Jacob's P.O.V.
Everything sounded muffled. The only thing I could hear were my thoughts, and even then those were kind of muffled too. I blinked open my eyes and stared at the blurry ceiling before closing them again.
My lungs were beginning to ache the longer I stayed under. I didn't move though, even though I probably should've. I stayed where I was and felt the way my lungs began to burn. I don't know how long it was, but when I finally felt like I couldn't take the burning anymore, I opened my mouth and screamed.
I could hear the sound of the bubbles as they rose to the surface. I continued to scream until I couldn't anymore, then I went back to just laying there. I kept my eyes closed and wondered if things could always feel as peaceful as they did right now.
I wish things could feel as peaceful as they did right now.
Eventually I had to come up for air even though I really didn't want to. I pushed myself up so I was no longer submerged underneath the water. I pressed my back against the tub and took a couple of deep breaths. I pulled my knees up to my chest and rested my cheek against my knees.
I let my breathing level out before finally opening my eyes again. Everything was a lot clearer now since I wasn't underneath water anymore. I sat in silence and ignored the urge to scratch at my skin. Winston didn't like it when I did that, so I tried not to do it anymore. It's been hard not to because ever since Jasper's party, I've just been feeling pretty down.
Speaking of Winston, there was suddenly a knock on the bathroom door. I knew it had to be him because my parents weren't home, even though it was pretty late. They went out to eat dinner together.
"Yes?" I said loud enough so I could be heard.
I watched the door open just a bit, but not enough for Winston to reveal himself.
"You okay?"
"Mhm" I hummed, "I'm fine".
"Okay, just making sure".
"I'll be out in a minute" I informed.
Winston closed the door and I moved so I could pull the drain up. I watched the water drain from the tub, and once it was all gone, I stood up. Once I was out of the tub, I dried myself off with a towel and put in my pajamas.
Winston was in my room and laying in my bed when I walked in. He sat up when he saw me and smiled a little.
"Hey".
"Hi" I smiled a little at him because he looked cute as he sat there. "Are you hungry?"
"I could eat, yeah" Winston nodded, "are you hungry?"
"Surprisingly, yes, I am" I replied, walking across the room and placing my dirty clothes into the hamper. "I think there's some pasta noodles in the kitchen and I'm sure we have some sort of sauce. Is that okay?"
"Yeah, of course".
Winston followed me downstairs and to the kitchen. We both moved about the kitchen as we started making dinner. I couldn't help but notice how domestic it felt. I never really thought about the future, but I think I could see it being like this with Winston and I in our own home or something. I wasn't going to tell Winston about my thought though because I didn't know how he would feel about it and I didn't want to scare him away.
I decided to focus on watching the pot of water on the stove. I tapped my fingers against the counter and stared at the water some more. I began to think back to not even twenty minutes ago when I was submerged in the water from the bathtub.
"A watched pot never boils" Winston said quietly as he came up behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist. I felt his lips on the back of my neck as he pressed a kiss there. I closed my eyes and nodded a little. "Are you sure you're okay? You seemed pretty quiet today".
"It's just been one of those days, Winnie" I answered softly. "My therapy session felt like it lasted for ages, and I've had homework to do and I also had to make sure I took my meds. It's just been a long day is all, but you're here, so that makes things a bit better".
"Yeah? Well I'm glad then".
I opened my eyes and noticed the water was close to a boil. Winston freed me from his arms and I picked up the box of pasta noodles. Winston picked up the jar of Alfredo sauce and placed a pot on another eye of the stove.
After pouring the noodles into the now boiling pot of water, I hoisted myself up onto the counter. I kicked my legs a little and watched Winston as he poured the Alfredo sauce into the pot so it could begin to heat up. He moved across the kitchen and I let him stand in between my legs.
He placed his hands on my thighs and playfully patted away at them. I let him do so and looked at him as he was too busy watching his hands. I leaned forward a bit and the action caused Winston to look up at me.
I pressed my lips to his and began to kiss him softly. His hands stopped patting at my thighs so they could begin to rub them instead. I brought my own hands up so I could cup Winston's face. I brushed my thumb against his cheek.
"Why'd you kiss me?" Winston asked after the kiss had ended.
"Just wanted to" I replied, "I like kissing you".
"I like kissing you too".
"Yeah?" I pecked his lips before dropping my hands from his face.
"Mhm".
I smiled some, "I should probably check on the noodles".
"I'll do it" Winston moved and picked up a wooden spoon and stirred the noodles. "I think they're almost done".
"And the Alfredo sauce?"
"That too".
I nodded my head a little and looked down at my hands.
"So, um... I found out from Ray and Elijah that Chresanto is getting moved to a foster home" I stated. "He's only moving a little more than thirty minutes away though, so..."
"Do you still want to talk to him?"
I shrugged my shoulders and didn't say anything.
"It's okay if you want to, I'm not going to be mad or anything.
"What am I talking to him about again?"
"Well I'm assuming your brother, you did find his journal after all".
