23: I NEVER REALLY PEGGED YOU FOR A MUSICALS KIND OF GIRL
« we're just planning a little get together, nothing fancy. just family, a few close friends, and all the eligible young women in the kingdom. »
THREE DAYS AFTER shit goes down with Toby, Allison goes back to school, and doesn't see him once on the first day – or the second, or the third. She thinks a lot about texting him to check if he's okay, but never carries through with it, which results in a lot of despondent staring at the screen at the last texts they'd exchanged (some argument about whether kittens or puppies are cuter).
"Do it," Lydia says, standing beside her. Allison locks her phone and looks up at her. "...or don't," she finishes.
"It's not that I don't want to, it's just..." Allison trails off, not finding the right words.
"You're still kind of mad at him?" Lydia finishes.
"Yeah," she admits, because, well, she is. She knows now that Toby was upset about his mom when he hurled those words at her, but it doesn't mean they don't hurt any less. And they hurt a whole lot.
Daniel ends up calling her, eventually, one night on the first week back when she's struggling through Calculus and aggressively not thinking about Toby or what's up with him.
Turns out, what Toby told her was pretty true: his mom got into an accident years ago that left her with long-term amnesia. What he didn't tell her was that for the next two years, his mom couldn't even begin to remember Toby or Toby's dad. She ended up living with them and feeling like a stranger in her own house. Eventually, it became too much, and she ended up being diagnosed with depression. So she'd left; gone out of state.
"I think she went to Washington, or something," Daniel says. "I don't know. Someplace far away. Toby was like, thirteen. She promised him that if she remembered she'd come back. But I guess she didn't. He knew – I mean, he knew it wasn't her fault, or anything. But his dad ended up working himself to death to try and forget about it, and Toby was just – alone. Like, I guess it might even be worse than your mom dying. Your mom not even remembering who you are."
"She never remembered anything?"
"Nothing," she can practically hear Daniel's shrug over the phone. "All her doctors were going batshit crazy about it. Toby – Toby was kinda...I mean, he had to redo his last grade of middle school. That's when I met him and stuff."
"That's why he's a year ahead," Allison murmurs in understanding.
"I mean, if you ask me, he didn't need it, or anything – I mean, you know Toby, he's on the honor roll and everything without even having to try, but his dad insisted."
"What's his dad like? I mean – I've never even met him –"
"He's a good guy. He – I mean, he loves Toby, obviously, he just – I mean, I think maybe he forgets – forgets that –"
"That Toby needs a dad," Allison finishes, thinking of Lydia.
Daniel sighs. "Yeah. Basically."
There's a pause. "Thanks for telling me," Allison says softly.
"It's okay. I mean, I don't know why he didn't tell you in the first place. You guys are practically joined at the hip or something, he's always talking about you and –"
"Wait, what?"
" – it's just like – I don't know. I was kinda waiting on him to ask you out, to be honest."
Allison feels dizzy. "You were?"
"Obviously," Daniel says, as if he'd be stupid not to have been waiting on them. "You guys are literally married."
"We are?" Allison feels like a parrot, but, like, really?
There's a moment during which she's sure Daniel is rolling her eyes. "Yeah, Allison. You are. You act like more of a married couple with him than you do with Lydia, and that's saying something." You and Lydia catches in her head, but only for half a second, because his tone turns teasing on the other line as he continues, "And the way you couldn't keep your eyes off him at Lydia's party –"
Allison can feel a blush beginning to rise into her cheeks. "Shut up."
Daniel laughs. "Anyway. What I'm saying is, go for it. Don't – don't let, uh, you know. Stuff. Stop you."
"Stuff?"
"Yeah. Stupid...stupid bro stuff, or whatever."
"Isn't this kinda weird for you?"
"A little," he tells her honestly. "I mean, you and Toby? I don't know. It was weird. He's never actually told me that he likes you but, I mean, I have eyes."
Allison laughs, a little high-pitched. "I don't think I –"
"Shut up, Allison, you totally do," Daniel says dryly, and she can tell how much it pains him inside, all this girl talk. Only a minute in and it's already too much for the guy.
