Strapped back into the chair, arms folded across her chest, staring out the window, Andie had a front-row seat to the not-so-thrilling spectacle of faster-than-light space travel. It turned out that Star Trek and Star Wars and science fiction had totally oversold the whole light-speed idea. Instead of stars streaking past, there was only a bright fuzzy glow.
Still, her inner sci-fi nerd was happy just being in space. Bad Andie was sulking about the almost-but-not-quite sex with Oliver. Andie knew this because the harridan kept sighing like an accountant who can't balance the books, even though she's been at it for thirteen hours, drunk fifteen cups of burnt coffee, and has a looming deadline.
"Oh, my god!" said Bad Andie. "You come up with the most convoluted similes! I'm embarrassed to even know you!"
"I feel the same about you. Plus, it's my brain, so I can create any kind of simile I want."
"Take this!" Bad Andie supplied one of her naked Oliver images from a seemingly never-ending supply. In this one, he was frolicking naked and laughing.
Andie swallowed hard. "You don't play fair."
The object of Bad Andie's latest visual "treat" took Andie's hand. "Are you all right?" he said. "I'm sure Star will love you once she gets to know you."
Andie shook her head, trying (and failing) to get rid of Bad Andie.
"Nice try."
"I'm fine, Oliver. Really. I mean, here we are in outer space, on our way to rescue Sterling with no crazed mothers, supermodel guards, or ex-fiancée in sight. Just one jealous, sentient spaceship. I mean, sure, she's the only thing separating us from the vacuum of space. And she controls the oxygen supply. But hey, I'm safer now than I've been since ... well ... the day we met."
"I am sorry about Star's jealous nature. We will have to look into her programming once we get back." The cabin smelled like burnt marshmallows again.
"Star is fine the way she is," Andie said. "I can't really blame her for liking you. Despite your multitude of drawbacks, it seems like all of femalekind seem to want you."
Oliver narrowed his eyes. "What do you mean?"
"I saw all those females in the audience at your Joining drooling over you. Literally. And of course, there's Talia." Andie wrinkled her nose. "Even Sterling thought you were hot."
"Well ..." Oliver said, pulling another one of those silver jumpsuits from beneath his seat. "I'll just put this on so you stop salivating at my manly torso."
Andie's face heated. "I wasn't salivating!" She swallowed the excess saliva she hadn't noticed before this moment preventing an embarrassing, unsexy drooling situation.
"Sure you weren't."
Oliver handed her a Gripple before donning the spacesuit and strapping himself back into his seat.
Andie sighed.
Bad Andie laughed. "Now who's frustrated?"
"So, this is space travel," Andie said, ignoring her bad self and gesturing to the unvarying glow of light visible through the window. It's a little tedious, to be honest."
"Oh, do not worry about boredom. We are not out of the timberland yet," Oliver said.
Andie tilted her head to the side. "Huh?"
"Out of the timberland. Meaning there are still things that could go wrong."
"Oh, you mean out of the woods?" Andie laughed. "And what could go wrong as long as I don't antagonize Star?"
"My parents let us go. It is the only explanation for the ease of our escape."
"What just happened back there on the Magnificent was easy? And now you're quoting Star Wars?"
"Excuse me?"
Andie shook her head. "Never mind. Please explain what you mean about potential danger."
"There is a slight chance that my parents could come after us in another ship."
Andie's stomach twisted. "Define 'small.'"
"27.352%."
"I'd rather have something more like .000001%."
"Statistics are not a choice. They are a fact. You are trembling."
"I'm fine. Just ... distract me."
Oliver wiggled his eyebrows.
"Not like that. Tell me what to expect when we get to the Colony. And while you're at it, I'd love to know exactly what is going on with you and your, uh, brethren? I've figured some of it out, but what I don't understand is why? Why do the Amu want to be earth's celebrities? Why is there a whole moon devoted to a reality TV series called As the Earth Turns? Why didn't you stop Sterling's abduction?" Andie's eyes filled with tears. She hadn't realized how angry she was at Oliver's betrayal.
Oliver's shoulders slumped, and he exhaled. "Andromeda. I am truly sorry. Please know that I did everything in my power to stop the abduction. But my mother is stubborn. She has had her sights set on Sterling Champagne for a couple of years now."
"Why?" Andie croaked through an enormous lump forming in her throat. "Why Sterling?" Even as she said it, Andie knew it was a very uncharitable question. If it hadn't been Sterling, it would have been some other unsuspecting human with a life and friends and family who would be equally devastated to lose a loved one.
"Sterling is the most powerful female celebrity on the planet. Cyra is the most powerful female Amu. There was no other who would satisfy her need."
"What need? Is Cyra a drug addict?"
"That is a fitting metaphor, Andromeda. The story of how we came to earth is very long and sad."
"Give me the Reader's Digest version."
"Reader's Digest?"
"It means, give me a summary of your evil alien activities."
"All right, but please do not say my evil alien activities. I have never agreed with any of it. Remember when I told you we came from a solar system in the Andromeda galaxy?"
"How could I forget?"
"True. Well, after years of war and abusing our home planet of Amu, the surface could no longer be inhabited. Each Amu was given a choice—live underground or take to the stars. My parents were part of the Amu royal family, whose ignorance and authority resulted in the demise of our planet. They knew they had lost all respect from their subjects. As they were wealthy, they possessed the most advanced spaceship. For years, we have wandered the galaxy in search of sentient beings to idolize us. All the Amu, except for me, it seems, have a deep need to be revered. When my parents found the earth, they could not believe their good fortune. Earthlings loved to idolize—were experts at the art with so many centuries of practice. We hit the idolization motherlode. You can see that the veneration proclivity, combined with excellent wine and well-established media, posed an unimaginable temptation for a group of very advanced yet insecure space travelers."