"I think I change my mind about speaking to him..."
"Okay, that's fine too" Winston reassured.
"Okay".
I continued to sit on the counter while Winston drained the water from the pasta. He poured the Alfredo sauce over the noodles and used the spoon to mix them together. He made us both a bowl and glasses of water.
We went back up to my room and got comfortable in my bed. I grabbed Axel's journal and placed my bowl in my lap.
Dating Chresanto isn't so bad. We spend a lot of time together and I really don't mind because I actually like him a lot. I feel like he gets me in a way that none of my own family members do. I know that's really sad to say, but it's true. I feel like I can just be myself around him and not have to worry about getting shit about it.
It's like everyone in my house always has something to say about me and the way I act. They always complain about how I'm never home anymore, but the reason why I'm never home is because I get tired of hearing the same old shit and getting criticized all of the time.
My parents always ask why I'm out late all the time, but I know they don't really care.
"If they didn't care then they wouldn't have fucking asked" I frowned while shaking my head. I could feel beginning to grow irritated and I guess Winston could sense it because he gently rubbed my back. I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "My parents loved Axel, they cared about him so much and he has the audacity to say that they didn't?"
I shook my head a little and flipped through a few pages. I wasn't in the mood to read about Axel talking about our parents. It was obvious he was just going to be telling lies.
I stopped flipping the pages when I got to something that caught my eye.
I've been feeling down lately, and I don't really know why. It's like I just feel out of it really. It's a weird feeling because I don't know why I'm feeling the way that I am. I haven't told Chresanto about how I'm feeling because it's not like it's anything major. To be honest I'm probably just having an off day or something.
I picked at the corner of the page and bit my lip as I thought for a moment.
"What if it wasn't just an off day?" I asked quietly.
"What do you mean?"
"I mean like... What if something was actually wrong with him?"
When Winston didn't say anything, I looked at him.
"It's a possibility" he responded.
I turned my head and stared down at the journal. I turned to the next page and continued to read.
I can't shake this feeling. I don't know why I feel like I'm just tired lately. I know I'm getting enough sleep because I sleep through the whole damn night but it's just like no matter how much I sleep, I'm still tired. It's actually really fucking annoying because I know I've had better days.
"When my depression developed the first time, I thought I was just having an off day" I murmured as I closed Axel's journal.
Winston set both of our bowls onto the nightstand before pulling me closer to him. I rest my head on his chest and sighed before beginning to speak out loud.
"What if there was something wrong and I didn't know about it?" I asked quietly. "That makes me a bad brother, doesn't it?"
"It doesn't" Winston replied, "Axel didn't talk to you about things. How were you supposed to know if something was wrong?"
"I should've just noticed..."
"He was never around, you can't notice something about a person if they aren't around, Jacob".
"But on the rare occasion that he was around?"
"Don't beat yourself up about it, please".
I huffed and turned my head so my face was pressed against Winston's chest. I couldn't just not feel like I should've done more when it came to communicating with Axel.
"Are you tired?"
I shook my head a little.
"Do you want to read some more?"
I shook my head again.
"Okay".
I lifted my head from Winston's chest.
"Am I a bad person?"
"I don't think so" he answered, "what makes you think you're a bad person?"
"The way I treated my brother".
"Didn't he treat you the same way?"
"Yeah... But that could just mean that we're both bad people".
"I don't think you're a bad person".
I looked down at my arms and noticed the fading bruises. They weren't very noticeable, you had to know what you were looking for in order to see them.
I already felt a lot worse after Jasper's party, and the fact that there may have been something wrong with Axel and I knew nothing about it really wasn't helping how I was already feeling.
With a sigh, I moved away from Winston. I laid down and pulled the blanket up to my chin. I felt a hand carefully run through my hair before disappearing.
"I'm gonna go put the bowls downstairs in the kitchen, okay? Then I'll be back" Winston informed.
I listened to him leave and wondered how long it would take him to get back. I moved my arms from beneath the blanket and pressed the fingers of my right hand onto the faint bruises of my left arm. I wanted them to go away so I wouldn't have to remember that they were there.
When Winston walked back into the room, I placed my arms back underneath the blanket. When he joined me in bed, I turned around and pretty much hid myself against his chest. I thought I wasn't tired, but I kind of was. The longer I stayed pressed against Winston, the more tired I felt.
I knew I wasn't going to last much longer when Winston decided that he wanted to play around in my hair.
"I like your short hair" he murmured quietly.
"Really? I kind of miss my afro".
"Yeah? Are you going to let it grow out again?"
"I think so".
Winston hummed but he didn't say anything. I turned my head and pressed my ear against his chest. He wrapped an around me and rubbed small circles against my waist. I listened to his heartbeat as he did so and eventually I fell asleep.
(A/N: I know the recent chapters aren't filled with that much action/interesting things, but it's only because the book is almost finished. I'm just trying to get to the end... In the next chapter, all of the boys are together in one place, so there's that, I guess).