"I might not –"
"Sure," he says, as though appeasing her. "Of course. But just in case you do. Go for it. You guys are both my best friends. And if you're happy together, then...why should I get in the way?"
"We're not together," Allison says, automatically.
"Okay, Allison."
"I don't think I like him."
"Okay, Allison."
"He's my friend."
"Okay, Allison."
"Daniel –"
He laughs. "I'll see you tomorrow, okay?"
"Okay." Allison pauses, then says, "I love you."
"Yeah, I know."
"You're meant to say it back, jerk."
"Okay. I love me too."
"Ugh," Allison huffs. "I'm hanging up on you."
"Bye!"
✦
Allison does see Toby, eventually, sitting alone at the back of the classroom in AP English. If she' s being honest, he looks all kinds of awful. His hair is sticking up even more than usual, a complete bird's nest – the circles under his eyes are darker than she's ever seen them, and what's probably worse is his actual eyes. Kind of...dead. Empty. It makes her want to walk up to him and tell him she'll watch a thousand musicals a day if it means the look he's wearing will change.
But she doesn't.
She averts her eyes before sitting behind Lydia in the third row from the back, taking out her copy of Crime and Punishment. Out of it slips a piece of paper torn from a notebook, scrawled upon in Toby's large, familiar cursive. It's her copy of the list of musicals they're meant to be watching. Trying not to wince inwardly as she does so, she brings her pen down to Mary Poppins and puts a check mark by it, before letting her eyes slip lower to the next one on the list.
Rodgers' and Hammerstein's Cinderella.
Allison frowns. Unless there's a full version of YouTube, she has no idea how she's going to find the musical without Toby's help. Ms. Blake still hasn't arrived, so she settles for staring thoughtfully at the list, before a voice from beside her jolts her out of her thoughts.
"Um, Allison?"
Allison turns to look at Laura and gives her a tiny smile. "Hey. What's up?"
"Sorry, but do you have some lined paper I could borrow?" Laura looks utterly apologetic, as though making someone tear a piece of paper from their notepad is one of the worst forms of torture known to man. "I'm all out."
"Sure," Allison leans down to grab her pad from her bag, taking a piece before giving it to her.
"Thanks," Laura beams. Allison is reminded forcefully of Toby.
"No prob," she says, thinking. "Hey, Laura?"
"Mhm?"
"When's the show?"
"Cinderella?" Laura's smile widens. "The first show's tonight, but we're going till Saturday night. You coming to see Toby?"
"And you," she adds absently. "But yeah, I think I am."
At the words and you Laura goes from just smiling to practically glowing. "If you do, you better come say hi afterwards, alright? Come to the afterparty. We'll be backstage. We'll wait for you."
"Sure." Allison likes Laura. She's practically a female version of Toby. "I'm looking forward to it already."
✦
"I wanna go see Cinderella," Allison announces to Lydia at lunch.
"I know," Lydia is studying a very big textbook with very tiny font. "I already bought us two tickets for Saturday's one. The last night's always the best."
"But I haven't mentioned it till now."
"So? I still knew you wanted to go see it."
"Well, thanks."
"Anything for you."
Allison says nothing to that, only lets her gaze travel across the cafeteria absently. Her eyes catch on Laura, sitting alone at a table on the other side of the room and reading what looks like it's a script.
"Hey," she says, "I'm, uh...I'm gonna go sit with Laura, okay?"
Lydia pauses in her reading to look up and follow Allison's line of sight. She hesitates for a moment, pursing her lips, before saying: "Okay, let's go."
"Wait, what?" Allison's eyes widen as Lydia places her textbook on her tray and picks it up, starting to walk over.
"You wanted to go sit with Laura, didn't you?"
"Yeah, but – I mean...yeah," Allison says weakly. She still doesn't think she's quite understood the whole thing. Only a year ago Lydia wouldn't be seen dead sitting with a 'drama geek' in the canteen. Actually, Allison corrects, she's being too generous. Only three months ago, Lydia wouldn't be seen dead sitting with a drama geek in the canteen.
Lydia reaches Laura's table first, setting her tray down with finality. Allison follows suit. She can feel curious stares boring into her back.
