A/N: A few Natsu thoughts for you all! Hope you like it. Please review, try to be kind :)
He was miserable. He'd never been this upset before—not even about baseball. And that meant something.
He didn't want to eat, he didn't want to sleep. Even the idea of playing baseball bored him—something that had never occurred before. The only activities Natsu was even slightly interested in involved punching Gray in the jaw and talking to Lucy.
He could talk to Lucy, sure. That one was easy. Except his stomach was in knots and his heart started to hurt whenever he saw her and now, today, he didn't think he could.
And yes, he could also punch Gray in the jaw, but he knew that would tick Lucy off, and he never wanted to do that. Besides, did he even have the right to be upset? Gray asked Lucy out, Lucy said yes. Not really anything wrong there.
Except that it was wrong. Everything was wrong. Everything hurt. His heart, his lungs, his ribs, his head...
When he'd woken up, Lucy was long gone. He'd slept in. He vaguely remembered her shaking him, trying to jolt him awake; after a while, she'd headed off, refusing to be late yet again because of him. He didn't even try to wake up, go to school. He was too tired, too mad, too sad.
He hadn't slept very much last night; the thought of Lucy and Gray, out on a date...it shook him.
Everything—all of these feelings, stirring inside of his stomach—all boiled down to him and Gray fighting. None of this would've happened had he not had one simple conversation with Gray.
It happened yesterday, first block. Gray sat down beside Natsu and said he needed to ask him something. Natsu had shrugged, told him to ask away. What he heard next changed everything.
"Do you mind if I ask Lucy out?"
Natsu had blinked for a second, sputtering out some stupid response. "You wanna...what?"
"Yeah," Gray had nodded, continuing. "I know you guys are close, and I didn't want it to make anything weird by me and her getting together without notice, so I thought it would be good to let you know first."
Natsu's face had twisted up into a stupid look. His hands were fists, and he wasn't really sure why. "Why do you wanna ask her out?"
Gray had given the pink haired boy a funny look. "Because...I like her?"
Natsu crossed his arms. "Well—I mean." He paused. "I don't think it's such a good idea."
Gray frowned, now. "You don't?"
"No."
"Why's that?"
"Because," Natsu had huffed out under his breath. "You're just...you're not a good match. You'll date and then you'll break up and everything will be weird."
Gray raised an eyebrow. "What if we don't break up?"
Natsu's eyes dropped to the ground for a split second as he muttered the words quietly. "Even worse."
Gray's frown grew; his eyes searched his best friend. "Do you like her, or somethin'?"
Natsu's eyes widened. "What? No!"
"Then what's your problem?"
"It's Lucy!" Natsu cried. "You can't date Lucy!"
"Give me a good reason why I can't!" Gray fought back.
Natsu's mouth opened, but nothing came out for a solid ten seconds. "It's just—you know! She's our friend and she's my best friend, and I don't think—"
"Maybe I want to be more than friends with her!"
"Well, you can't!" Natsu spat back. "Not her! Go for someone else!"
Gray's expression was cold, now. "So, lemme get this straight. You don't want me to date Lucy, and your only reasoning behind it is because 'she's Lucy'?"
Natsu's eyebrows tugged down. "Uh, yes?"
Of course, by this point, Natsu already knew what was going on. The jealousy and protectiveness swirling within his gut was notifying him of something he'd already become aware of: his affection for Lucy.
He'd tried to ignore it up until that point, pretended it didn't exist. Because it was Lucy, for god's sake! His best friend since he was five! He couldn't like her, not like that. It was wrong. It was stupid. It was setting himself up for a lifetime of heartache.
So, he'd tucked the feelings away, pushed them to the back of his mind. Because she would never want him like that and the thoughts were a waste of time and she was so out of his league. And it was Lucy! The idea that he liked Luce, his partner in crime, his best friend for life, the person that was basically a family member...well, it was sort of bothersome. It irked him. He felt like a jackass.
She'd wear all these skimpy clothes and he'd practically have to stare at the clouds all day long because she was so pretty and so attractive, but she was Lucy. And he felt like a pervert for noticing her cleavage and he felt like a douchebag for looking at her long legs, so he refused to allow himself to even notice her body. She was Lucy. He wasn't supposed to admire her pretty hair or grin to himself when she bent over, because this was his best friend and he wasn't about to objectify her. He had to control himself. It was Lucy.
So he tried to forget that he loved the way her laugh sounded and he tried to forget how great her body looked and he tried to erase the many thoughts about her eyes from his brain. Because it was Lucy, and he wasn't allowed to think of her like that.
And it didn't help that sometimes she wore her hair pulled back and she looked just like she did when she was little, because the memories only made his heart ache more. The fact that she was his best friend and knew everything about him only made him like her more and more, and seeing her like that, with her hair pulled back and her old sweatpants on, well, it almost made him want to cry. Because she was his Lucy still, and he'd missed her so much when she was gone, and she meant the world to him.
