Chapter 24
Kat
Carl nudged me awake. My eyes opened to the sun just above me, covered by Carl's hat. I tensed a little, staring up at his eyes.
Please don't talk to me, I begged his eyes. Don't tell me that all you see is blood.
His eyes didn't speak to me morbidly then. Carl was lovingly staring down at me, the sun's rays crisp above him. I smiled and groaned, rolling over in the dirt and covering my face.
"I don't wanna get up," I moaned. Carl smirked and kissed my head.
"Let's go, pretty girl. Time to eat," he cooed, sitting me up. I smiled at him, glad that I didn't have to be afraid of his eyes.
It doesn't matter if you are afraid, something said to me. You have to help him. If you are afraid, everyone is. Bring him back. Don't let his dark side take over.
I stood up, crossing my arms.
"Don't you dare call me that," I said, pretending to be mad. Carl smiled. It was the first thing he called me, and I remember being so flattered and scared at the same time. It had been the first time a guy had given me a compliment. It made me feel good, but I had been scared because I didn't know Carl. Now, all I could've been thinking was how I wanted to melt right into his mouth.
"You love it," Carl chuckled, pulling my hips into him. He leaned his head down, placing his warms lips on mine. This had been our third kiss, and I knew there was going to be many more. I needed to stop counting. I loved his kisses, and three just wasn't going to do for me. I wanted more and more and more.
I cupped Carl's face, sighing as he pulled away.
"No..." I groaned, trying to pull him back. Carl smirked again, his eyes a wonderful blue.
"Don't worry, I'll give you more later, pretty girl," he whispered. I looked over and saw the group still sitting away from us, talking amongst each other. Carl's dad was sneaking glances at us, and suddenly I felt extremely embarrassed. All of them were sneaking glances at us, and I saw Judith pointing to her mouth in confusion. I laughed into Carl's chest, tightening my grip on the collar of his jacket.
"Looks like we have an audience," I said softly, rubbing my nose against his shirt. Carl rubbed the back of my neck with his thumb, chuckling. He pulled away from me, tugging me gently towards the others. My cheeks began to burn madly. I was hoping that no one saw our good morning kiss.
"Good morning, you two," Maggie said, smiling at her feet. Glenn laughed a little, and Daryl threw me a playful glance. I felt the blood creep up to my cheeks, and I knew my face was turning red.
"Good morning," I said, smiling at Rick and Judith. Judith stood up and toddled over to me, jumping with her hands held up.
"Up, up!" She demanded. I smiled and bent down, picking her up and placing her on my waist. Carl chuckled, grabbing her nose softly. She giggled and mimicked him, grabbing his nose the same way. Judith turned her face back to me and ran her finger over the bruise on my face. I ignored the pain and smiled. Carl gently took Judith away from me, seeing she wanted to touch more of my face. He smiled and kissed Judith's forehead, smiling at me. He mouthed, "Sorry," but I shook my head. It was okay, to me. If I couldn't stop Carl's devious thoughts, Judith could.
"We gotta get moving soon," Rick announced, glancing around. "Savannah is a long way. We're heading to Macon first. Gotta be stuff there. Supplies. Clothes. Then, we're going to hit the road. Do the same to all the cities we come across. We strip the places clean..."
Rick's voice became distant as I stopped paying attention. I noticed light shuffling in the bushes behind me, and I turned my head. I saw a hint of black disappear. I blinked a few times, seeing nothing but green.
You're seeing things, I told myself. You're seeing things.
Something inside me was telling me it wasn't just nothing. Something was there, and I needed to trust myself. But I didn't want anyone else to worry. I didn't want anyone to get off track. We needed to get to Savannah, and I couldn't halt the group into some grim quest to find the mysterious black I only thought I saw.
You know what it was, you stupid girl, something told me. You're just denying it. Don't worry. Karma's a bitch.
I swallowed, trying to rid the thoughts out of my head. It had to have been nothing. There are so many things moving, it had to have been nothing.
Carl touched my arm, making me snap my head back. He had Judith attached to his leg, kicking his boot playfully.
"You alright?" He asked. I nodded, plastering a fake smile on my face through my worry.
"Yes. I'm okay. I should go get my stuff."
Carl reached for my hand, but Judith pulled him back, chanting to him to pick her up. Carl sighed in defeat and turned away from me. I walked to my backpack, slipping the folded note into it. I sighed, dropping it into the bottom of my backpack.
How much longer? I asked myself. How much longer can I keep this secret?
When I turned, Carl was already behind me. He was staring at my empty hands.
"Kat..." He breathed. He looked up, searching my blank face.
Dammit, I thought. He wasn't supposed to see. I don't want him to know my secret. I love him, but he can't know. I can't let him worry. He's got enough terrible thoughts in his head.
I swallowed, staring at him.
"What?" I asked, lifting the backpack onto my shoulders. I hated keeping the note from Carl, but it was too much for him.
"Give me the note," he demanded, holding out his hand. The group was away from us, packing up their things. I stared at Carl's outstretched hand.
"I can't," I choked out.
"Give it to me. Now," he repeated. I shook my head.
"No, I-"
"I wasn't asking, Kat! Give it to me!" He growled, his voice raising. I stepped back, tensing up. I shook my head again, and Carl stepped towards me again. Soon, Carl was walking me backwards.
"No, stop, Carl," I said shakily, clutching the straps of the backpack. Carl's eyes darkened, and he grabbed my arm, spinning me around. His hand found the zipper of my backpack, but I squirmed out of his grasp and pushed him away.
