Haven- 12
"...watch the past go up in smoke. you fake a smile, lie and say, you're better now than ever and your life's okay, when it's not. no, you're doin' all these things outta desperation. oh, you're goin' through six degrees of seperation..."
Harry.
I stared unbelieving and numb at the closed door, watching the wood frame rattle slightly from the impact. My eyes were pleading with the rest of me for this to be a joke. A hallucination maybe. I wanted to ask anyone willing to answer on what I'd ever done to be given this kind of luck, once I painfully realized this was real life. This was actually happening. I was originally blind to how badly this would hurt if it ever happened. I was completely unaware to what love could do to your system; even more what it could do once it had been ungracefully stolen away.
A throat cleared from behind me. My blood simmered to a medium flare.
"Now I know why you call her a baby. Like damn, she really is acting like one," snorted Vanessa. I was ready to smash my fist into the wall next to her head.
I turned slowly, slow enough to push time between our indefinent meeting, and I met her cold eyes. With my face hard, I bitterly brought the back of my hand up to my lips, wiping at them harshly, making a show that her efforts to seduce me had went fully and wholeheartedly wrong. I proceeded to swipe the flavored lip-gloss off of my hand and onto my jeans. Running my fingers through my hair, I was beginning to grow tired of watching the play of unhidden madness through her eyes. The eyes I had stayed in contact with throughout my small show. There was no doubt in me that she could detect my hatred for her, for her snide act, in my features. "Leave," I said suddenly, speaking for the first time and embarrasingly listening as my voice cracked from the thick unuse.
"You're telling me to leave?" She shrieked. I didn't bother hiding my grimace. Her voice was making my head pound more than it already was, her acrid perfume was quickly clogging my senses.
"Yes, I'm fucking telling you to leave, Vanessa. Do I have to spell it out for you?"
"No." She crossed her arms across her chest. She distinctly resembled a four-year-old. Thing is, I liked children; wanted some of my own some day. I just didn't like this child. "This is a free coun--"
"Leave!" My voice rose. "Do you realize what you've just done!?"
She stepped back, as if she was impacted by the sudden loudness of of my voice. My breathing was already labored-- a tell tale sign I was that close to losing it-- and I really didn't want to think about how the best thing to ever walk into my life had just walked out.
It was doing things to my state of mind, and I would end up being accountable for my actions, not to mention sent bills for replacing the dry-wall in this damn dormitory if Vanessa wasn't out of my sight soon.
"How about you tell me." The smirk that was making a home on her brisk face was irking me to no end.
My legs were ready to give out.
I bristled. "You don't deserve to know. You don't have any fucking part in my life anymore, so what makes you think you could just kiss me?" I spat. "We've been through for months, Vanessa. Wait," I backtracked, smiling sadistically. "We never were anything, were we?"
Her face went hard. "You're a fucking dick."
"So you've mentioned," I nodded faux thoughtfully. I was way past caring.
She finally muttered a curse and turned to leave, heading down the stairs and out the door. Some part of me knew she wouldn't just... give up that easily. That same part of me knew this wasn't the last I'd see of her or any of my regretted choices that came in woman form.
My head snapped back toward Ella's door on autopilot, trying to send it some sort of magical force to let me in; to just not be closed.
As long as it was closed that meant there was an entire universe full of possibilities and apologies that would never see the light of day. The pleading words I was ready to speak wouldn't get their chance to come forward. I would never get my chance.
"Fuck, fuck, fuck." It was what I'd been reduced down to; fuck. It seemed to fit my situation perfectly. Looking up toward the ceiling, looking down at the carpet, and over at her door time and time again it was all I could manage.
"Uh, bro?" Kane's voice filled the hall. Even over the loud ringing in my ears that had effectively taken over any outside noise-- or so I thought-- I still heard the concern in my roommate's voice. I whipped my head toward my door, finding him standing there freshly dressed, a frown on his face. Where the hell had he been this whole time?
I gave a curt nod. I started pulling at my hair.
"I, um," he cleared his throat, "heard some yelling out here. Everything okay?"
No. Everything was not okay.
Instead of answering him the way I wanted to--including taking all of my anger out on him--I just walked past him and into our living room. He followed me.
"You, uh...you need some water? You look kind of flushed."
Stop talking. Stop fucking talking.
I looked away. When he wouldn't just leave me where I was seated on the arm of our couch, I finally managed to nod.
