yes im aware this update is a filler and it sucks
btw im brewing up ideas for a sequel sO IF YOU WANT ONE PLS SAY SO I WANT LIKE 50 USERS TO SAY YES SO PLS SAY YES
Chapter 32: Wobbly Knees
As soon as Robbie left, my knees gave way and I sank to the floor, bringing my hands to my face as I burst into hysterics.
I wonder all the time if Robbie meant what he said. If he really loves me, ‘brutally’ as he said, or if he just wants our little thing back.
But, I see it in him all the time. I see the way he looks at me, and the things he says, and I hate how he can do it so easily like loving me was the easiest thing to do. He’s so intricate and complicated but so simple at the same time. He’s a labyrinth. Or maybe I’m the labyrinth. Maybe I’m the complicated one that no one can figure out because I told him I loved him and yet I practically threw him away from me.
Part of me prayed he’d come back into the bathroom even though I pushed him away. But another part of me wanted him to stay away.
I slouched farther against the wall, letting the cold tile press through my dress and freeze every part of my legs.
I didn’t lie to Robbie. I do love him. I love him in this strange, corrupted way that involves my heart being torn between staying the safe or going out of bounds. Maybe I’m scared because of Tristan. Maybe I just don’t want to get hurt again.
Or maybe I’m scared because I’m so in love with Robbie, and I’m terrified of the way he makes me feel because numbness is all I’m good at.
And the more I thought about Robbie, the more I smiled to myself, though I wanted to stay angry and cry some more.
I can’t help it. I’d say that’s what love does.
I’d say love is the way he stayed with me though I was breathing ash and menthol, or that I was violent and messed with his feelings. I’d say love was when he didn’t take advantage of me when he could have, unlike Tristan. When Robbie undressed me for the shower, he didn’t touch me more than I asked. And though I completely fucked Robbie over and kissed him at all the wrong times, he didn’t leave. He stayed. He’s forever, I’m nearly afraid.
Love is the way he looks at me. The way he looks at me like I built the moon and all the craters, how he looks at me like he wishes to build up inside my dreams and make sure I never have a nightmare again. All from shallow sea eyes, crazy! How does he do that? How does he make me feel insanely vulnerable but inhumanely beautiful all at once?
Love are his lips, aren’t they? How sinful they are, yet so lavish? How does he do that? He kisses me with passion almost fearful and sometimes I feel like I’m built up of love only raw. I’m a gothic gate framework laced with daisies and wildflowers and to think they are so simple but they’re Robbie’s favorite, and maybe that’s why his lips make me feel ravishing.
Love is Robbie’s hands. How the veins run blue like London rivers and moonlit highways, or city lanes, or the headlights from space. Why do I care? Why do I care what is veins are like? Because blue blood means he’s alive, and breathing, and feeling, right?
I’m driving myself crazy thinking like this.
And so I began sobbing again and crawled into a bathroom stall, and that’s where I cried for half an hour.
*~*~*~*
I was sick and my makeup was gone.
Unfortunately, I had missed half of my 5th hour class, so I had better gotten moving before I was in serious trouble.
I washed my hands for no reason before leaving the bathroom, then got a drink from the drinking fountain. As I walked back, I saw Ben coming around the bridge walk, emotionless, and he was coming right for me.
“Arianna,” he said, grabbing my shoulders and backing me up until I was against the wall.
“Ben?” I asked.
“Hey. We need to talk,” he said, looking both directions before taking his hands off my shoulders.
“Okay.”
He sighed. “What’s the deal with you and Robbie?”
I frowned, “what do you mean?”
He widened his eyes and shook his head, “uh, why aren’t you together?”
“Um,” I said, “why are you asking? Aren’t you into me?”
Ben breathed deeply. “Yeah, I was. But I don’t mess with my best friend’s girl. Especially one he’s in love with.”
“Whoa,” I said, “he told you he loved me?”
“No,” he shrugged, “I can tell. The way he looks at you and stuff. Like you were the reason the sun works. He doesn’t look at people like that, Arianna. He’s different since you came around. He’s better. But you aren’t speaking with him properly, and I know you love him too.”
“Ben, look-“
“No, you look,” Ben snapped, and I shut up, “Robbie is a new boy with you. You’re an idiot to not see that. I didn’t expect him to come back together just to watch him fall apart again.”
I was speechless.
“Robbie doesn’t love, Arianna. Not until you. Think about that.”
And he was gone.