"Ms. Shanice boss lady told me to put him with your group so you can train him, Mr?" Ms. Samantha trailed off asking the new employee for his name.
"Theo" he answered while shaking her hand.
"Girl why, I'm basically new myself" I asked. I was new to the job but not as new as the other employees, I knew my way around I got this job about two months ago so I guess I knew the ropes of things.
"Girl, I have to train another one too, Mr. Sam" Ms. Samantha responded as Mr. Sam walked up to us.
"Well hello I'm Ms. Shanice, I hope y'all like kids and know how to handle them. It's a very easy job but you have to make it easy, don't let the kids run you over, don't come in there trying to be nice with them at first cause they are going to take your kindness for weakness" I went over with the newbies.
Throughout the day I tried my best to inform Mr. Theo on how to do his job, the what ifs, how to, when, where, and how to do things in certain situations. While interacting with some of the kids in my group, I peeped that Mr. Theo was looking at me a certain way but I ignored it until he kept trying to have side conversations with me while the kids were busy doing homework.
"How long have you been working here?" Mr. Theo asked.
"About 3 months now" I responded.
"You like it?"
"It's challenging because I got the toughest group of kids and they been through too many different counselors so they thought they can run over me but I had shut that down real quick."
"I see, they really quiet during homework time, and they behave fine" he complemented.
"Thank you" I nodded as I looked at him, I didn't know if he was trying to flirt or anything but this is not the right place or time. I got curious to know how old was he so I decided to ask.
"How old are you?"
"19, you?"
"Me too." I laughed. He laughed too and now we were trying to see who was older. He was four months older than me and we continued to have short conversations.
***********
When I got home from work. I laid in bed and thought about what happened at work. Theo was definitely flirting with me but hey I'm not interested in relationships at the moment.
My feelings for Paul are still here, plus he's not a big fan of me talking or dating people, I just want to avoid everything that had happen with Kevon last summer.
I thought about the time he had text me acting all suspicious after the whole Kevon situation died down and we were back on good terms.
Bestfriend😍👊🏽😘: soooo I was bad last night 😳
Me: how
Bestfriend😍👊🏽😘: 😳😳😳😳😳
Bestfriend😍👊🏽😘: well
Bestfriend😍👊🏽😘: actually nvm 🏃🏾🏃🏾🏃🏾
Me: no you brought it up so spit it out.
Bestfriend: lol 🙅🏽
Me: Paul don't play with me
Bestfriend: lol well there was this bad girl at a party right and let's just say yea 💃🏽
Me: hmmm
Bestfriend: see this is why I ain't wanna tell you
Me: cause I didn't say anything?
Bestfriend: what kinda hmm was that?
Me: so you smashed a random female?
Bestfriend: she was cute tho 😳
Me: and? Still doesn't change the fact
Bestfriend: hmm I mean I've literally been throwing my penis to you for a while now but you've always been playing
Me: I know.
I sighed. I was more so confused on why he was telling me this, he's never told me about his sex life so I guess it was just to throw shade. He doesn't owe me any loyalty, we're not together and even if we were fucking, it still wouldn't change the fact that he will still be fucking other females back in tally. I felt bad for playing this long but to be really honest I'm not ready for it at all.
Paul tried to have sex with me when he had come home for spring break but I was still playing games.
We were at my homegirl's house, Paul and I and my friend, and our mutual friend from high school which were doing their own thing by the pool. Paul and I sat on the bench just chilling and he started playing some music asking me to twerk. I wasn't in the mood to dance so I told him no. I was sitting with both of my legs on either side of the bench I laid my body back on the bench when I felt his body on top of me. "Paul what are you doing?"
"Why you keep playing?" He asked as he kissed my neck. He was highkey hurting me cause his head was pressed against my new cartilage piercing so I told him to get up. When he did he came and sat behind me pulling me onto his lap. Paul amazes me on how slick he does things, I was sitting there like how did he do that so easily?
