Jonathan
4:57 am. I've been in this hospital for six hours. In the waiting room for five and in Payton's room for less than one. The sounds of the beeping making me anxious but keeping me sane. It means she's still alive and I'm not dreaming.
I watch her chest rise and fall slowly as she sleeps peacefully. She had to have surgery on her arm because she broke it but that'll heal. The real concern was the major concussion and brain contusion she suffered. They drained most of the blood out but the damage was done. Her brain was physically damaged by the skull and they had to do a lot to try and fix it. No one knew if it had affected her because she was still asleep, but was expect to wake up here soon.
I hold her hand in mine and play with the ring on her finger. I wipe away another tear as her limp hand stays in mine.
I felt like complete shit. This was all my fault. She told me not to let my emotions control me, she warned me of what happened when I do. I say stupid shit like I don't want you or you're the problem and actually mean it. Even if it's not true it's not that hard to believe that it is when I say it over and over.
I was a complete ass hole to her and now look what happened. Almost just like what happened to her and her last boyfriend but this time I actually broke her. Literally broke the girl. I promised to protect her and care for her and I told her I would rather have her gone than by my side. And although I didn't mean any of those words I still said them out of spite and anger.
I was jealous that she never had to feel the way I felt. She didn't feel disappointed and insignificant. She never does, why would she? She's got it all figured out and all she wanted was for me to figure it out to. She wanted me to be happy and optimistic and I yelled at her. I pushed her. I can't believe I fucking pushed her. She was right, that wasn't me. That was something I promised I would never become. That was a monster fueled by anger and hate.
And it's no excuse to treat her the way I did. Especially considering she did nothing wrong. She cared about me and my well being. She didn't care about me just then but about my future. She wanted what was best for me and I wanted whatever ended the quickest. And it was our relationship.
She probably thinks I'm a giant ass hole right now. She probably thinks I'm this grown man who can't control his emotions or see what's best for him even though it's right in front of me, and she would be right. But that's why I need her. I need her in the worst ways and I want to tell her that.
I want to tell her she was right. She was right about everything she has ever said to me. Even when she's wrong she makes it sound right and that's one of my favorite things about her. She is so strong and intelligent and brave and she's all those things for me. She goes out of her way to make sure that I have what I need to be happy even though she's had it all along. She always has.
She makes me so vulnerable. I can't defend myself against her and that terrifies me. I'm scared shitless of what I would do for this girl. And now look what I did to this girl. She's all cut up and damaged and bleeding. Her normally bright blond hair dirty and red. Those bright blue eyes hidden behind a vail of broken promises. That smile that lights up my whole world is gone. I took it away and now Chicago is gloomy and dim.
At about 7 in the morning they wake her up. It takes her a while but they slowly get her up. They let me stay while they check her vitals. I sit next to her and grab her hand again and she looks at me. She watches them mess with her for a little but she kept looking over to me.
"Are you mad at me" I ask.
"No" she claims and I smile. "I don't know who you are... let alone why I would be mad at you" she claims.
"Wait... what" I ask.
"Payton, does your head feel okay" the nurse asks.
"I can't feel anything" she admits. She slips her hand out of mine and sets it on the bed and that's when I start to cry.
I feel my heart drop as she turns back to me confused as ever. She doesn't remember me. She doesn't remember all the good times, she doesn't remember why she's here. How can she not remember?
"Sir, I'm sorry but you're going to have to leave" a doctor says.
"What? No! I need to know what's going on" I ask.
"Sir, your girlfriend has suffered severe head trauma and needs to be tended to. Sometimes patients forget things either out of fear or out of physical brain damage. We aren't sure which one yet but we intend on finding out" he explains.
"What am I supposed to do" I ask.
"I'll let you knew when I have more information" he promises.
I go back to the waiting room and slump down. I run my fingers through my hair as I try to piece this together.
How can she not remember me? We've been around each other for every day for the past eight months. We share the same bed. The same hopes and dreams. Sometimes the same clothes. How can you forget that?
How did I forget that when I was yelling at her? How can I forget all the amazing things we've done? How could I forget that all she hoped was for me to be happy with her and I was. But now she doesn't even know who I am. She doesn't know who we are or how much that means to me. That's scary.
How am I supposed to explain to her that I'm the reason this happened? How am I supposed to explain to her that she I did everything she warned me about and she was the one who suffered? How am I supposed to tell her that I was the biggest jerk ever and that's why she's here? I don't want her to remember the bad things. I want her to remember... but just the good things.
Finally the doctor comes out and he sits down next to me.
"It looks like what we're dealing with is a traumatic brain injury, or retrograde amnesia. Meaning when she hit her head the part of the brain that stores memory was injured. Amnesia is different for everyone, but she has one of the more severe cases. She started remembering who she was but only up until the last year. All of that since then is gone from her memory" he explains.
"Forever" I ask.
"No, not forever. I can't tell you when it will come back but it should. It's not as simple as telling her who you are or showing her what she's done. Sometimes she will respond to some sort of stimulus, other times things will just come back to her. But it's going to take some time and you need to be patient with her" he instructs.
"I mean we live together, sleep together, work together. How am I supposed to keep moving on when she's stuck a year in the past" I ask.
"I'm not sure. Like I said every case is different. You just have to work with her" he explains.
"Can I see her" I ask.
"Yeah son, come with me" he instructs.
We walk back to her room as she sits there looking around. Her eyes meet mine and she smiles making me feel just a tiny bit better.
"Hey, you're the cute boy I'm supposedly mad at" she pieces together and I laugh.
"Yeah, that's me. I'm Jonathan" I say siting next to her.
"Jonathan" she repeats.
"I like it when you say my name. Say it slower" I say.
"Jon-a-than" she sounds out. My girlfriend is in there somewhere. I know she is.
"Perfect" I nod.
"So, what are you to me Jonathan" she asks. She seemed pretty okay with all of this but she knows how the brain works. I bet this is nothing to her.
"I am your boyfriend. If you look inside the ring sitting on your left finger it has my initial, jt, with yours" I explain. She slips off the ring before studying it close.
"Woah. Are we engaged" she asks.
"Not yet at least. We have been together for eight months" I explain.
"Woah, that's cool. So we're like a item" she says.
"We were unlike anything anyone has ever seen before. People make fun of how in love we are. We spent every moment showing each other how much we love one another" I smile.
"Wow. That sounds amazing. I wish I could remember it" she sighs.
"We'll get you there" I insist.
"And how did I end up here" she asks.
"That's um... that's a long story" I explain and she nods.
"I get it. You don't want to talk about it" she claims.
"I hate when you read me like that" I sigh.
At least I know some things will never change.