October 15th
When he had received the call, he had been surprised, scared even. Well, absolutely terrified. He hadn't expected to hear that one voice ever again, he had always believed it was done, definitely over, that there was nothing more to say. He hadn't moved on, not entirely, he knew it each time he would look in the mirror and shed tears on the scale. But he thought she had moved on. He had assumed she hated him now, that she had also probably spread rumours about him already. It was sad, thinking the only person he used to trust and cherish could do that to him. But she had called. And here he was, in the café they used to sit and work on college assignments together. He was waiting for her, incredibly anxious. His heart was beating hard and painfully in his chest. His throat was dry and his hands sweaty. It was never planned, it was not how it was supposed to happen. But he didn't mind. He had shared his life with her for about two long years. No matter what happened during those months, it had happened. It was supposed to happen. Just like he was supposed to break up with her and fall for a boy. That was meant to happen and he could never change things. But he couldn't deny the fear hammering his stomach and crashing his lungs.
When she arrived, he was surprised, shocked even. Because she was not wearing any expensive pieces of clothing like she used to. She was wearing one of his large Adidas hoodie and one of his pair of Adidas sweatpants. It reminded him he had never even taken the time to pick up all the clothes he had left at her place. The hood was covering her hair and she looked exhausted. She had no make up on although he knew how she loved using it and playing with it. She walked toward him and when she flashed him a smile, he noticed how fake it looked, almost as sad as his. Louis stood up and opened his arms with a soft smile plastered on his thin chapped lips. After a second of hesitation, Tamara slid into his embrace and they wrapped their arms around each other. That relationship had hurt him, badly. It had thrown him on the cold floor, naked and beat him until he couldn't breathe anymore. It had slashed his heart with sharp blades, over and over again. Her words had slashed his flesh. It happened, yes. But she was her, just her. This girl standing in front of him, hugging him, she looked more like the one he had met years ago than the one he had broken up with some months ago. And it felt reassuring. It comforted him. She hadn't pointed out his weight or his outfit yet and he hoped she wouldn't. It felt too good to end. Too nice to stop it and go back to the pain. When she let him go and stepped back, her eyes were glassy. She slid slowly on the booth and he did the same in front of her.
"I ordered your favourite hot chocolate." he said, pointing at the drink in front of her.
She smiled and nodded, without a word. She looked at him through her lashes for a while, silent. It was heavy and tense for a while, none of them talked, dared to say anything. None dared to open their mouth to break the painful silence and make more painful noises. She was so silent, so calm, looked so sad and tired. He had rarely ever seen her like that, probably never if he was completely honest. Of course questions was burning his tongue but he kept them in, shushed them. He observed quietly as she sipped a bit of the drink, licking her upper lip to get the whipped cream off and sat straight.
"How are you feeling?" she suddenly asked.
Did she expect him to say he felt bad, to say he was miserable without her? Did she expect him to say he needed her near him, that he could never live without her by his side? Was it all an attempt to get him back? He plastered a large smile on his lips, stretching them as his cheeks went up and crashed his eyes painlessly.
"Pretty good, college had started again and it's great, I missed it. What about you?"
Once he was done lying, she crossed her arms over her chest and looked down to her laps. It didn't seem to be the answer she was expecting. It didn't seem to make her happy to know he was feeling good, even without her. When she slid the hood off her head, showing her hair, he stopped breathing for a moment. It was short, really short. Her usual long waves were more tight and messy on her head. It was almost as short as his and he couldn't bring himself to say anything.
"I tried." she said, silently.
He frowned. He couldn't ask anything because he had lost his voice somewhere. Her long hair was now gone, although he knew how bad she loved it. She used to take care of her hair for hours, just because she enjoyed it. She used to enjoy running her fingers through it, enjoyed braiding it, straightening it, curling it. She used to love to spend huge amount of money in product to try and make it more shiny, even though none worked. When Tamara looked up to him, some strand of her brown curls falling over her face, he was not sure he wanted to hear whatever she was about to tell him. Her eyes were too glassy, too red.
"I tried to be him." she suddenly said. "Your new man. I tried to be him."
He wondered if it was a joke. Was it a joke, a prank pulled up by her and her friends to humiliate him in a public space? Was it a wig she was wearing, hiding her real long hair. Was she trying to hurt him, to trap him? Louis couldn't breath, nor talk and he was simply waiting for her to talk, to add something.
"When she told me you broke up with me because you were gay, I was mad." she added, looking away. "When she told me you fell for this curly haired boy, I was just... sad. I wanted to be him. I wanted you back, I couldn't tell you because I didn't want to look desperate. But, when I understood you couldn't love me anymore because... because you liked boys, I turned crazy." she paused, tears filling her eyes.