But he focused on forgetting. He had to, out of respect for his best friend.
And then Gray showed up and said all of that, and it just kickstarted everything Natsu had tried to forget. The feelings in his chest and the ache in the pit of his stomach and all of the intricate thoughts about Lucy's eyes and hair and the way she snored when she slept came straight to the forefront of his mind.
Gray got mad, saying Natsu was just trying to hold him back, that he was being stupid. Gray left and Natsu yelled at him as he walked away.
He did feel bad, though. Lucy was beautiful and funny and perfect. Why wouldn't Gray want to date her? But the idea of Lucy with someone else, the idea of her hugging Gray and kissing Gray...well, he couldn't handle it.
Maybe that was wrong. Because he couldn't control Lucy, he couldn't stop her from dating boys. He wasn't in charge of her like that. But in that moment, in that single second of weakness, he yelled at Gray and got mad at him for seeing Lucy like that—such hypocrisy—and he wanted to kill him.
Because Lucy was his.
She wasn't. Not even at all. And he felt like such a jackass for even having that idea planted in his head.
Gray went off and told Gajeel and Laxus what happened, and they took his side. They thought that Natsu wasn't being fair, that Gray should have the opportunity to take a chance with Lucy. And Natsu didn't blame them, honestly. He knew they were right. Gray did deserve that chance. But he just couldn't do it. He just couldn't give Gray his blessing, let him go forth and ask Lucy on a date. He felt like such a dick, but what was he supposed to do? Happily send Lucy off to fall in love with Gray?
No. So he was a dick and he was grumpy about it. He sat on the far end of the cafeteria. He didn't want to see Gray, didn't want to think about his stupid face. He didn't want to imagine Gray going out with Lucy, holding her hand, kissing her cheek. The thought made him want to throw up.
He asked Lucy not to hang out with Gray tonight, because he knew that's when Gray would ask. She didn't understand and he begged her not to ask any questions, because he wouldn't know what to say. She'd ask why she couldn't hang out with Gray, and he'd say what? Because he's gonna ask you out and I can't let that happen because I think I'm falling in love with you? He couldn't.
But she didn't ask any questions and she didn't hang out with Gray and Natsu thought that maybe everything would be fine, for now. Obviously Gray would ask at another point, but maybe Natsu would have dealt with his feelings by then. Maybe his crush would go away and maybe it would be okay.
He was lying to himself, because he knew it wasn't just a crush and he knew it wasn't about to go away, but there was no point focusing on that.
He hung out with Lucy and everything was going fine, because she was there with him and she was laughing and smiling and he was so happy he thought he might die. She went home to shower and he waited there, laying on his bed and smiling up at the roof.
He'd never done that before, smiled up at the ceiling because of a girl. He supposed that's what falling in love with someone did to you—affected you so much more than a simple crush on some random girl.
But then there was movement out of the corner of his eye and Natsu saw Lucy open her bedroom door. Gray was there. Natsu's heart pounded and his hands were balled into fists very suddenly and the urge to punch the kid was back. But he couldn't do that, so instead he just dropped to the ground, laying on his stomach so that Gray wouldn't see him through the window.
He hadn't meant to eavesdrop, not at first. He'd just happened to lay near the can that dangled from his windowsill, and he'd heard the whispers of their conversation. So, after a second, he'd grabbed the can, knuckles white, and held it to his ear, straining to listen.
Gray asked Lucy if she liked Natsu. She seemed shocked that he would even ask. Natsu felt his heart drop, his whole body ache with the kind of disappointment that boils your blood, gets stuck in your veins, kills you.
Gray asked her on a date. She'd gone quiet for a while, and then responded. She'd said yes.
Lucy was going to go on a date with Gray.
Natsu was furious with Gray for still going through with asking—even though he totally understood it at the same time—and he was disappointed and upset and just everything, all emotions all at once. He wanted to cry and he wanted to punch something and he wanted to punch himself, because why was he so goddamn mad if he hadn't even made a move himself? But he couldn't, because it was his best friend and he wasn't about to go and make a move on his best friend, because that would be reading into the situation wrong and taking advantage of their closeness. So, he was stuck in a box, and that had lead to this whole mess.
Gray had left and Lucy had gone silent, and Natsu's heart was hurting but he was worried about her, because why was she so quiet? Weren't girls usually happy about this sort of thing? So he grabbed his can and he called her name.
She responded pretty quickly, but her voice was different. Almost...afraid. Like she wanted Natsu's approval, like she wanted to know if things were okay.
So rather than be a dick and try and control her life and stop her from dating boys, Natsu gave in. She was his best friend and she needed him to be okay with her dating a guy and even though it sort of killed him, he gave it to her. He couldn't hide the sadness in his voice but he asked her if she was coming back over for another movie or something—he wasn't sure, his mind was jumbled—hoping that it would express his approval.
