"Oh my God," I breathed, walking up to him, taking in every feature. I moved a hand up to touch his face to make sure he was real. I almost gasped when he wrapped a hand around my wrist, pulling me into a hug. I felt my throat choke up, and I couldn't breathe. He was really here, right in front of me. "You're really here."
"I'm right here," he whispered into my ear, squeezing me tight. Everything else that happened in the past few hours seemed insignificant now. "Always."
I buried my face into his chest, my breathing coming back and quickening. It was almost as if I could feel the dam I'd built to stop the tears from leaking collapse, and my body shuddered with every debris that fell to the ground. Without even knowing, I heard myself let out a loud sob and I gripped his back, holding onto him for dear life. This was the first time I had cried in weeks, and it felt strange. I couldn't find another emotion to fit how I felt, and it was the only thing I could manage to do.
"I'm s-so sorry," I cried into his chest. He shushed me, running a hand through my hair, trying to console me. His breath was warm on my forehead, and I knew now how much I yearned for his comfort. It had been so long since I heard his voice, and even longer since I felt his warmth.
"There was nothing you could have done," he said. "You're the reason I'm still here. You saved me, Lease."
I felt a lump in my chest. He was wrong. Only a few days ago I was ready to pull the plug on him and let him die. If I had, I wouldn't have saved him. I would have killed him, and I'd be the reason he wasn't here.
"Excuse me," Sienna interrupted us. "But can we talk about what happened for a few seconds?"
"Yeah," Darlene said, backing her up. I stopped hugging Craig and turned to her, but I still held onto Craig's hand, refusing to let him go in worry that he'd fade away again. "I think this is something we need to discuss."
"What happened?" I heard Liam say. My eyes met his as he walked up behind Darlene, and I could see hurt in his eyes. I didn't know if he meant to hide it or not, but it was there, and it hit me hard. I instantly felt guilty, but I didn't know why. I wasn't doing anything bad, I was just hanging on to my best friend. But it was just his stare that was unnerving, and I found myself avoiding his gaze, unable to look him in the eye.
"I don't really know," Darlene said, pulling up a hand to scratch her forearm. She looked genuinely confused. I'm surprised she didn't realize that Abbey had done it. "One second, we were all getting ready to go to bed, and then he-"
She motioned toward Craig.
"Got up," she continued. "The monitors beeping started going off like crazy, so I ran over to him to see what was wrong. As soon as I got to him, his eyes were open and he was struggling, thrashing around on the bed. Then, next thing I know, I'm hearing a lot of loud bangs at the door. I thought it was you guys, and I yelled for someone to get the door. I wasn't paying attention to who did it, I was trying to help him."
I noticed that she was itching her arm more, and that her hands were shaking. I know Darlene wouldn't lie, but something was off.
"Who opened it then?" I asked, looking around. No one answered. My eyes locked on Abbey, but she was off in some fairy tale land, way too far for any of us to find. I knew it was her. It was blatantly obvious. I sighed and looked back at Darlene. "Look, it doesn't matter who is to blame-"
"I think it does," Sienna said, folding her arms and pursing her lips. Of course she would care.
"It won't do any good-"
"I think it would," she interrupted again. "I don't want to have to be brutally awoken again by something trying to rip my throat out."
"Well, you're going to have to get used to that," I said, staring straight into her eyes and challenging her right back. "Because once were out there, that's all you'll worry about."
She opened her mouth to say something, but for the first time in a long time, she closed it, thinking better of it.
I looked away from her, and back at the rest of the group.
"Now, I think that we should all get some rest tonight and discuss what happened tomorrow," I said, keeping my voice careful. I didn't have the energy to explain everything, and I honestly just wanted a few minutes to myself with Craig to talk to him, to try and figure out what happened. "I'm sure everyone is tired. I know I am. Besides, we have clean up."
"Speaking of everyone," Darlene said, looking around. "Where's Jackal?"
Liam and I both exchanged a look, realizing we left him in the car.
"Wheelchair?" I asked him, my voice coming out awkwardly as I made eye contact with him. There was so much hurt as he looked at me with Craig, and the guilt was incredibly unsettling.
"Already on it," he responded as he turned away from me, running towards the back, hopping over the dead bodies that littered the ground. I groaned internally, knowing not only would I have to talk to Liam about things, but that it was going to take hours to clean out all of these bodies.
"Hey," I turned to Craig, who's looked at me with an expression I'd never seen before. He had the simplest of smiles, and there was something in his eyes that made me suck in a breath and my heart leap. I didn't know if why he looked at me like this, but I didn't have time to focus on that, I had to help Jackal. "I'll be right back. I have to go get a friend. Just...stay here, and don't move, okay?"