"Hey," Lydia says casually, as though her and Laura eat lunch together every day. Allison smiles.
Laura's mouth is slightly ajar as her gaze flits from Lydia to Allison and back to Lydia. "Hey," she says finally.
And it's kind of that easy.
"You going over your lines for Cinderella, then?" Lydia begins to dig into her salad, looking genuinely interested.
"Yeah," Laura shifts and looks like she's trying not to stare too hard at Lydia. "Just, uh...making sure I know all of them."
"Your first show's tonight, right?" Lydia asks.
"Yeah," Laura says again, looking pleasantly surprised.
"Well, break a leg," Lydia responds contentedly. Allison marvels silently at the wonder that is her best friend. "Allison and I are coming to see you Saturday night, right, Allison?"
"Mhm," Allison nods around a mouthful of mac 'n' cheese. "Right there in the front row," she says teasingly. Laura smiles at that, seeming to relax slightly.
"No, we really are in the front row," Lydia informs Allison. "Just saying."
Now, Laura laughs. All Allison can think is Toby, because literally, it's like, the same soul in one body, or something.
The conversation shifts topic, and Allison's already zoning out, but Lydia's conversational prowess is more than enough to make up for the two of them, and Allison thinks about Toby, because Laura reminds her of him, with the way she has dimples in her cheeks and her eyes are bright with general enthusiasm to pretty much anything and everything. Allison wonders what it'll take for Toby to look like Laura again.
✦
"I need to stop going out with you, I'm being outshone far too often," Lydia says by way of greeting when Allison opens her front door, pursing her lips in thought.
Allison looks at Lydia's outfit, then gives hers another glance, then snorts. "Is that some kind of joke?" she says, moving away from the door and further inside.
"Are you visually impaired?" Lydia retorts in much the same tone, following her.
"Lydia," Allison says, as though that's all she needs to say. But honestly, she doesn't think Lydia quite grasps the situation. Yeah, Allison is pretty good-looking, and when she dresses up she usually comes out decent enough. But Lydia is beautiful. As in, I could be wearing the contents of a trash can and still look flawless beautiful.
"No, no, I'm serious," Lydia shakes her head with utter conviction. "Jackie," she calls. "Does Allison not look amazing?"
"You both do, as always," Allison's mom says from the living room, where she's reading over court papers.
"You haven't even seen me yet," Lydia calls back.
"I don't need to see you to state fact!"
Lydia snorts and shakes her head, before turning back to Allison. "Anyway. I'm serious."
"Lydia, I'm not having this argument."
"This isn't an argument, this is me stating empirical truth," Lydia objects, eyes alight. "Like, I don't know how else I can make it clear to you that you are literally –"
"Okay, enough," Allison holds up one hand, then pauses to look closely at Lydia. "What brought this on, anyway?"
"The fact that you look amazing?"
Allison's eyes narrow. "Shut up, Lydia."
"Make me."
There's a pause, and Allison feels like the atmosphere around them has suddenly shifted into something heavier, more concentrated. "Lydia," she says, surprised at how the word comes out sounding more like a whisper than anything else. "What –"
"Just," Lydia seems to have calmed down slightly, but there's something about the look in her eyes and how she holds herself that renders the air around her practically electric. It's the look she gets when she absolutely refuses to lose an argument; when she's driving a point home in a debate and will make sure she wins without question. In these moments, all Allison can compare Lydia to is shattered glass. Simultaneously beautiful and terrifying. "Trust me on this one, okay? You win the prize for best-dressed tonight."
"Okay," Allison says slowly, still standing an arms-length away from her, unsure of whether to move closer. "Are you –"
"Fine," Lydia's turned away, as though going for a glass of water, but Allison knows better. "Sorry, I just...I'm okay."
Allison hesitates. "We can give the show a miss," she offers.
"Don't be stupid," Lydia almost-huffs. "Tonight's the last night. We can't miss it. You need to go."
"I don't, I can just find something on YouTube, I'm sure there'll be –"
"That's not what I meant," Lydia cuts her off. "You need to go for Toby."