Louis thought he was about to pass out. His heart was beating so hard, so fast he could feel it vibrate in each bone of his body. Droplets of sweat was rolling onto his cold skin. He gulped, frozen. It could not be real. All of this, all around him, Tamara, the café, the people and her words hurting his eardrums. It could not be real. It was not possible. He couldn't even try to understand and comprehend any of her words, they were just falling into his brain and burning his scalp. He could have just rip his hair off if he didn't remind himself he was in a public place. She took a quick glance at him before staring at her cup.
"It started simply, I looked for his social media, I searched for hours. Days. I only had his name. When I found his Facebook page, it just exploded in my face. I stared at his pictures for ages. I looked nothing like him, or maybe I did, that's what I tried to convince myself. I spent so much time comparing my face to his. Every single detail, I could probably draw him out of memory now. I wore your clothes, hoping you didn't lend him yours. When I fell asleep in your sweatshirt I hoped you weren't falling asleep in his. At first, I only wanted to try and dress like him. I bought lot of shirts and tried them. I wanted to be him. I thought that maybe, if I looked more like him, more like a man, you'd take me back and forget him. But I was getting out of hand. I stalked him and almost harassed your sister for a month, so she could tell me things I didn't know about him yet. Some weeks ago, I did this." she said, tears rolling down her cheeks, pulling on a piece of her hair. "I tried to cut it just like his, as you can see, it failed badly. It looks terrible, I know..."
She stayed silent. Or maybe she was talking, all he knew was that he could not hear anything anymore. His heart was beating too fast in his chest and echoed in his ears. It was almost painful. He felt lost, he could not understand anything. What was happening? What was she truly trying to say? That she wanted him back? Or that she hated him for liking a boy? He didn't know if he could ever get that confused. None of what she was trying to tell him really made sense to him. He was frowning deeply and when he looked back at her, she was looking at him with glassy eyes. She looked so sad, seemed almost broken.
"I am sorry I did that to you..." she started, her voice heavy.
"Did what?"
She pointed at him.
"All of that. You look pale and I can almost see your bones through your skin."
He frowned, even more confused. What was all of this supposed to be about? Had she planned on coming here and rambling about whatever she had in mind, no matter how confusing it would sound to Louis? It was painful. He didn't know if he was supposed to say anything. He was trying his hardest to think of something. Thousand of words were crossing his mind, but none was making sense.
"No, I know it's not our break up... It's the way I treated you when we were together. Félicité told me that too. For over a month, she opened my eyes on how bad I treated you. I took you for granted. I really did, I thought you loved me, that I was good for you and you'd always stick up to me. I didn't think I needed to tell you how good of a boyfriend you were. I didn't think about telling how good you looked and how nice you were. I know how bad I was and I am sorry if I am the one who pushed you to do that..."
"Do what?" he asked again, more confused.
"To look like that, scarily pale and overly skinny."
Louis pulled up onto his collar, trying to hide his collarbones. He felt embarrassed. He hid his hands into his sleeves, trying to warm his thin fingers. He had kept Harry's sweater from the other night, maybe he had simply forgot to give it back. He was only probably using it as an excuse for the fact he didn't want to give it back. It was thick, soft and warmer than any of his clothes. He hadn't washed it yet and it still smelled like Harry. He stopped himself from lifting the collar to his nose and breathing in. He just looked at Tamara. Words were missing. He didn't know what he was supposed to say or if he was supposed to say anything. Was she expecting something? It was all very stressful to him, his hands were sweating even with his his cold palms. He felt sick. His stomach was begging him to run to the bathroom. The apple he had taken about thirty long minutes to eat earlier could run up his throat any moment. He sighed and pressed one of his hand against his stomach, he was almost shivering and he swore his chest was about to explode.
"I am not gay." he said, looking down to his laps.
Although he couldn't see her, he could still feel her eyes focused on him. She was probably judging him, badly. Louis had never planned to tell Tamara he was dating someone else, and he wouldn't have told her it was a boy. It was too much. He would have never wanted her to know, it was not how it was supposed to go. But he was pretty sure he was not supposed to see her ever again. She looked so different with her messy short brown curls. She sounded even more different though. Tamara was nicer than he had ever seen her act before. It was strange, a bit too weird to seem real.
"You don't have to deny, I am not a homophobic Louis. I am not judging you, this is not why I came here. It actually explains why you didn't want to get intimate with me at the end... Or why it seemed like you were forcing yourself to."