"I'm right here," he said reassuringly. It was clear that I was still cautious with leaving him, and that I was even more aware of his mortality in this moment. But, he just kept giving me that smile of his and squeezed my hand. "Now go, help your friend."
"It's good to have you back," I whispered in his ear as I pulled him into another quick hug. Then, reluctantly, I let him go and turned my back to him, heading for the door. Even though I walked away from him, I could still feel his presence lingering on me, and I took solace in that, because I didn't know how long I'd be able to have him this time around and I was grateful that I had him now more than ever.
I was already down the hall in no time, making sure to keep the door shut behind me. I was thankful that the lights stayed on in the hospital, even though the ones in the cafeteria were flickering. Any light was light, and that was a comforting, useful thing in this world. If it were months ago, I'd have been concerned that snappers or people would see it, but there were almost no people left and the light was dim enough in the building that snappers wouldn't pay enough mind to know that there was food in here.
Once I was in the lobby, I spotted the car. I thanked the lord that we remembered to shut the doors, so that way no harm could come to Jackal, but I still worried about his leg. It was injured badly, and I knew that his leg could already be infected, especially with the bone jutting out. We had been gone for over an hour, and I honestly wasn't sure if when I opened that door, he'd still be alive.
I couldn't help but think how much damage that could do to Liam if he lost Jackal. Jackal is his father figure, the only person he really has left from his old life, and the only person that hasn't gone crazy on him. He had me, but I was different. I came into the equation months ago, but we only started with each other hours ago. He was important to me, and I knew that deep within my soul, but Jackal was there from the beginning. And I honestly had no idea how much of a downward spiral he could be sent on by the death of someone he's loved since he was young.
I neared the car, using the illuminated lights from the lobby to see. The windows were tinted, so I couldn't see through them. The only way I'd find out anything is by going up to car and opening the door.
I cleared my throat as my fingers wrapped around the handle, the cool metal sending a shiver up my spine. Before I pulled, I listened for any sound, trying to hear any sign of Jackal being turned. When I heard nothing, I pulled the door open slowly, pulling the hunting knife out of the sheath I had around my waist. I held it up, ready to strike, as I examined Jackal.
My eyes started at his leg, which was jutting out at an awkward angel. It was still dark, but I could see that his jeans were bloodstained. Next, my eyes moved upward, and I noticed that his stomach rose up and down steadily, which meant that he was probably alive. I still held my knife up, just in case, though. Lastly, my eyes laid on his face. His skin was pallid, his mouth was slightly open, and his eyes were half-way closed, and I knew he was near death.
"Lease?" I heard Liam call out behind me. I turned away from Jackal, my knife still raised. He let go of the wheelchair handles and gave me a cautious look.
"Help me get him," I said, ignoring the horrible feeling I felt as I spoke to Liam. My hands moved to my sheath, and I unbuttoned it, fitting the knife back into it. Once I did, I made sure it was secure and turned back toward the car.
Liam walked over next to me with the wheelchair, then moved in front of me to try and get Jackal out. He hesitated touching him at first, as his eyes wandered to his bent, broken leg. It was strange being in such a close proximity to Liam in this moment, and I still lied to myself, saying that I didn't know why. But the way his presence affected me was suffocating, so I backed away from him and walked around to hold onto the wheelchair for when Liam would lower Jackal into it.
Liam pulled Jackal forward, and once he did, Jackal let out a scream of pure agony. Liam stopped moving him immediately, stepping back for a few seconds. He was having a hard time with this, and I knew he didn't want to hurt Jackal, but he had no choice. Without thinking, I moved toward Liam, putting a hand on his bare shoulder and looking up into his eyes.
"I know you don't want to," I said, "But we have to get him inside. Sometimes we have to hurt the ones we love to help them."
He looked down at me, his eyes piercing mine. Except this time they were soft, and he wore a sad, tired expression. He moved past me and put his hands on Jackal.
"Please, don'," Jackal pleaded, tears streaming down his face. "Please, oh God."
"I'm sorry," Liam said, pulling Jackal forward. A loud crack sounded out, and I saw the muscles in Liam's back and arm's go stiff, along with mine. I had to take a few steps away so I didn't have to see, but mostly because I wanted to try and block out the sounds of his screaming. See, there are several different types of screams that I've come to know; the first type of scream is one of pleasure, the second type is fear, and the last type is of pain. Right now, these screams were of complete and utter pain.
