught together and fall awkwardly on him. I try to straddle one of his legs to get comfortable on top of him. His arms circle me as he puts absentmindedly his feet on the bass drum and the cymbal's pedals. He gives me his sticks and covers my hands with his.
"Loosen your grip, let the stick free to move in your hands. Like that. Now, try to follow my beat and keep doing this." He asks and I oblige to every of his demands.
I focus very hard to get it right and by any chance to impress him.
I keep doing the same rhythm for a while and he guides me how to end a verse and do a chorus of one of their songs.
"You think you can do it on your own?" He says as I already feel his grip on my hands loosing.
"No. Don't let go, don't let go... Oh no, you've let go. I'm doing it!" I panic a second , but I get immediately overjoyed that I am succeeding alone.
I find myself pretty nice to be able to do something he is so good at, but I lose focus the second I feel his lips on my neck. I can't seem to think about anything else than the caress of his smooth lips on the skin of the side of my neck and his strong arms sliding, holding me tightly, around my waist, hugging me closer to him. My back arches under the pleasure and my head instinctively leans to the side to grant him more access.
I put the sticks on the main drum and lift my arm up and fold it back to tangle my fingers in his hair. Every time he touches me, I feel my body bursting into flames.
How can a man I met a week ago can make me feel the way he does? He excites me. He makes me want things I've never wanted before.
"You drive me crazy..." I moan as my free hand grab his, around my waist, and slides it slowly to my breast.
I feel so ashamed to want things so impure from him, but I can't help myself. I turn my head and his lips leave my neck to be on mine again. The kiss is beautiful, tasteful and lustful. Never have I tasted this blissful combo, but I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. His lips are soft, but hungry. For the first time, I shyly caress my tongue on his lower lip. He grants me access right away and meets me halfway.
"Can't you guys get a room or something?" Lucas surprises us, with the rest of the band behind him.
I quickly part from Ash. Apart from being completely panicked and terrified from being caught, I feel a bit ashamed to have been seen in a hardcore snogging session.
"We heard your little drum solo. It was... Cute." Caleb jokes, at least I really hope he does and nobody else heard us.
I get up from Ash's knees and smile to him and the boys, still extremely shy to have been caught like this.
"I better get back to Soph... I'll see you after the show." I say to Ash quickly and leave the boys on stage, behind the curtain.
I'm so shy now, walking quickly back to the pub. I'm excited, but embarrassed to have been caught like that. Part of me is crazy excited for the show to be over and finally have him the way I have been dying to, but another is scared. These kind of things never happened to me before. Will it be only a one night stand? Will it mean something? To be honest with myself, I don't want to engage into anything very serious, because of the whole Steeve situation. I am technically still with him, but not for long. Once I graduate, I will leave my flat to focus on my book here in London. The welcome has been great and it makes my choice all the more easy. I have to admit that having Sophie and the boys in my life just makes it more motivating, particularly Ashley.
What is it about him?
The curtain slides to the side and I catch his sight again. I can't help but to stare at him again. His hazel eyes are so kind and beautiful. When they are on me, they are like silk against my cheek, so smooth and delicate. His smile is so genuinely adorable. I mean, his dimples are digging their way to my heart. His lips are pulpy and, right now, they are in a striking pink shade. I love the way they feel on my skin. I can still feel my neck tickle where he kissed me, and where he had his arms around my waist, holding me tight.
How can he make me feel that way?
"If you keep staring at him like that, I think he might burst into flames." Sophie teases next to me, making me jump in surprise.
"Oh my God. I'm so sorry. I didn't think it was that intense..."
"Don't worry. It would have been creepy if he wasn't as into you as you are into him."
"You think he is into me?"
"I have seen him around women before, but never did he act so affectionate. It's weird."
"What is?"
"I don't know if it's this situation with you and my cousin, this situation between you and Ash or that Lucas and I aren't the only couple now. It's weird..."
"I'm sorry..."
"Don't be. I think it's a good weird. It just needs some getting used to."
"I really don't want to step over the line, I know you are being overly welcoming and nice, but... I was wondering, if it would be OK, if..."
She smiles at me and crosses her arms on her chest, waiting for me to get to the point, which is really something hard to ask and it's making me extremely nervous.
