Author: CecaniahCloveR
Story: A Mystery To Athena: It's You
Genre: Romance
Readers: 16+
Opening:
When starting a novel, we need to create an engaging entry point. It should be presented in first part which can be in any forms you like – prologue/blurb/teaser/Chapter 1 and rarely synopsis (usually requested by publishers).
How to make an engaging start: We should make the reader ask Who?, What?, Why?, Where? or When?
The first part of the novel is written in synopsis. A brief summary of the major points of the story. It was started with an interesting detail of character, setting and conflict that made the reader ask something in mind which is good in the beginning. From the title itself, the main key is a mystery to Athena, she received a kiss from someone she didn't know and maybe the other mysteries between the characters life.
Honestly, nagdalawang isip ako kung masasabi nga bang synopsis iyon or book teaser or other.
Ø A "teaser" is a one-page-maximum pitch of the story that leaves the reader longing to read the whole novel. Where a synopsis is complete, a teaser is not—a teaser leads the reader to wanting to read the whole manuscript. Teaser is usually a piece of story that introduces a hook without giving much plot away.
Ø A "synopsis" is a relatively brief narrative outline of your story, from beginning to ending. It's a detailed description of the action line and character development, especially for the major characters. The purpose of the synopsis is to provide its reader with an overview of what the story's all about.
Ilang beses ko siyang inulit basahin. I can say that yes it can be a synopsis because of the overview and major scene. Mukhang doon naman talaga iikot ang kuwento, kay Athena at sa tatlong lalaking pumasok sa buhay niya. Pero nakulangan ako... hindi naisama ang major points ng nobela at konting pahapyaw sa ending. Since hindi pa tapos ang nabasa ko, hindi pa masabi ang katapusan ng kuwento. Kaya siguro naging alanganin sa akin na synopsis iyon. I tried to read also some samples of synopsis. Based on my understanding/opinion, it's not a full story synopsis. Anyway, it's your style, a different approach in writing synopsis. It's also a great tool to pull and hold the readers rope without giving the major story outline.
The story's opening is good. You accomplished to include the major goals in writing the opening part which are to grab the reader's attention, ground the reader in the setting (though very minimal), intrigue the reader with a character and give the reader a puzzle to solve (something to worry about, something to read on to find out what happens next).
Conflict:
There are many conflicts in the story. The main one is already stated in synopsis. The conflicts are realistic and created just right in every situation. Tensions are significant and struggles are real.
Plot:
The plot structure is okay. Quite intriguing. Hindi naman ako naguluhan o ano. The mysteries surrounding the characters life is very interesting.
Main plot – Clearly stated.
Sub-plot – The story's subplots are connected to the main plot with the involvement of the characters, in either time or background history or traumatic incident. Adds complexity to story and thus increase the tension.
Pacing:
May mga parteng naging mabagal ang dating sa akin. Sa part na nasa establishing period ng closeness sina Xander and Athena (Ex. 'yung eksenang nasa tinutuluyan ni Xander si Athena at sa island). Isa pa, chapter 43 na ang kuwento pero mukhang mahaba-haba pa ang tatakbuhin ng nobela. Paano na si Gee??? ( Haha! just kidding!) Sakto lang ang pacing sa ibang kabanata.
Tension:
Awesome! I felt the tension between the characters. Lalo na sa batuhan ng mga dialogue, naramdaman ko talaga. Kapag nagharap-harap na sina Gee, Xander at Jurias, I can't breathe!
Setting:
The chosen places are suitable in every scene.
Point of view:
Using the third person POV in omniscient, I can say that the writer made it powerful to let the readers enter the world of characters.
Characters:
Characterization is effective, natural and well-defined.
Athena – Has a strong personality. But her weakness, lovelife. Ibang Athena siya kapag si Xander ang kaharap niya. Sa totoo lang, naaawa ako sa kanya. Hindi niya deserve ang ginawa ni Xander. Kaya siguro ang layo ng loob ko sa lalaking 'yun!
Jurias – Oh well, the friendzone one. I like how you portray his character, very jolly with a sense of humor. Lagi akong napapangiti kapag eksena na niya. Pakiramdam ko sa ending, siya ang mas nakakaawa sa lahat.
Xander – For me, his character is the most effective one. Ewan ko ba kung bakit lagi akong apektado sa ginagawa niya. Naiinis ako sa kanya. Kapag eksena na niya, ayaw ko na sanang basahin hahaha! Sa simula pa lang ay naramdaman kong hindi siya ang para kay Athena. Hindi ako kinikilig kapag eksena na nila ni Athena. Oh gawd, sorry sa rant ko! :P
Gee – I always want the mysterious handsome guy in every story. From the start to chapter 43, he is so enigmatic. Mystery is love! Kaya ang bumabalot na misteryo sa katauhan niya ay siguradong magugustuhan ko.
Dialogue:
Consistent and sharp. Makikita ang pagkakaiba sa mga dialogue ng karakter na naaayon sa personality nila.
Show vs tell:
Maayos na naipakita ang show vs tell rule. Actually I want to congratulate you because you did well on that.
Pero may ilang eksena na nakulangan ako pagdating sa pagpaparamdam ng mga characters reaction after or before the dialogues. Mas mainam na magbigay ka ng physical signals or even internal sensation/ emotional state. It can be demonstrated in a smooth narration. Malaki ang chance na magamit mo lahat dahil naka-third person's POVomniscient ang format. Mas may kontrol sa pagsasalarawan ng mga nangyayari.
Example to be used in sentences: If shock
- physical signals includes the mouth is falling open, a gasp, giddiness, jerking the head back, freeze and stare in wide eyes, and many more.
