I look once more at Emi's letter, the enigma of its wording. How close Tadashi had been to us all this time, yet how separated we had felt from him.
Jun seems to have been shattered to the point where she can hardly put herself back together. Each night since the one in the garden, I fall asleep alone, only to wake with her in my arms.
Whatever she had told Shogun Fujioka a week ago convinced him to allow Rika to accompany us once more. She refuses to write about that conversation as much as she refuses to tell us what truly happened with Hikaru.
Some portion of her voice has returned, but Jun speaks little unless she deems it necessary. Rika and she spend far more time talking quietly than she does with me. Yet it is my arms that she seeks when the terrors of the night drive her from sleep.
"'Two days' ride to the east,'" Rika says, startling me out of my musing. "Emi shelters her secrets well, but sometimes it would be kinder for her to merely tell us everything we need to know."
I tuck the letter away and mount up, looking towards the lady. "It is the way of all shinobi to keep secrets. Their currency is secrets, blood, and death; therefore, it should come as no surprise that Emi does not tell us everything we wish to understand."
"I fear that she is even more cryptic than Saiko at times. Why would she not tell us to begin with where he was, rather than give a message to one who is just as likely to keep it as to give it to us? And why did she address it to you? I am the one who is destined to marry him, not you," she demands.
"I know not the answers to any of the questions you have asked, Lady Fujioka, and I think it likely that I never shall," I answer before setting my mount into action.
Jun is waiting for us outside of Nakakanai, her eyes staring off towards the light of the rising sun. Only when I came to a halt next to her does she direct her gaze towards us. "This is the last time I shall ride somewhere as Lord Amachi Junichi."
I have enough time to catch the faint light glancing off the tears in her eyes before she turns away from us to point her horse east. Rika exchanges a look with me as she goes to catch up to Jun, who is already riding off without us again.
Were those tears of relief for the end of her deception? Were they tears of despair for the releasing of the person she had been for seventeen years?
Our ride that day is quiet, the sound of our voices piercing the air startling the other two. Jun seems distant and withdrawn within herself.
Rika comes abreast to my horse and leans slightly towards me. "Have you noticed how different Jun seems now? "
"Her world has unraveled itself," I answer quietly. "This is the journey to let go of the only identity she has ever known to take up one that she is still uncertain about. Whatever the shinobi did to her in the gardens did not help; I fear that her night terrors are getting worse with time."
"Perhaps we should have held off on this journey despite Jun's insistence. This could end up causing more problems that she will have to deal with," Rika says, concern creasing her brow dangerously.
"I am fine," Jun injects, fixing us both with a look. "The longer we delay, the more chances there will be that someone will discover what has occurred."
Her still-hoarse voice falls silent once more, and she rides ahead. Lady Fujioka stares after her before whispering, "We are far enough away from Nakakanai now. I will see if Jun wishes to stop."
Rika catches up to the other woman and says something to her. Jun glances back towards me before replying quietly to whatever she had told her.
"We are going to stop for a bit, Ryuu. Do you mind watching the horses?" Rika calls back to me. The two of them have directed their mounts in my direction, and I am surprised to see a stunning smile stretching across Jun's face.
I shook my head, feeling as mute as Jun has been the past week. Carefully, I dismount and reach for their reins as they swing down from their own horses. Rika pauses for a moment to grab a bundle before the two of them disappear behind a ridge.
The horses and I, by comparison, stare at each other for a long moment before they decide they want to graze, and I sink to the ground to wait.
Soon enough, I can make out the sight of them returning, and I get up to reach for the horses' reins, sure that they will both be ready to go.
I stare overly long at my horse's neck, not really seeing it but not wanting to look back towards Jun and Rika. I can hear their footsteps getting closer to me before a light hand touches my shoulder.
"Ryuu," Jun whispers, "whatever is wrong?"
I turn to look at her, the words in my mouth dying in one swift exhale. She looks at me with a quizzical expression upon her face, body clad in a feminine kimono and hair done up with combs.
After ages, I manage to say, "Jun..." as I reach a shaking hand towards her face.
"No, Igarashi Ryuu," she tells me, a light smile caressing her lips. "It is Sakura, the name that my mother gave me. No longer shall I hide behind the identity of Amachi Junichi. That name no longer belongs to me just as I no longer belong to the clan."
