I opened the door and pushed it open so Bradley would follow. I glanced back. His hands were stuffed into his jacket pockets and he was looking at me almost nervously.
I led him into the family room. Where he sat on a barstool and followed me with his eyes as I disappeared into the kitchen.
I threw a frozen pizza in the oven and once it was ready we ate in silence. You would think it would have been awkward, but it was a comfortable silence.
We made some small talk but nothing that was the least bit significant.
Finally, Bradley stood up to leave.
"Wait," I called as his back was turned toward me. He turned away and met my eyes. I knew what I wanted to say but I was too scared to say it.
"Yea?" he asked, when he noticed that I wasn't saying anything.
"it's just..." I let out an uneasy breath and paused. "Can you stay?" I said so quietly that I was sure he hadn't heard me. His face didn't change and he was staring at me intensely.
"Sure." his voice was quiet but confident. He walked back into my room and sat on the long couch accross from my bed. I reached into my closet and pulled out a couple blankets and a pillow. I handed them to him silently and he gave me a small smile as he took them.
I went into my bathroom to brush my teeth and change my clothes. I walked back out into my room in sweatpants and tank-top. I then headed to my closet and pulled out a pair of Aaron's sweatpants that for some reason are always in my closet.
"Here, its Aaron's." I said to Bradley.
"Thanks." he said, taking the navy blue sweatpants from me.
"And there's an extra toothbrush in the medicine cabinet." I said, nodding to my bathroom. Bradley nodded and went inside. A few minutes later he came back out in just sweatpants and a white t-shirt that was under his jacket from earlier. I was sitting on my bed when he came out and we just stared at each other for a few moments.
"It's late." Bradley finally said, looking past me and at the clock. I nodded and crawled under my blanket. I watched as Bradley did the same on the couch.
"Good night." I whispered.
"Good night." he replied. I reached over to my nightstand and turned off the light. I stared at the dark ceiling for what felt like forever. I couldn't fall asleep. Restlessly I turned over in my bed. Through the dark, my eyes caught the bottle of Nyquil sitting on my dresser. I had the urge to grab it and drain the bottle. I would surely fall asleep, but then my eyes found Bradley sleeping peacefully on the couch and I knew he would be disappointed if he found out. So I turned over again, closed my eyes, and waited endlessly for sleep to come.
***
Tristan was there. He was beside me. I glanced at his face - it was scared. What's wrong? I tried to ask him, but I couldn't hear my voice. Tristan. I tried to yell. He hadn't heard me. He was swallowing pills four at a time. He poured alcohol into his mouth. STOP! I yelled. But again I couldn't hear my voice. Could Tristan even see me. I saw him fall to the floor. I ran towards him but I never reached him.
***
I sat up abruptly in my bed. I was looking all around my room. It was still dark outside. I felt someone shaking me but it took me a few moments to really understand what was happening.
"Hannah." someone whispered my name.
"Tristan." I breathed in disbelief when I met his eyes. My room was dark but the green eyes overwhelmed the blackness around us.
"No." I heard a whisper. Again, my world came crashing down. "It's me."
I bit my lip. I thought he was back. I thought the nightmare was over. But it wasn't.
"Bradley." I whispered, feeling like I was about to cry.
"Yes." he whispered back. I shook my head and looked down.
"Are you okay?" he asked, resting his hand on my arm. His hand was like fire on my skin.
"Yea." I said.
"What happened?" Bradley asked. I was breathing heavy.
"Nothing it was just a dream." NIGHTMARE my mind yelled. I looked away from Bradley and he reached over and gently moved my face back to meet his gaze. In that moment I hated his eyes. I hated what they reminded me of, and I hated that it wasn't Tristan that I was looking at.
I looked down again and I felt a tear escape. I tried to ease my breathing, hoping Bradley wouldn't notice me cry. He reached for my face again, but the second his fingers made contact with face I said;
"Please don't make me look into your eyes again." the moment I said those words I wished I hadn't. As if Bradley wasn't tortured enough. As if his face didn't remind everyone else of Tristan.
Bradley immedietely dropped his hand and froze.
"Bradley." I whispered. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." I heard his breathing become hard.
"It's not your fault." was all he said.
"No it is. You're not Tristan. I'm sorry. I know you're not him." I said through my tears. I gripped at his shirt to make sure he was really there. He was pulling away from me, as if disgusted with himself and I knew he felt guilty that he reminded everyone of Tristan.
I couldn't tell the difference between nightmares and reality anymore.
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." I repeated to him.
"I am too." he said softly.
"Go back to sleep." he whispered to me. I shook my head.
"I don't want to have another nightmare." I said, holding my breath. Would he think I was weak?