"Not really."
Oliver's overly sexy dark eyebrows squished together in a way too adorable fashion. "Why not?"
"Because if earthlings knew about you, I mean the Amu, they would adore you for being freaking amazing. Why bother with the middleman?"
"What do you mean, middleman?"
"If people would stand in awe of you as you truly are, why bother to become a human celebrity to get your needs met?"
"I have to admit, no one has ever mentioned that."
"Are you kidding me? It's so obvious. Here I am, a primitive human, and I thought of it right away. I guess advanced technology is no substitute for common sense."
"We did not invent it."
"Didn't invent what?"
"Any of it. The technology. We bought it. From the Gandulfians—the most advanced beings in the universe. Although no one has ever seen a real Gandulfian because they operate using intermediaries. All we know for sure is that they are extremely honorable and loyal. Some believe they can forecast future events.
"The Gandulfians have the technology to allow us to travel through the universe. They discovered the Wormhole. They perfected the Gripple. They know the secret to immortality. To staying young forever, you see." Well, that explained why Cyra looked the same age as her son. Wow! If they marketed the anti-aging technology, they could own earth without having to invade. "We are only good at accumulating assets."
"I've seen that firsthand at the Star Enquirer. You have more money than Scientologists, and they have Tom Cruise."
"Ah, well, truthfully, we have Tom Cruise. But human currency only takes us so far. We have other things with which to bargain for Gandulfian technology."
Andie had a feeling she would not like the other currency of the Amu, because it probably had something to do with Sterling.
"The Gandulfians share their technology with us in exchange for the intergalactic television phenomenon, As the Earth Turns. It is the biggest intergalactic hit of all time in this dimension. We provide the talent. The Gandulfians think your celebrities are highly entertaining. It is a perfect symbiotic relationship. It took years for my parents to build up the capital on earth necessary to start the tabloid. It was an essential element as they could use it to harass your stars. Cyra invented paparazzi for the express purpose of making the celebrities hate their lives so much they would want to leave earth and go to The Colony. The Gandulfians are sticklers for legality and insist we obtain the celebrities' consent."
"Are you joking? Do you believe the celebrities are leaving because of free will? It's called duress, and it invalidates a contract. You have made them miserable. If you had never come to earth, they would have been perfectly happy with their lives."
"I agree."
"You do?"
"Yes. I think it is wrong to steal the lives of others, no matter how enticing the alternative. But believe me, Andromeda, there are certain ... uh ... benefits to life on The Colony. The longer the human is on the moon, the stronger the desire to remain. The lunar gravity exerts an influence on humans. Almost like a drug. So we must get you on and off quickly."
"What do you mean, a drug? What benefits? What about Sterling? "
"We will cross that bridge when we come to it. I am considerably brawnier than she, as are you with that suit."
Andie's eyes widened. "So we will have to force her to come back? How great can that place be?"
"Look at this." He withdrew a plain white booklet from beneath his seat and handed it to her. As soon as she touched it, the cover morphed into a picture of Andie in a hot tub, drinking a strawberry margarita, next to a hunky man in a cowboy hat—just like the guy who came out of her TV to tell her to apply for the job.
The subjects in the photo were not frozen in a pose the way everyone knows they are supposed to. Rather, they went about their business as moving images like in Harry Potter. But unlike in Harry Potter, these images were sensory-enhanced. The coconut scent of suntan lotion wafted through the air, and the sugary taste of the cocktail tingled on her tongue.
Andie opened the booklet to find photos of herself engaging in many unprofessional Bacchanalian activities. She didn't bother to read the text, but she saw her name interspersed with the verbiage. What a sales tool. Andie found herself inexplicably drawn to The Colony. She wanted to leave her sorry life and do every single thing the brochure promised in its alluring photo spread. Shaking her head, Andie returned to reality.
"You have marketing materials?"
"Yes."
"Tailored to each victim?"
"Yes," he whispered. "My parents had hoped I would take over the venture someday. I assure you, I am viewed as a colossal disappointment. In fact, I am such an utter failure that my mother found it necessary for me to marry Talia, as they deemed me too pathetic to run things once my mother went on to her new existence. My father prefers to spend his time on the ship. From the time I was small, my mother reminded me of my many inadequacies at every opportunity."
Unlike Andie's mom. No matter that Rachel was a devoted hippie, she still supported Andie's decision to pursue the most unhippyish career possible—accountancy. And yet, Andie did not return the favor. She wanted to keep her mother from her radio talk show, even though it made Rachel happy. Andie felt bad about herself and sorry for Oliver. She had an overwhelming urge to kiss him.
She leaned across the span between their chairs and did just that. Star shook violently. Oliver pulled away. Andie reached for his arm to pull him back. "She's only a spaceship, for heaven's sake."
"It's not Star," Oliver said, madly waving his hands in the air in front of him, sending bolts of blue energy out of his fingertips. A hologram of the ship's exterior rotated above them, a blue light flashing near the tail.
"What? Is it the oxygen or the engines?"
"No. It is the Exterior Monitor. It controls the cloaking mechanism and optical lander. But if we do not have cloaking, we might not have to worry about the optical lander."
"What do you mean? You don't think we can land?"
Silent streaks of malignant red blazed across their path as if a knife had slashed through the very fabric of space, revealing the fires of hell. The ship shuddered. Andie clutched the arms of her chair. "What the hell was that?"