H A R R Y
More than half an hour she's been in that restroom. The food has already been laid out before us, Ben whining about it getting cold if Luella takes any longer. Kate's frown matches mine and I set my jaw, glancing over the restroom's direction again.
"Does she normally take so long?" Ben grunts. "Guys, let's just eat, she'll be back soon."
"Wait," Kate says, stands up and smooths down her dress. "I'll go check on her."
I sigh in relief and lean back. Ben is close to weeping as we watch Kate make her way to the restroom. But coming in the opposite direction is, the one and only, Poppy Nolden.
I clench my jaw when she gives me a lopsided smirk and look away. But to my surprise (and great relief), she doesn't stop by our table and cling onto me, she continues on her way and I couldn't have been any more grateful for the freedom.
Hopefully, she gave up on me, realized our relationship was nothing serious and moved on with her life. Hopefully.
"Dude, are you still not talking to Pop?" Ben asks.
"Er, yeah. Since that argument we had because of-"
"Because of Luella," Ben snickers, shakes his head a little.
"What? How did you know about that?" I glance at the unblinking restroom door.
"I'm hurt," Ben acts out and I close my eyes before opening them back to look at him with boredom. "I'm hurt that you don't tell me your life updates anymore. I mean, if you're screwing around with Luella, you could've just told me, man."
"I'm not screwing around with anyone." I interject, turning to him completely. "And Luella is not one to screw with. She'd probably burn that term to hell."
Ben narrows his eyes at me. "You're whipped," I think he says.
"No fucking way," I scoff. "I'm not whipped, you jackass."
"Ooh, you are, pal. Look at how your face fucking lit up when her name was mentioned!"
I frowned deeper, parting my lips in no words and glancing back in the restroom direction.
"Oh, fuck, Styles is finally whipped!"
"Cut it out, Ben, or I swear to God-"
"Have you confessed yet?"
"Ben."
"Did you make a move? Oh, shit, did you two-"
"Dammit, Ben!"
"Alright, alright," Ben laughs and throws his hands up in mock surrender. Pats me on the back of my shoulder and smiles genuinely. "Nice going, bro."
"Fuck off," I murmur, shrugging his hands off of me. "I am not whipped."
"You are whipped, mate."
"I will whip your fucking ass if you don't drop it."
Ben laughs.
"She's... We're not- It's not like that, okay? Shut up."
"Didn't say anything,"
"Fuck. Just...argh."
I bring the bottle of champagne the waiter had brought earlier, attempt to open it skillfully and succeed. Turning the glass flute upright, I pour down some of the classic red wine and press the lid to my lips, taking a huge gulp to burn its way down my throat.
"Why didn't you say anything?" He asks again.
I shrug and decide to keep it short. "There's nothing to say, Ben."
"I don't get it. No offense. Luella still doesn't seem like the type you'd go for. But if you're getting it -you know, getting it- I want to know about it. I want the whole freaking report."
"This, actually," I said. "This is why I didn't tell you. It's just not like that."
"Hey, boys," A hesitant voice makes our heads snap up to meet Kate's appearance and Luella's...nonappearance.
My eyes involuntarily search for the missing girl. "Where is she?"
Kate purses her lips and takes her seat in front of Ben's, next to Luella's empty one. "Luella decided to call it a night. She's on her way to the apartment, I don't know what- I couldn't stop her, she's-"
"What happened?" I'm positive something is just not right. "Did someone bug her? Is she sick? Fuck, I knew it was better for her to stay home. Is she okay?"
"Mate," Ben grips my arm and I realize I'm off my seat and he's looking up at me. "I'm sure she's fine."
"She's not fine, no." Kate murmurs, a frown creased between her brows and her blue eyes raise to glare at me. I'm so baffled that I can't form a coherent sentence. "If you hadn't popped up into her life, she would've been just fine!"
"What? I haven't done anything!" My lips are parted and my heart aches a little too much at her next words.
