The next morning before class, I awkwardly hang out in the school courtyard before spotting Lisa and Stella sitting on a bench and talking. I hesitate before approaching them. They kind of are my only friends here, but I don't want to seem too clingy.
However, when they see me and wave me over to their bench, I decide to make my way over there.
Since the... incident, I have quickly figured out that I shouldn't stay alone. In the beginning, while I was at the clinic, the therapists simply didn't leave me alone – and now that I finally got out, I still prefer the presence of people to solitude.
Solitude leads to thinking, thinking leads to remembering, and I really don't want to remember.
When I join them, Stella and Lisa make small talk with me for a while until they start telling me about something hilarious Scott did a couple of weeks ago.
At the mention of Scott, Stella gives Lisa a meaningful look, to which she sighs. "What?"
"Don't you think we should ask her?"
"I don't think we should ask anyone at all, but if you're so keen on doing it..." Lisa rolls her eyes.
I frown. Why do I never get what these people are talking about? "What's up, guys?"
Stella looks at me, a sly grin on her face. "Roxane, if I told you that Lisa is in love with Scott, would you believe me?"
Hesitantly, I glance at Lisa. The expression on her face is unreadable. I want to answer truthfully, but I also don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. I feel like these two are playing a game with me I don't know the rules of. "Yes. Yes, I would believe that."
At this, Stella squeals and triumphantly looks at Lisa. "See?! I told you! Everyone noticed! Even the freaking newbie noticed!"
I don't appreciate her calling me the "freaking newbie", and other than that, I still don't understand what this conversation is about. Lisa just scowls and crosses her arms.
Stella must have seen the confused look on my face, because she explains: "Lisa is in love with Scott, but she won't admit it even though it's o-b-v-i-o-u-s."
"What's obvious?"
I turn around to see Sam standing next to me, taking my breath away yet another time. He's wearing an oversized, dark green sweatshirt and ripped black jeans.
As always, he's looking at me. "Hello, Roxy."
"Hello, Sammy," I immediately shoot back, making him laugh.
Lisa ignores that little exchange of ours and angrily huffs: "It's not obvious. And stop saying "in love". I don't even like him –romantically, I mean- , so don't you dare talking about love."
"Is that why you're blushing?" Sam asks coolly.
His friend opens her mouths and shuts it right away when she realizes she doesn't really have a comeback for that.
"Aren't you cold, only in your hoodie?" I look at Sam. I don't actually care about him being cold or not; -he can do whatever he wants- I just want to talk to him.
Somehow, he doesn't seem surprised I'm asking this. "I have a high cold tolerance, Roxy."
"Is that even a thing?" I decide to let the "Roxy" slide for once.
"Everything can be a 'thing'-" he quotes with his fingers as he says those words, showing me that he's mocking me, -"if you want it to be."
Neither Lisa nor Stella seem to have noticed our conversation, or maybe they simply don't care.
"He doesn't give a shit about me. He fucks a different girl every party," Lisa whines, at which Stella rolls her eyes.
"Only because he thinks you're too good for him, and that he doesn't have a shot. You need to show him that that's not true and you like him for who he freaking is."
She squeezes Lisa' hand as she tries to advise her friend.
Sam doesn't really seem interested in that whole issue. Instead, he just continues speaking to me, this time using a theatrical voice. "You know, every person who's even the slightest bit romantic would have answered by saying: 'Well, I want us to be a thing.'."
"Hey!" I complain. "I am romantic."
"Then why didn't you answer that?"
"Maybe because I don't want us to be a thing?" I hope he knows I'm only joking.
"Ouch!" he says, touching his heart with his hand and making an overly sad face, "that hurt, Roxy. Right there."
I'm happy that he understands that everything we're saying to each other right now is not serious, that we're only kidding. I hate people who don't get sarcasm and become offended over anything.
However, I'm less happy that he called me Roxy, again. "And if you call me Roxy one more time, we're also never going to be a thing."
A little later, I'm walking to one of my classes when Stella catches up with me in the hallway.
I smile at her. From all of the friends Lisa introduced me to yesterday, Stella's the one whom I like the least until now. Something about her makes me uncomfortable, but with all the shit I did, I know better than to judge people. "Hey."
"Hey," she says and pauses for a while before she continues to speak. "I just wanted to make sure we're on the same page here."
"About... what?" I slightly tilt my head in confusion.
"Lisa. In case you didn't get my message this morning, I prefer to transmit it you in clearer words: Scott is off limits. He's Lisa's. Am I making myself clear?"
Frowning, I nod. I'm not too happy about the harsh tone she's using, and I have to bite my tongue to restrict myself from reminding her she's the one he was flirting with yesterday, not me. But then I realize I'm not being fair to her: She's just looking out for her friend. "Sure."
Her hand wraps around my wrist, and she stops me in the middle of the hallway. I'm starting to get annoyed.
"I'm being serious. I don't trust you. You're not like us, and you haven't proven your intentions to me yet. I'm not saying you're a bad person, but I'm not saying you're a good one either. I'm aware this may seem a little harsh, but you have to understand that Lisa and I have been friends for years. She means the world to me, and I don't want her to get hurt."
