Walking back into the theatre on that chilly Monday morning, I was determined not to let the events of my previous visit get in the way of anything I may have been feeling.
The atmosphere inside was similar to the temperature outside, decidedly frosty, but undettered , my first port of call was to go and see Hugo in his office to apologise to him. Surprisingly enough, he wasn't too concerned. Just made me promise not to do it again, which I did and then went off to look for Alan.
I wasn't relishing this confrontation much, but after my chat to the moon the other night, I felt somewhat stronger about things.
As I walked down the corridor I saw Jayne coming towards me, eating a huge salad baguette that was partly wrapped in brown paper.
I took in a breath.
She had been on the stage the other day whilst Alan was having a go at me, so goodness knows what she now thinks!
"Hello Jayne". I breezed, trying to sound cheerful and pretend that the other days incident hadn't bothered me at all. "How's things?".
"Oh Gwen!". She shrieked, through mouthfuls of baguette, "Its so lovely to see you...............we thought you wouldn't be coming back". She then grabbed me into a full embrace and gave me an almighty hug.
"Why would you think that?". I asked, frowning at her.
Jayne withdrew her hug and looked at me for a moment.
" Well he was pretty mean to you, wasn't he. I know I couldn't have hacked that ". She said.
I stared at her, as she picked at a bit of cucumber.
"So? You thought he was being unreasonable too?". I asked.
"God yes". Jayne laughed. "He was horrid........poor you having to cope with all of that! Phew!! So glad it wasn't me".
I took a deep breath.
" Well, I was under the impression that, well.......I may have overreacted a little bit". Said quietly.
Jayne shook her head, as she took a bite of her crusty baguette.
"Ah, ah, not at all". She said, as she chewed, "I think you did rather well taking it for as long as you did, I mean he'd been on at you for quite a while really".
I continued to stare at her.
At last someone on my side who had actually noticed!
I began to smile at her.
Good old Jayne for noticing.
"Alfie says though, it's because he fancies you". Jayne suddenly said, out of the blue.
"What?". I shrieked, totally shocked by this accusation.
Jayne took another bite and waved a hand frantically by the side of her face, wanting to tell me more, but still needing to eat.
"He's convinced about it, says he can see it a mile off". Jayne went on.
My stomach twisted and I felt my cheeks unexpectedly flush.
"I have to say that I haven't noticed anything, all I could see was how horrible he was being towards you". She continued, "But, wow, wouldn't it be cool if he did, you know, someone like him having the hots for someone like you.....................it would be awesome".
I looked down at her as she took another bite of her baguette and took in her words carefully.
"What do you mean?...........someone like me?". I asked, frowning.
Again, she waved a hand in mid air and began to laugh.
"Oh, you know..........someone not in the limelight or anything, just ordinary.......... like the rest of us. Don't get me wrong.........I think that you are lovely.......but, well..... he is very famous and damn good looking to boot!". Jane grinned.
Again I frowned and shook my head slowly.
" What? Don't you think so?". Jayne asked, wide eyed.
" No, not especially". I answered. "And he seems........just a bit arrogant as well really......like he knows it all".
Jayne now had another mouthful of food and spluttered:
"Well..........he does".
Now it was her turn to frown at me:
"Are you sure we're both talking about the same person?". She asked,
"I mean.......I know he was horrible to you and stuff..........but I wouldn't call him arrogant or anything like that. I do think he's rather nice to he honest........ you know genuine and certainly very kind".
I shrugged my shoulders and looked down.
If that was her opinion, well she was entitled to it.
Me...........well I felt differently.
And so it was confirmed by her next comment:
"Still, doesn't excuse the way he was with you though".
I looked up at her and noticed that she had now finished her baguette and was screwing up the paper bag it was in, into a fairly tight ball.
" I don't really understand it, unless.........well, unless Alfie is right and he does fancy you". Jayne grinned mischievously.
I smiled and shook my head at her.
"I hardly think so". I said seriously. "I mean, don't you think it's a bit weird really, being horrible to someone your supposed to like, wouldn't you think?".