His hands roamed down in between my legs as he started rubbing my kitty
"Paul no" I tried to remove his hands, I was on the last day of my period and I didn't want to do any of that but he started rubbing the right spot. I gave up on trying to remove his hand but I was wearing short shorts so it gave him easy access to just stick his hand inside my pants from the side. Once I felt him doing that I had to stop him and tell him I was on my period.
I got up from the table and he did too he was really frustrated. I instantly felt the vibe changed so I followed him back to the corner where he walked to.
"Paul?" I called to him.
"Why you keep playing Shanice?" He walked up to me closing the distance between us.
"I just told you I'm on my period" I responded I couldn't even look up at him I know he was trying to kiss me and I was trying to avoid this.
"Yea but your mouth isn't, look at me" he asked is he tried to get me to look up at him I was still avoiding it so he gave up. He was literally in his feelings cause he didn't understand why I was still playing games. I ended up telling him that I just feel like my feelings for him will get deeper if we were to have sex and that's not a good thing so I'm just trying to avoid that. He said ok and from there I knew shit wasn't right.
He texted me a couple days after that without ever mentioning what happened and till this day we never really spoke about sex, if I were to mention something about it he didn't respond the same way he used to. He stopped teasing me about playing games, it's like he officially gave up after trying for so long and I felt really bad because I honestly and truly do want him to be my first partner that I have sex with willingly but I'm sure he'll come around.
***********************
Months later....
Theo and I became really close, we started talking officially, and I'm starting to like him for real now. Theo doesn't work at my job anymore he left after a month of working there and Mr. Sam also left but he waited out till the school year was over. Mr. Sam and I also got close but as friends, we interact on social media but that's it.
Knowing how Paul is, I had to tell him about Theo and I. Honestly didn't want to but he has to know and I have to know if he's ok with it. I pulled out my phone and decided to text him.
Me: : bestfriend I have to tell you something
Bestfriend😍👊🏽😘: go for it
Me: how would you feel if I told you I was in a relationship?
Bestfriend😍👊🏽😘: are you?
Me: no. Talking to him though
Bestfriend😍👊🏽😘: 🤔 since when?
Me: about a month or so
Bestfriend😍👊🏽😘: hmmm
I hope he doesn't try to play off how he really feels about this.
Me: hmmm? That's it?
Bestfriend😍👊🏽😘: who is he?
Me: uhm somebody that I work with
Bestfriend: hmm you do know that I gotta approve right.
I busted out laughing, I don't mind him doing that but if it has anything to do with him coming to talk to Theo face to face I will kindly decline. Paul is my Bestfriend not my brother, Paul is not gay, but 100 percent straight so coming to Theo being all protective and defensive can come off wrong. Everybody has their similar views on guys and girl best friends and it's not always a positive view point from relationships.
Me: 😭 since when?
Bestfriend😍👊🏽😘: actually you got it.. proceed.
Me: are you sure?
Bestfriend😍👊🏽😘: yea
Me: positive
Bestfriend😍👊🏽😘: yup. Do you like him?
Me: I guess
Bestfriend😍👊🏽😘: then if its what makes you happy then go for it
I sat there thinking, this sounds just like the shit he said when Kevon was in the picture. I didn't know whether to believe he was honestly saying that or he just said that to make me feel better. In a way I believed him because we haven't spoke about our relationship or our feelings in a while, we haven't been speaking about sex either at all, the jokes and stuff we usually do subsided. The fact that he was still kind of keeping restrictions on me was the only thing letting me know that his feelings were still there. Now he's saying it's ok, so he just randomly dropped all the restrictions?
Me: do you actually mean that from the heart and not the head like last time?
Bestfriend😍👊🏽😘: yes
Me: on a scale of 0-100% how positive are you?
Bestfriend😍👊🏽😘: stop asking me 😑
I was just trying to make sure that he was ok with it but whatever I'll stop asking him shit. Yes I was kind of hurt that he asked me to stop asking him, I just wanted confirmation but he just proved to me that he is completely over the feelings. I'm happy that he's grown and matured but I'm not going to lie and say that I'm happy to be moving on.