I can't help but feel a little pang of jealousy at her words. I wish I had a friend like Stella. I had always thought my friends and I back at my old school were pretty close, but after the incident, they looked at me like I was a stranger. The disgust in their eyes is still a very vivid memory, burnt into my brain forever.
Would Stella still support Lisa if she did something similar to what I've done last year?
Accepting that she only wants to be a good friend, I say in the calmest way possible: "I'm not interested in Scott, Stella." And then, hoping she won't take it the wrong way, I add, "I thought it was obvious."
She eyes me up for a while before she finally responds, following my glance towards Sam, who's talking to a couple of guys at the end of the hallway. "Yes, it is obvious."
I take a deep breath before I step in the Parisian metro alone, for the first time ever. I've used public transports before, but the metro of the urban jungle that is Paris is something else.
"Don't be afraid, little Roxy. It's just the metro," a familiar voice says behind me.
Rolling my eyes, I turn around to Sam standing in front of me. "I'm not afraid."
"If you say so." There's that smug grin again.
I glance at the unfamiliar face next to him, a young girl. She has red curls, piercing green eyes and pink lips, and is overall really, really pretty. Quickly summarized, she looks like the female version of Sam, and it's not hard to notice she's the younger sister he was talking about in the car yesterday.
She smiles at me. "Hello, Roxane."
What, she knows who I am? Has Sam already told her about me? Was I really that interesting to him?
Sam looks from her to me. "Roxane, this is my little sister, Maja. Maja, this my new friend, Roxane. Maja goes to our school's sister collège."
I mimic Maja's soft smile. "Nice to meet you."
Maja lets her gaze wander on my face before she not-so-discreetly whispers to Sam: "She's so pretty."
His eyes are resting on me as he answers and a light smile is dancing around his lips. "I know."
Um, do they realize I can hear them? How should I react to that?
"Sorry, I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable." Maja mumbles sheepishly as she notices my slightly confused face.
"It's alright." I respond warmly. I can't really blame her for giving me a compliment. "Shall we go?"
It's going to take 20 min for the train to arrive at the station Sam, Maja and I all have to get out of, so we make ourselves comfortable by sitting down on some of the dirty metro seats. I'm facing Sam and Maja.
Sam seems more relaxed around his sister. Well, he always seems relaxed – that's what's so peculiar about him, especially in Paris where everyone's stressed- but even more with his sister. They must be close.
Maja and I make small talk to get to know each other. She's in ninth grade, she's excited to go the lycée next year, but less excited about the fact that Sam will be there as well for 12th grade and use every possible opportunity to embarrass her –I can relate to that statement- her favorite food is pizza, her favorite TV Show "Gossip Girl" and she hates it when people call her a white girl just because she likes Starbucks.
"Well, you can't really blame them," Sam mumbles, to which his sister sends him a glare.
"Of course I can!" she rants. "And I mean, since we're already on that topic, what kind of freaking insult is that? 'White Girl'? I mean, what the hell does that even mean? Why not Asian girl or Black girl, while we're at it?"
Sam seems to be used to his sister's ranting, and gives me a look telling me not to take it too seriously. Getting worked up like for every single little thing is part of her personality.
As for my part, I stay as superficial as possible while I'm talking about my life. I let them know that I've lived in Nice my entire life before moving here, that my mom works in the trading business and that my dad is a lawyer, that I love all kinds of spicy food and that my favorite day of the week is not Saturday like for many others, but Friday, because one has all the weekend to look forward to and doesn't have to be scared of Monday yet.
Sam agrees and then talks about his favorite weekend memory: One time, Scott, Lisa, Stella and him spontaneously booked train tickets to go to Trouville as it was unbearably hot in Paris. Even in Trouville, it was still well over thirty degrees, but at least there was the fresh wind to cool them down a little bit. But, having so spontaneously booked, they had forgotten one little small detail: The hotel. Not being able to find one single free hotel room in the whole entire town since it was full of tourists escaping the metropolitan heat, they had to sleep on the beach.
His story makes me laugh –I can imagine that situation so well- and he ends by saying: "And you know what? Even at night, it was still super-hot, and while all the others had the shitty air-conditioning of their hotel, we had the nice and cool wind."
We continue conversing, and I have to admit I'm actually quite enjoying myself. Sam and Maja are very interesting to talk to, and I find myself thinking that maybe humans are not as bad as I've believed in the last couple of the months.
At one point, shortly before arriving at our station, Maja asks me in a forced nonchalant way: "So, Roxane, are you going to the party this Friday?"
"What party?" I ask, confused.
"Yeah, what party?" Sam narrows his eyes at her.
Uh-oh. I bite my lip to avoid grinning. Looks like someone here just got into protective-brother mode.
"The one at Faustin's." Maja still tries really hard to act natural, but I've now understood that this not a usual thing. She doesn't normally go to parties, or else her brother wouldn't be tensing up right now.
Sam raises his eyebrows at her. God, he's even hotter when he's mad. In my head, I thank Maja for getting him into that state, even though she's probably really regretting mentioning the party in the first place.