It was now Jayne's turn to shrug her shoulders now.
Then throwing the paper bag ball into a nearby waste paper basket she added:
"Maybe he's battling against his feelings or something. Perhaps he doesn't want to admit it to himself. Could be all sorts of reasons". Jayne breathed.
"Or maybe he's married and has kids or even grandchildren. Ever thought of that?". I said pointedly.
Jayne once more shrugged her shoulders.
"I don't know Gwen, but whatever it is.......it's causing him to be different with you than any of us". She said seriously.
I took in a deep breath.
That was the first correct thing she had said all morning.
I then began to walk away.
"I must go and find him". I said, suddenly remembering that I must apologise to him for the other night.
Oh, you're not going to confront him about it.............are you?". Jayne suddenly asked, panic within her voice.
"No". I laughed, looking at the serious expression on her face.
"I just have to apologise. Marcus told me I'd better had, you know, try and keep the peace and all that".
Jayne nodded her head in realisation.
Then took in a breath.
"But...........um......you won't find him here". Jayne announced.
I stared at her, so she went on.
"He's not here you see. Not today, nor tomorrow, maybe not even the day after". She explained.
"Why ever not? Its curtain up next week!". I exclaimed.
Jayne shrugged her shoulders.
"Don't know". She answered, "He didn't say. I suppose he's just a busy man doing busy things".
I gave a disgruntled huff.
"Can't be bothered more like". I said, "I mean its not that we're that important to him or anything".
Jayne frowned at me.
"Oh, I think we are. He just has stuff that he has to do, you know, movie star stuff. I'm certain that he's not abandoning us.................he wouldn't dare, besides he's got a lot of his own time and effort invested into all of this........and if what Alfie says is in fact true.........a lot of interest in it too!"
I tilted my head on one side and gave her a half hearted smile.
"Really?............I wouldn't speculate in any of this. and Alfie shouldn't either. If someone's behaviour is particularly bad towards another, I'm quite sure its not because they fancy them!"
I then gave a big sigh, before going on:
"Now if you don't mind, I'd better go and do some more rehearsing". I gave her a weakish sort of smile.
"Don't want to let Mr. Movie star actor have an excuse to have another go at me, now do I?".
And I then began to walk away from her up the corridor.
" I still think he fancies you though". Jayne shouted after me.
But I chose to ignore her comment
I mean, nothing could be further from the truth now could it!.
I was secretly pleased though, that I didn't get the chance to speak to Alan, and by the time he came back to the theatre almost three days later, well it seemed as though an apology was long over due.
I did have every intention of speaking with him, but somehow I never got the chance.
Always surrounded by people or busy organising things in or around the theatre, Alan Rickman really was throwing himself wholeheartedly into this play, in a way that I never imagined.
He was avidly involved in everything, including the set designs, wardrobe and even the make-up!
So, as the time went on, I didn't feel the need to actually go out of my way to present him with an apology and he didn't seem that bothered about receiving one anyway.
To be honest, I preferred to keep away from him and just let him carry on busily organising things with the people who were constantly wanting to be in his company.
Namely my flatmates Marcus and Beth who followed him around everywhere he went.
Marcus had asked whether or not I had apologised to Alan for my little outburst for which I had replied that I would when I got the chance. But really I never made that chance happen.
By avoiding him, like I was, it was never going to materialise.
We now had no need for anymore, elongated rehearsals. If we didn't know what we were doing by now.........well it was too late.
Soon it was time for the shows to begin.
Hugo was ecstatic about the advanced ticket sales, as we all were. No one could believe just how well they were selling, which meant that we would be playing to a full house during our very first week of production.
Surprisingly enough, I was not at all nervous on that first night, for I knew Amanda so well, contrary to what some so called experts would have me believe.
But both Beth and Marcus were nervous wrecks, saying that they did not want to let Alan down.
Although I was aware of his immense input, I wasn't just thinking about him when I stepped out on that stage for the first time ever, to a packed house.
I was thinking about Amanda.