"Yes." She says with a smirk and my panic goes on overdrive. What does she mean?!
"Yes? Yes, what? Yes, I'm stepping over the line or -"
"Yes, Ashley can come over. I wouldn't suggest you go to his place anyway. The boys have the smallest flat around. That's why they are always over. And I saw Caleb flirting earlier, he might bring someone home too, so it might not be the greatest intimacy ever."
"Oh my God! You are so great, I can't even..." I let out and hug her absentmindedly.
"But sort your shit out with my cousin, I don't want Ashley hurt."
"I would never hurt him... I'm not even sure what we are."
"Just remember that they are going on tour at the end of the month and, that, at the end of the day, they are not from here..." She reminds me as even though he is great and things could get greater between us, I don't think he could fit in my six-step plan.
-
Beers and shots later, we leave Caleb behind and bring Michael to their flat. He plans on taking advantage of the empty flat to Skype with his girlfriend. It's something I find very sweet. I feel sad for him. I don't know for how long he's been here and away from her. I esteem him a lot. Mike's so kind. There is so much more to him than he leads on.
We drop him off and I am left all alone on the back seat with Ashley. Even though he gets me all excited, part of me feels nervous and a bit scared of what is about to happen once we get to Sophie's flat. I have never had sex with anyone other than Steeve in my life. What if I'm weird or he doesn't like my body or I'm simply really really bad at it? I'm so nervous, my hands are crazy sweaty and my stomach in knots.
I have always felt ashamed of my body. I know I am a bit more curvy than the usual typical standard type of American beauty. Steeve always reminds me to go more to the gym. It has been my Christmas gift for four years, a gym membership. He used to bully me a lot on that when I was young and, looking back on picture, I wasn't fat, just curvy, since I had had my puberty pretty quick.
I hope Ash won't be disgusted or turned off by me. He is so tall and slim and fit and perfect. And look at me, small, curvy, awkward, clumsy, not a ounce of anything sexy in me...
We get there and my stomach drops to my feet. I feel really bad, nauseous a bit. What if it goes wrong? What if I can't please him? What if I can't make him hard?
Everyone gets out of the car and I am left inside, breathing heavy, thinking about moving so I don't look as weird as I really am. The door opens and I see the drummer in front of me. He offers me his hand, like Marcel had done last week. The only touch to our skin is enough to calm me down.
What is wrong with me?
I follow him in, guided by his hand pulling me everywhere with him. I hear Sophie talking when we get through the door.
"Is someone else hungry? I am starving."
"You are always hungry, babe." Lucas teases as he walks by her and spanks her bum on the way.
"I would only have a glass of water, please." I say and she tells me where to find the glasses in her cupboards.
I see Ash take an apple from the counter and I decide to head to my bedroom. I haven't undone my bag at all. I put my glass at the top of the dresser. I pull out the first drawer and take my bag in my hands and lift it up to the bed. I open it and start organising my clothes.
"So focused." I hear the sexiest accent from right behind me.
I look at the bedroom door quickly. He shut it. Good. I keep on placing my clothes in my drawers with his face right over my shoulder, looking at everything I do without a word. The only sound in the room is every bite of his apple he takes.
"I think that shirt is my favourite." He says and I look quickly at him with a smile, before I unfold it to show it completely.
It's a grey Ramones shirt, very simple. It is quite large, because I love ordering men shirts for the comfort.
"I am sure you look great in it." He murmurs, his lips tickling the skin of my neck by the proximity.
He kisses my skin once and leaves the room. I look at him go and conclude he might want to throw his apple into the bin. I'm struck by spontaneity, once again, and decide to act a bit recklessly.
I don't know how long he is going to be gone. Two seconds? One minute? So, I don't have a choice but to not think about my idea too thoroughly and get it into action. I take off my shoes, my socks and my jeans. I throw my shirt over my head to quickly put on the Ramones shirt he liked. I pick up my clothes in a hurry and throw them in my dresser.
The second I hear the door open, I strike a pose, as weird as I might seem, and try to look sexy, my elbow resting on the top of my dresser.
"I knew you would look good in that shirt." He smiles at me and I look down at my body.
I'm showing quite a lot of myself, all of my legs are showing and the shirt only covers maybe half of my behind. And he thinks I look good!
