At night the loneliness creeped through the corridors into his room and under his skin, deep into his flesh and bones and took away his breath. The unnatural cold on his skin made him want to run. However, he couldn't get out of his own skin.
All he wanted was someone at his side at night. He wanted to return to his private chambers and be greeted by someone or greet someone back. After a long and hard day full of work, he wanted to eat dinner together with another person and tell them about his day, his feelings, wishes, dreams, thoughts and ideas. He wanted to listen to someone else's day. At night he wished there were someone to share his bed with and feel their warmth. Was this too much to ask for? Instead he was on his own with his pessimistic thoughts, with his negative mind that told him that he wasn't loved – never had been loved – that he was alone – no friends, no family, no supporters – and that this would never change. Despite knowing that those thoughts were not true at all, he couldn't stop himself from shedding a tear and from somewhat believing them.
Kougyoku was his family, wasn't she? Judar was his friend, wasn't he? Both supported him and therefore they were his supporters, weren't they? And he slowly learned to trust and be more open with others and thereby made new friends or at least established new positive relationships. Or was he misinterpreting his situation?
No matter how hard he tried to push those thoughts aside, this voice inside his head did not stop telling him that they were true. If he had any friends, family or supporters then why was he alone as soon as he left his work place? Simple, he had none of the above mentioned. He was alone!
Everyone was probably at home and having a good time with their family and friends. Only he was on his own. Yes, only he was alone!
Whenever the loneliness creeped into him at night, he tried to push it aside by remembering the times with his brothers. Back in those days the world had been alright. Hakuryuu had loved watching his brothers during their sword practice and had dreamed about how he would also be such a great swordsman and serve the empire one day as well. He couldn't wait for the day on which his own practice would start and then his brothers may also teach him a few tricks. He would have loved to learn from them. Unfortunately, they never got the chance to teach him. This fact made him feel worse and hence he tried to not think about it, which surprisingly worked very well. The memories he had of his brothers were few, yet he could fill hours of loneliness with them. Hopefully, he would be able to make great memories with his family again someday. Who would have thought that memories could be so important to a person and their well-being?
Despite the tears he shed, he could not cry himself to sleep. The tears made it worse and his heart started to hurt. He hated it! It made him feel like a helpless little child.
As a child, he would have gone to his mother and have her comfort him, but neither was he a child nor did he have a mother anymore. There was no one to comfort him anyway. Not in this kind of situations nor in general. If he had someone, he wouldn't be in such a sorry state. Oh, how pathetic he was! What a disgrace for the Empire!
Sometimes he sat down next to his windows and looked up at the starry sky. It made him dream about all those heroes he had heard about in his childhood and made him dream about a world, in which he wasn't on his own at night. Somehow his mind was able to trick itself into believing that he wasn't alone and that in a few seconds someone would enter the room to keep him company. He just had to wait a little bit longer. Albeit, until now no one had ever come.
When looking at the sky he dreamed about all the things he wanted to do, if he had someone at his side. Holding hands, sharing secrets, eating together, cooking together, comforting each other, laughing together and just sitting next to each other. He wanted to be special to somebody. He wanted someone, who was special to him. Until now this person only existed in his dreams and that's why he clung to those – he knew his dreams would never come true and it was hard to be reminded of this every single day. His dreams could make him feel better, but also worse.
Hakuryuu sighed. He wished there were a way to get rid of his negative thoughts and the loneliness. Life was hard enough without them, so he would definitely not miss them! Well, maybe he was just too sensitive. He shouldn't complain so much. Other had it worse than him, right? And he? He was the emperor! There was nothing he couldn't get – at least theoretically. He should get his shit together and stop being such a crybaby. His brothers should be proud of him! But how could they, if all he did was complaining?
Once again he wanted to make a change and finally "became a man": Stop with crying and complaining and accept the things the way they were, stop being so emotional and only live to fulfill his role as emperor! Until now he had failed to follow this resolution, but today everything would change. This time it would definitely came true! This time it was not just an empty resolution, which was forgotten with the next blink. Yes, this time everything was different! Or not.
Honestly, whom did he try to trick here? How should he suddenly stop himself from feeling something? Why should he? He was an emotional person and there was nothing wrong with that. All he had to do, was to watch out that his feelings didn't get the best of him. Being led by emotions alone was not wise.
He was smart and could be very slick, if wanted or needed. Just because others had a low opinion of him, didn't mean that he had to look down on himself as well. Everyone else was just wrong! They wanted to put him down, because they were afraid of him, because they knew there was more to him than just a cute little boy. He had been in their way to power and so needed to push him down. His mind knew this, but liked to forget about it most of the time. His self-esteem was near the freezing point! And it was all their fault. It would take more years to recover from the hell he had been through.
