Andy:
Friday, April 17th 1989
11:32 P.M.
"Did he care?" Sara asks curiously.
I shrug. "Why would he? It's my money, well, my mom's money mostly."
"Yeah, but he doesn't care that you spent it on something so wasteful as this?"
I shake my head. Why do my friends have such a hard time grasping that Noah isn't a total meathead? They're constantly surprised that he treats me well, it's so disheartening.
I stop walking, realizing I forgot to stop by my locker. "Shit, I needed to grab my Calc book while we're here."
Mama rolls her eyes at me and goes on about wanting to leave, meanwhile I'm already heading back into the academic wing. I call out that I'll catch up with them, but Sara, Hannah, and Mama all decide to follow me and trail behind a few dozen feet. When I reach my locker, it takes me two tries to get the combination right, then open it up to find another crumbled piece of paper shoved in through the cracks. I don't even bother read it, just smash it into a ball in my palm and toss it behind me.
"What's that?" Hannah asks, picking it up.
"Don't worry about it, I get them all the time."
They're all silent for a minute, reading it quietly while I grab my book and close my locker. "Drewy... this is... Scary."
I scoff. "You should read the one Eric Johnson left me. I doubt it's worse than that."
Sara sets her hand on my shoulder. "No, they're totally threatening your life babe. You need to tell somebody about this."
I grip my textbook and give them an annoyed look. "I did. Last year. Guys, it's no big deal, okay? They're never going to actually do any of that," I grab the note and read it over quickly. "I mean, come on. 'Run your queer ass over,' that's ridiculous."
"You've been puttin up with this for a year?" Mama asks.
"I've been putting up with this for eighteen years." I walk over to the trashcan and throw it away. "Forget about it guys."
Sara crosses her arms at me. "Why didn't you tell us people are threatening you?"
"What are you going to do to fix it? Make the world not prejudice? Let's face it: I'm gay, some people don't like that. Some people hate that. The way I see it, I can let it bother me to the point of losing my mind, or I can take it with a grain of salt."
She comes up to me and take the book out of my hands, looking me dead in the eye. "Andrew, we care what happens to you. We're not going to let you be harassed. Does Noah know about this?"
I shake my head, realizing something. "Oh, my bad, I also have a third option. I can be completely oblivious to society's hatred and the suffering of people like me." They look at each other confusedly. "Oh yeah, that's a choice. I can be the gay guy who wants to pretend his boyfriend and all his friends aren't hated by the entire school."
"We may not exactly be popular, but nobody threatens our lives." Hannah softly chirps.
"Yeah," I concede, "but other than this dumb note thing, you guys have always known what this school thinks of me. Mama, you were there that day Brandon Maroone tripped me and 'accidentally' kicked my head." She nods sadly. "And Sara, you remember Phil Ret putting a paper that said 'fag' on my back, and no one told me until sixth period."
"That was awful, you cried for the rest of the period."
I nod. "The constant ridicule doesn't bother me anymore, I've had to get past it. It's when people go specifically out of their way to make me feel less than human, and my boyfriend doesn't even notice, that I get upset."
I start to walk back towards the main hall. "Wait, what do you mean by that? Did something happen recently?"
"It doesn't really matter, it's a common thing at this point. Ever since Noah came out, it's like everyone hates me fifteen times more."
"It does too matter." Hannah huffs. "We said we'd have your back, and we're gonna. Tell us what happened."
At our accelerated pace, we're nearly caught up with Noah and Denae. "Just drop it, I'll tell you later."
As we get closer to them, I hear her laughing. "Okay, okay. It's just... I still have a hard time wrapping my mind around the stud of Wood Creek being gay."
I strut forward quickly, anger bubbling to the surface. What the fuck does she mean by that? Is she hitting on him? "What is that supposed to mean?" I snap at her.
They both turn around and look at me Denae beginning to defend herself. As if my conversation with the other three hadn't gotten me worked up enough, now I'm fighting with this bitch. God, why do we even invite her?
"Whatever." I quietly mumbled, shaking my head in utter irritation. I start to walk forward, and we all head towards the doors in silence. My mind is racing with a million thoughts, mostly concerned with Noah and Denae. Why was she standing so close to him when we came up? What were they talking about that whole time, leading up to a comment like that? Probably "Oh Noah you're so perfect and sexy, let's hook up and forget about stupid old Andrew." Rotten bitch. If she thinks she's going to steal him away, she's got another thing coming. This night is the worst, we wasted a shit ton of money on a prank everyone will love, but no one will know who did it. How was this supposed to help our social standing, if we don't get any of the credit?