"I think I would look even better in that one." I risk myself to say and look at the shirt he is wearing.
I kneel on the bed and make my way to the other side, where he joins me, an amused smirk on his lips. We look into each other's eyes for a couple of seconds before he takes it off and offers it to me. Still looking at him, I take mine off, knowing he will see me in only my underwear. I try to stay confident, but it takes everything inside of me to do so and look seductive.
I keep looking at him, but I see him looking down at me as I take his shirt from his hands to put it on. I smell his perfume on the fabric and it makes me incredibly happy. Steeve doesn't wear perfume. He sometimes sprays himself with his body spray when he leaves the gym without showering, but not other than that. So, this turns me on and makes me all the more attracted to him.
Once I have his shirt on and he is left shirtless in front of me, we keep gazing into each other's eyes and I feel the awkwardness taking over the seduction inside of me.
"What do you want to do now?" I hate myself for asking, having lost the little confidence I had.
"What about you tell me something else about you?" He suggests and I smile widely, he seems to care about me and I like it a lot.
I crawl back and lay on the side, in the middle of the bed, hinting him to join me. I pat the bed and he lays on his stomach, sliding his hands under the pillow and turns his head to look at me.
"What do you want to know?"
"Anything." He smiles at me and I think hard about what might be interesting about me.
"I love chocolate. I don't have a car. My favourite superhero is Batman, but Christian Bale's Batman, not Ben Affleck's Batman. He completely ruined the essence of the character. My favourite movie is Titanic. I am a hopeless romantic. I am very curious. I ask questions all the time. I love to play FIFA on PS4. I became very good, and, that one time, Steeve really got mad. So now every time I beat his highest score, I write down his name. That way, I'm keeping the peace." I enumerate as Ashley mirrors my widening smile.
I keep looking at him as he says nothing. The silence isn't awkward. I see that he is thinking, so I distract myself by drawing forms on the bare skin of his back.
"What about you?" I ask him.
"What do you want to know?" He zones out and smiles at me.
I really think this through. I could ask him anything. I could really take this to my advantage.
"What do you think about me?" I ask and he frowns and mirrors my position, laying on his side, resting his head on his hand.
"Mmh... I don't know..." He murmurs, seemingly uneasy to talk about his feelings.
"What do you know?" I try to break his wall kindly.
"I know that... I like your perfume. I like your presence. You are funny and incredibly sexy. You make me want to talk about stuff and, at the same, I just want to kiss you. You are so easy to be with and to talk to."
"That's the nicest things someone ever said to me." I blush to his words, Steeve never talks to me like that. It makes me smile and it makes me very happy. He sees me. He sees beauty in me that I don't even see in myself. I think I deserve that, to be told nice things. I deserve better that what I've always had. I'm so happy Ashley is making me feel like that.
I slide closer to him and very delicately, lift my head to meet his, our forehead pressed together. I wrap my arm around his torso and pull him closer to me. It's all very different from every display of affection we have ever had. It isn't rushed or overly lustful, it is simple and purely romantic.
I breathe him like the drug he is to me and I feel his head tilting for our lips to meet. My lips immediately mould his softly to return back his kiss. His hands cup my cheeks to bring me closer to him.
It feels so good and natural now. I don't feel nervous about what I want to happen. It feels even better than anything I've ever had before. I'm delighted by his tenderness and his delicious taste of apple. His tongue caresses mine deepening our kiss to the passion we seem to share. It feels so natural , it amaes me. He makes me feel greater than Steeve ever did. Is that wrong?! What is so special about Ash?!
My hands keep pulling him tight to my body, but I am in a dire need of contact. I want to feel his skin, his warmth.
"Take it off." I murmur against his lips, taking back a breath before meeting his lips again.
I feel his hands on my body, sliding the shirt up, letting me finally feel his skin against mine. His lips caresses my neck teasingly until it drops to my chest. I arch my back and unclasp my bra to take it off. His eyes meet mine a second and the desire to feel his lips on my body overtakes every doubt. I nod slightly and he licks his lips to kiss his way down to my nipples.
He takes control of my body and shifts his weight on me. He crawls back and slides his lips in sloppy but extraordinary kisses on my breasts. My fingers tie themselves absentmindedly in his hair.
