Chapter 24: Visiting Day
Date: Dauntless Initiation – Stage 1 / Baby Natty is 6 months old (July 15)
*Tris POV*
Natty chews on my finger as I carry her to the dining hall. She still doesn't have any teeth, but with how often she has been gnawing on my hands and anything else she can get to her mouth lately, I think the first might pop up soon. She is six months old today, and my heart aches thinking of Mother. There are so many milestones she is missing: Natty reaching six months old; the impending first tooth; Natty even has been getting up on all fours and rocking back and forth this week.
A week has passed since my birthday—a day that is more memorable by the many arguments I had with Four—especially the last one, during the truth or dare game—rather than the party itself. He never did come home that night, but has slept at the apartment every night since, and we never did discuss our issues. I suppose we never will.
Four has, however, been really helpful with the baby this week when he is at home. The other day, I was in the shower with my hair all lathered up with shampoo... and heard the baby start to cry. I called out that I'd be right there, trying to reassure Natty with my voice until I could hurry and at least rinse my hair to get out of the shower, but Four yelled back to me. "I've got her, Tris. Just shower for goodness sake! Take your time," he called out. It was so nice to have his help and to know someone I could trust, who Natty was comfortable with, was keeping her happy and safe. In the end, my shower was actually relatively relaxing.
I enter the dining hall, and as though he was watching for me, Uriah spots me right away and jumps right up. He just adores Natty and wants to hold her anytime he sees her with me; Uriah coming right over to take care of her while I get a plate of food is our usual mealtime routine, and today is no exception.
Yesterday when Uri and I were walking through the compound together, it was the same—Uriah holding Natty as we walked. I am thankful that she has so many people in her life that love her here at Dauntless. I remember that as we were walking, we bumped into Four, and he didn't say a word to us; barely looking at me, his eyes resting on Uriah holding the baby, he just frowned and kept walking. I have replayed that moment many times in my mind since then; I wonder why he reacts that way sometimes. Is he judging my parenting again? He offers to help with her himself; he can't be thinking that I shouldn't accept help from my friends, could he? Sometimes—often, actually—he is a puzzle I don't think I will ever solve.
"There's my little sweetheart!" Uriah coos as he reaches his arms out for Natty. The baby smiles and babbles at him, and Uriah baby talks back to her. They are so cute together sometimes, it's like they're having a real little conversation.
Soon as Natty is settled into Uri's arms. I can't help smiling at them. "Thanks, Uri, as always. I'm just going to grab a plate of food; I'll be over in a few minutes."
"No problem, Tris! You know I look forward to my time with Natty! No rush." I wave at Natty before he turns and walks with her back to the table to sit back down with our friends, and I make my way to the food line.
++o++
*Four POV*
"Hey, Mom wanted me to ask—what are you doing tomorrow, Four?" Zeke asks as we walk into the dining hall together. "Cause she's doing this whole dinner thing for Visiting Day, you know? Shauna will be there, and you know Mom sees you as a part of the family. My apparently growing family. Mom is really excited that Uri is serious enough about Tris to include her and her baby."
I scratch the back of my neck. I make a point of laying low on Visiting Day; I don't really think Marcus would ever come to visit me, but I don't want to take any chances. I also do really like Hana—Zeke and Uriah's mother—and appreciate how warm and caring she is toward me.
However, I'm torn this year. If Marcus allows Natalie to come visit Tris, I'd really love to see her. On the other hand, I don't want anyone to know where I come from or that Tris and I were once "family", so that may not be a good idea. Zeke's made some comments in passing about Tris and Uriah's relationship, he still has no idea it would matter to me. Of course Uri will invite his girlfriend; the question is, will Tris have time to go to Hana's and also visit with her mom? While I'm not sure whether Tris will be there... if she does, it would hard for me to be there with them and watch her with Uriah, being included as a part of his family.