"Bravo! Bravo!". Hugo shouted at the top of his voice, clapping his hands together like some sort of demented seal.
"That was marvellous! Truly marvellous!". He went on, as we all stood there backstage after our final bow on our opening performance.
He then went to us all individually shaking our hands in such an enthusiastic manner which was quite uncommon for him.
He even kissed Marcus on the cheek, which made my costar blush beetroot red, even underneath all of his stage make-up.
I sniggered to myself at his reaction, but soon came to an abrupt halt, when I noticed that Hugo was in fact making a bee line for me.
I took a breath and prayed that he was not about to kiss me!
Not because I had an aversion to being kissed...............not at all. But because its so out of character that Hugo would even do this, it would feel really weird.
Instinctively, I began to step backwards as he approached me, with his arms wildly out stretched and an insane looking expression on his face. He did look very odd.
"Ahhhh..............Gwen, Gwen darling, our very own leading lady". He breathed, making for my face with a grotesque puckering up of his lips.
I moved my head quickly out of his reach and put my hands onto his arms to keep him at a safe distance.
" Hullo Hugo". I said, with a sigh.
He straightened and smiled at me as if coming to his senses. Then pushing his black rimmed glasses back up his nose in typical Hugo fashion, he went on:
" You...........my darling Gwen were..............fantastic".
I looked down and shuffled my feet nervously. I really wasn't accustomed to receiving compliments from Hugo, for he wasn't really the type to give them out very often, and to be honest I didn't know quite what to say.
I looked back up at him to see his eyes darting excitedly at me,as he awaited my response.
I took a breath.
"Thank you Hugo". I said answered calmly, and with a smile.
Hugo gave me a huge grin,and suddenly held my hands tightly in his, before going on:
" Really................. Gwen you were quite amazing................you played Amanda perfectly".
"Indeed...........she did". Came another voice.
I was truly shocked and somewhat surprised by Hugo's hand holding gesture and the words in which he spoke.
But not as stunned at hearing that low, deep voice speaking out from the darkness of an adjoining corridor, that had now made me leap out of my skin with fright and set my heart racing at a zillion miles an hour!
Both Hugo and I turned around to see Alan standing there leaning against a nearby wall, hands in his pockets just looking at me.
I gulped as his green coloured eyes met my own, penetratingly so beautiful, and for a moment I was lost within them.
He stepped forward into the light and even though he was still looking at me, he was greeted by a barrage of congratulations from all the other cast members, including Hugo who very quickly left me in favour of speaking with Alan.
I stood there, now alone as everyone else surrounded Alan and continued to shake at his hands and chat away to him swallowing him up, until I could no longer see him.
Not feeling the need to go over to him myself, I very slowly made my exit from all the back slapping frivolities and made my way to the dressing rooms to get changed.
I was almost done, when the rest of the female cast began to come in, all excitedly chatting amongst themselves as they entered and didn't really pay much attention to me, until I got up to leave.
Throwing my rucksack up over my shoulder, I caught the eye of Jayne Pearson who was in the process of taking off her very heavy theatre make-up.
"You're not going are you?". She asked, turning away from the mirror to give me her full attention.
" Yes". I answered, with a sigh, "I'm bushed".
"Oh......coz. Alan's got champagne for us all. He's busy now getting it all on the stage ready for us". She said, excitedly.
"Its extremely descent of him to do that". Beth beamed, "I mean, he doesn't have to do it, just shows what a really nice man he is and such a gentleman too". She said, turning to look at me. "You didn't come to the luncheon he laid on for us, did you Gwen". Beth went on.
I glared at her.
She knew I didn't. She had been going on and on about how good it had been and that Alan had paid for everything, even though he was not present there himself.
" I had to work". I said pointedly and slowly.
But the fact of the mater was, that I did not have to work at all. I had actually volunteered myself for that particular shift, mainly because Jose had been so good to me when I had needed a little bit of sympathy after Alan had been so horrid.
José had always been so generous in letting me have time off for my theatre work. I do think that he believes that I will be famous one day and he wants to be recognised for being one of the people who helped make it possible.