I kiss her then, feeling a slight sigh escape her when our lips connect. Only when I find I need to breath do I pull back and reply fiercely, "You will still belong to the clan; it will be as my wife, not as my leader. My name shall be yours, my loyalty yours, and my blood yours. For while I have lost my leader, I have found something far more precious: someone to stand at my side as long as breath remains in our bodies and blood courses through us."
Jun...Sakura stares at me for a long moment before she starts weeping. Without warning, she tugs herself out of my arms and rushes back the way that they had come. I can only stare after her in mute silence, wondering what I had said wrong.
"She just needs time," Rika mutters, noticing my stricken look. "There are insecurities there that only Sakura can conquer. As much as you wish that you can slay those demons for her, you cannot. You have never been in her position, and you cannot live her life for her. Just give her time, and I promise that Sakura will come back to talk to you."
We set up camp there, not wanting to wander far when she was not with us. I leave the single tent to Rika, choosing instead to sleep next to the fire. Sakura still has yet to return when the dark veil of night falls. Rika decides to retire, leaving me to stare into the flickering flames alone.
Long after the fire has begun to fade to embers, I see a shadowy figure steal into the tent without sparing a glance towards me. A surge of relief courses through me along with a sharp cut of rejection. When will I stop saying the wrong things?
However, knowing that she has returned is enough to soothe my mind into the lull of sleep.
A hoarse scream yanks me from slumber, and my fingers tighten about the hilt of my katana. There is barely enough light for me to see the woman tearing out of the tent to throw herself into my arms.
My hand drops from my weapon, taking in Sakura's wild-eyed look. She clings to me as if she does not dare to let go lest the shadows chasing her take hold. Like I have done for every night since Hikaru died, I return her embrace, whispering quietly in her ear until the shudders subside.
"You should find someone else," she says at last. "Someone less scarred, less damaged, than I am. A woman who has never been through battles, who has never been left behind, who has never had to hide who she truly is. You and I would just lead to heartbreak for both of us."
"I don't want someone else. I want you with your scars, your imperfections. You are the only woman who will understand what I endure on the battlefield because you have been there," I reply, running a hand across the top of her head. "If your father had not raised you as he did, we would never have been in this position."
She pulls back far enough to glare at me. "You are correct. You would be married off to some woman who knows how to run a household, not trying to marry one who knows how to run a battlefield. You would not have to worry whether your wife would manage to keep her mouth closed when men are discussing the latest battle, or even have to worry about what they would think when they find out she can fight just as well as any man.
"You would not be in love with a woman who, every time she closes her eyes, remembers the feel of a man's hands against her throat, the panic that rose as she felt her life flee her grasp. A woman who can hardly stand the dark because it reminds her of lying half-unconscious under a bush, wondering if anyone would find her."
"I love you!" My voice startles one of the horses as well as Sakura, who stares at me with wide eyes. "Do you not think that I have gone through all those things over and over again? If I was worried about any of that, I would not have said I wanted to marry you. I don't care if you are not the proper wife. I don't care that you know how to wield a katana or a knife because that saved your life. I don't care if you wake up every night in terror because I will be there to hold you.
"Whether you are Junichi or you are Sakura, I love you, not because you are the perfect woman, but because you are the only person who has ever managed to make my heart soar. I want to look at our son one day and tell him how his mother is one of the best warriors I have ever known. I want to teach our daughter how to wield a knife just like her mother. I want to share every moment with you, whether it is good or bad. All I want is you, which means that I want everything that comes with you."
I release her and get up to prod at the fire, emotions flowing through me faster than I could handle. After a few long moments, I feel her kneel next to me.
"Do you truly mean it, Ryuu? I never want you to wake up and regret the fact that you married me. I never want you to leave me because you cannot stand to listen to everything they say about your strange wife. I never want you to regret me."
Sakura's voice drops on the last words, and I turn my head to look into her eyes. I can see my face reflected in them, see the love that is etched into every line as I look at her. "I will never regret marrying you, Sakura. Had you been raised as a girl, you would have been married off to someone in another clan, and I would have never gotten to know you as well as I do. There is no one I trust more to watch my back and guard my heart for the rest of my life."
I touch my lips to hers gently before murmuring, "I will never regret you."
With those words, I see the last of her walls drop, and she wraps her arms tight around my torso, resting her head against my heart.
"I love you, Amachi Sakura, and I will say those words every moment for the next forty years if I must," I whisper, feeling the coolness of her silent tears soak into my clothes.
And in the stillness of the night, I hear her whisper back, "I love you more, Igarashi Ryuu."