"Uh... I'm not sure yet, Zeke. I was kind of looking forward to a day to myself, but I'll think about it," I reply. I know it's lame not to commit to an answer, but I just... can't right now.
Zeke frowns but then shrugs and claps me on the shoulder. "Okay, man. Just come by Mom's place around four o'clock if you want, alright?" I nod in acknowledgement.
On our way to the table we always sit at with Shauna, Lauren, and a few guys Zeke sometimes hangs out with, Zeke taps my shoulder to get me to wait as he stops at Uriah's table. "Hold up just a second. I need to remind Uri of that dinner thing tomorrow, I'm not sure if he knows what time yet." I nod, standing behind Edward, who sits across the table from Uri. Baby Natty is sitting in his lap, smiling at Christina, who sits to his right, as Zeke reminds Uriah of the timing of tomorrow's family dinner.
But then Natty turns her head and sees me standing there. Out of nowhere, she begins lunging forward and fussing. Uriah jerks forward with a start to make sure she doesn't hit her head on the table in the process.
Within moments her quiet fussing has turned to all-out cries and Uriah is calling out to me. "Four, she wants to see you, c'mere."
Why is Natty doing this?! She was fine a moment ago, then she saw me and flipped out. I glance around for Tris; I do want to hold Natty, I really enjoy the time I spend with her and hearing her cry as she tries to reach me is pulling at something inside me. It's almost painful not to snatch her right out of Uriah's arms.
But I don't feel like I should without Tris's permission—she entrusted her to Uriah. He's Tris's boyfriend, and I am just her roommate. I'm sure Uriah spends a lot more time with Tris and Natty than I do. I remember running into them yesterday, Natty in Uriah's arms as he walked through the compound with Tris. I mean, it seems like they're getting more serious; it just doesn't seem right for me to take the baby from him. If Tris were here to give me the okay, that would be one thing, but she's in the food line, too far away to easily check in with.
I run my fingers through my hair, unsure what I should do, and Natty shrieks even louder and reaches her chubby little arms toward me as Uriah again tightens his hold on her so she doesn't jump right out of his arms. He seems completely unfazed by Natty's apparent preference for me.
"Come on, Four! Don't be mean to the baby. It's obvious that she wants to be with you, so take her! Say hello to her. She won't bite," Uriah urges me, now holding her out toward me with his hands firmly around her ribcage under her armpits. I feel my face flush as my friends and the initiates laugh at Uri's implication that I'm afraid of a six-month-old baby and finally concede, scooping Natty into my arms and holding her close against my chest.
Natty immediately stops crying and smiles up at me. She squeals in delight and gives me a big, wet, drool-filled kiss on my chin. "Thank you, Natty," I laugh—her kisses are always more like she's trying to eat you. I see her bag next to Uriah's seat and quickly make my way to it, grabbing a burp cloth to wipe both my face and hers—she always seems to be covered in drool lately. Tris says we'll probably see a tooth pop up soon.
As I finish wiping Natty's face, I feel someone's stare burning into me and glance around, soon making eye contact with Tris. She is still in the food line, her face serious, the corners of her lips turned slightly downward. I immediately straighten; is she upset with me for taking Natty from Uri? This is exactly why I was so hesitant to hold the baby. I really enjoy my time with her and I don't want to do anything to compromise it, and I don't like it when Tris is angry with me, either.
Tris sees me looking back at her. When she smiles and waves, I feel the tension drain from my body. I smile back, relieved that she doesn't seem to be mad after all. Things have been a little awkward since our last fight and I hate it. I hope I wasn't too harsh with her that night—I was just so worried about Natty, and disappointed that Tris would put her baby in a situation like that. I've been to enough Dauntless parties to know that it is no place for a baby—certainly not with the alcohol and dares that were going on that night. Putting Natty in that environment at all was questionable to say the least, but to leave her there while she went out on a dare... anything could have happened.