- Internal sensation includes racing heartbeat, breathlessness, sudden cold, a flush of adrenaline tingling through the body disorientation etc.
Format/Grammar/Spelling:
For this one, as much as possible please do not mix tagalog and english in a sentence. It is acceptable if the mixture is included in the characters dialogue. But if in Third person's POV, medyo off na siya.
Note:
Lagyan ng gitling: Nagkibit-balikat
Tanggalin ang gitling: maya't - maya to maya't maya (Wala na itong gitling dahil may kudlit na.)
Asan to Nasaan
Pinaikling salita gamit ang kudlit:
1. No? to 'no? means ano?
2. pag to 'pag means kapag
3. yun to 'yun means iyun
4. di ba to 'di ba means hindi ba
5. satin to sa 'tin means sa atin
6. sakin to sa 'kin means sa akin
Wastong gamit ng din/rin at dito/rito:
1. pa din to pa rin
2. tao dito to tao rito
- Kung nagtatapos sa vowels at W,Y ang sinusundang salita, and D ay nagiging R.
- Kung hindi nagtatapos sa vowels at W,Y ang salita, mananatili and D.
- Samantalang kung nagtatapos sa Ra, re, ri, ro, ru, raw at ray and naunang salita, D ang gagamitin imbes na R. Ex. May pari rin to may pari din, Ilang araw raw to ilang araw daw.
Hindi na kinakailangan ng kuwit kapag nagtatapos sa tandang pananong o tandang padamdam. Lalagyan lamang ng kuwit sa halip na tuldok kung may action tag na kasunod.
Wastong gamit ng NG at Nang: Aminado tayo na medyo nakakalito ang dalawang ito.
Nang
Kapag sinasagot ang tanong na paano.
Kapag sinasagot ang tanong na gaano.
Kapag umuulit ang kilos.
Ibang salita ng noong.
Ibang salita ng para at upang.
Para mas masarap bigkasin ang Na. (Puwede na pumasok to puwede nang pumasok.)
Kapag katabi ang salitang maaga.
* Kapag umuulit ang salitang kilos. Sunod nang sunod, tago nang tago, kontrahin mo nang kontrahin.
Ng
Kapag sinasagot ang tanong na ano.
Kapag pagmamay-ari.
Kapag sinasagot ang tanong na kailan.
Kapag tungkol sa oras at petsa.
Kapag may salitang ubod ng, puno ng, saksakan ng (hitsura).
Actually wala namang problema kung masyadong mahahaba ang pangungusap. Mas maganda lang tignan at minsan ay hindi katatamarang basahin kapag ang pangungusap ay hindi masyadong mahahaba.
Puwede itong hatiin sa dalawa o tatlo. Unang pangungusan simula 'Ngumisi hanggang sagot sa kanya ni Hep-hep'. Maaaring pangalawang pangungusap na ang pagsasalarawan kay hep-hep. 'Isa itong miyembro ng frat etc.
For this part, ang diyalogo ni Gee ay maaaring hatiin din sa dalawa para hindi rin ganoon kahabang tignan.
Suggestion: Ang unang pangungusap ay simulan sa Nananahimik hanggang sa active ng GRS? Pagkatapos ay mas mainam na lagyan mo kung ano ang itsura ni Gee o reaksyon ng kausap niya o kaganapan sa paligid. Bago sundan ng pangalawang pangungusap na sisimulan sa That idiot is acting like a child hanggang sa letcheng love triange na iyan!
Mataas na ang tensyon sa eksenang iyon kaya talagang gagana ang imahinasyon ng mga mambabasa kung lalagyan ng mga deskripsiyon sa nangyayari paligid at karakter. Even internal sensation/feeling of Gee, can be included in narration. Since you're using Third person's omniscient, you can maximize the show vs tell rule.
Gee is angry in that incident, so puwede mo ilagay na - Mapapansin ang panginginig ng mga kamay ng binata/ pamumula ng pisngi sa taas ng emosyong nararamdaman/throbbing veins in neck/ clench fists/ squint eyes and more. Para mas maparamdam ang sobrang pagkainis ni Gee kay Ares.
- Nagets to na-gets
Also this one, you can apply my suggestion here.
Sa parteng ito, nakulangan ako. Pagkatapos sumagot ni Xander ng Sumasakay ng jeep?, maaaring lagyan ito ng reaksyon ni Athena sa naging sagot ni Xander bago isunod ang sinabi ni Athena na Veron pumunta ka sa kotse. Para lang mas maging klaro na ang nagsalita ng Veron pumunta ka sa kotse ay nagmula kay Athena.
Sa unang basa kasi ay hindi agad ma-gets. Kailangang ulitin at tapusin ang pangungusap para maintindihan na si Athena ang nagsabi no'n (naalala ni Athena ang sinabi ni Xander no'ng nagharap-harap sila nila Gee.)
Overall Impression:
From the title A MYSTERY TO ATHENA, everything I read in the story has a mystery. The characters itself are good example. Every scene has a good connection to each other. The story flow is running in a straight direction. Though medyo nababagalan ako.
Honestly, wala ako masyadong napansing kapuna-puna sa kuwento. Kung may loophole man tulad ng nangyari kay Von, I can say that it's a good tactic. Curiosity kills! So we should read the story about Artemis to satisfy our hunger for some information about him.
Every writer has a different style of writing. Kaya nasa sa atin kung ano ang gusto nating gawin sa kuwento. But always bear in mind the basics and rules in writing. Sana kahit papaano ay nakatulong ang ilang suhestiyon ko. It is still up to you.
Thank you for sharing your story and reading mine. I'm grateful to read your unique piece. Always write and learn, malayo ang mararating mo. May talento ka at kakaibang imahinasyon. Tc!
Best,
Khelie <3