12. TEXTS
DAD
Jasmine, do you have a boyfriend that you never told me about?
MINNIE
Dear god
MINNIE
there's no need for the full name treatment
DAD
there might be, depending on what your answer is
MINNIE
no, I don't have a secret boyfriend
DAD
so you're definitely not dating Chris Evans?
MINNIE
Nope :)
DAD
are you sure
MINNIE
I'd be happy to swear an oath on it
DAD
that means nothing to me
DAD
you always were a sneaky kid
MINNIE
I promise you that I'm not dating Chris Evans, or anyone, for that matter
DAD
twitter thinks otherwise
MINNIE
and twitter is always wrong
MINNIE
but there a whole load of rumours circulating about myself and Chris, there have been for a good half a year now, Dad, so we decided to play up to them a little just for a joke
MINNIE
neither of us are actually interested in each other
DAD
yet
MINNIE
what?
DAD
it sounds like a bad romcom plot, sweetheart, and in those sort of films, one person always ends up with feelings for the other and it goes badly, in the end
DAD
just be careful, is all I'm trying to say
MINNIE
I will be, don't worry
MINNIE
Besides, I think Sebastian is much more invested in the whole thing than myself and Chris are, anyway
DAD
you don't like this sebastian, do you?
MINNIE
dear god no, it'd be like babysitting an overgrown child
DAD
good good, with all the trouble your sister is giving me, I'm glad you're being sensible
MINNIE
Dad, Rosie's seven
DAD
and a real rascal
MINNIE
she's adorable
DAD
so were you at her age, and now look at you
MINNIE
I am hurt.
DAD
oh dear, not a full stop at the end
MINNIE
That's just how hurt I am. You've offended me to the point of grammatical correctness.
DAD
gramatical correctness doesn't sound like a grammatically correct phrase
MINNIE
please no, I just helped Seb through the other end of an existential crisis, not you too
DAD
anyways, enough about boys who will never deserve your heart
MINNIE
alrighty
DAD
what're they feeding you on this set?
MINNIE
listen I live in the catering tent, I'm eating with the appetite of an actual supersoldier even though I definitely shouldn't because of how physically demanding all of these fight scenes are, and then when I get back to the hotel, I can order all the room service that my little heart desires, free of charge, life is good
DAD
are you eating good food, though?
MINNIE
I think that you and me have different classifications of good food
DAD
yes, I mean actually good food, not junk food
MINNIE
nah, I'm actually eating really well, I promise you
DAD
and are you sleeping properly? I know you have early call times and I'm not having you run yourself into the ground, Hollywood blockbuster or not
MINNIE
minimum of seven hours each and every night
DAD
you swear?
MINNIE
I swear
DAD
your siblings miss you
MINNIE
I miss them, too :((
DAD
well, all of them apart from Rosie
DAD
she says she doesn't care because you left Banjo with us, and Banjo is better than you
MINNIE
I take back my comments that were made in her defence before
MINNIE
demon spawn
DAD
that's a little harsh
MINNIE
the youngest children are always the brats, oldest children are always the best
MINNIE
those are the rules, I don't make them, sorry
DAD
' the rules ' sure
MINNIE
I think it's actually called 'the law of siblings'
DAD
I think that's bullshit, Jasmine
MINNIE
I think that you full-naming me is bullshit, Matthew
DAD
oh shoot, I didn't even check the time
MINNIE
it's 10pm??
DAD
exactly, get some sleep
MINNIE
it's EARLY??
DAD
no, 5:30am when you have to get up is early
DAD
night night
MINNIE
but, Dad! it's practically still late afternoon
DAD
goodnight, Minnie
MINNIE
goodnight, Dad
DAD
have fun tomorrow!!
MINNIE
Dad, I'm 25
DAD
I know that you're old now, but you're still allowed to have fun ((((:
MINNIE
I'm going to beat Toby for teaching you to text with such toxic levels of sarcasm and patronisity
DAD
patronisity isn't a word, sweetheart
MINNIE
it is in my dictionary
DAD
you're clearly over-tired, go to sleep
MINNIE
I'll FaceTime you guys tomorrow, let me know when Teddy is home from cross country and I should be able to speak to you all for a while
DAD
okie dokie, they're gonna be so excited to speak to you, we all miss and love you very much
MINNIE
don't make me cry, I've only been gone for 10 days
DAD
I'm very proud of you, Jasmine, I don't tell you nearly enough
MINNIE
my eyes are leaking, time for sleeping
DAD
a lovely poem, speak to you tomorrow
MINNIE
you didn't even try to make yours rhyme smh, I'm thoroughly disappointed