"No! No! Stop!" I protested, frantically searching for a way to run. Carl grabbed my waist, and I fought against him.
"Get off of me! Get off!" I cried, kicking in the air and attempting to flee. Rick suddenly was there, yanking us apart.
"What the hell is going on here?" He huffed, pushing Carl away further from me. I stared at Carl, my breath hitching.
He was going to take it from you, I thought. By force. He was just going to grab it. What's gotten into him?
As I thought, I remembered his eyes. So dark and cold, and he threw himself onto me for what he wanted.
"Nothing," Carl muttered, wiping the sweat off his face with the back of his hand. I breathed out a breath I didn't know I was holding.
"Are you alright, Kat?" Rick asked. I nodded my head. Rick whispered his next words to me. "Was he trying to...?"
I immediately shook my head, looking at Carl. "No. He was being a jackass."
Carl rubbed his teeth together in anger. Rick grabbed Carl's arm roughly, yanking him away from me. I swallowed.
I may be keeping a dark secret, I thought. But Carl has a dark heart. How do I fix this? What have I done?
I ran a hand through my hair and watched as Carl and Rick argued back and forth. I only paid attention when Carl screamed a curse at Rick and flipped him off. I gasped as Carl shoved his dad backwards and grabbed his gun from beside his bag, disappearing into the trees. I dropped my backpack and went towards Rick, helping him off the dirt. I shook my head at Rick, disappearing into the trees as well.
"Carl!" I called. "Carl!"
I weaved my way down, looking around for footprints. I heard rustling in the trees beside me, and I called out Carl's name again. A movement went around in the bushes, and I saw more flashes of color. I moved the leaves aside and saw nothing. I started running again, hearing steps behind me. I turned around, expecting to see Carl. Instead, a tall walker stood there, growling. I didn't grab my knife in time, and it tackled me to the floor. I groaned in defeat, trying to push it off. I panicked when I felt its teeth graze my skin. I screamed loudly. It only motivated the walker, and it leaned in towards my neck. I felt its breath against me and I shoved it with everything I had. It toppled to the side, and I took the chance and brought my knife down. I collapsed onto the floor, screaming again.
I had been so close to death. It was creeping up on my shoulders, biting the hairs on the back of my neck. I could feel it all the time, nipping at my heels and reminding me that I was never fully safe, no matter how close Carl's lips were to me. Thinking about him made me want to cry. Something was wrong, terribly wrong. The thoughts, my secrets, the journey to the coast. My lies were adding up, and I knew that I had sins on my lips now.
You always have, you idiot, I realized. You've just been too gullible and too stupid to figure it out. You're a liar. You're a traitor.
My throat felt like it was on fire, and suddenly I realized I was still screaming. I opened my eyes, feeling dizzy. Someone was shaking me. It was Carl. His eyes were still dark, but his lips quivered as they searched my bewildered expression. I threw my arms around Carl, making terrible noises into his shirt.
"I'm sorry I ran. I'm sorry," he chanted in my ear. "I never should've left, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."
I tried to catch my breath, still thinking. Death had never been so close in my life. Death had never been so cruel, so agonizing. Death had always been there, but now I was the one it paid attention to. It made me afraid of the future. It made me afraid that Carl's overprotectiveness and my knowledge and our relationship could be the death of us.
No, I told myself. Fix it. Love Carl. Fix it all.
I gripped onto Carl's jacket tighter, loving the smell.
You can't love him fully, I thought sadly. You've kept too many secrets, lied too many times. Tell him the truth or don't tell him at all. Choose the latter, but someday you'll have to speak the lies on your lips as truth and say what is needed to be said. You can't keep anyone safe for too long.
Carl lifted me up and carried me back. He was saying soothing words into my ear, rubbing the jacket that he once wore. I had it around me, something warm and thick and something that wasn't mine.
Like your secrets, something said to me. Your secrets are hot and thick and they aren't yours to keep. Say it, you coward. Tell them what you know, or you'll get them all killed. Is that what you want? Or is your selfishness something you'll keep 'til the day you die?
I wanted to scream again, kick the voices out of my head. But Carl was holding onto me tighter, and my throat was too dry to say anything. Carl made it back to where we were settled, and he placed me onto a duffel bag to sit on. He bent down to my level, lifting my chin to meet his eyes.
"I didn't mean to run. I'm sorry I tried to take the note. I'm sorry-" He began.
"I-I get it, Carl. D-Don't apologize," I replied, my voice scratchy. Carl's eyes were still dark, but they looked at me with a sense of weakness.
He really does love you, I thought sadly. He loves you enough that he told you what he thinks. You were scared, but he told you. He didn't want to lie to you, he told you about the darkness against his heart. Now, you need to tell about the darkness against your thoughts. But you won't. Because you're a coward, and you don't want to put people in danger.
I wanted to tell Carl everything, right then and right there. But I couldn't. I was such a stupid girl. I wanted to tell him so bad, like he told me what he thought. He made me so afraid, but he loved me enough to be honest with me.
What would he think if he knew what I was keeping?
How would he react?
He would think that he can't trust you, I thought. He loves you, but he couldn't trust you. Isn't that awful?
Carl's eyes burned into mine.
"Why won't you tell me about the note? I don't like secrets, Kat," he said softly, rubbing his thumbs across my cheekbones. I couldn't do it. I couldn't answer.
I kept my mouth closed and just stared at him helplessly. His eyes became watery, glossy. They spoke in a deeper anger, and he stood up fiercely. He turned and walked away from me, his step angry and frustrated. I put my head in my hands and willed the tears back behind my eyes.
Karma's a bitch.