"If you're together with Poop whatshername, why would you go ahead and screw Luella over like that? You senseless bastard, I could kill you-"
"Guys, calm the fuck down. Let's not cause a ruckus in here, yeah?" Ben tries, but fails. I shrug off his hold on me and turn around, my feet carrying me to her table. Silver's table.
She's not too far away and she's definitely not alone. Sitting around the table are Sean, Maggie, Ken and Tim. The group.
"Poppy," I try to make my voice sound calm and posture steady, not giving away any signs of rage or anger, to say the least. She looks up, startled and glances around at everyone else's surprised reactions.
"Harry?" Even her voice is annoying.
"Harreh, my man! Wh-" Sean starts but shuts his mouth when I raise my hand up in a not-so-polite way to silence him.
"We need to talk," I direct to Poppy, sternly. "Now."
"Why? Is there something wrong, babe-"
"Don't," I grit my teeth, "fucking call me babe."
I think I hear someone gasp, another snicker, and the rest gape in silence. I don't recall ever talking like this to Poppy, or any girl for that matter, in front of anyone. I never needed to. Maybe that's what she needs.
"Listen, I don't care if I make a scene, alright? I will say what I want to say, wherever and whenever I want to."
"Harry? What's goin' on, mate?" Tim stands up, resting his hand on my shoulder. I stiffen, making him drop it back. Glaring at Poppy, I nod once.
"Why don't you tell them, Pop? Tell them whatever the fuck you told Luella!"
Poppy gulps visibly, her eyes sweeping all over the confused faces of the others. "Who's Luella?" Someone asks and I want to laugh. Luella is indescribable.
"Sir," I snap my head to the side, a waiter in sight looks concerned. "Is everything alright?"
Before I could open my mouth to reply, Ben is at my side and I can see Kate standing a few feet behind. He clasps me on my shoulder and says to the waiter, "Everything's swell. Sorry, we'll be leaving right away."
The waiter nods and leaves quietly but reluctantly. Poppy is fidgeting with her hair, trying to seem casual and smug about it as people start to shamelessly eavesdrop and stare.
"Harry, let's go," Ben squeezes my shoulder and I make a point at giving Poppy a good glare with a disgusted look.
"Fucking fool," I murmur under my breath and stiffly follow Ben and Kate outside. Apparently they've had the meals packed as takeaway and coats already on. My blood is still boiling under my skin, running cold in my veins at the same time.
It's raining.
"Dammit!" I, unlike the cautious couple, carelessly step out into the heavy rain and look right and left, searching desperately for half a silhouette. "There are barely any taxis around in this bloody city when it's raining."
"Oh, Luella..." Kate's probably tearing up, and Ben is at her side, stroking her head comfortingly.
If only Luella had come to me, I would've comforted her like that. I would've done something. But no, she always has to run away.
I grip my wet hair to the back, breathing heavily. Rain droplets hanging onto my hair.
"The flat," I'm determined as I turn around to Kate. "She said she'd go there, right?"
Kate nods, then shrugs. "Yeah, but how would she get there if there are no taxis?"
"We'll keep our eyes open on the road and the sidewalks on our way."
I signal to Ben and he gets it, tries to balance the bags of meals hung from his fingers as he tries to get the car keys out of his pocket. Throwing them to me, I catch them.
"C'mon, I'll drive," I tell them. "She'll be there, she'll be safe."
"Yeah. Hear that, babe? She's okay," Ben comforts Kate.
My heart constricts harder at the thought that Luella feels pain because of me. I had a role in her pain. A pain caused by Poppy.
Fucking Poppy.
L U E L L A
"You're a nobody,"
Poppy had so maliciously stated.
My blood is not circulating around my body anymore, gone cold and merciless. I am dead.
Well, I definitely would look dead on the outside, but I also feel dead on the inside. I don't bother hugging myself to keep warm, although I am quite shivering from the cold. For no reason other than maybe drained energy, I was sat on the top stair outside Kate's apartment.
My head rested against the cold wall, my arms and legs numb from exerting too much energy running in the rain. I could feel my lips chapped and dry as my mouth. My hair hates me for the most part; I can feel it an angry storm around my head.