He would step back, let them date, let them fall in love. It wasn't his place to make decisions for her, he was just there to support her. After all, she'd said yes to Gray—that must mean that she liked him, had a crush on him. Who was Natsu to say Lucy couldn't go out with the guy she liked? So he stopped being mad at Gray and he desperately tried to stop the disappointment from taking over his body.
She'd come over and they'd watched a movie and they'd fallen asleep in his bed and he'd hugged her tight to his chest because he knew things would be different now. He couldn't love her, not when she was going out with Gray. It would be horrible of him to think about how pretty her eyes were when she was dating Gray. He had to stop.
And there wouldn't be sleepovers or movie nights anymore, because you can't do that, not with the boy next door when you've got a boyfriend. So he hugged her tight and tried to lock in these memories one last time.
When he woke up, she was gone. He'd slept in. He vaguely remembered her prodding at him, trying to wake him up, but to no avail; she'd headed off, refusing to be late again. And Natsu had slept, too upset and angry with himself for feeling like this in the first place to go to school.
And when he was finally ready to get out of bed, he didn't go to class. He grabbed his baseball bat and his mitt and headed off to the diamond, to his favorite place in the world.
He didn't even want to play baseball, which struck him as horrifying. He hit the ball around for an hour or two, and then went back home. He turned his lights off and put a movie in and tried not to think about Lucy, or Gray, or Lucy and Gray together.
When school ended, Lucy came home. She talked to him through the can, asking him why he didn't show, that she was worried. Natsu said he wasn't feeling well, that he might have a stomach bug or something. Lucy looked worried and said maybe she should stay home, not go out tonight, take care of him.
As much as he wanted to take her up on the offer, Natsu shrugged it off and told her that that would be a waste of time. He told her to have fun on her date. The words burnt his tongue as they left his lips, but he gave her a sad little smile and tried really hard to sell him being happy for her.
Lucy smiled back and asked if she could show him a couple outfits. She couldn't decide on what to wear on the date and she needed his help.
Why don't you just kill me? Natsu asked, the idea strangling him, but he nodded and wrapped his blanket around his shoulders and perched himself at his window.
She'd go to her bathroom and come out in an outfit, and Natsu would rate it out of ten.
They were all tens, but he told her to wear this pretty red dress that made her blonde hair pop. He imagined her wearing that on a date with him, and his heart nearly burst. She looked so pretty. Gray was a lucky man.
Before Natsu knew it, it was nearly time for Lucy's date, and she left her windowsill, leaving him behind, to go finish touching up. She did her makeup and curled her hair and wore high heels. She looked beautiful, but Natsu preferred sweatpants and a ponytail.
Her doorbell rang and she gave him a nervous grin and he wished her good luck. She left and Natsu stared at her bedroom for a little bit, feeling a little dead inside, before he turned back and went and laid in bed.
He tried not to be upset. She was happy, so he should be happy for her. She was going out on a date with the boy she liked. As her best friend, he was supposed to be overjoyed.
But instead he was just...not. And he felt awful about it.
So he figured he'd go to sleep, deal with his thoughts tomorrow.
When Lucy came home from her date, feet aching from her heels and hair falling out of the perfect plait she'd constructed, all she wanted to do was see Natsu.
The date had been fine and Gray had been a perfect gentleman and they'd chatted all evening, but the feeling in her gut still hadn't changed. It felt wrong. He felt wrong. He was nice and charming and lovely, but he wasn't right. She felt like she'd betrayed herself by saying yes, and she felt even worse when she got home from the date.
Gray was nice, but he wasn't Natsu.
So, she'd dashed up the stairs, desperate to land her eyes on the pink haired boy that lived next door. She knew he'd calm her down, make her feel better even without knowing how messed up she felt. He didn't need to know—Natsu naturally calmed her down just with his presence.
She pushed past her door, mouth open, a smile touching her lips as she prepared to see him.
But then she stopped, frozen in her tracks and she looked out her window.
She couldn't see into his room. His curtains were pulled shut, blocking her out.
In the many years they'd been neighbors, Natsu's curtains had only shut once—and that was when the boys had caught Lucy in her underwear and Natsu had hurriedly pulled them closed to protect her innocence. But now, they were shut. It was a bizarre feeling, looking out her window and seeing the plaid fabric where Natsu's face should be.
Lucy's heart dropped and she went to the bathroom and wiped the makeup off, wiped her fake face off. She pulled her hair out and brushed it, then pulled it back into a pony. She grabbed her old sweatpants and tugged them on, and then went back into her room, feeling so much more comfortable now.
Curtains still closed.
It wasn't a sight she could get used to.
A little upset, she went to bed. She fell asleep immediately, the stress of the day taking its toll on her.