My thoughts were one thing going at war with another. They were this jumbled mess where I'd be thinking one minute of the scene bit by bit over again, playing it all out, then I'd switch to thinking of the hurt I found in Ella's eyes or even the pity I found in her roommate's.
I keep telling myself that she had to of realized how much I didn't want Vanessa any where near me. I kept telling myself that she must've seen that I was, in no way, enjoying Vanessa on me like that.
I thought I was finally able to read her. I'd been wrong of course. I learned that there was still so much I wanted to get to know about Ella and of course I'd never get the chance now.
There was something inside of me that just needed to be let out, this anger was way too excruciating to hold in. Then, there was the pain. I had never really put much thought into whether the emotion of pain could be stronger than anger. I had now. It was a living, breathing feeling and I wondered for the millionth time how it could be so strong when I'd known Ella for so little.
"Change of plans," I mumbled Kane's way when he came back with a glass of water.
He stared at me in question.
"We're not going out anymore."
He looked slightly dejected, but nodded slowly anyways. He handed me the glass. I felt like smashing it against the wall. "Any reason?"
I just shook my head, not feeling the energy to even move from my position, let alone speak of how quickly my life had just taken a one-eighty.
"Well, if you need to...talk, I'll be just sitting over there," he pointed to his bed, "on my laptop."
I was thankful he didn't push me to talk unlike this afternoon when I got back from Ella's.
God dammit, stop thinking her name.
By the time I had the decency to thank him or at least nod his way, he was already out of my sight. I walked to the small bar at the corner of my dorm, grateful alcohol was in my reach. Pulling out three Corona's I started on one, sitting back on the couch again. The throbbing headache was dulling with each sip, but the poison wasn't helping my thoughts from running haywire. If anything, the nagging things my mind was saying were increased. I wanted to find a way to shut up that part of me.
I didn't remember finishing my third beer, just as I didn't remember reaching for a fourth.
I was disgusted with myself.
For a moment I thought of finding a party on campus. There was a certain element of familiarity in the thought. Months ago, I wouldn't have put it through a second round of consideration. It would've been a done deal. Or, of course, if there wasn't an amateur with a keg on campus grounds I could've always found a bar I knew of within Boston. It was almost a decent idea. It supplied all the right necessities for a mind-numbing night I needed and craved.
It had been when I was gripping the arm-rest of the couch to get up-- the only thing that didn't seem to be swimming in my vision-- when Ella's beautiful smile stopped me. It wasn't her in the flesh. She wasn't there, in front of me, like I had hoped (like I had almost let my mind believe). But she was there in a fleeting thought. It was all I could do to take that particular sign as a gift; I sat back down.
Eventually, I fell asleep on that couch, no longer able to keep my eyelids from succumbing to the heaviness. The humming between my ears set tone as a lullaby. My body finally needed a break.
"Baby," I breathed, blown away by her beauty. I nearly lost it at the sight of her.
Ella smiled my way, bright and mind numbing. "How are you?"
I closed the distance between us, hugging her to me, laying a firm kiss on her lips. Her mouth opened to me, I slipped my tongue in with a low groan and discovered the sweet taste I was so used to. How am I? "Great now that you're here," I smiled when I pulled back reluctantly, a little hazy.
She rolled her eyes adoringly. "You're such a brown-noser."
I laughed loudly, once. "No," I stretched to murmur into her ear. "I just really love you." I laid a soft kiss on the corner of her mouth, both cheeks, then her forehead.
Her eyes softened and she wound her arms around my neck. Her sweet scent engulfed the air around me, and I wouldn't have it any other way. "And I love you."
The words touched something deep inside me, gushing air into my lungs. I could breathe again. I hadn't realized I couldn't, until then.They'd always be my pacifier. She always would be.
I buried my face into her neck, my nose tickling from the whispering touch of her hair. "You look so beautiful," I said lightly. And she did. She always did, but tonight she was dressed stunningly. Her long deep blue gown that reached her feet was sequined and eye catching, bringing out the color of her beautifully pale skin and cerulean irises. The neckline was just low enough for my mouth to travel down the curve of her sweet chest, kissing, then licking the soft skin teasingly.
"Harry," she muttered, low and gravelly. "We're gonna be late."
I smirked. "I couldn't help myself. My girlfriend is way too sexy for her own good."