I rub my temples anxiously, letting out a deep sigh as we cross the parking lot. I'm definitely not in the mood to drive anywhere. As we approach the car, I get into the passenger seat and open the glove box to find my bottle of Aspirin. Mama is saying something about us all going to her house, which I greet with confusion. The plan was: prank, ice cream, then take everyone home. Now she wants us to have a sleepover? I'm definitely not in the mood for that. If anything, I just want to go home and go to bed. I don't even feel like doing my regular Friday night activity, or in other words, Noah.
There feels like quite a bit of tension in this car, no one bothers replying to Mama. After a minute, Noah turns on the radio and we listen in silence. Guns N' Roses' "Sweet Child of Mine" is on for the majority of the five minute trip the diner, and Elton John comes on right after. As we pull up to the building, everyone gets out eagerly, and I tell them I'll stay in the car. Noah leaves the engine running for me as he leads the rest of the gang inside.
I watch through the window of the 24-hour diner, the glare of the street shining on the glass. There's a few kids from our school here, but not as much as there usually is on a Friday night. From my seat in the car, I observe the group go up to the counter and place their to-go order. Denae is so close to Noah, and he doesn't even seem phased. He doesn't mind it at all. He's cool as a cucumber, totally comfortable. Why wouldn't he be?
"It gets so hard sometimes to understand, this vicious circle's getting out of hand. Don't need an extra eye to see that the fire spreads a faster in a breeze..."
The radio sings to me. Elton's voice floats around my head, along with images of Noah and Carly, Noah and D. Of course he doesn't care. This is old news for him, a woman's touch is mother's milk to him.
"No I don't wanna go on with you like that; one more set of boots on your welcome mat..."
I jump at the sound of a knock on the window. "Faggly, what's up?"
It's Phil Ret, what a joy. "It's Finnely." I say through the window.
Phil and a hoard of his friends must have just left the diner, how lucky I am he saw me. As he leans on the door of my precious Caddy, I can't help but hope Noah would just notice. "Right, right. Any way Faggly, you think about my offer?"
"The answer is still no, inbred freak. Just buzz off, okay?" Please just turn around for one moment.
His friends all laugh. "Why don't you roll down your window and say that to my face? Or better yet, get out of this piece of shit and fight me like a real man."
"Come on Phil," one of his groupies fakes sincere, "you wouldn't hit a lady."
They laugh harder. "That's true man! Whatever, we're leaving anyway Faggly. You consider that offer now, you hear?" He taps twice on the hood before strutting away, all his friends following.
I put my face in my hands. "Cunts!" I hiss to myself. I can feel tears rising, but I force them down. He's not worth it, he's just an asshole.
I told my friends that I wasn't scared of the threats, and that's mostly true, but in this case, part of me really wonders if he's serious. A few days ago, some girl told me that there was rumor Phil Ret had enlisted and was shipping out in a few weeks. Apparently, he told some people that everybody he didn't like, he was going to come to their house at night and burn it to the ground. I thought it was totally stupid, even Phil isn't dumb enough to think you can get away with murder just by leaving town for boot camp. What's more, I didn't believe a spoiled senator's son like him would even join in the first place. Then yesterday, he cornered me after lunch and told me the same story, and that I was first on his list. Obviously, I told him exactly where he could shove it, but instead of backing down, he persisted. He told me that if I came to school in a Teddy on Monday he wouldn't light my house on fire, obviously a stupid and ignorant joke. When I turned around he took out his Zippo and lit a piece of notebook paper on fire before flicking it at me. After frantically stomping it out to the tune of laughter, I ran off.
I'm not an idiot, I'm not going to wear a Teddy to my high school. It's just... painful. The fact that he felt the need to demean me with an ultimatum, or threaten my family, or even hate me in the first place when the only thing I've done is be gay in his presence.
"I got you butterscotch baby, I thought you might want to try something new." Noah's voice pulls me out of my thought.
I look over at him, standing outside with a cup of ice cream outreached toward me, waiting to sit while the girls climb to the back of the coupe. "Oh, thanks."
*****
This is, on every account the worst night of my life. That is all that can go through my head as I stare intently at Noah's lips, barking directions at the gang. He is surprisingly good at this. Oh, but my sweet baby! She's out there, covered in beer, just waiting to get scratched by some drunken fool!