"No but I mean I am not gay... Or, I don't think so... I just, I like him. But I liked you. I liked spending time with you. I don't want you to think I used you in any way, that you were some sort of cover up for whatever I was hiding. You and him are the only people I felt something for, that I was attracted by. I can't call myself gay because I liked those years I spent with you, I didn't force myself, at all. Toward the end, the reason why I... spaced out our intercourses was not because you were a girl. It was because I didn't feel like showing my body. I felt too bad about myself and generally really down that I had no desire. I am sorry if it made you feel bad."
"I know I pressured you to sometimes and I am so sorry about that... I shouldn't have done that." she added, almost like she hadn't heard anything he said. "I feel so guilty Louis. You can't even imagine. Now I look back and feel horrendous. I treated you terribly. I shouldn't have done any of that. You were such a great boyfriend and I realised that. I knew you were. You had always treated me like a princess, I was so spoiled and I knew it. I knew how lucky I was to be treated like such a special person. But I took you for granted, I never felt the need to give you back anything you gave me. I was so selfish... I had my head so far up my ass I couldn't see the pain I put you through and..." Louis cut her rambling off quickly by putting his sleeve covered hand onto hers.
He looked at her, his blue eyes glassy and he was shaking his head gently. He couldn't let her do that, let her drag herself down like that. He would never let anyone do that, even those who had hurt him at one point. Maybe it was because he had done it himself for so long. He had felt this pain, the guilt and self-hatred for so long. He could not let her do that. Maybe she had done mistake, but as long as she realised that, the things she had done wrong, it was all good.
"Stop doing that. You don't need to do that, to say any of that about yourself."
"Will you forgive me then?"
He was scared she meant more than forgive her. What if "forgive me" meant she asked him back? He couldn't look at her and tell her no. He couldn't look through her watery eyes and tell her no. It would break his heart a bit. But, of course, he could never go back in a relationship with her. No matter if she looked like she had changed, there was Harry now. And he would never be able to let him down. Louis knew too well he had hurt him already, too many times and he even wondered why Harry was still with him. Tamara must have caught the look of panic crossing his eyes because she smiled sadly and spoke up:
"I don't mean going back with me, don't worry. I just, I just need to hear you forgive me so I can try and move on. I can learn from my mistake and try not to do the same in the future."
He nodded, looking at her fingers she had wrapped around his on the table. She smiled and stayed silent, waiting for him to speak up, to pronounce the words she had wanted – needed – to hear for such a long time now.
"I don't think you have done anything so bad that you need to be forgiven for, but okay, I promise you you're entirely forgiven." he said with a soft smile plastered onto his lips.
"Thank you Louis. Tell me, does he treat you right? Your boyfriend." she suddenly asked.
Was he supposed to talk about his new relationship to his ex girlfriend? Ex girlfriend who didn't look really over him yet. That would probably be a bit cruel to throw it at her face like that. He didn't want to hurt her, to hurt anyone really, it was the last thing he wanted. Louis was pretty sure he was not supposed to talk about his boyfriend to her. If there was a constitution for what was right and wrong to do with an ex partner, he was pretty sure talking about a new boyfriend was in the wrong part.
"He's kind, yeah." he simply said.
She nodded, running a hand through her short hair. He could not realise she had done that to her hair, just in hope she would look like Harry. It sounded so crazy, unbelievable. She had never seemed to be the kind of girlfriend who would try and do whatever possible to get her ex boyfriend back. He could hardly believe it.
"I am happy if he treats you the way you deserve to be treated..."
Obviously, she didn't look happy, no matter if she plastered a smile on her lips. He felt bad, really bad to see her like this, to know he was the one who had made her feel sad. He wished she had move on already, he wouldn't have to witness the sorrow on her face. She was about to speak when Louis' phone rang loudly in his pocket. He grabbed it and took a look at the caller ID: Harry. He looked up to Tamara and she nodded, showing she wouldn't mind if he picked up. After he slid his thumb across his screen, he brought the phone to his ear.
"Hello?" he started looking at Tamara who was drinking silently.
"Hi, baby." Harry almost shouted happily.
Tamara must have heard him because she looked down, her cheeks suddenly pink. She took a phone out her pocket and focused on it. He stood up, he couldn't stay here and talk to Harry in front of her, he didn't want to be disrespectful.
"Wait for me, I'll be right back, okay?" he said, a smile painted on his lips.
She nodded shyly and went back to her phone screen. He walked away and left the café, sitting on one of the bench against the wall.
"Who are you with?" Harry asked, suddenly less cheerful.
Louis hesitated, he didn't know if he could be honest and tell Harry. He knew he was a bit jealous, but that wasn't the bad side of jealousy. He had never burst angrily and yelled at him when he talked to anyone. He would only get slightly bothered.