Allison bites her lip. "I don't," she murmurs. "If there's something up, we can stay home."
Lydia's looking at her weirdly again. It frustrates Allison that this is becoming an almost regular occurrence now, and she still can't pinpoint what it is about Lydia's gaze. Still can't name it.
So she says: "What?"
Lydia blinks. "What?"
"You were looking at me weird."
Then, something Allison really wasn't expecting happens.
Lydia blushes.
A genuine, pale pink dusting of the cheeks blush. And Allison doesn't know what to do with it. She doesn't even know why it's there. "No, I wasn't," she insists.
Allison smiles, but only because she can't think of anything to do – she's that confused. "You – "
"Girls!"
Allison turns in the direction of her mom's voice, thinking she's probably imagining the near inaudible sigh of relief that's been emitted from behind her. "Yeah, mom?"
"You oughta head off if the show starts at seven," her mother calls from the living room. "You don't want to be late."
Allison glances at the clock, which reads half past six. "Okay," she replies, before turning to Lydia. Part of Allison wants to continue her previous line of questioning, but she decides against it, instead choosing to say: "Let's go?"
Lydia nods, and when Allison's fingers go to wrap around her wrist, she doesn't complain, leaning into instead. Allison takes it to mean that any missteps on her own part have been forgiven.
"You still look hot," Allison teases.
Lydia purses her lips, then says: "I know." Allison laughs.
✦
The only version of Cinderella Allison has ever seen is, predictably, the Disney one, so she has no idea what to expect from the show – but she's impressed.
Toby looks more alive than she's seen him in a long time, not even just this week, and she doesn't know whether that's down to good acting or the rush she knows he gets from being onstage; probably a bit of both.
Laura is amazing, of course, but Allison's eyes follow Toby of their own accord, even when the scene isn't his. Twice in the second act she think he catches her staring, and it's enough to make her stomach flip. She doesn't even know whether it's a good feeling or not anymore. He kisses Laura in one of the final scenes and she gets the same sensation again. Like, a weird swooping. Ridiculous, she thinks to herself. She's being ridiculous. She doesn't even like him. Not in that way, anyway.
In other ways, though, she thinks suddenly as Toby is bowing and the audience is standing up, cheering and clapping. I like him in other ways. And she's still ridiculously mad at him, but when he's beaming from the stage and dressed in a pretty stupid prince costume and looking like he's never been happier, Allison feels a surge of pride.
My Toby, she thinks, without even meaning to. My best friend.
He bows again, and when Laura takes his hand, he glances down at her, grinning widely. Allison thinks she can hear Daniel whooping two rows behind her, and next to her Lydia is exhibiting very well her ability to wolf-whistle (one of her many hidden talents). And Allison keeps clapping.
✦
The cast after party that Laura had made Allison promise to attend is mostly difficult because she's probably the only one there who's actively avoiding Toby Martin, aka the star of the show who everyone is searching for. Luckily, that means she – or rather, Lydia – can easily spot where he's likely to be, because of the mass of people that will also be crowded in the same place.
Honestly, her anger at Toby has long since faded, but now what's in its place is a whole lot of wounded pride, on top of a heck of a lot of questions. For example: is that really what you think of me? Are you okay? Do I really treat you as badly as you made out?
Do you want a hug? Because I don't mind giving you one.
Allison expects she'd end up looking pretty weird, standing around wherever everyone else isn't, but Lydia's with her, which means they automatically attract a few people here and there, and then, oddly enough, Laura breaks free from her circle to come join them.
The whole thing is at Jacob White's apartment, because on top of captaining the basketball that seems permanently cursed, he seemed to realise that it wasn't taking him places, and signed up to be Props Master for both the winter and summer musicals this year. It's decently sized, but Allison can already feel herself tiring; she can only take so many parties a month, and Lydia's New Years' one was worth around ten thousand parties, anyway.
(Which isn't necessarily a good thing).