"Baby, you go clean up the Caddy before the paint gets ruined, and then I suggest taking it to a secure location..." Noah begins my orders.
I oblige and head out of the huddle before the rest, eager to get to my car. Out the door, I pass the group of scrubs getting high by the tree, and deny them when they call out an offer to join in. Without meaning to, I trip over a guy on a rocking horse and kick him in the face. "Oh shit, dude are you okay?" I stop in my tracks, trying to help him up.
"No problem bro I'm fine, party on!" He slurs, struggling to get up.
"You're bleeding, oh shit I think I broke your nose!"
He looks down at the blood. "Gnarly!"
"Maybe we should get you to a hospital." I suggest.
He waves me off with a smile. "Don't sweat it little dude, it's not broken, just busted. Happens all the time at practice."
I get him to his feet. "Be that as it may, let's at least get you to the kitchen." I lead him back inside, holding him up so he doesn't tumble. Noah and the girls have already left their former spot by the door. "What's your name dude?" I ask the bleeding man.
"Parker." He sort-of gurgles, blood getting into his mouth. "Kent Parker really, but everyone just calls me Parker."
I nod. "I'm Andrew."
"I know who you are, you're fucking the quarterback, right?"
I swallow hard. "Yeah. That's me."
"Hey listen man," he seems like he's about to pass out just as we're almost to the kitchen. "Fuck what everybody says about you people. This is America! You are free to fuck whoever you want."
Despite the situation, that actually is pretty nice. "Thanks, Kent Parker. And hey, sorry I kicked you in the face."
I help him into a chair at the table and start digging in a drawer for a first aid kit. I have to ask a lot of people to move in my hunt for it, as everyone is crowding around a keg in the middle of the kitchen. When I finally find it I turn around to find Parker chugging down a beer from a plastic red cup. He hands one to me, "Here, relax for a bit."
I wave it off. "No thank you, we're actually supposed to be clearing the party out, not drinking along with everyone."
He thrusts it forward more assertively. "If you won't do it for you, do it for me! In honor of my fallen nose."
"I need to patch that up." I hold up the kit.
He nods. "Okay, how about this. You drink this beer in less than five seconds, and then you patch me up. Do it as a favor to the face you punted."
I laugh, giving in. "Alright, alright, but just one."
About three chugged beers later, we're singing along to Journey, crusted blood dried up on his face. I am such a light weight, I'm feeling tipsy as all get out. But you know what, here I am, at a party, getting drunk with my new friend. This is high school right here, this is what I've been missing out on! This is what it feels like to be a normal kid.
"Hit me with another!" A familiar voice shouts. I turn my head to see Eric Johnson a few feet behind me, gearing up to get another beer.
"And that's my queue." I duck down under the legs of the party goers, hidden by the sheer bulk of people here. Parker doesn't notice me slip away.
Crawling along the floor, I eventually run into Mama's legs. She pulls me to my feet and laughs. "What are you doing down there?"
"You know, just partying baby."
We both laugh at that one. "This is kind of fun, huh?"
I nod. "Yeah, I'm actually having a good time. To be honest, I'm a little drunk already."
"Me too!" She exclaims. "Come on, let's get some good shit." I follow her as she pushes through the crowd to the corner where her parents have a decorative wine rack. She selects a bottle with a red label and unscrews the top, then uses the corkscrew to open it fully.
I read what it says. "Pinot Noir?"
She takes a swig and hands it to me. "I'm screwed any way, might as well enjoy it while I can."
I shrug and take a big gulp. Damn, that's good. Leaps and bounds better than that piss water beer somebody brought.
"Hey, you wanna dance cutie?" Some guy asks.
Mama looks like she's seen a celebrity. "Oh-oh of course! Yes!" She gives me a look and follows him out to the middle of the room, leaving me alone with the bottle.
This is fun and all, but if I run into Johnson it might be ugly. This in mind, I head upstairs, drinking the wine as I go. By the time I run into Denae in the master bedroom, I've already downed half the bottle. Her and a group of girls are sitting on the bed, talking about boys.
"Hel-lo ladies." I chime, stumbling in. "Allow me to join you."
"Drewy!" Denae laughs. "Are you drunk?"
I nod. "Yes, quite so. Quie. So." I plop onto the bed. "I am drowning my sorrows. Boy, now I'm just like my pop." I take another big swig.