My feelings for him are still here but I'm not going to wait on him that's stupid, it was made clear since our feelings were exposed that we aren't going to do shit with it because he's in tally and I'm down here so what's the point?
Me: I'm just making sure but ok 🤐
Bestfriend😍👊🏽😘: I'm sure Shanice. As long as you're happy I'm happy.
There's goes that fucking line I can't stand. There's nothing wrong with it but it gave off a bad first impression the first time he said it only because he wasn't really saying it from the heart. He was saying it from pain although he truly wanted to mean it he was hurt, but that was the past and he just told me to stop asking him shit so let me not.
Me: yea ok
Bestfriend😍👊🏽😘: im serious why don't you believe me is it because of how I used to act?
Yes Paul, it's hard as fuck to believe those words after what you did and how you acted when Kevon was in the picture. Calculating on how out the blue you're ok with me talking to someone tells me that you just not on the feelings shit no more so I'm done with this conversation.
Me: yea but I believe you
Bestfriend😍👊🏽😘: Ok.
After another month of talking Theo and I made it official so now we were together. I told Paul about it and he responded "you're good I know where we stand so it's ok frfr I want you to be happy"
I honestly felt a lot better when he said that, he was implying that he's not going to restrict me of anything considering the fact that he wants me to be happy but at the end of the day I know how you feel for me and vice versa. Or so that's what I think he meant by that, either way I wasn't so hurt about his feelings being gone because he just made it clear that it's still there.
*****************
"Hey jazz" I greeted as I walked in to my cousins house. Jazmine is my older cousin by two years, we were always close but for some reason we became closer when she moved closer to me.
"Hey girl, how are you?" She asked.
"I'm good, great, awesome" I responded with a smile on my face.
"You got some tea to tell, spill it" she said as she sat up. Jazz knows about everything, almost everything, she's my go to person but she has this thing where she's team Paul in every aspect.
"So I'm in a relationship now with Theo" jazz personally knows Theo but her face dropped.
"Why? I mean Theo is a good guy but what about Paul?"
"We not on that anymore jazz"
"I keep telling you to just have sex with the boy and I'm pretty sure y'all would do something about y'all relationship then"
I rolled my eyes at what she just said, I'm not ready for sex at all.
"I'm not ready for it"
"So you don't plan on fucking Theo?"
"I don't plan on fucking anybody till I'm ready but even with that I wouldn't want anybody to be my first willingly other than Paul"
"So say you're still with Theo and you think you're ready for sex you still want to go to Paul?"
"I know it sounds bad but yes. Highkey he's built a comfortable foundation between us since day one when it came to sex. He's been trying for years and every time I think I would be ready I get scared. I feel bad that I make him go through that cause at the end of the day he wants it and he and I both know I want it just as much."
"What's really stopping you, you been making excuses for years but what's the real truth?"
"The fact that I was raped, so many thoughts be going through my mind, the pain I felt from that was not enjoyable at all. It's like when Paul does all those things to turn me on and have my juices flowing I be so into it but the thought of his penis entering me is frightening. If I feel one pinch of pain I think it's just going to bring me back to the past and it's not because I don't want it but that's not something you easily let go of" I spoke up. Jazz didn't know about Jason and the shit he pulled off, that shit had fuck me up even more, Paul didn't know the whole story either so I just kept everything to myself.
I told Paul about one hundred different excuses on why I keep playing but the truth is I'm scared and it ties in to my past with being raped and shit. Until I fully get over that and be able to say I don't care anymore, I'll truly be able to proceed and have sex with him.
"Also I just know that if and when we have sex, we are going to become closer and we're already close as hell now. I don't want to get close to him in fear that I may get hurt or anytime in the future. That goes for Theo too like I don't have time for it" I added.
"Makes sense but if you trust Paul why would you let your past get in the way of having sex with him? He's not Raymond, he's not going to hurt you in that way period."
"I know he's not but I'm traumatized from the past so it comes in the way regardless" I told her.
"Girl you know I'm Team Paul all the way, but I really hope you and Theo are happy together."
"Thanks."