I didn't turn around until the screaming had stopped, and when I did, Jackal was in the chair, his leg at an even more awkward angel than before. Liam stared at him for a few seconds, then rushed over to the side of a car, vomiting everything he had inside of him. I waited for a few seconds, letting him be by himself, because sometimes, that's what a person needs.
When he came back, he looked slightly paler than usual, but he tried to hide any distress. He walked over to the side of the car and grabbed the bag of guns, sliding them over his shoulder. I walked up to the wheelchair and grabbed onto both handles, pushing Jackal forward.
On Liam's way outside, he had made a path for the chair, which was useful. We were to the cafeteria hallway in no time. When we got to the entrance for it, he stopped.
"I thought I lost you back there," he said, not looking at me. "You scare me more than anyone, you know that?"
I looked up at him, but I didn't know what to say.
"Those bluish monster things, those...speeders," he said looking back at me. "What were those?"
"I don't know," I answered him. I was being honest, I had no idea what those things were. I liked the name speeders for them though- it fit.
"If I hadn't grabbed that silencer and that one gun," he continued, his gaze piercing me. My stomach tightened with every passing moment. "You'd be dead right now."
"Yes, I would have," I replied, trying to figure out where he was going with this. "But I'm not dead, Liam. I'm very much alive. Now, what are you getting at?"
"I can't protect you all the time," he said, clenching his jaw. "And it kills me that with one simple mistake, I could lose you. And it hurts more knowing that I could lose you even more easily with something that's out of my control."
His words felt like bullets, and struck me with an undeniable force that made me want to fall to the ground.
"You're not going to lose me, Liam," I sighed, not looking at him and putting a hand on the door. Yes, it was true, one mistake is all it takes to lose it all. But talking like this now wouldn't help anyone. "You're just tired, you're not thinking straight."
He wasn't the only one who was tired, either, and I just didn't want to have this conversation right now. I knew where it was heading, and I didn't have the answers for him. All I wanted to do was spend some time with Craig and catch up. Then, I just wanted to lay down and go to sleep.
"Maybe I'm not thinking straight," he said, letting out a humorless laugh. "But I know that losing you is not out of the question, and so do you."
He looked almost disgusted, knowing that I knew what he was getting at, and that I was refusing to acknowledge it. The sad part was that he was right.
"Look at me," I said, turning toward him and forcing myself to stare up into his eyes, nevertheless. "I'm right here, okay? I'm not going anywhere, you know that."
Right now, I just wished he would stop, but unfortunately, I knew that wasn't in his nature.
"You don't get it," he said, looking away and running a hand through his hair. I noticed his body shudder, not because of anger, but because of all the weight that was bearing down on his shoulders. I realized that weight wasn't only physical, but also emotional. He was coming to a breaking point, and it was more visible than ever. "It's not about you going anywhere, it's about...you going to someone else."
Craig.
For a few seconds, I closed my eyes. If I said I didn't know this was coming, I'd be a liar. I tried to ignore it, avoid it with every chance, but Liam would never stand for that. He dealt with things upfront, and even though he took time getting to his point, when he did, he wasn't coy about it. Right now, I wanted to deny the possibility of what he was saying. I wanted to tell him he was wrong, and that it wasn't even a possibility. Liam and I had fallen for each other over the past few months, and our feelings for each other were real. I knew they were, they had to be. When we kissed, it was electric; it brought me to life. And even now, part of me wanted to kiss him again just to shut him up, because thinking like this wouldn't help anybody and would only hurt us both. I wanted to reassure him that just because Craig had woken up, that it didn't mean he'd lose me to him. The person I wanted wasn't Craig, but him, and only him.
I bit my tongue, though, because part of me knew they couldn't deny that those words might not be as true as they were earlier. Which is why Liam worried, because he saw right through me and now, he could clearly see that there were undeniable feelings for Craig that were strong. But if I said that, I'd hurt not only him, but myself, because I knew that there was a significant part that truly did only want to be with him. By saying that I did have feelings for Craig, though, he would break away from me and it would just complicate things even more. All I knew now for a fact was that I was sick of pushing him away, and I hated hurting him, but now I'd have to choose between both of those.
I opened my mouth slightly to speak, but I felt as though the wind had been knocked out of me.
"Things have changed, haven't they?" He asked me, holding my gaze again. I wanted to tell him that he was wrong, or that maybe he was right, but I couldn't find finality in either answer. Right now, I was just tired. And once again, I was confused about my emotions.
"Jackal's hurt," I said, turning away from him with a sigh and grabbing onto the wheelchair. I couldn't hurt him now, not by telling him the truth. So, I was going to do what I did best, and push him away. "We can talk about this later."