*
On silent feet he made his way down the dark hallway. His destination was a room at the end. He was sure that the other one was sound asleep, who wouldn't at such a late hour – so he could carry out his plan without any interruption. Nervousness followed him ever since he had returned and made him look over his shoulder constantly. Hopefully no one had seen him until now. He didn't want anyone to ask questions. A part of him had awaited, longed for this day for so many years, another part wanted to run away and postpone this day further.
Yet, today was the right time to carry out his plan, because he only had the courage to do so now. It was just a feeling he had – one he had never thought to possess – that today everything would go smoothly. He would slip into the room, go through with his plan and then leave without anyone knowing that he had been there. Perfect!
His hands were sweaty. No surprise, since he was so nervous. A lot was on the line! What if he got caught in action? No, he shouldn't think like this! Think positive! Everything would go perfectly, just like that feeling, he had had not so long ago, had convinced him. Where was it now? Although he didn't want to admit it, he was afraid and needed comfort. There was nobody in his life, he could have told about his scheme and therefore there was no one he could now lean on, no one that would comfort him. Well, he wouldn't have allowed anyone to do that anyway, despite him wanting it. This was his problem, his issue. So, nobody else should interfere!
The moon light barely reached him, so he hardly saw where he was or better said, if there was anything in front or next to him. He was an easy target right now. However, he knew the way to his destination better than anyone else! In case something was different than usual, he would definitely realize it.
His feet were cold. Until now they never had felt so cold. Was it because of the late hour? Or was it due to the fact that he tried to distract himself – was he searching for an excuse to turn around and run? No, of course not! He would never run away! Up to now, he always had done what he wanted and he wouldn't let anyone change that! No one would stop him from doing whatever the hell he wanted, not even himself! Sounded strange, even to himself, but this was unimportant. More important was the fact that he finally reached the door, which led into the room he called his destination. Hesitantly, he opened it after a more or less long time of just standing right in front of it and constantly playing with whatever he hid inside his pocket. There was no turning back anymore! It was sink or swim! And he didn't want to sink. He wanted to live and be happy. Happiness was just a few steps away – at least if his plan went well. The operative word was "if"! On the other hand, if it did not then no harm was done either, since no one knew and would ever know that he had been here.
From a logical point of view this was total nonsensical and stupid, but logic and him weren't friends. So, there was nothing that could be done against this little contraction in his plan and his final goal. Maybe he knew, but didn't want to make amends, because deep down he was too afraid of a negative outcome and the truth he then had to face – doing it this way was better, when he wanted to deny it later on. This plan was perfect! Perfect to whom, was a different and complicated question and he would not bother himself with complicated things. He was doing his own thing, just like always!
*
Hakuryuu had went to bed again. Falling asleep next to the cold window was not so pleasant and harder than in a warm and comfortable bed. And it was already hard to fall asleep there! He hoped that Judar would soon return from his trip. The black-haired Magi was good at distracting him and making him tired. And the palace was somewhat livelier with Judar around. It wasn't so monotone. As annoying as Judar could be, it also could be very entertaining with him. Over the years Judar had become more mature and calm. He took his duties as Magi and advisor more serious, which was a nice change. Hakuryuu had to admit that he had been wrong about Judar for quite some time. The other one was indeed a reliable friend and good at listening to one's complains without commenting on them – sometimes he would complain that he had to listen to Hakuryuu's whining, but in the end the black Magi always came to Ryuu to listen anyway. Hakuryuu was happy about that gesture. It meant a lot to him.
Had he ever told Judar? Probably not. Next time he would thank Judar for it and tell him how much he appreciated it. Yes, he would do that as soon as Judar was back! And he would cook something nice for his friend! They could eat together with Kougyoku – the three of them never had done so before and this needed to be changed. If he remembered correctly, hadn't Judar complained not too long ago that Hakuryuu did not cook often enough and that he wanted to eat more of Hakuryuu's cooking? Well, the reason why Hakuryuu hadn't cooked much lately was simply due to him being extraordinarily busy with the political and economic affairs of the Empire. Thus, right now that things calmed down was the perfect time to make changes. All he had to do was to actually go through with it. Just making plans was easy, but implementing them was not.
Judar liked peaches, so he should make something out of peaches. But he didn't knew any recipes including peaches. Maybe the chef or one of the servants in the kitchen knew one. Or he made something else without peaches. It wasn't like there were no other meals Judar liked, however peaches were the most liked one and the easiest.
Now that he thought about, what kind of meal he should cook for his friend he remember something, he never thought had actually paid much attention to: Judar was always smiling, while eating, and praising Hakuryuu's cooking. Alright, he had paid attention to it and it had made him feel great. His heart had felt so warm. However, he never had paid attention to the impact it had on him. Somehow he realized it only now, but he had thought about Judar's smile, when eating his meals, from time to time. He had thought about Judar's praise, while making food and it always had made him smile. Maybe he had not paid attention, because it was natural to be happy about praise or seeing how someone else appreciated one's work. Creating a meal was work! Work Hakuryuu enjoyed and even made him relax, but it was still work.