She scoffed at the joking tone in my voice. I smiled, lifting my head and interlacing our fingers. Opening my door, I selfishly allowed her to walk before me (I just really loved staring at her ass). When we were on the sidewalk, I noticed the air was increasingly starting to get chillier. It was late November after all. I shrugged out of my suit jacket without even assessing the thought and laid it across her shoulders gently. She looked over at me, smiling and thanking me. I tried to memorize her soft eyes and swollen lips.
We made it to the main hall where the Winter Ball was being held. Harvard supplied one of these every year. They were filled with elegant dances, which originally I was opposed to. Not so much now though, with Ella's hand in mine, and her promise from yesterday of teaching me how to ball dance ringing in the back of my mind. I doubted I'd ever turn down an opportunity to be with Ella, ever. Even if it meant exceding my comfort zone, I would be there.
She pulled me to the dancefloor immediately, discarding the idea I had of getting a drink first. I laughed easily, watching her smile my way, dragging me between the large amount of bodies already dancing. She stopped suddenly, pulling me closer to her. I stole a quick kiss before she could say anything.
She set my hand in hers, alined with our chests while my other hand took familiarity and went to hold her waist. "I told you I'd teach you," she said so only I could hear.
I looked at her for a long moment, blown away. I was ready to explode with the adoration I held for this beautiful soul.
She brought me out of my thoughts when she started moving, pushing me to follow her. She didn't look away from my eyes, she continued to stare into them as she whispered, "one, two, three, four," over and over. I eventually understood the basics, and smiled in amazement. I wondered where she learned to be so good, so fluid like warm melted chocolate. She surprised me everyday.
Someone behind me was poking at my shoulder, prodding to get my attention. I drew my eyes away from Ella to find Kane.
"Harry," he was saying but it was faraway. Why was it so faraway? He was only just next to me and Ella.
"Harry," he said again, clearer this time.
"Harry, bro, come on," Kane's voice woke me up with a start. I straightened from where I realized I was sitting up right on the couch. I hissed when I felt the soreness in my neck and the throbbing in my head.
"Fucking finally," my roommate muttered. I squinted up at him, the room I was in was too bright and Ella wasn't next to me.
"Where's Ella?" I asked, shooting up from my position. I looked down. I wasn't wearing a tux like I was last night.
He looked confused. Slowly he said, "Ella? What are you talking about man? You had some drinks last night, maybe your mind is a little gone."
Then, I remembered. I wanted to scream. I wanted to tug at my hair until the roots came loose.
A dream. A nightmare, more realistically for allowing me the artificial assurance that Ella could love me. The truth was: she didn't.Ella didn't love me. Ella didn't teach me how to dance, she didn't smile at me softly, and stare into my eyes, watching me with a certain amount of adoration I could only hope I'd been able to give her in our time together. I had a feeling it'd never happen now.
Because, once again, my past was hurting me in ways I couldn't fathom. I couldn't just run from the people I associated myself from, run from the girls I tossed aside every night when I was through with them.
They came back.
My gas tank was on empty, the incessant flashing bright red light telling me I was close to completely sputtering to a stop, and in the back of my mind I was aware that there wasn't a pit stop for miles. Now, I waited. Waited until my energy ran out.
I had this bright idea that being with Ella would change me. And it had. No matter how short lived and brief my time with Ella was, it had bent me. Shaped me subtly. I didn't regret any of it. I didn't regret the smiles I was able to get out of her. The laughs. The tantalizing kisses we shared.
I only regret that my past was able to weazle its way into my present.
Into my future.
I looked back at Kane finding him staring at me in concern. I waved him off. "I'm fine," I said but my voice was thick.
I rushed to the cabinet in my bathroom, popped two Ibuprofen and allowed them down with a full glass of water. The pain in my head was dulling with the time I spent staring into the mirror, but I found the ache in my heart untreatable from over-the-counter pain relievers.
I walked back out. My legs were taking me to the door, but I commenced the will to refuse. I stripped from last nights clothes and proceeded to get under my covers. When I closed my eyes and found sleep, I was able to escape from reality for a while. I didn't feel the pain when I was dreaming.
I liked my dreams better, anyways.
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"first, you'll think the worst is a broken heart; what's gonna kill you is the second part. and the third, when your world splits down the middle. fourth, you're gonna think that ya fixed yourself. fifth, you'll see them out with someone else, and the sixth is when you admit you may have fucked up a little..." -the script
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the gif at the top had me crying bc his dimples look about as deep as the pacific ocean bye
vote and comment my friends! until next time, love u