Then, I knocked on the door, and waited. Even though we stood next to each other, we couldn't be further apart. And that's when I started to think that maybe pushing him away and hurting him were the same thing.
#
"Holy crap, Lease," Craig exclaimed as I brought him a tray of food. "We're dining fine tonight. Is this what I missed when I was hibernating?"
I smiled a little, enjoying the happiness that was etched across his face as he dug into the bean's I gave him. He'd never eaten like this in months, and having food like this was a big deal. Sure, he'd been fed on a feeding tube for months prior, but now he was awake, and could actually enjoy it. I waited patiently for him to finish eating, and once he was done, I brought his tray back up to the kitchen sink.
None of us had gotten any sleep yet, but after an hour or two, we managed to get almost all the bodies out. The only ones we kept were the two speeders, which raised a lot of questions. Since none of us really had any, though, we decided that we were going to discuss tomorrow and just turn in for the night.
"Seriously, though," Craig said as I settled against the wall next to him, leaning my head against his shoulder as I usually did. "I want to know everything I missed, starting with the hot Asian lady that saved my life."
I gave him a look, knowing that he was just joking around to make me laugh.
"That hot Asian lady that saved your life is Darlene," I said, then added, "And she's more than twice your age."
"Oh, but au contraire, age is but a number," he said, pinching my side, which caused me to let out a girly shriek. I swatted at his hand and shoved his shoulder before I resettled myself so that I was laying against it. "Now, tell me what her story is."
I hesitated before I spoke.
"She's, well," I said, biting my lip. "She's just lost a lot, like all of us have. But she is a good woman, and she used to be a doctor."
"We'll have to keep her around, then?" He asked, trying to get another smile out of me. It was amazing, seeing how just a can of food and a good night's sleep could change his attitude completely. I smiled myself just because of how nice it was seeing him like this, so full of life, just like he used to be before we left the apartment. Actually, I don't think he was this full of life even then. "Tell me about the rest."
"See the old biker dude with the injured leg?" I asked, pointing over to Jackal, who lay in a hospital bed with Darlene tending to him.
"Yep."
"That's Jackal," I said. "He's a good man. Used to be a cop, but then he retired."
"Ah," Craig said, nodding his head. "I'll guess we'll have to keep him around, too. It's always nice to have a guy with experience. I know that's why you keep me around."
I elbowed him in the ribs, laughing as I did.
"Looks like whatever Darlene had you hopped up on isn't completely warn off like we thought," I said, still laughing a little. Craig was comedic, but it had been so long since he'd made a joke, especially crude ones like that. In the past months that we were together prior to the accident in the park, he'd just be there for me, taking care of me and making sure I was okay. There wasn't much laughter or anything really. Something was different about him now, but I couldn't tell what it was. All I knew was that I was glad to have him back, but I didn't know how long this laughter and smiling would prevail, especially when he found out this set-up wasn't permanent.
"Maybe, maybe not," he said, "Now, tell me more about the others."
"That girl there is Abbey," I continued, pointing over the greasy-haired blonde girl who was sitting in front of a wall by Darlene, muttering something under her breath. "She's got schizo, and you should stay away from her at all costs."
I knew he wanted to ask why, but I knew that he knew me well enough to know when I didn't want to elaborate. So, instead, he pointed at the last person I wanted to talk about now.
"Tell me about tall, dark, and handsome with a crossbow over there," he said, pointing to Liam, who stood watch at the door. After we walked in and got Jackal situated and got all of the bodies out, we both went our separate ways. I walked over to Craig, and he went to stand watch. I'd asked him almost an hour ago if he wanted to trade places, but instead, he claimed that he wasn't tired. So, I stayed over by Craig. I knew Liam was suffering, and I hated that I was doing this to him, but Craig was my best friend, and he needed me more now than ever to explain things to him.
It then occurred to me that it wasn't completely fair of him to be upset with me for going to my friend, but I understood why he was upset. He was afraid, because I'd chosen to Craig without a second thought. Even when Craig was in a coma, I'd still go to him. It wasn't until recently that I'd moved on, but now that Craig was back, so was our history. Before this moment, Craig and I cared for each other to a point where we were more than friends, but the only thing was, neither had taken it past that, so we had remained at a status of less than lovers.
But now, had things changed like Liam said? I didn't know, but I knew that I couldn't entirely be angry that Liam was afraid, because if the situation was reversed, I would be, too.
"That's Liam," I said, my smile sobering quick at my thoughts. "Abbey's brother."
Craig gave me a look, knowing there was more to the story. I knew he wouldn't press, but what came out of his mouth next was surprising.