A heavy, tired feeling settles over me, as it does every time I think of that fight—which has been often this week. I feel like I have spent hours upon hours analyzing my reasons for being so upset. I mean, I have no claim over Natty, she is by no means mine, in any way. I wonder if part of the issue... is that as much as I want to be done with Tris, I do still have feelings for her—even after all this time, even after everything that has happened. Tris is even more beautiful than the day I left her. Everything that made me fall in love with her in Abnegation is still there, and now she's also just... Dauntless. It's something that was always in her, but that ferocity and determination has risen to the surface and she has blossomed here. How could I help but be drawn to her that much more for it?
That night, if I'm honest with myself... I was jealous. I was jealous of all her friends, who she enjoys spending time with, and I wish she felt that way about me. The words she said to me that night—though, admittedly, provoked—have not left me.
"You can just go to hell!" she had hissed at me. "You are nothing to me. You are an instructor when we are at training, and just some roommate I got stuck with." I still remember the way she trembled in anger. "You have made it very clear time and time again that you don't give a shit about me, or my child...my 'illegitimate baby' as you called her earlier today," she had reminded me.
And how could I possibly forget my outright lie moments later? "You are right, I don't care about you." And why wouldn't she be angry with me? I cringe thinking about it.
Even as angry as we were with one another, I knew I didn't want to continue fighting with her. It was clear that we both needed some space. Zeke was reluctant to let me stay with him as Shauna was planning to stay at his place that night, but he can read me well enough to know that whatever went down between Tris and I—though I gave him no details—was not good.
I haven't brought that fight back up, and Tris hasn't either, and I know neither of us intend to. I just hope that soon, that bit of tension that has been humming in the background all week will disappear.
++o++
The next morning, I prepare to check on the transfer initiates, who will soon be in the Pit to see whether their families came to see them for Visiting Day. I can't help but notice that Tris is moving more slowly than usual as she prepares Natty's diaper bag. I expected her to be excited at the prospect of seeing Natalie, but instead, she frequently worries her lip and her shoulders are slumped. Her demeanor leaves me puzzled and a bit concerned.
I clear my throat. "Are you excited to see your mother?"
Tris turns toward me and just stares at me for a moment, frowning. I frown back; I have this awful feeling, a weight in the pit of my stomach, that something is wrong.
"No one is coming to see me today, Four," Tris says slowly. She opens her drawer in the dresser and pulls out the clutch, the one the necklace fell out of. I remember that there was a paper of some sort in it when I put the necklace back, but I didn't pull it out to see what it was.
As Tris carefully tucks the clutch into Natty's bag, I take a few steps closer to her. "Tris," I say. "Why won't your mother come today? Because of Marcus?" I suppose he might stop her. I remember how my father adored Tris's mother, though. I think she could talk him into blessing her with the opportunity to visit to her daughter and granddaughter.
Tris scoffs. She slowly turns to look at me, squares her jaw and straightens her back. She looks tense all over, angry, but her eyes well with tears. I don't understand what is happening right now. I feel like I missed something. Something big.
"Thanks to your father," Tris says coldly, "Natty is the only family I have left. I'll never see my mother again. She's dead."
The words hit me with such force that I stagger backward with their impact. When I find my balance, I sidestep to her bed and sit down on it, gripping the quilt in my fists to keep me grounded. Dead? How can Natalie—kind, selfless, vibrant Natalie—be dead?
Tris's eyes are red and glassy, but somehow, her calm façade does not crumble. I open and close my mouth, still trying—and failing—to get words out when she continues. "Your father beat her to death," she spits.
I reach out for her. I need to hold her. As I wrap my arms around her narrow frame, that façade she's kept in place finally crumbles. As she sobs into my chest, I am reminded of the first time we met, on the roof of the funeral home. I was her comfort then, a safe place in which she could finally stop holding all her emotion in, and I will be that again now, even as I am reeling at the loss of a woman I loved and considered to be a mother to me, as well.