My face is as hard as stone, damp with almost dried tears and rain droplets. My flats lay beside me and I'm barefoot, foot over the other. Maybe I shouldn't have worn this mini dress that is so small it got so wet so easily. And, to add to my pitiful misery, I have forgotten my coat back at the restaurant due to my rushing.
"You have nothing,"
"You have no family."
If I had a family, they would be by my side right now. They would soothe me, they would comfort me, they would hold me tight. They would tell me they're here, that I do have a family. And if I had a family, this wouldn't have happened in the first place.
It's strange. How hollow I feel.
Like there might be echoes inside of me. Like I'm one of those chocolate rabbits that are sold around Easter time. The ones that are nothing more than a sweet shell encapsulating a world of nothing.
I'm like that.
I encapsulate a world of nothing.
"...someone so low level."
"You're a nobody."
And lately, I'm not sure if they're wrong. Poppy, Estelle, the world. Lately, I'm not sure of anything. Lately, I don't know anything about anything I've ever believed in; like I could have friends, for instance. (I ruined Kate's night. She wanted to spend a quiet night with me and Ben, and I ruined it.) Not anymore. And I know the least about who I am.
I stay, I sit, I count the seconds. Until the feeling stops. Until the tears stop spilling, until my fists stop shaking, but my heart never stops aching.
There are never enough seconds to count.
Once I hear footsteps hurriedly making their way closer, my ears are ringing again, my eyes prosecute to discharge their salty moisture and I'm cringing in on myself again. Kate's whispers pace the space in my head, telling me I am more, better, stronger; much more than a scared little girl. But still, I hesitate.
Because if I'm going to be in pain, I will at least do it with a shred of dignity. A piece of humanity that is still entirely mine, seems like the only thing I truly own, entirely under my control. And I will not allow anyone to take that away from me -not Poppy, not anyone.
So when Harry is the first one that my eyes capture, I can't hold myself to make eye contact with him. He looks ragged, just like his breathing. His clothes are dripping, just as his long hair and I still am baffled by how effortlessly he manages to look attractive, even at this state.
He nears me carefully, steadily, slowly; like I'm an endangered zoo animal. I can't meet his eyes when he sits next to me, the only sound beside the determined footsteps still heard is his uneven breathes.
He takes a deep breath. Says, "I was so worried about you," and shakes his head. And I feel like a property, like he was worried about his phone or his car. But maybe it's because I don't catch his eyes when he says it, because his eyes are a wonderland within themselves, talk louder than his words.
And I shake my head, stand up abruptly and almost fall, my knees wobbling from the effort. No. I have been dying for an excuse to fill my mind with things that have nothing to do with my own thoughts -and that is Harry.
Harry is an excuse for me, a distraction.
When he's around, I don't feel like Orphan Luella. I just feel like Luella. And maybe I'm not just Luella, maybe being an orphan is who I am -what I am.
But Harry's a strange kind of masterpiece. His eyes shoot magical rays at me so that I'm in a different realm, away from this. And that's not good, never good.
Cacophony overwhelms me.
I think Harry stands up beside me but I'm not too sure, because I'm focused on fixing what I've done -or try to. So I focus my gaze on Kate and Ben who were running up the stairs. Ben doesn't seem to have a problem, just making sure Kate wouldn't fall over.
She's panting heavily. "I'm fit, I swear."
"Right. I know. I know." Ben looks like he's protecting this relationship.
When they finally look up at me, they look relieved but still concerned. I manage to smile, pretend I can't feel my face shaking from the effort.
"Luella!" Kate is suddenly fitter, jogs up the stairs and engulfs me into a hug and I'm baffled by gravity and how we didn't fall over and break our heads. "Are you okay?"
I nod. "I'm fine, you're overreacting."
Kate pulls back, gouges my eyes out with hers, holding my shoulders in place as if she thinks I'm losing my mind. "You sure? Then why are you sitting out here?"
I try to relax my shoulders, try to look normal, calm, when I say, "I'm fine. Really." I drop my eyes. "Just think I lost my key to the apartment...and it's a little cold, that's all."