"He got a thing for you?" He asked, raising an eyebrow at me. I could feel the heat traveling up my neck and burning my cheeks. The time when Liam and I kissed came into my mind, and I could feel a smile begin to creep onto my face, but then it quickly disappeared as I thought of our argument, and where things stood between us now. We were on ice, and with every passing second, it was growing thinner and thinner.
Suddenly, I felt a certain sadness inside me begin to form, as I realized that it would grow thinner until nothing remained.
"It's complicated," I said, looking down. Craig reached for my hand that was next to him and squeezed it.
"Well, screw him then if he's going to throw a fit and pass you up," Craig muttered. "You're worth the whole damn world. It's his loss."
When he saw that didn't make me feel any better, he spoke again.
"Besides," he said, leaning his head onto mine. "You have me."
That's the whole point, I thought to myself. Instead of saying that, however, I chose to laugh and hide how I really felt. I knew that Craig wasn't buying into it, though, so I quickly pulled another one of my tricks with him and changed the topic.
"Okay, see that woman with the short black hair that looks like she had a stick rammed up her ass?" I asked, pointing over to Sienna, who was in a corner, trying to sleep.
"Yeah, she seemed a bit uptight," he said, glancing down at me. "But she also seems incredibly warm hearted and friendly."
I sat up, pulling my knees toward my chest and resting my elbows on them, my hands dangling in between my knees. Then, I turned and raised an eyebrow at him.
"You know, that's what I thought, too," I said, lying through my teeth. "Before I slapped her."
"You did what?" He asked, an amused grin forming on his face. "Man, you've turned into quite the hard-core badass on me while I was gone, huh?"
I grimaced at him, shrugging my shoulders.
"I didn't change, I found myself," I said, thinking about everything. The smile must have sobered on my face, because Craig sat up and put a reassuring hand on my back. "The baby...the one that's over there. She had a mother."
Craig didn't say anything. He just rubbed my back, listening as I opened up to him, just like old times.
"Her name was Lucy," I continued, my voice sounding almost raspy-like now. I started at the linoleum tiles, imaging myself falling through the cracks and into another universe without grief and loss. Even though I felt some part of my insides clench, I knew I wasn't going to cry again talking about Lucy. Her death was the one that started me on the path that helped me find my inner-strength, but she was just one of the many ghosts that would plague my past. I accepted that, but just because I did, it doesn't mean that I wouldn't feel any type of pain when I talked about her. Now, I found my balance. And because I have, I haven't only learned how to move on, but I've also learned to let myself feel. "She was a good friend of mine. She wasn't with the group that was in here, she was with her father, a man named Walter. He was- well, he was a mystery."
I wanted to tell Craig about the serum, and the voices, and everything that happened with the men that had tried to kill and kidnap me, and even the man I'd just seen hours before, but I knew that now was not the time. I didn't want to overwhelm him. After all, he'd just woken up. So, I stuck to the story of Lucy.
"She had the baby, but she turned," I said, the image of her eyes flashing open and her teeth digging into Walter's neck coming to my mind. "She bit her father, and well- she got taken care of. I buried her not too long ago. It was difficult, dealing with it again after being safe for all this time. But after I lost her, I could feel myself building up walls. I didn't feel, I just survived, planning on sacrificing myself for someone else if the time came to make a decision like that. The only thing I felt was anger. Mostly because I always lived, while everyone around me died."
I glanced over to Craig, who stared at me with an intense gaze. His laughter had subsided, just as mine did.
"Then," I said, my voice barely a whisper. "You came back."
I felt a pull toward him every second I looked into his eyes, but once I became conscious, I looked away. I could feel something flutter inside of me, and I felt nervous, which was something that never happened around Craig. Things were definitely different between us, and I not only could I see it, but I could also feel it.
Craig put a finger under my chin, and gently pulled my face to look back at him.
"I did come back," he said, staring deep into my eyes. "And before we say anything else, I want to tell you something. I don't know how I came back, and I've been wary of telling you this, but I don't remember much of what happened before I woke up."
I sucked in a breath. No wonder he was so happy, he couldn't remember the struggles we'd endured.
"I see these images," he said, reading my expression. "They're people, and I know that I know them, but I can't place names with faces, and I'm not sure what's real and what was my imagination. There's just...too much death for me to process. I don't remember my childhood, or my family, or where I was when this started.
For a second, I almost felt jealous that he could forget everything he lost. But then I realized that it wasn't a blessing, because we are shaped by the struggles we endure. Everything he lost was a part of who he was, and I felt sorry for him that he lost that. I couldn't even imagine how frustrating it would be.