I remember Marcus hitting my real mother, Evelyn. He would lock me away in the closet or my bedroom as he did it, but I could hear it happening, and the memory of what I heard still haunts me. When Evelyn died, Marcus turned on me next.
Suddenly I am overflowing with questions, the shock giving way to adrenaline that courses through my bloodstream. Did he hit Tris, too? Did she become his new punching bag after Natalie died? How long did this go on? And why didn't Tris tell me before today?!
Tris continues sobbing into my chest, her hands fisting my shirt. "Tris," I murmur into her hair. "I'm so sorry. I didn't think..." I truly believed that they would be safe. Natalie was the perfect Abnegation wife, and he adored her. When Tris arrived here to Dauntless, it never even occurred to me to worry that he might have hurt them. It was never a possibility in my mind.
I stay silent, comforting Tris in my arms as her sobs begin to die down. I don't intend to let her go, but then Natty starts fussing, and quickly that becomes crying. Tris starts to get up and I put a hand on her shoulder to stop her. "I've got her," I assure her. "Stay here."
"She needs her bottle," Tris says, her voice thick and nasal in the aftermath of her tears. I grab the prepared bottle from the diaper bag before Tris has a chance, and scoop Natty up from her blanket on the floor.
I am about to begin feeding Natty her bottle when Tris stops me. "Let me, please. Taking care of Natty... it helps me feel closer to Mother. It's calming." I nod slowly and hand her the baby. We both scoot back on the bed so that our backs are to the wall, side by side. Natty's eyes are locked on Tris's as she gulps down the formula.
I have lived with Tris and Natty for a month now, and I loved Natalie, too. I can't believe she kept this from me! "Why didn't you tell me before now?" I ask bitterly.
"Didn't think you'd care," she mumbles.
I gape at her, unable to fathom how she could possibly have come up with an idea like that. "Of course I care," I grumble. But then I think of the way I treated her that last day in Abnegation, how callously I spoke about our love and what I supposedly wanted from my escape to Dauntless.
But I did mention Natalie just a few weeks ago... and Tris didn't mention a thing.
"I said something about your mother just a few weeks ago, when you dropped that stack of pots and pans," I accuse. "You can't expect me to believe that it didn't occur to you that maybe I'd want to know that my own step-mother was dead!"
Tris looks away and huffs. "I didn't want to talk about it, Four! You and I haven't exactly been on the best of terms this past month. Do you understand that I literally watched my mother die? Do you know how hard this is for me to think about let alone say out loud?!"
I sigh. I'm still upset that she didn't tell me, but there's nothing that can change that now. So I will push my hurt and anger aside. For now, at least.
"Did he hurt you, too?" I rasp, my voice hoarse and thick. "I mean, did he hit you or lock you away?"
Tris shakes her head. "No. He used me to keep Mother from fighting back. He said that if she stood up to him, he would hurt me instead. When I would hear it start... I would always find myself locked in my bedroom." She shrugs. "Better than that closet, I guess." I close my eyes, again remembering the sounds of belt hitting skin and Evelyn's agonized cries. I never wanted Beatrice or Natalie exposed to any of this. "Then after Mother was... gone... I lived with the Blacks until my Choosing Day." I release a baited breath, relieved that at least he never harmed Tris.
No, he never physically harmed Tris... just tortured her emotionally by abusing and murdering her beloved mother.
There are still so many unasked questions, but one in particular echoes again and again. "Tris... I don't understand why this is the first you've said anything to me about your mother. I loved her, too, you know."
The rage burning in her eyes catches me off guard.
"Because you left us with him! You knew what he was capable of, what a monster he was, and you just left us at his mercy! Then, to top it all off, you just had to leave that damn blue sculpture out!"
I tense and lean a bit away from her. What does my mother's sculpture have to do with anything? Yes, I left it as a message: one final act of rebellion. I think I was entitled to that much after so many years of suffering by his hand. And I tell her so.