One of the girls, a redhead sporting a salmon sweater with puppies on it leans over and hugs me. "Man got you down honey?"
"Yes Winnie Cooper, the man has got me down."
"My name's Rebecca."
"Whatever." I roll over. "D, I think I need a new school."
She tilts her head. "Why do you say that?"
I wave, drinking some more. "Nevermind. Let's enjoy being normal, hm? Let's do something fun! What do you say ladies?"
"Some people were playing spin the bottle in the basement." One girl chirps.
"Andy!" I hear a call coming from the hall. Is that Noah?
"Noah?" I get up and look outside, spotting him near the laundry room. He seems happy to see me, but otherwise pissed. It almost looks like his temple is swollen, but I can't tell if that's just my blurry vision. Him and Sara come inside the room, inspecting. He tells me we need to leave, just like I figured he would, and I shoot him down. Sara takes her turn trying to make me leave too, and I start to get irritated with them. This is the first party I've ever been to, of course Noah is trying to make us leave. For such a normal teen guy, he really hates doing normal teen things.
The girl who originally suggested Spin the Bottle shouts downstairs to let everyone know we're playing. I take that as an invitation to down the rest of this wine so we have ourselves a bottle.
"No spin the bottle." Noah yaps at me. "That's so--"
I interrupt him. "Cliche, Noah?"
He agrees with me, still somehow not seeing what's happening right in front of him. Here I am, probably the most hated kid in school, actually participating in a full-out party. This is the very first time I have ever felt like everybody else. Nobody is picking on me, nobody is threatening me, they're just leaving me alone and enjoying their time. Maybe I'm just wasted, but I'm actually happy right where I am.
I'm not really sure what I'm saying to him, at this point the words are coming out of my mouth a few seconds before my brain even processes them. By the look on his face, he apparently does not like it. Just as I sit on the ground, ready to just play the god damned game, Noah turns to leave and stops to talk to Sara. Hannah comes in along with a bunch of others, and takes a seat next to me. I try not to be rude, but she smells so bad, I can't really place it. The circle forms pretty quickly, mostly people who are too drunk to dance and hardly conscious. As Denae wiggles her way in, I can't help but wish she wouldn't. My boyfriend is obviously leaving without me, but I still don't want her as a candidate for kisses. Next to her is my new friend, still sort-of coated in blood. "Parker!" I call out to him.
He notices me and waves. "Hey little dude! I was wondering where you went off to! We were doing keg stands, you totally missed it."
There's this little, tiny feeling inside me that sort of wants me to spin on him. Maybe it's just the booze talking. Man, that is a lot of blood on his face. Yeah, it's definitely the booze.
Noah surprises me when he turns around and takes a seat in the circle, directly across from Denae. Did he decide to stay because of her? That can't be it, can it?
I shake the thought out of my head. "Who wants to go first?"
A guy that was in a class with me last semester, I think his name is Tim, volunteers, and he ends up getting the first smooch with the girl that suggested the game. Next is Hannah, who moves much more slowly than usual as she flicks the wine bottle. It lands on The Wonder Years girl in the sweater, a cute, giggly kiss ensues. Hannah nudges me with her elbow as she sits back down, letting me know I'm up.
Alrighty, here we go. As the Pinot Noir circles around and around the group, my heart rate picks up. Holy shit, why did I do this? Oh god, what if it lands on someone I hate? What if it lands on Parker? Dear lord please don't let that happen. Just land on Noah, just land on Noah. It comes to a spot, ending on Sara. I take a sigh of relief. Just Sara, no big deal. Oh god, Sara! As I start to lean up, the few moments seem to last a million years. I can't kiss Sara, she's my best friend! She's a woman, I've never kissed a woman before. No, I can do this. Just a fun teenage game. She'll just peck me, and we'll move on. If it destroys my stomach and I puke, I'll chalk it up to the booze. Yes, here it comes, a quick kiss.
To my great surprise, Sara really goes for it. I'm taken completely off guard, and not sure what to do. She grips my head tight, shoving her tongue down my throat. I feel my stomach lurching, but keep it cool until she suddenly stops and sits back down. The crowd seems to enjoy it, they're all hyper now and laughing, Hannah shakes my shoulder. What do I say? Jesus, what do I do? I feel sick as hell.
"H-hot damn!" I try to sound excited. Why did she do that?
Noah almost immediately volunteers to be next. I can't tell if he's giving me a dirty look or not, my vision is getting blurrier as my stomach feels worse and worse. It takes me a moment to process that he's awaiting the bottle's destination, and even longer to realize it's Denae. Wonderful.
