Mom and I stand on the lookout. The very same lookout, on the very same mountain we three came to on my birthday every year. This is where he wants his ashes. The place where we were all three happy. The one time every year, before moving to Korea, that we were like a happy family.
Mom takes a breath.
"Gracie. He left us each a letter. I read mine, but here's yours."
She hands it to me and sits at the edge. I cautiously sit beside her and let my feet dangle. I unfold the letter...
My Gracie,
I'm sorry, but I couldn't do this anymore. The pain I've caused you and your mother is more than I can bear. When we were just teenagers, and your mom was expecting you, we were so excited and happy. I promised your mom the world. Instead I brought her nothing but heartache. When you came along, I swore I would be a better parent than I had ever known. I ruined that too. I put you through a life no little girl should ever have to go through. I'm so sorry my baby. I was beaten and raped by a demon of a man almost daily. I should've known better. My childhood is no excuse for what I've done. But I hope that one day maybe you can understand why that messed me up enough to think what I did to you was normal. Baby I can't tell you how sorry I am. Now, I've finally decided to end this. I've waited so long. I've been so scared. I don't want to go to Hell. I know I deserve it, but I'm scared. I find myself wishing there was reincarnation. It would be nice to have another shot at this. Maybe be a better man next time. I'm proud of the young woman you have become. Despite my efforts, you are amazing. I'm hoping me being gone will make you feel free. I know when they told me my stepdad had died I felt so much relief. I hope you can move on and find peace knowing I love you. I didn't show it the right way, but I love you.
Daddy
I don't even know what to do. I look over at Mom just staring out at the mountains. I take the urn and open it. I look out and ask Mom, "Is there anything you want to say?"
She takes a deep breath, "I've loved him for most of my life. I don't know what to do without him. I just hope he's at peace."
I nod and we both hold onto a side of the urn. We tilt it over and I watch what remains of my father blow in the wind across the Smokey Mountains. I can't imagine a better way to say goodbye to him. He wasn't the best dad, but he was my dad. There were nightmarish memories, but some good ones too. I can finally let go of the hurt. I can finally move on. After all, that's what he asked me to do.
Mom and I make our way back down the mountain. We share some of our good memories of my dad. I guess there are more than I thought. He knew how to make us laugh. He made us both cry allot, but we didn't want to think about the bad times. We wanted to enjoy being together. Not rehash old hurts.
I stayed with her for a few days. Just being with her and trying to help her cope. I tried to get her to come back to Korea with me, but her life was here now. She waved goodbye to me at the airport, and this time I was sad to leave her behind.
After way to much travel yet again I finally got back home. I could've kissed the ground when the plane landed in Seoul. I took a cab to my apartment and trudged up to the door. It flung open just before I turned the knob showing a beaming Mia.
"Yah! What took you so long?!"
She squeezed me so hard I thought my eyes would pop.
"Mia...Gracie can't breathe."
She stepped back, "Sorry Gracie-poo."
I unloaded my luggage, and flopped on the couch. I got my phone out to call JiYong.
"Hello beautiful! I've missed you!"
I smile to myself,"I missed you too."
"Can you come hang out with me later? I really want to see you. I've missed you so much. I need your lips too."
I giggled, "Sure but I desperately need a nap first. How about I cook you dinner tonight?"
I can hear the smile in his voice.
"You cook?"
"When the mood hits me, yeah. For some reason I want to take care of you. I can't imagine why." I tease him.
He snickers a little.
"Arasso. Do you know the way or should I pick you up?"
"Ummmm, I've never been there So maybe you should come get me."
"7:30 work?"
"Umhmm. I'll see you then."
We hang up and I grin like a child.
I head for my bedroom and sleep like the dead.
My alarm goes off at 6:00 and I get ready. I really want tonight to be special. So I pick out a nice outfit and something sexy underneath. I hope he likes it enough to want to take it off of me.
I'm so nervous that when my phone rings I jump. It's YB.
"Hello?"
"Hey! You come back home and don't even tell your bro? I had to find out from Ji bragging about you cooking for him tonight."
"Ok, ok, next time I'll call as soon as my plane lands alright?"
"Arasso, you better. Are you doing ok? I didn't call while you were away. I didn't want to bother you."
"You're never a bother YB."
"Good because I've got a favor to ask."
I roll my eyes, "I see you weren't checking on me you need a favor huh?"
"Aish, don't be like that. I need someone to help me look for..."
"Yeeesssss?"
"AringforHyoRin." He blurts out all at once.
I squeal and jump around.
"Aish my ear!"
"Sorry YB! Of course I'm so excited!"
He chuckles, "I'm glad. I need a girl's help on this one."
"I'm on it! We'll go tomorrow after work!"
"Ok, ok, calm down geez."
I hear a knock on the door.
"YB I think Ji is here. Gotta go."
"Yeah, Yeah you two go play. Geez I'm gonna puke."
"Love you too!"
We hang up and I run to the door.
I throw open the door and JiYong grabs me around the waist, lifting me up and spinning me. He puts me down and presses his lips to mine.