"You're not going to that party." For the first time since I've known him, his tone is serious.
Maja crosses her arms. "That's not up to you decide."
Sam just angrily stares at her. "How do you even know about that party? It's for lycéens. "
She holds his glare, and I admire her for that. I don't know if could look Sam in the eye for that long. He can be pretty intimidating when he wants to be.
"I was invited."
Her brother lets out a dry laugh. "Oh, you were invited? And by whom, if I may ask?"
This time, she breaks off eye contact. "By a boy."
He scoffs. "No shit. I didn't ask for the gender, I asked for the name."
"I'm not going to tell you."
"And why not?"
I can't help but let my eyes bounce from one person to the other. This is a like a tennis game.
"Because I don't want you to scare him off. I really like him, Sam."
I wince. Stupid thing to say, Maja.
As I guessed, Sam looks even madder. He's clenching his jaw. "Maja, you know very well that I have other ways of finding out who it was if you won't tell me, and these ways will be way less pleasant for all of us. So just make it easier for yourself and tell me who that boy is, now."
They seem to have completely forgotten about my existence, but that is fine with me. I'm perfectly content with staring at mad and hot Sam.
His sister huffs. "Fine. His name is Tommy, he's in tenth grade at your lycée, and he's in the football team. Which is why I met him, actually, since me and my friends went to the football game to watch hot guys the other day,"-she's blushing a little bit as she's admitting that to her brother, and I grin since my friends and I did the exact same thing back in collège- "he came to talk to me after the game and said he noticed me in the in the crowd because I was so cute" –Sam rolls his eyes at this and mumbles something under this breath- "and asked if I wanted to go the party with him, and he seemed really nice and I've already said yes, so don't embarrass me by threatening him or not letting me go to the party,", she finishes, narrowing her eyes at her brother.
I look at him, and he catches my gaze, sending me an apologetic smile before focusing on his sister again. His anger seems to have steamed off a little.
"I don't know, Maja. It's not that I don't want you to go parties at all, I'm not that kind of older brother, it's just that Faustin is a dick, and he's friends with a lot of shady people, most of them school drop outs, some of them criminals. There's lots of strong alcohol, and more importantly, lots of strong drugs. And I'm not talking about marihuana here. I don't want you getting involved in that kind of scene."
"I think you should go, Maja," I suddenly say.
They both look at me, remembering that they are not alone. I see some guilt flashing across Maja's eyes when she realizes what kind of awkward situation –listening to two siblings I barely know fighting- she's put me in.
"Really? And why do you think so, Roxane?" Sam is crossing his arms, but he doesn't seem mad anymore. Just a little bit skeptical, which is understandable.
With two pairs of intense green eyes on me, I nervously start speaking. "Well, for starters, Maja needs to start making experiences somewhere. If she stays discreet and keeps to herself, I'm pretty sure that none of the dangerous people you're talking about will show interest in her.
Also, she could stay with her friends, or with me, the entire time. Dangerous things only happen to you when you have no one to protect you."
Trust me, I know what I'm talking about, Sam.
Maja sends me a thankful smile. "See, Sam? Roxane would be with me at all times. I'll be safe, I promise."
Sam sighs before staring at me questioningly. "So does that mean you're going to the party?"
I repress the instinct to roll my eyes. Of course that's all he took from my little speech earlier.
As I respond, I don't break off eye contact. "I'm going if Maja's going." And with all of my courage I add: "And you do want me to go, don't you?"
I can't believe I just said that. I'm not sure if I should be proud or scared.
At this Maja laughs. "Oh my God Roxane, you're awesome!"
Her brother doesn't seem to agree. Instead, he raises his eyebrows at me. "Blackmailing, Roxane, really? I didn't think you'd cross over to the dark side." A little smile is tugging at his lips.
I lean towards him the same way he did with me yesterday, and I secretly hope it affects him as much as it affected me. "Oh, I've never crossed over to the dark side, little Sammy – I've been over there since the beginning."
"Dear Lord, I can't believe she just called you 'Little Sammy'!" Maja is laughing so hard there are tears coming out of her eyes. "This girl is going to be good for you, Sam."
Once we get out of the metro, Sam asks for a minute alone with me. Maja says goodbye to me and then walks home, while Sam and I wait until she's out of ear shot.
Once she's gone, he says: "I hope my sister and I didn't make you feel forced to come to the party."
I shake my head. "Nope. I would have gone there anyways."
That's the truth. I'm not scared of a little teenager party, even if Sam says that shady people are going to be present there. I've been to social gatherings much more dangerous than that. I can handle a party, and besides, a least it's a normal thing to do for a teenager. And the whole point of this fresh start was to do normal things.
"Is that so? I thought you were only going if my sister was going?" He raises an eyebrow at me, making my knees go weak.
"I only said that to see how you would react." A light smile is dancing around my lips.
"I'm impressed. You're way more manipulative than I thought you were."
I turn around to walk into the direction of my apartment, but before that, I look at him one last time. "Oh, you have no idea."