Bless dear old Jose. He was so good to me.
" Oh that was a shame". Theatre actress Esmee Warren, chimed in. "It really was a wonderful afternoon".
"Ahh, she'd rather be up to her elbows in dirty plates and dishes than be sociable with us". Beth scorned.
I rolled my eyes at her.
She never missed an opportunity to show me up in front of people, ever.
"Oh please stay". Jayne smiled, "You've worked so very hard, I know that Alan would appreciate it".
I felt my face flush at this and that in itself put me off attending any champagne celebration that Alan Rickman was putting on. I just could not fathom out for the life of me why I reacted in such a way whenever he was around. So it was just best for me that I stayed away from him.
At the end of the day, I didn't even like him very much and just seeing him made me feel angry inside. So the blushing and the stomach churning stuff did nothing more than confuse me.
I readjusted the rucksack on my shoulder.
"Please send him my apologies Jayne, I'm sure that he'll understand that I really am quite exhausted". I said, making for the door.
Jayne began to smile.
"Well, I don't know about him understanding, but I think he'll be very disappointed".
I opened the door and gave her a little look as I went out through it.
"Goodnight Jayne". I spoke on exiting, only to hear Esmee's voice saying to Jayne.
"What's the matter with Gwen? Doesn't she like Alan or something?".
I didn't wait to hear Jaynes answer. I really wasn't that interested anyway and so quickly made my way down the deserted corridor before anyone saw me.
Stepping out into the cold night air, I breathed deeply and congratulated myself on my speedy evacuation of the building. I still did not prevent me from stopping for a moment to look up at this tired, old grey theatre with its crumbling stonework and to feel that I owed it to the place to do it justice and help in its repair in anyway I saw fit.
I gave another deep sigh, then began my lonely walk up towards Trafalgar square, dodging the crowds of busy night time revellers but feeling more alone than ever.
It was true to say that I was tired, but surely I should have stayed for at least one drink. It wouldn't have hurt now would it?
So why didn't I?
My pace became slower as I contemplated returning to the old, frail, crumbling building to indulge in just one glass of celebratory champagne with my fellow actors.
I mean what did I have to lose?
Now crossing the road towards the famous huge black lions that guard the tall column in which Nelson stands upon, I narrowed my eyes to see a familiar figure sat beside one of the fountains.
She looked much sadder and lonelier than I felt, so upping my pace once again, I approached her.
"Maya?". I spoke softly.
She looked up and quickly wiped her tear stained face in recognition of me.
"Gwen ?". She said, trying to sound happier than she obviously looked. "Why..........why .....aren't you at the theatre celebrating?".
I sat down on the wall surrounding the fountain beside her.
"Why aren't you?". I threw her question back at her.
Maya looked down and twisted her fingers nervously and I could tell she was struggling with something.
" Didn't you feel like going?". I asked gently.
She shook her head slowly.
"Me neither". I agreed. "It's not my thing, all that back slapping and self congratulatory stuff. All very well if you're Beth or Marcus or Hugo, they thrive on it".
Maya glanced up at me.
"He did look very pleased.............didn't he.........you know........happy". She said hesitantly.
" What?...... Hugo?". I asked, but without waiting for an answer, I went on, "Hugo was ecstatic! I mean, I've never seen him so animated".
I then began to laugh.
"I actually thought he was going to kiss me!".
Maya stared at me, her eyes were wide.
"Luckily, I did manage to dodge the situation and prevent that from happening............thank god!".
I noticed Maya smile to herself, as she looked back down at her fingers.
"Anyway, what are you doing out here?". I asked, "It's a bit out of your way. Are you off out, meeting friends?".
Maya shook her head.
"I just had to leave............like you said, I don't like all that back slapping stuff neither. It's not my scene". She answered, "So I just walked out and came here. It is nice isn't it".
I looked about me. Even at this relatively late hour, Trafalgar square was a hive of immense activity.
It was vibrant with the stuff of life and I had to admit that I loved it.
I then looked across to one of the giant lions and pointed to it.