"Sure, some of it is coming back in flashes," he continued, "And things are getting less fuzzy, but it's all just jumbled and doesn't make sense. There's only two things that I can remember clearly. The first thing is the day in the park, when we lost Lily and Lucas and my hand...well, yeah. But the second thing I can remember, and is the only thing that makes sense right now, is you, Lease."
My eyes met his, and we held each other's gaze. I felt myself choke up, and I knew my eyes had gone glossy. Out of everything, all his memories and experiences, and he remembered me.
"What were you going to tell me?" I asked him, "Before you passed out."
He smiled now, and I knew what he was going to say.
"I'm not sure if I remember it right," he started, "But I'm pretty sure it was along the lines of, 'I love you'."
Before I could even think, his lips met with mine, and everything became irrelevant. At first I was so surprised that my eyes were open, but seconds later I closed them, letting the kiss happen. I felt uplifted, as if the emotions inside of me had simply evaporated into nothing. I was light as a feather, and the only thing that mattered and that I could manage to think about was him. He wrapped his hand around the back of my head, and my body moved toward him, and before I knew it, I was on his lap, straddling him. I wrapped my arms around his neck, and his moved down to my waist, pressing my body to his. As our mouths moved together, all the times we had shared came to my mind. I thought of how he would wrap his arm around me and whisper in my ear that things would get better, I thought of how we laughed and said stupid things, and how I never was sure of my feelings before. But now, we were kissing, and I knew that we had fallen in love far before I came across the cafeteria.
As soon as I thought of the cafeteria, I thought of Liam. Suddenly, the kiss felt wrong, and I realized what I had done. I had made Liam's fear become a reality.
I pulled back from the kiss, and got off of Craig as soon as I could. Craig took a minute to breathe, and I put my hands up to my face, shaking my head. How could I have let myself kiss him back? Hell, how could I have let that kiss go that far? I wasn't even sure of my feelings yet for Craig yet, and I had kissed Liam a day ago. This was not how I acted, even if old feelings had come bubbling up from Craig.
And that's when it hit me.
That's not how I used to act. If I were Elise, I would have backed away as soon as our lips touched, mostly because I was just a weak little girl who was trying to find herself, a reason to live, and who depended on others for survival. Before, Elise had loved Craig, but she denied it, because she was afraid and didn't even know how to do anything but cry. Now, I was different. I wasn't weak, I'd found my inner strength, and I didn't need someone else to survive. And now, I wasn't afraid to say what need be said, and now I knew that Craig wasn't who I loved, he was just my friend.
However, this realization came a few a seconds too late.
I looked up to see Liam standing a few feet in front of me, something shiny in his hand. His face was red, and he looked as if I had just ripped his heart out and tore it to shreds. It was almost as though he were stuck between being angry and heartbroken.
"Liam," I said, shaking my head and getting up.
"No," he said, clearing his throat and clenching his jaw. His expression stopped me dead, and I felt as though I had just been impaled. "I guess that's my answer then, because it looks to me that things sure as Hell have changed."
Then, he turned around and walked over to the supply closet, where his room was. I looked over to the doors where Darlene sat, shaking her head at me. My heart thudded, and I cursed myself for being so completely and utterly stupid.
"Shit, I'm so sorry," Craig said, standing up. "I should have never kissed you, I was out of line."
"No," I said, turning back toward him. A lump grew in my throat as I thought of the look in Liam's eyes. I brought my hands up to my face and wiped down, sighing. "No, it's not your fault. It was my choice to kiss you back. This is on me."
"But I initiated it," he said, looking away. "I guess I just thought...Well, I thought that you felt the same way."
His words hit me harder than I thought they would, but after a second, I realized that they made perfect sense. Before, we'd been focused on surviving. Now, he'd awakened to a safe haven, and after being out of commission for so long, he'd want to tie up whatever loose ends he had before. Now, I suppose that had included me.
"Look, Craig," I said, meeting his eyes. "Last time you were awake, I...I was someone else. A lot has happened since then, and then you came back and I guess I was confused and a little dazed. I mean, this was the first time that someone I thought I'd lost came back that wasn't dead."
He broke eye contact with me, and I could tell he was upset. I moved toward him, putting my hand on his cheek and making him look at me again. His hazel eyes pierced me, and I felt a pang of guilt.
"You were always there for me and I am so grateful for that," I said softly. "You guided me when I was lost and I would have died if it wasn't for you. But that girl that you knew is dead. She tried to make it in this world, but she never could on her own. Now, I'm a new person, someone stronger than ever before. I wasn't being fair with you before, because I wasn't sure if the feelings I had for you before died as well. Now I know that they didn't. They just changed."