"You won't." he said. I didn't know how he could be so sure but I believed him. I swallowed and laid back down.
"Stay here." I whispered and I closed my eyes as my hands were still in a fist around the hem of Bradley's shirt, scared that he would slip away.
My dreams were peaceful.
My alarm rang at 7. I slammed the off button with one hand. Glancing next to me, I realized that Bradley was there, asleep. Memories from the previous night came to me. I dreamed of Tristan and I made myself look like a helpless little girl for the millionth time in front of Bradley.
I slipped out from my bed and went into my bathroom to get ready. When I came back out Bradley was already awake. He was back in jeans and his jacket from yesterday. The sweatpants were lying neatly folded on top of the folded blankets and the pillow.
"Um." I didn't know what to say to Bradley at this point.
"I'm going to go home and clean up. I have class in a couple hours." he spoke.
"Class?" I asked.
"You know... College." he said with a nervous smile. I nodded. I never thought of that.
"Okay." I said. I followed Bradley down the stairs and opened the door for him to leave.
"Bye." I said to him. He stood there silently for a few seconds.
"Bye." he said with a soft smile and he left. I raced back upstairs and jumped into the shower. By the time I was ready to leave, school had already started. I walked into school late, this time it was a little bit easier to ignore the stares and whispers.
Despite that, I still really didn't want to be at school. It was just uncomfortable. I couldn't relate to the people around me. Before my third class started, I left school and was walking toward my car. i would just leave. One absent on my record wouldn't hurt me. As I entered the parking lot I saw Mr. Bennett. I tried to walk into a different direction but he had already noticed me.
"Hannah Avery. Where do you think you are going in the middle of the school day?" Mr. Bennett questioned, flashing an amused smile.
"Home." I said, nervously.
"Do you have a pass?" he asked. I didn't show any reaction.
"I'm assuming that means no." he paused. I still didn't say anything.
"When is Aaron coming home?" Mr. Bennet asked, his voice suddenly more serious. I had forgotten that Mr. Bennett was such good friends with Aaron.
"Um.. Tonight." I said. Mr. Bennett nodded and studied my face.
"How are you?" he asked sincerely. He was trying to get too close for my comfort.
"I'll go back to class if it means getting away from this awkwardness." I said lightly. Mr. Bennett let out a short laugh.
"Just this once Avery." He told me, nodding for me to leave. I walked past him and to my car. I got in and drove away. Once I reached home, I opened the front door, prepared to pass out on the couch from the lack of sleep I got the night before.
There was a suitcase in the hallway. I walked into the kitchen.
"Aaron." I said in surprise. He raised his eyebrows.
"Shouldn't you be in school?" he asked me.
"What are you doing here?" I asked him.
"Caught an earlier flight. Shouldn't you be in school?" he repeated. He sounded so fatherly.
"I should be." I admitted. "Bennett let me come home." I told Aaron. Aaron sighed.
"School's important." Aaron insisted.
"I know. I just didn't feel like being there." I said with a groan.
"Great excuse." Aaron said sarcastically. "So what have you been up to the past few days?" Aaron eyed me suspiciously. He was asking about Tristan's death without directly addressing it.
"You know... nothing much." I trailed off.
"Had any company over?" he asked. I wasn't sure why he was asking that.
"Bradley came over a few times." I said flatly. Aaron raised an eyebrow.
"Why?" he asked.
"Didn't you tell him to check on me?" I asked.
"Once. Why did he come over here a few times?'" Aaron asked.
"I don't know he just did. Why are you interrogating me?" I asked, annoyed.
"It's just - I hope you guys are just friends." Aaron said.
"We are. What difference does it make?" I was growing more annoyed.
"I don't think it would be a good idea for either of you to get involved. You would both end up feeling guilty." Aaron said carefully.
"We are not involved!" I rolled my eyes. "I'm done with this conversation. It's great to have you back." I tried to say sincerely. I turned and went up to my room.
Hours and hours later, there was a knock on my door.
"There's dinner on the counter." Aaron called.
"Not hungry." I mumbled. I don't know why I was being so cold. Aaron didn't deserve it but I just couldn't help myself. I heard Aaron walk away. By 11 PM I gave in to my growling stomach and went downstairs. The lights were off, Aaron must have been in his room. I ate the pizza that was on the counter and went back to my room. This depressing routine seemed to becoming too much of a habit and I knew I had to break it. I brushed my teeth, changed my clothes and crashed onto my bed.
It was getting late so I thought I would give sleep a try. I closed my eyes. Sleep didn't come. I flashed my eyes open in frustration and glanced at the clock by my bed. 1:30. When did so much time pass?
I glanced at the Nyquil still on my dresser but again refrained from taking any.