"He beat me senseless for nine years, Tris. Wouldn't you want to leave with one final 'screw you' if you were in my shoes? I think I was entitled, I don't see how leaving a piece of blue glass on my desk could have possibly hurt anyone." I'm defensive and annoyed and there is no hiding it in my voice.
"Couldn't possibly hurt anyone?!" Tris yells. It not only startles me, but even Natty stops drinking her bottle and jumps, then whimpers. Tris takes a deep breath to calm herself, then reassures Natty before continuing. "He came home that night and found that damn sculpture and he ranted and raved about it for hours, Tobias. What a rebellion on your part! Leaving it out, while you were safely away at Dauntless, never to see him again! He went on and on, like a raving lunatic, about how he didn't know what was going on in his own house, and he wouldn't stand for it. Mother motioned for me to go into my room so I did. And then I found myself locked in, listening to Marcus's belt hitting my mother... listening to her cries..." And again, Tris is sobbing, and I can hardly stand it.
I close my eyes and run my fingers through my hair, tugging at the ends as if feeling the discomfort will keep me rooted in reality... stop the world from spinning out of control around me. It never occurred to me that when Marcus found that sculpture, when he reacted to it... that someone else would take the brunt of it. I truly believed that he adored Natalie too much to ever lay a hand on her. He had even spent that morning lecturing me about choosing the right wife; I believed what he was saying to me, and I believed that Natalie, the perfect Abnegation wife, would never bear his wrath because she would never provoke him as I did and as Evelyn evidently had. I thought that Beatrice was safe both because she belonged to Natalie, and because Marcus simply didn't give a damn about her. He didn't care enough to want to make her better.
She makes her point well. A leopard doesn't change its spots, and Marcus has always needed someone to take his anger out upon. Tris is right, I left that statue there when I knew I would be out of his reach. I didn't think through the possible ramifications of that decision—I didn't think of how Marcus might expel that anger.
It has been a long time since I last cried. I learned long ago to push away my emotions; at a young age, I became an expert on shoving my grief into a little box in the back of my mind, tightly locked away from the surface of my conscious thoughts. But the grief and guilt that floods me now can't be shoved quickly enough into the little box my mind is creating for it. The tears are hot and a little sticky as they stream down my face—not like water in the shower, as I might have expected them to be. The deep bubble of emotion that rises from the deepest parts of me is unfamiliar and when it expands to my limits, it surfaces as a loud, choking sob.
I don't deserve to hold Tris right now, but I don't care. I wrap my arms around her and sob into her hair. Natty is still in Tris's arms, so I wrap myself around them both. "I'm sorry," I choke out in a hoarse whisper. "I'm so sorry... I didn't know... I didn't think... I... I thought you were both safe. You were supposed to be safe. I'm sorry."
I expect Tris to push me away, but she doesn't. We cry together, and Natty stops drinking her bottle and stares at us with her little eyebrows pulled together and a frown between her chubby cheeks. I don't know how long it takes us both to stop crying and settle into the shaky, choppy breathing that follows an emotional meltdown, but by the time we have, Natty has fallen asleep in Tris's arms. I slowly release my hold on Tris and reach for Natty; she hands her to me without protest, and I carefully settle Natty into the crib, careful not to wake her, before returning to my spot next to Tris on her bed.
"Um..." Tris says with a quavering voice, "do you know of any good places for Natty and I to hide until Visiting Day is over? I still don't know the compound well enough. I'm afraid Marcus might come visit and I don't want him to see me and Natty. I don't think he even knows that I got her back from that Factionless couple and I want to keep it that way."
I frown; I have a special spot by the Chasm that I like to go to when I want to be alone, where no one will bother me. No one ever comes down there; very few even know how to get to it, or that it's possible to. The chasm is a perfect place to hide... but I immediately rule it out. It would be a terrible place to spend any length of time with a small baby, and it would be dangerous to get Natty down there, too. It's also too cold, especially for an extended amount of time.
I might like to share it with Tris one day, but not today. I know of a few other hidden places we could hang out for the day, though.