"You look great! I missed you like crazy."
He hugs me and we make our way to his car.
On the way to his place I tell him about my trip. I leave out nothing. He puts his hand on my leg, and rubs it reassuringly. I'm so happy to tell him everything, and he doesn't judge at all.
We get to his place. He opens the car door for me and helps me out. I walk up to possibly the nicest house I've ever seen. Its very modern, with clean cut lines. He grins when he sees me gawking.
He leads me inside and takes me to the living room. I can see straight up to the next floor. The ceiling is enormously high, and I catch myself gawking again.
He smirks, "I guess you like it."
I just nod, my mouth still hanging open.
He laughs and puts a finger under my chin, closing my mouth for me.
"I'm standing in high cotton now."
He tilts his head, "What?"
"Southern speech for, dang boy you be rich."
He doubles over laughing, "Oh God I missed you!"
He takes my hand and leads me to the kitchen.
"Now what do you need?"
I rattle off ingredients. He grabs them all, and lays them out for me.
"Need any help?"
"Nope! I'm cooking for YOU remember?"
He chuckles, "Arasso, but I don't want to stand here and do nothing."
"Hmmmm...pour us some wine, and keep me company?"
"That I'll do."
We have easy conversation while I cook. I have him laughing again. I love it when he laughs. He laughs with his whole self. It's really something to see.
I finish cooking and we eat. I'm better at making western food than Asian dishes, but he didn't seem to mind. I told him about my visit with my mom. He filled me in on his new music. Slyly asking me to join in on his efforts. Of course I agreed. Who could turn down working with him?
After dinner, we take a seat in the living room. We're cuddled up just enjoying being together. Until, I turn and start kissing him. He wraps his arms around my waist and pulls me close. I melt just like before. Only this time, I'm not scared.
I lace my fingers in his hair and deepen the kiss. Then let my right hand drift down until I'm pulling his hip closer. He makes a low groan, and rubs my side with his left hand. I take that hand and gently place it on my chest. His breath hitches, and he pulls back to look me in the eyes.
"Are you sure? You know you don't have to..."
I look at him and climb onto his lap. I'm facing him and whisper against his lips, "I know, but I want you Ji. In every way."
He crashes his lips against mine and his tongue begins exploring my mouth while his hands are all over my body. I moan into the kiss, and he stands up lifting me with him.
He carries me to his bedroom and lets me stand up. He lifts my shirt away along with his. He gasps a little when he sees my red lace bra. Then makes short work of the rest of our clothes until we're both in our underwear. I'm very happy to see that he seems to like my lingerie. He picks me up and lays me on the bed gently.
He crawls onto the bed on top of me. He kisses all over my neck leaving a few hickeys here and there. My hands are all over him. I can't get close enough. He reaches behind me and unhooks my bra, throwing it. He smirks as he takes his hand and rubs my breasts before leaning down and kissing them too. Leaving even more hickeys. He kisses back up to my ear and gently bites the lobe.
"You are so beautiful and sexy," he whispers in a husky voice.
I shudder just a bit and reach down to tease the tip of his erection through his boxers. He lets out a moan and throws his head back. Then kisses down to my underwear, pulling them down with his teeth.
I can't help but giggle when he does that and wiggles his eyebrows at me. He sits back on his knees with my panties dangling from his mouth and throws them to the side. He slides his boxers off and throws them somewhere too. Crawling back up to my lips he kisses me again and reaches down my body. Rubbing me where I'm aching to be touched.
"You're soooooo wet and warm. I don't think I can wait anymore."
I lean up and whisper in his ear, "Then don't."
He bounces off the bed and grabs a foil packet from his night stand, rips it open with his teeth, and rolls the contents down his length. He climbs back on top of me.
He kisses just below my ear, and bites my lobe a bit again as he slides into me. He gives me just a moment to adjust. When he hears me let out a sigh, he begins to roll his hips into me.
I let out a moan that causes him to go faster. My hands are all over his body.
"Come closer baby," I whisper between gasps.
He lays down on me and I wrap my legs around him. Letting him go deeper. I kiss and lick the Roman numeral tattoo on his neck and shoulder earning a delicious groan from him.
He flips us so I'm on top.
"Ride me baby," he gasps out.
I roll my hips and he moans, digging his fingers into my hips. I pick up speed and he's going crazy under me. He flips us again so he's on top, grabs under my legs and throws them over his shoulders. Practically bending me in half.
I'm about to go over the edge, "Baby I'm..I'm about to...oh God!"
"Go for it baby."
Pleasure and electricity shoot through my body.
He feels me clamp around him and he follows me in just a few more thrusts.
He collapses on me catching his breath. Leaning back up on his elbows, he kisses me softly, then my nose. He slides out of me and throws away the condom. I go to the restroom, and when I come back he throws back the covers and beckons me in. I slide in next to him and he holds me close. We drift off like that. Warm and glowing.
As I fall asleep with his arms around me, I feel like this is the first time I've ever given my body this willingly to anyone. He already had my heart.