I reached for my phone as a reflex of my boredom. One new text.
Are you still awake? - Bradley
Can't Sleep Either? I replied to his text.
Nope. He replied. I sighed. Wondering what I should say or if I should say anything in reply.
Do you want to come kill the spider on my wall that won't stop staring at me? I asked him.
That's what I'm here for. Be there in 10.
I smiled at the text and sat back on my bed. Suddenly I realized Aaron definitely wasn't letting Bradley in at this time of night.
Text me when you get here so I can get you in without Aaron noticing.
I wondered if Bradley would be hesitant to go behind Aaron's back. Ten minutes later I received a text.
I'm ready to kill the spider!
I glanced at the wall. The spider was gone. Damn! I laughed to myself and quietly climbed down the steps. I slowly opened the front door and not a sound was made. I saw Bradley standing there in sweats and a light zip-up jacket with a grin on his face. I raised my finger up to my mouth as too tell him to be quiet. He nodded, took his shoes off and followed me in the house.
We climbed the steps and reached my room. I closed and locked the door behind me so Aaron couldn't come in to check on me or anything. I considered that the locked door might worry Aaron but I didn't let that thought linger for very long.
"Where's the spider?" Bradley whispered with a mocking smile.
"I don't know anymore." I said honestly. Bradley chuckled lightly.
"So what's up?" he asked me.
"I'm really tired but I can't sleep." I sighed.
"Preaching to the choir." Bradley mumbled under his breath. I looked at him in surprise. He had fallen asleep immedietely last night.
"Oh please. I was awake to hear you tossing and turning all last night." Bradley said as if he had read my mind. I blushed tomato red.
"Sorry -" I started.
"Don't apologize I would have been awake either way." he said, blushing slightly himself. I frowned.
"Do you dream about Tristan?" I asked. Suddenly I realized I hadn't actaully meant to say that out loud. That was just supposed to be a thought inside of my head!
"Yes." he said softly but I could tell he didn't want to go into further details. He refused to make eye contact with me just then. I nodded but didn't say anything.
"I'm kind of tired." I said, when I had nothing else to say. He started heading for the couch, reaching for the blanket that was left there from this morning.
"Can you - I just..." I closed my mouth. Bradley glanced at me, waiting for me to continue.
"I just didn't get nightmares after you were next to me last night." I said, hoping he would be able to infer what I was aking him. He nodded and grinned.
"Is that your way of asking me to sleep with you?" Bradley asked. I let out a quiet laugh.
"Only in the most appropriate sense." I assured him. He rolled his eyes and pulled the covers from my bed.
"Is this appropriate?" he asked when we were both lying on my bed about a foot apart.
"It's about as appropriate as it can get without one of us falling off the bed." I replied. I heard him chuckle. I turned off the light.
"Good night Bradley." I whispered.
"Good night Hannah." he replied. I closed my eyes and for the first time since Tristan died, I fell asleep immedietely without the help of any drugs.
***
There was a boy on the ground. His eyes were open and they were desperate. They were helpless and begging me for help. But I was frozen I couldn't move. Hannah! He was yelling my name. I tried to move forward to reach out for him but it was no use. Bradley! I tried to yell his name. I couldn't lose him too. He couldn't leave. His eyes were weakening and they were closing. Open your eyes! I yelled at him. Again, it was no use. I had no control or power over anything. Everything was falling apart around me and I couldn't do anything to stop it.
***
Someone was shaking me. I opened my eyes and it felt like deja vu.
"What happened?" I breathed, my eyes darting everywhere.
"You're crying." a voice said from beside me. I placed one hand on my face, it was wet with tears. I hadn't even noticed.
"Oh." was all I managed to say.
"Was it about Tristan?" Bradley asked me. I looked at him and frowned.
"No." I said in realization.
"Then... what?" Bradley asked in confusion. I stared at him through the dark but didn't say a word. I wasn't sure what to say.
"What was it?" he asked again, his voice was very gentle.
"It was you." I whispered, more to myself than to him.
"Me?" he asked in disbelief. I nodded but I couldn't say anything.
"What happened?" he asked calmly.
"You were just... you were just lying there." I crinkled my nose to stop from crying. "and you closed your eyes and I kept saying your name but you couldn't hear me and -" my rambling stopped. YOU DIED! I wanted to yell at him. Bradley was gone like his brother was.
"I'm right here and I'm okay." he said. His hand was on my arm just like the night before. I could feel the heat from his hand and the grip on my arm and it sent through me a sense of calm. My body was slightly shaking.
"I'm not going anywhere." Bradley whispered.
"Promise." I whispered.
"I promise." he said back in relief that I wasn't still in a panic.