"With Tamara." he said.
There was a really long silence after he spoke up. He could barely hear Harry breathe.
"Tamara, like your ex girlfriend Tamara?" he asked, even though he knew too well Louis only knew one.
"Yes, she wanted to see me."
"And of course, you couldn't say no? Because Tamara is such a nice person, right?"
Louis was surprised by the heavy ton of annoyance he could hear in Harry's voice. It was really rare. He sighed a bit, he didn't know what to expect if he spoke up again.
"Har-"
"No. No "Harry". I know how she treated you, she was a real bitch to you, I know that, I witnessed it at the park that one day. But you just agree to see her again? I am pretty sure if I asked you to see you tonight, you'd say no, because you need to be alone. I respect that, I totally respect that you need to be alone, I respect you don't want to call me or answer my texts. But you don't say not to her? You say no to your boyfriend but yes to your ex-girlfriend... How am I supposed to feel about it?"
"Harry, come on, don't be..." but once again, Louis was cut off.
"Don't be what? Jealous? I am more angry than jealous, really. Angry because she turned you into an insecure skeleton, and I try to shut up about how worried and scared I am for your health, how afraid I am when I feel your bones under my hands. I am so scared, Louis... And I am scared she will put you down even more, drag you down and you'll feel even worse. I am scared, terrified Louis! Don't blame me for being crazily in love with you."
His voice broke in a sob at the end and Louis felt his heart tighten suddenly in his chest. He was shocked at how quickly it escalated. He hated hearing Harry crying. Listening to his sobs at the other end of the line just made it worst. He couldn't try and comfort him, hold him in his arms. No, he could only listen, useless.
"I can't tell you now because I don't want to talk about her while she's waiting there. And we can't have this conversation over the phone. I am coming home Saturday, will you want to sleep over? We'll talk then, okay?"
"Fine, whatever."
And before Louis could reply, Harry hanged up on him. He stared at his black screen for a couple of minutes, rubbing his forehead. He was scared, he didn't want to mess this up, to mess this relationship up. Not after he had told his mother and sisters. Not after he had realised he had fallen in love with him. He couldn't break it all, couldn't let it fall apart in between his hands. He was too lucky to have Harry. He wrote a short text before coming back into the café. When he sat down in front of Tamara, he hit send.
To Harry: "Don't be angry, she knows I am dating you, she knows I moved on and she isn't rude right now. Come to my house Saturday night, we'll talk about whatever you want."
He slid his phone on the table and looked back to her with a sad smile. He quickly apologised for his absence. She shook her head and put her own phone back in her pocket.
"It was him? Is he mad you're here with me?" she grimaced, looking genuinely worried.
"A bit... Only because he thinks you hurt me." he said, shaking his head and shrugging.
"I did, he's right." she said in a sad whisper.
☼☼ 3 931 words ☼☼
Hi everyone, it was the 37th chapter and I hope you all liked reading it.
Yes, I brought back Tamara, did it suprise you to find out what happened and what she had done after the break up? No worries, this is the last chapter she is in. I just wanted to bring her back and focus one chapter on what happened to her.
It is not a very interesting chapter, I know, I know and I am sorry about that, no worries, there will be more Larry in the next chapter!
What about a little rambling, it's been a long time since the last one. I just wanted to get a bit cheesy now. All of my rambling always have a link to the chapter; so maybe you already know what this one will be about. I just wanted to talk about something that is very important to me, telling others how we appreciate them. I know this may sometimes be pretty complicated to do, because not everyone is very open with their feelings and emotions. I personally rarely talk about my personal issues to my friends, never to my family, I need to face them by myself. But you, maybe you have a hard time expressing what you feel for others. We're all different. I've always wanted to make people feel good, I've always complimented them, whatever if it is on their appearence or on their personality (we don't compliment that enough, although that's the most important thing about a person). And I feel like it is very essential to make our friends, family or our partner feel loved. (I do have a hard time expressing my feelings to my family). I always try my best to tell my best friend and partner how much I love them, how incredible they are and how I care about them. No matter if you're a she, a he or a they, just tell others you love them, because whenever they leave, you won't have that chance anymore. Words aren't always needed, you can't say "I love you"? Give them a tight hug, cuddle with them, show them you care and love them. I must be very cheesy, but hey, I'm a very cheesy person. We shall tell/show people we love that they are important for us, that they matter! Don't take anyone for granted, cherish them.
I love you all, and I am very sorry for that very long rambling! I hope you liked this chapter! Thank you for reading, seriously, this is absolutely crazy and I can't thank you enough!!!
Take care of you and have an amazing day ♥
-Lisa-