I have always regretted cheating on my ex-girlfriend during my first-truly-healthy relationship. I believe it was the second semester of ninth grade; Karishma and I were nearing our second month of being together. I was on Snapchat and was talking to John Doe/JD-I am changing the name of the guy because I am still friends with him and don't want to put him in the spotlight-when he started to make a plan to hook up. We had been talking for a little more than a month, and started to really get into each other about two weeks before Kari's and I's 2 months. I was drawn to John because he was funny and witty and he had a sweet heart. Anytime that I would dis myself, he would say, "No that's not true". He made me feel like I wasn't as shitty as I portrayed myself. He was the first and only guy to make me feel good about myself and accept me for who I am.
It surprised me that John was interested in me because I am not the typical confident girl, my tastes are unique. I don't ooze with confidence and I certainly don't fit the regular mold of a typical teen girl—someone with a lot of friends who wears a lot of makeup who cares about themselves and how they look. I would not use these words to describe myself. I would say that I was really cringy, into anime, and super self-conscious
John, on the other hand, is a gorgeous athlete who is popular, a guy who could have any girl in this grade. He was funny and he made me laugh. He already had a popular, gorgeous, volleyball-player girlfriend. I don't even like sports so I couldn't help but wonder why John would be interested in me. But he was and this is happening. Whatever the reason, this was exciting and it made me feel happy.
I looked forward to seeing him and I would anxiously await his Snapchats messages. He had me swirling a little bit, and then there was the side of me who couldn't stop thinking about Karishma - my adorable, current girlfriend. She is super sweet, caring, and she always made sure everybody is happy. She is a super sweet person....so why would I be interested in John if Karishma was so awesome? Feeling too many emotions didn't sit well in my stomach. I was excited and concerned, giddy and nervous, happy and scared. None of these feelings made sense and, yet, I kept pushing through this moment.
It had snowed the previous night and a little bit that morning. John and I had agreed to meet up at the Subway just across the street for the high school. While I was in my mustard yellow tank top and gray camo joggers, John ran up to me while I waited to cross the street.
"Hey!" I said in surprise. I thought he was going to show up a few minutes later after me.
"Hey, so are you ready?" he asked. Lust glinted in his eyes, and he clearly tried to hide it. All I could do was nod. I had butterflies in my stomach, but they weren't good ones. I dismissed them as nothing and opened my mouth to continue the small talk.
"John! Hey how are you?" A female voice said behind us. He turned to look at her and gave her a hug. The little walk light came on across the crosswalk and the group began to walk. He was at first walking never to me, but then dropped back to be with the girl who had just spotted him. My heart sank. My heart, my soul, my moral compass was screaming at me to stop, but I didn't. John and I weren't friends before this plan. The only times we talked was over Snapchat and a few "hello's" and smiles in the hallways. But this hurt, I could feel pain in my chest. I knew I was doing something wrong to Karishma, but I was also so excited to have John's attention. I didn't know what to do. He was about to do something with me that I had never done before, and never thought I would ever do in this way. I just kept walking, trying to hide the pain and confusion that was clear in my face.
We planned how we would do this. We both had an off period so we would meet at the Subway to hang out. The trip across the parking lot went far too quick. I blinked maybe twice, and then I was inside of Subway. John walked into the men's single bathroom with a lockable door and texted me to wait until the two people who were ordering left, or sat down. I said okay and waited. This was wrong. I knew it from the start, but now the fact hit me like a freight train. Suddenly, it occurred to me that we would be very secluded in the bathroom and I am not a stupid girl, I was nervous so I texted him:
ME: okay. i'm getting a really bad feeling about this. it's not nervousness but i'm just getting some bad feels about doing this. i'm sorry but i don't think i can do this today.
ME: i'm sorry really but fuck i just can't
JD: Ok, just come in here and we shall-I love that he said shall, makes me laugh-talk ok just seriously come back
ME: no dude i just can't i have a really bad feeling about this
JD: Well can you come in here and at least talk about it
ME: i can't i'm sorry i just can't
John then explained to me that he understands why I was so nervous, although I was truly feeling fear, and that we had planned this for a while now. I knew all of this. I mean, I planned this to, but he didn't understand.
ME: i know but i just can't. i have a bad feeling that we'll get caught and i don't think i'm okay with this. over snapchat it isn't cheating but actually going through with it it is and i don't want to cheat
ME: i'm sorry
JD: Well how about if you do this today never again ok one time then strictly snap chat we only got 10 minutes
ME: i trust you. i really do. but i mean i've been having this bad feeling in the back of my mind for a while
JD: Well me to but then I thought it out trust me I would not be doing this if I was sure it was not going to get caught
JD: Please just come in here and talk to me if you're that sure
ME: and if we do get caught we are fucking screwed
ME: fine i'll im going to do is talk
JD: Ok the. Get in here
JD: it's unlocked
ME: i'll talk outside
JD: Please just get in here
JD: I'm not going to force you I just want to talk
ME: i know you wouldn't force me but i'm willing to talk outside
JD: Well I think we should talk in here if we talk outside people will see we are talking out there and assume shit if we are in here they won't see us they can't spread lies
JD: Just get in we have waisted enough time over text
ME: i know but i just have the a terrible feeling about this.
JD: So maybe I can ease it get in here girl
I knew he was trying to calm me down and get me to stop freaking out by call me "girl," but I knew that this feeling of fear, of devastation, of misused trust was never going to go away.
ME: i'm sure you can-note the very sarcastic tone-but i just feel like we'll get caught and i can't have that and neither can you
JD: Well then how many people are here
JD: Cause I'm betting it's not very many and they won't see you going into the bathroom give me 2 minutes
JD: I'm waisting my time as well as yours being here at this point
JD: Did you leave?
JD: No I get it at this point just a whole thing to see if I would actually go get it
JD: I mean I guess it's fine who gives a fuck anymore
ME: that wasn't it
JD: No I get it no need to explain whole thing was just to get my hopes up
By this time I had texted my girlfriend asking her to walk down to Subway and come get. I couldn't move. I was frozen to the spot I stood. I was unable to walk away. I knew that if she would come down here, and I saw her beautiful face, I would come to my senses.
She came down and got me. I started to breathe normally again, the panic in my lungs, heart, chest, leg, feet, and mouth melted away when her lips briefly met mine. I smiled and opened the door for her, and led her outside and back to the school. We walked hand in hand into the building's warmth and heating system mother nature had not yet adopted for some reason.
I let go of her hand and hugged her. I hugged her so hard that I thought I would break. She hugged me, rubbing my back in a soothing manner.
"Pretty please, no going to Subway for a panic attack again." She said to me, still hugging me. I nodded my head in agreement. I knew if I said anything, I would break down sobbing and tell her everything in a jumbled mess. I couldn't do that. I couldn't tell her during school. Just break her heart, leaving her crying then say, "Off you go to you're next class, have fun?" No way in Hell.
But I knew, I knew I had to tell her. I knew that I had to break my girlfriend's heart. Something I had promised her I would never do.