A smile played on his lips. His heart felt warm. It was a beautiful memory. He wanted more praise from Judar. He wanted more beautiful memories. When Judar was back he would tell him, what had happened in the meantime, while Judar ate and then he would listen to Judar's story. Hopefully, Judar wanted to talk about his journey. Unfortunately, the black Magi was a bit incommunicative in this regard. At times it felt as if the other one tried to hide something. When Judar had problems, Hakuryuu wanted to help his friend. He preferred to know what was going on, to know the truth behind someone's action, which was most of the time only possible, when knowing what happened in someone else's life. For many years he had ignored, who Judar really was and had imposed his impression of Judar on the latter one, so he now wanted to know, who Judar really was! He could know it by now, but he had missed that change, which he sincerely regretted and wished to apologize for. By now he knew that Judar had suffered a lot, just like Hakuryuu himself. By now he knew that Judar was alone, just like Hakuryuu himself. By now he knew that he had been wrong all those years.
Hakuryuu wrapped himself in his blanket. The warmth that cloaked him made him feel a bit better – as if he wasn't alone, as if someone was here with him to warm him. Just an illusion, but better than nothing. Maybe he now would find sleep. Nice thoughts and surrounded by warmth were good conditions to fall asleep. He closed his eyes and hoped that it would soon be sound asleep.
At first he did not hear, how someone entered his room and tiptoed to his bed. But he heard a soft click, which caused him so snap his eyes open and almost jump out of his bed. His heart was racing. Who was there? Who had entered his bedroom without permission and at such a late hour? An assassin? Hakuryuu grasped the first thing he could get out of reflex. It wasn't only Hakuryuu, who was alarmed, the intruder also jumped, thereby he knocked down whatever he had put onto the nightstand. Luckily, before anything bad could happen – for example someone getting hurt – Hakuryuu recognized the other person.
"Judar?", Hakuryuu asked with an unsure undertone.
Was this really Judar? And if so, what should he do here, especially in the middle of the night? Alright, Judar sometimes indeed showed up at night and misused Hakuryuu as pillow – until now the latter one had never minded this. It bewildered him, but one got used to it over the time.
"What are you doing here?"
A good question, if one asked Hakuryuu.
"Yo!", Judar greeted, "I am back."
"I can see that", Hakuryuu responded.
He slowly put back what he had grasped out of reflex.
"Where have you been?", he asked.
"Somewhere."
"You don't say."
Well, what had he expected? Judar hadn't said where he was about to go, when he had left, so why should he say it now?
Out of tiredness Hakuryuu sat down on his bed. This was perfect time to fall asleep, but he was curious what Judar wanted. On the other hand, he could ask that later again, without getting an answer. Judar could be very stubborn at times.
Judar picked up the tiny bock he had knocked off before and put it inside his pocket and then made himself comfortable next to Hakuryuu on the bed.
"Why are you still awake?", he wanted to know.
He sounded somewhat worried – or Hakuryuu had just imagined it.
"Because, obviously, I cannot sleep."
"Feeling lonely?"
"Yes."
"Well, I am here now. So, you are not lonely anymore."
"That's right. By the way, why are you here? You should have gone to your room and sleep. It is pretty late, you know."
"I know. I just wanted to give you something", Judar answered and looked away.
"You could have done so later. It's not like I will be gone at the end of the night", Hakuryuu noted. The Magi hid something and Hakuryuu wanted to know, what it was. They were friends, right? So they could tell each other everything, or not?
"Well, I just wanted to be done with it. You know that I am bad at remembering things, so why not give you what I wanted to give you, while I do remember it?"
"But you had no intention of waking me up, right? Consequently, I would probably never known that you gave me something or wanted to do so. What good should that be?"
Judar stayed silent. He didn't want to admit that he was too afraid of facing Hakuryuu directly, when giving him the small box.
Since Judar did not say anything and did not hand over whatever he wanted to give Hakuryuu, the latter one ask: "What do you want to give me?"
Hakuryuu got more and more tired. It was only a question of time until he would finally fall asleep, especially now that he wasn't alone anymore.
Hesitantly, Judar grabbed the box inside his pocket and shoved it into Hakuryuu's hands. Still looking away from the latter one. Not saying anything. Curiously Hakuryuu inspected the tiny black box. Judar had never brought anything back from his trips, besides a few stories of what he had experienced on his journey, but never had it been a gift. He took his sweet time until he opened it. What he found inside surprised him. Words failed him. A big smile appeared on his face. With great care he took the small thing out of the box to take a better look at it.
"Do you like it?", Judar asked insecurely.
"Yes, I do", Hakuryuu answered smiling, while looking at his gift.
It was the most beautiful gift he had ever received and the one with the most important meaning behind.