Their kiss seems to last even longer than my traumatic one a minute ago. They're passionately going at it, a load of suppressed sexual aggression seeming to just jump right out of her at once. This horrible rotten bitch, I knew she wanted to steal him! Just look at her go, she's on top of him now! My stomach boils, I swear I could puke on both of them right this instant. Thankfully, Noah pushes her off before I do. I swear she gives me a look before complimenting him on the kiss. I can't tell, all I'm seeing is red. In a flurry, I'm out the door and down the hall, my feet moving faster than my mind. My body tells me to go straight to the bathroom, and I try to lock myself inside, but Noah is already wedged between the door.
I turn quickly, worried it's all about to come up. As much as I'd like to, it's probably better that I don't vomit on my boyfriend. He starts to try to talk to me, but I cut him off, a burst of emotion.
"You don't get anything, do you?" I ask, the pain in my chest rising up into tears.
He hesitates before asking me why I'm acting the way I am. What in the hell makes him think I've done something? He's the one completely oblivious to the world around him. No, he's completely oblivious to me. After what I've seen tonight, I can not honestly say to myself that my boyfriend loves me. I can't honestly say for certain that he isn't up to... other things. It seemed crazy earlier, but it would make sense, now wouldn't it!
I hear Elton ringing around my ears again, not sure if I'm fading away or if the song is on downstairs. I tell him to leave, feeling a good amount of booze at the back of my throat.
"Fine!" He eagerly struts out.
I repeat him, slamming the door so no one comes in. The moment he's gone, I fall to my knees at the toilet, angst and beer flow out of me.
"Don't wanna be a feather in your cap."
There goes the butterscotch.
"I just don't wanna tell you honey I ain't mad..."
Oh god, I think my organs are leaving my body.
"But I don't wanna go on with you like that."
This was a bad idea. My body burns and shakes as I heave, tears falling from my eyes. In this moment, I just want Noah to hold me, like he did the night I drank all the long island iced teas. Then that feeling is replaced with more disgust at the thought of him and Denae sneaking around, followed by another round of upheaval. I can't tell myself it's true, but I can't be convinced it isn't. Why else would he be so oblivious to me? Oh god, if he brought that bitch into my house...
"If you wanna hold someone in the middle of the night, call out the guards, turn out the light."
My vision gets dark as my eyes droop, my head falling to the side, resting on the seat. I think for sure I'm dying.
****
"Andrew?" I hear a voice calling from far away. Everything is dark, my ears are ringing. As my eyes slowly open, I blink repeatedly, making out a fuzzy image of a woman in front of me. "Andrew wake up, can you hear me?"
"S-sara?"
The image of her face becomes clearer. She's supporting my head, knelt down beside the toilet. "Come on, I'm gonna help you up now."
She does this, but in more of a picking-me-up sort of fashion. My stomach lurches as she lifts me up, basically carrying me out of the bathroom and into the hall. At this moment I notice there isn't any music playing. As she struggles to get me down the stairs, it's clear the party's over. The destroyed house is vacant for the most part, aside from half a dozen people in a worse shape than me still lingering. "How long was I out?" My throat is pure fire.
"A few hours. You locked yourself in there a while ago, and Mama wouldn't let us break the door down. After a while we started to get really worried and she gave in."
Oh god, I was out that long? That can't be good. "W-where's Noah?" I ask.
She's silent for a minute. "I don't know." I keep quiet for the rest of the way out of the house. I don't know why I thought he'd come back for me.
Once outside, she drops me in the passenger seat of the Caddy, then digs in my pocket for the keys. After starting her up, she waits a moment before heading off. The sky is an ominous gray, the first signs of twilight. I hope she gets me home quick, my mom will be betting up soon.
She says nothing for a while, and I just stare out the window, dizzy and exhausted. Suddenly something hits me, and I can't shake it off. "Sara?"
"Yeah?"
I sit up in my seat. "Why did you do that?"
"Do what?" She yawns.
"Kiss me like that."
She shrugs. "What do you mean, that's the point of the game."
"Yeah, I know, but... you didn't have to like that."
She looks at me. "Did I make you uncomfortable?"
"No." Yes.
"Then why does it matter? I was just trying to have fun, like you said."
I look out my window again. That's not really a good answer, but I guess I'll take it. So much for being normal, this night was a total bust.