"Ash... I want you." I try to call him back up to satisfy the urge burning between my legs. It works.
He crawls back up and my hands immediately get on the button of his jeans to take them off as he keeps on kissing me, his arms supporting his weight on each side of me.
Once his pants are unbuttoned, I slide them down a bit as well as his underwear. I slide my hand on his erection and I get very happy to feel how hard I've gotten him, how bad I've aroused him. I pump his length gently, still growing in my hand. It's bigger compared to Steeve's, and I hear him moan in my ear. It fuels me up with a strong degree of lust that I've never felt before.
"You are so hard..." I let out, ravishing under his weight, a hand caressing his cheek under the passion of our kisses and the other still pumping.
His hand meets mine on his penis and I take this opportunity that I have my hands free to take off my panties.
"Ready?" He asks me, looking right into my eyes.
I take his cheeks with both of my hands and kiss him with everything I have. I have never been more ready. My legs circle his waist, my sex is meeting his. He penetrates me slowly, but he doesn't have to. He got me wet all night. It shouldn't be that hard. And it isn't. But there's a small psrt of me that holds me back from letting myself go entirely.
My moans echo in his mouth as he breaks our kiss to gain speed. He comes and goes quickly, with a marvellous rhythm, and a length that gets deeper than I have ever felt before.
"It's so good..." My back arches and my head tilts back. "Mmhmm." I cry out, kissing him one last time.
As soon as our lips are apart, he slams hard and deep into me, reducing the speed, but it's worth every thrust. My legs fall on each side of him, spreading wide apart to grant him more access, pointing my toes hard into the mattress.
"You are so sexy..." He murmurs to my ear and bites it on his way back to my lips.
It takes a little time, but I feel it get to me. I feel pleasure spreading through my body. I'm going to come soon and I thank god for birth control, because I don't want him to pull out. I have never felt that intensity before. I certainly don't want it to stop. This is getting so good. So... good!
"I'm going to come, Grace." He warns me, but by saying that I hold my breath and it feels like my whole body is under spasms.
Oh my... Oh my God!
I gasp for air, moaning loudly, despite of myself. It feels so good. I didn't realise how hard I was tugging his hair until now that my high is done.
"Come inside, baby, it's OK." I whisper to his ear, before kissing my way to his lips, tasting the salt of his sweaty skin.
Just like that, I feel his warm jet, emptying him inside of me. It feels good to feel it. I obliged Steeve to always wear a condom because he comes too soon, but that, with Ash, that was perfect. It was a hell of a lot better than anything I've ever felt before.
He growls against my mouth and stays stiff a couple of second before I hug him tight to my body. He completely lets go and falls on top of me. I run my hand through his caramel locks, our skin sweating against each other's. We stay like this until it becomes too hot and I get up to get my glass of water on the dresser.
"Well, that was nice." I say as I take his shirt and my panties, put it on, and get back between the sheets next to him. I get awkward a second feeling the wet spot on the sheets, but I don't care. I've never felt better.
He took off his pants, but kept his underwear, and pushed all the blankets at the end of the bed to cool off. I offer him my glass, from which he drinks half the water, while I'm getting comfortable by his side. He gives it back to me and I empty my drink, ravishing to the cool feeling coming down my throat.
"It was really nice." He looks at me, his upper body pressed against the headboard.
We smile at each other without a word, until I decide to be really honest.
"This was actually the best I've ever had." I admit and his smile widens on his lips.
"I wouldn't mind it happening again... Would you?" He takes me in his arms and I lay my head on his chest.
"I wouldn't mind at all... It kind of sucks that we only get to see each other each couple of weekends... Plus, you are going on tour soon Sophie told me..." I sigh and play with the hair on his chest.
"I am..." He whispers slowly.
"We can still be friends, you know... With benefits, of course. I don't think I could forget you that easily." I lift my head and look at him.
I definitely could not forget him, not after tonight. He is the first person with whom I feel free to be myself.
"Friends..." He whispers, finding my hand and intertwining our fingers together.
All of these affectionate signs are making it hard for me to not feel something for him. I already feel more than enough as it is.
I kiss him one last time, but I have a hard time breaking it, always wanting more. I step back and slide deeper in the bed, ready for sleep to get me. I let myself drift softly, being adorably caressed by a gentle arm around my waist.