I held his stare as I said these words.
"I want you to know that I love you with all my heart and I always will," I started, "But I'm not in love with you."
What I said was true, and I knew it deep in my soul. The person that I loved wasn't him. It was Liam. And now, I'd blown it.
"Well, damn," he breathed, cutting me away from my thoughts. He flashed me a halfhearted smile, and wrapped his arms around me, bringing me into a tight hug. "I'm so proud of you, Lease."
I was shocked at his sudden change in demeanor, and I couldn't even manage simple words.
"I always knew you had it in you," he started, "But I never knew if or when you'd realize it. Before, you were someone I protected and helped. Now, you're stronger than that. It only took me dying, losing a hand, some hair, some memories, time, and my chance with you for it to happen, but I'm happy for you."
He let me go and gripped my shoulders, looking deep into my eyes. But I knew something was off, because I knew him better than anyone.
"Now," he said, keeping a steady stare. "I know you, and I can see that you care about that guy, tall dark and handsome with a crossbow. And I can clearly see he cares about you by how heartbroken he just looked. So don't worry about me, okay? You've done enough of that. What you're going to do now is go and get him back. You don't have time to waste, believe me, I'd know."
I looked into his eyes, trying to see if what he was saying was genuine. But even if it wasn't, he had a point. The person I wanted was Liam, and with every passing second, I knew I was wasting time.
I gave him a reassuring smile, and then headed over to the supply closet. Part of me feared it was too late, but I still held on to the hope that he would listen to me.
It only took me seconds to get to it, but once I was in view, I saw the door was shut. I walked up to it, resting one hand on the door knob and another on the door. My palm was flat against the hard, wooden surface, and it took a lot for me to curl it into a fist and knock. I didn't know what I was going to say, but I prepared myself for what I would have to hear.
"Liam," I croaked, my voice edgy. I knocked once on the door, but I didn't get an answer. So, I gently knocked again, but there still wasn't any sign of life. "Liam, please, open the door."
I pleaded, my voice more vulnerable than it had been in months. After he still didn't open, I stood there, not knowing what else to do. I rested my head on the door next to my hand, thinking about how stupid I was not to realize that he was the person I wanted.
"Look," I said to the door, knowing he could hear me. "I fucked up. I know I did. I was being stupid. Please, just-"
Suddenly the doorknob twisted and I jumped back, only to see a ruined supply closet and a heavy breathing Liam staring back at me with puffy eyes. I was at a loss for words in this moment. The weight had finally fallen, and this was the aftermath.
"Just what?" He asked me, his eyes full of anger and agony. I knew this wasn't just the product of my actions, but nevertheless, I had been the one to set him off. So, in a way, I was responsible.
"Let me in," I said, staring him dead in the eyes. "We need to talk."
"I'm sick of talking," he said, trying to keep his voice down. I looked over my shoulder, and then I pushed him backward so I could get in. Once we were both inside, I pulled the door shut, enclosing us both. "I'm sick of all this bullshit."
Everything in the closet was ravaged, except for the bed. Bottles and supplies littered the floor, some had even opened and released its contents onto the ground, and the shelves had broken, some hanging half down and others completely on the floor.
"I know you're sick of talking, so listen," I said, not afraid of his temper. I'd never seen him like this, but I knew he would never hurt me. I took a quick breath before I started. This may be the only time I can plead my case, so I had to make it good. "Okay, look, I screwed up bad, and I know that I hurt you, and I am so sorry that I-"
"That you kissed him back?" He asked, a look of disgust on his face. "I'm sorry that you did, too. I'm sorry that I wasn't good enough for you and that I could ever think that I even stood a chance against him. I mean, you know, I get it. You guys had a history. You knew him and fell in love before-"
"That's the whole point," I said, cutting him off. "I fell for him before, when I was someone else. Now, I know that I'm not into him because I'm not that person anymore. The person that I want is you, and only you. Please, Liam, forgive me."
He turned away from me and ran a hand through his hair, trying to control the anger.
"Forgive?" He repeated through gritted teeth. "Forgiveness is really fucking overrated, you know that? Why is it that I'm supposed to forgive everyone that's screwed with me? My stepfather, for instance. My mother, she settles down with one guy, after all the other ones, and he is nothing but bad for her. Every single time he did something to her, she forgave him. She told me that I should forgive too. I should forgive for every scar on my back. I should forgive for what he did to my sister. I should forgive for him wasting all the money on drugs to get my mom hopped up so bad that she couldn't see how he was tearing us apart. And then, after he bites her, I should forgive him. I should forgive, forgive, for-fucking-give."