Harry shifts behind me and in a second, I feel the rough texture of his waterproof coat on my shoulders, his fingertips brush my skin for .1 of a second. Breathing. I'm so bad at breathing.
I shrug the fabric off my skin and hand it out to him, looking at the ground. "Thanks," I say. "I'm going inside now anyway."
So, so bad at breathing.
09:43PM
It's awkward. Too awkward.
No, scratch awkward. Suffocating. It's suffocating me to stay silent.
But I can't ruin this for Kate, the only one who's been actually genuine with me in the Outside World.
I don't have to be a total disaster for everyone.
I even refused to take something of Kate's to wear after I've taken my long shower, I picked out my comfortable wide light blue jeans that had rips on the left knee, and topped it off with a green sweater. Then got rid of it and put on a white one instead. (Don't tell anyone, but green is the color of his eyes.)
He's uncomfortable, too -for what it seems. Harry hesitated to sit beside me on the floor (Kate and Ben had already taken the couch) but he eventually decided not to make things any more intensely awkward so he sat on the other side of the low rectangular table we placed in front of the couch, the food laid out on top.
Ben is pissed they left the wine bottle behind, though.
"We go to the one restaurant that is known for its ancient, great wine cellars in town, and that is the one thing we forget. What did I do to deserve this, Karma, you bitch?" He'd whined earlier.
Netflix is on, Kate and Ben are cuddling. And when my eyes glimpse Harry's, I'm electrocuted all over again because he's staring and staring and staring. And he's so quiet.
Well, he wasn't that quiet before I continued to solidly avoid him when he tried to talk to me. He tried to offer some explanation, the same old explanations. He'd probably say something like, "I like you but we don't mix well."
Stupid me. Stupid, stupid me.
"Hey, Luella," Kate pauses the movie playing, making Ben groan when she sits up straighter to look down on me and pout dramatically. "Could you make some more popcorn? Pretty please!"
I muster up a smile and nod. "Of course," I say and stand up, happy she's happy.
"Thanks, babe!"
I walk over to the kitchen and I'm thankful for the isolation, even if it's for a few minutes. But like every other moment I'm by myself, Harry takes advantage of that and follows me. I hear his footsteps nearing and feel his presence too far from me.
Continuing my plan for the night, I ignore him completely. Reaching for a pot from the lower shelves, I place it on the stove and move to get the oil bottle.
"Are you really not talking to me?"
W̶h̶a̶t̶ ̶d̶o̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶ ̶t̶h̶i̶n̶k̶?̶ I don't answer.
"Fine," he huffs, shifts from a leg to another. "Fine! Don't talk then."
D̶o̶n̶'̶t̶ ̶w̶o̶r̶r̶y̶,̶ ̶I̶ ̶w̶o̶n̶'̶t̶.̶ I don't reply.
Silence, then he sighs and says, "But I will."
P̶l̶e̶a̶s̶e̶ ̶d̶o̶n̶'̶t̶.̶ I stay silent and move to get the bag of corn from the drawer, slamming it shut after I've got it.
"How many times do I have to tell you that Poppy and I aren't together? She's unbelievable!" He hisses. "She has this crazy possession over me since senior year in high school, everyone knows."
I̶ ̶d̶o̶n̶'̶t̶ ̶b̶e̶l̶i̶e̶v̶e̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶.̶ ̶I̶ ̶c̶a̶n̶'̶t̶.̶
"If you don't believe me," he says. "Just ask Ben. Or anyone from our group. You know, I went up to her table and basically told her to piss off!"
I don't reply.
"Luella, look at me. Please don't think that I'm using you or some shit. I-I'm honestly developing some pretty hard feelings for you and I can't stop myself. I told you, I told you I can't stay away from you. I'm sorry if you hate me, but whatever Poppy said to you, she was fucking lying."
Popcorn after popcorn, they make popping sounds to accompany Harry's footsteps that I can hear louder every second.
He can startle the butterflies sleeping in the pit of my stomach before I remember that, if Harry is capable of lying in general, why wouldn't he be lying right now?
The butterflies drop dead.