"See that lion". I smiled.
Maya looked up and followed with her eyes to where I was pointing.
" Marcus pushed me up onto it one day, for a photo". I laughed at the memory, "Almost broke his back to do it mind".
Maya smiled, then turned to me.
"Marcus is so lovely, isn't he ". Maya said quietly.
"Yes......yes, he is". I answered, still looking at the lion in front of me. "He's one of my bestest friends ever".
Maya hesitated for a moment, before asking her next question.
"Do you like him?..........you know like him in more than in a friend kind of way?".
I looked at her and shook my head, then with a kindly smile, I said:
"That would never happen".
Maya frowned at me, so I went on:
"We do get on.............I mean, get on really well. But no.......we don't fancy one another, if that's what you mean, that would simply be weird. Anyway I know for certain that I am really not his type, not at all".
"Oh". Maya looked down sadly, "That's a real shame,.......you know".
Then she began to shake her head, before muttering, more to herself than to me:
"I could have sworn it was him".
I looked at her in bewilderment and began to laugh.
"Believe me, its not. Let's just say............well, we want different things from a relationship. We are just not compatible in that way".
I smiled at the very thought of Marcus and I together, and then shook my head, muttering No to myself, under my breath just to verify how horrendous that situation would in fact be.
"Well.............if its not him,...........who is it then?". Maya went on.
I frowned at her.
"What do you mean?". I asked.
Maya let out a huge breath.
"Look, I may not be that good at guessing who it is...............but somebody's taken your heart........I can tell".
I began to laugh.
"Then you know more than me then". I answered, shaking my head.
"Anyway". I went on, "What about you? Do you have anyone special?".
In all the time I had known Maya, I had never seen her with anybody or even talk about anyone being in her life. I knew that she still lived at home with her parents and from what I could gather they were quite elderly and relied on her a great deal.
But there may have been someone whom she saw from time to time.
I could imagine that about her.
But she shook her head sadly and then suddenly clasped at her hands in front of her tighter than ever. I looked on, concerned that she may be in fact hurting herself by doing that so hard.
I took in a breath, knowing that I had inadvertently struck a nerve.
We were only having a quiet little chat, a bit of banter and she had been OK when we were talking about me. But now the tables were turned.............she had begun to act very strangely.
I had to take back some sort of control.
"Well..............sometimes.........its best not to be with anybody". I said, still looking at just how hard Maya was wringing her hands. "I mean.......it can be a............distraction.........you know......having someone. Sometimes it can actually prevent you from doing what you really want to do".
She stopped with her extraordinary hand wringing and stared onto space for a moment.
"Look.......... are you alright?". I asked her gently.
Maya then began to rub her hands up and down the front of her thighs, digging her nails down into the fabric of her jeans.
She glanced up and noticed me watching her and gave me a weak smile.
"I think I'd better be going". She said, getting to her feet.
I stood up also.
"Would you like to come back to the flat?, a cup of tea would go down much better than a glass of champagne, in my opinion". I said, trying to help Maya in what ever was clearly troubling her.
But she shook her head, as she also picked up her handbag.
"Are you sure?". I asked, "I only live.............well.......just over there..........its no trouble".
I went on, waving a hand loosely in the direction of the flat.
Again Maya shook her head and put her bag over her shoulder.
"Thanks for the chat Gwen". She said, rather slowly, "It was very............... enlightening".
"Anytime". I answered.
She then began to walk away, head bowed and still looking extremely sad.
I watched her disappear off into the crowd, until she was gone from my view.
I then gave a deep sigh and thought to myself that it was weird the way the conversation had gone.
I realised that Maya was quite an inward, private sort of a person, but the thing with the hands was very odd. I had never experienced anybody doing that before.
At least it had taken away any anxieties or worries I may have harboured about my performance tonight, and even the thought that I had earlier about going hack to the theatre tonight had quickly disappeared.
In fact, what I was now looking forward to most of all was a lovely, long soak in a hot, steamy bubble bath while the flat was still empty, and I had the place unusually to myself.