I stood in stunned silence, watching as he let off steam. His face was completely red, and both of his fists were clenched. I could see the muscles in his arms flexing, and he looked as though he were about to hit me.
Instead, he walked right up to me. I backed away as he did, my back hitting the door. His face was barely inches from mine, and I could see every ounce of pain and anger in his eyes as he looked into my soul.
"I'm real damn tired of giving," he said, his heavy breaths blowing onto my face. "I gave every day I had after school to work to keep a roof over my head. I gave every second I could to trying to keep my sister safe. Hell, I was going to give up my life to the army so I could get enough money to get my sister out of that house. And if this apocalypse didn't happen, I probably would have given away my future by killing that no good sonabitch of a stepfather."
Then, he closed his eyes for a few seconds, and opened them, staring at me with something else in his eyes. Moments later, he pulled something out of his pocket and grabbed my hand, forcing it into my palm and closing it.
"Since you two are caught up," he started, "I figure now would be the perfect time to give it to you."
He turned away from me, and walked a few steps deeper into the pile of ruin that was the supply closet.
"Get out," he said under his breath. I knew now that I had hurt him worse than I thought I did. What I didn't realize was how much I meant to him, and how I just threw him away. Now, I understood and I felt like shit. I wanted to scream at him saying that I was sorry, but sometimes sorry isn't good enough.
So, I walked up behind him and wrapped my arms around his torso, closing my eyes as we stood there. The only sound in the room was our breathing, and I was thankful that we could have such a moment of utter sincerity, and I could only hope that we'd be able to have it again.
"Let go of me," he said. Once the words processed, I felt like I'd been hit by bus. "Lease, let me go."
I let my arms fall to my side, and I stumbled back a step, stunned.
"Now, get out," he repeated in a cold, hardened voice. "And don't come in here again."
My mouth opened and I felt the air leave my lungs. I could feel my throat tighten, and I couldn't get myself to move. He turned around, his eyes just as frozen and hardened as his voice.
"Why do you do this?" He asked me, clenching his jaw. I stumbled back another step at the harshness of his voice, and fell onto the door. "Why do you make me care so much, only to tear it away?"
"Li-Liam," I stuttered, blinking back tears as I stared up into his dark eyes.
"Stop it!" He yelled, smacking the door with his hands on both sides of my head. His eyes were just as glossy as mine now. "God, just, stop it. Stop making me care. I-I can't care about someone who's just going to keep hurting me. I'm done, Lease, I'm done. I don't have anything left to give. I can't keep picking up the pieces, waiting for you to make up your mind, only to change it again. Just...just get out. Please. You've made your choice. Now just go."
I tried to swallow down the lump in my throat, but I knew it was pointless. He wasn't going to give in to me and forgive me like he did before, back when I couldn't make up my mind. I didn't realize how vulnerable he'd felt earlier, when he thought Jackal was going to die and I was done for. Especially, when he didn't lose me to a snapper, but to another guy. Everything I did would hurt ten times more right now, since he was so vulnerable to his feelings. The only right thing I could do was let him go, walk out that door, and give him time to deal with his demons, just like he gave me time.
I wrapped my fingers around the doorknob, twisting it and opening the door. Before I exited, I gave him one last look. This night could have been different. But as I've learned, there's no use dwelling on the past.
So I slinked out, shutting the door quietly. Once it was shut, I pressed my back against it and let myself slide onto the ground. I curled up next to it, leaning the side of my head on it along with the palm of my hand. All I wanted was him, and I had him, and I'd blown it. He was the best thing that happened to me since this started, and I'd thrown him away. I knew that I didn't need him to make me strong, but I wanted him to help me learn to love again.
However, we don't always get what we want in this world. Which is why we have to cherish what we have when we have it and let it go when we don't. Right now, I had to let Liam go and give him time, no matter how much it hurt me. I knew this wasn't just about me, but it was about his family and everything he's had to deal with. Honestly, I wanted to be in there with him and console him, but some things people have to deal with on their own. I didn't know how long it would take him to deal with it, but when he did, I could only hope that he would come back.
I knew three things for certain now. The first thing was that I was wrong about the ice growing thinner between us. It wasn't growing any thinner at all, it was hardening. If he didn't come back to me after all the snow had fallen, and we remained lost in the storm, we'd both freeze to death. The second thing was that after all this time, I thought I was the ticking time bomb, but I was also wrong. He was, and he'd just obliterated. And now, in the aftermath, the third and final thing had revealed itself, becoming the last thing I'd known as a certainty.
Things have changed.