"There are a few places I could show you. We should wait for Natty to take her nap before we go anywhere, anyway," I say slowly. "I seriously doubt he would come here, though, and we can just avoid answering the door in the meantime."
The idea of Marcus ever laying a hand on Natty—or Tris, for that matter—nauseates me. I will never let that happen. Never. My guilt for what has happened these past two years feels like bricks on my chest, ready to crush me. But the grief... for Natalie, for all Tris has lost... Grief is not as heavy as guilt, but it takes more away from you.
"Tris, look at me," I say firmly. I need her to know I am serious about what I am about to say. She doesn't quite meet my eyes, so I wrap my fingers around her chin and tilt it upward to fully face me. Our eyes meet, and I sense this energy in the air...a sort of tension. It feels familiar, but it's faint.
"Tris, I need you to know this. No matter what—whatever happens between us, friends or enemies—I will always protect you and Natty from Marcus. I'll do anything, I swear to you. I won't let him hurt either of you in any way ever again."
Tris's mouth falls open as if she is shocked by my declaration. We are so close... six inches apart, and I hold back the impulse to close the distance between us and instead stay still, staring into her eyes. Her hand finds my cheek, cradling my face, as she leans in and her lips softly brush my opposite cheek. A tingling feeling is left where her lips just touched my skin as she pulls away from me, her cheeks gaining a hint of pink. I frown when I see the tears in her eyes. I hate to see her cry, and I have seen it too much today.
Tris shakily breathes in as she leans in again and throws her arms around me. I hesitate for only a fraction of a second before I pull her closer and wrap my arms tightly around her, burying my face in her neck, inhaling the sweet, faint honey & apple smell of her hair.
"Thank you," Tris whispers softly in my ear.
"I'm sorry I didn't protect you. So fucking sorry, Tris," I whisper.
We stay like that, holding onto each other tightly. My hand gently rubs small circles on her back and one of hers plays with the curls at the nape of my neck. After a minute I feel her begin to pull back, so I do too, each of us slightly loosening our hold on the other, but not letting go.
We just look at each other for a moment, still holding one another. Tris somehow ended up in my lap, and I hope she doesn't notice and decide to move away, because I want her there, close to me. My heart breaks again every time I think of all she has been through and I want her to stay here in my arms, where I can protect her from any further hurt the world wants to inflict.
Tris's eyes flick to my lips and my heartbeat picks up. Does she want me to kiss her?
Should I?
I am still wrestling with my decision when she leans in and presses her lips to mine. They are as soft and warm as I remember, and we still fit together so perfectly. Her kiss is a little tentative and I kiss her back harder. I feel Tris's hesitance fade away; her hands tug at my hair as mine roam her back, and we both tilt our heads further in opposite directions, pushing the kiss deeper, more passionate, more urgent.
I bite her lower lip and she parts her lips to let me in; our tongues twirl together, exploring familiar territory. I lose myself in the moment, and she pushes herself against me. My hands run slowly up and down her sides and I smile against her lips when she lets out a low moan.
We are abruptly ripped from our reverie by Natty's wail. Reality crashes down around us. What the hell was I thinking? We were caught up in the moment...that's all. She is still my initiate after all. We still have a very complicated history, she is my roommate, and most importantly, she is still dating Uriah.
"I'm sorry," we both blurt out as we scramble away from each other, and we smile awkwardly.
"That was my fault. But we shouldn't have..." Tris says, no longer meeting my eyes, and she hops off the bed to run to Natty.
I huff and run my fingers through my hair. "No, it was both our faults, Tris. But you're right, that was—we shouldn't have..."
"It was a mistake."
"Yeah," I breathe. "A mistake. We... we'll just forget about it."
"Never happened," she agrees, and I nod at her, swallowing thickly. Just forget about it.
Is that really what I want?
It doesn't matter. It's the way things are.
++o+ Chapter End +o++