So, it's pretty grim, how Allison's propped up on one of the stools at the kitchen island and sipping despondently out of a red plastic cup, the contents of which she's not quite sure of but Lydia had crammed into her hand around fifteen minutes earlier, and also gave her a pretty gentle sort of buzzing feeling. Lydia's off entertaining the masses, the other masses are being entertained by Toby and co., and Allison is feeling very alone and taking the opportunity to wallow in self-pity when someone slides into the stool beside hers and doesn't immediately fall off again, which means they're not drunk, which means, they're, like, choosing to join her while they're of sane body and mind.
"Hey," Laura says, smiling. "You came."
"Well, I said that I might," Allison says back, trying to muster up a smile from the depths of her soul that haven't been completely extinguished yet by the party overload.
"You know," Laura sips at a cup which she can't see the contents of. Allison hopes sincerely that she's making conversation with her because she wants to, and not because she's drunk. "We just accidentally quoted a musical."
"Did we?" Allison is vaguely interested. She can practically hear her September-self yelling at her across the four months. A musical? September Allison is saying. And you're interested? "Which one?"
"Yep," Laura nods, oblivious to her inner turmoil. "Next to Normal. Was first shown off-Broadway in 2008. We just managed to quote the song 'Hey #3 slash Perfect for You'. You should check it out sometime. Won the Pulitzer Prize and everything."
"Maybe I will," Allison says thoughtfully, and September Allison practically throws herself off a cliff.
Laura smiles at that, sipping at her drink. "Ya know," she says pensively. "I never really pegged you for a musicals kind of girl."
"I'm not," Allison says automatically, because, c'mon, like, she's not. "I've only seen..."
Then she stops short. Because she realises that that list might end up being a little more extensive than she'd thought.
"Only seen?"
"Uh..."
"Alright," Laura says, grinning slyly. "Let me ask you."
Oh, God no, Allison thinks. She doesn't know what will be more embarrassing; saying yes to a lot of these musicals, or having to explain that she's seen them all with Toby, who Laura is pretty sure has noticed she's been avoiding.
"Have you watched...The Phantom of the Opera?"
Allison makes a face involuntarily. "Yes. It was...ugh. Yes, I've seen it."
Laura laughs. "Have you seen The Wizard of Oz?"
Allison gives her a look. "Okay," Laura admits. "I'm pretty sure most people have seen that one. What about Les Mis?"
"Yep," Allison sighs. Laura has a curious look in her eye now; she keeps going.
"Chicago?"
"Yep."
"Singin' in the Rain?"
"Yep."
"My Fair Lady?"
"Yep."
"Cabaret?"
"With the girl who sings that song?"
"There's usually a girl who sings a song in a musical, Allison."
"Shut up! What was it - Maybe Next Time, or something."
"Maybe This Time."
"That's it. Yeah, I've seen it."
"Rent?"
"Mhm."
"Sweet Charity?"
"That's the one with the ginger and the weird hippies, right?"
"Yes."
"Okay. Yes. I've seen that one."
"Footloose?"
"Yes."
"Sister Act?"
"Yeah."
Laura's eyes narrow. "So. You're not a musicals girl."
"I'm not!"
"Oh, sure you're not."
"Laura!" Allison thinks about taking it all back. The girl's more horrible than Toby. She clearly enjoys tormenting poor, innocent people like her.
Laura laughs, and it sounds so much like sunshine to Allison's slightly alcohol dazed ears that she takes back taking it all back. Laura is Toby. Kinda.
"Okay, another question," Laura leans forward, still smiling, the remnants of her laugh still hovering on her face. "Why are you avoiding Toby?"
"Wait, what?"
"Aw, c'mon, I can tell, it's okay," Laura raises two eyebrows, smile still on her face. "It's cool. Did you guys have a fight, or...?"
"You could say that," Allison suddenly feels the urge to down the entire contents of her cup in one go and then reach for a refill. She suppresses it with a small degree of difficulty.
"Was it about his mom?"
Allison almost knocks over her cup. "What?"
"His mom," Laura says calmly. "You know, long-term amnesiac, can't remember her own family, hasn't showed up in half a decade or so -"
"Yeah," Allison manages to cut her off. "We...yeah."
Laura purses her lips thoughtfully. "Whatever he said, he -"
"- didn't mean it," she finishes glumly. "So I've heard."
"No, really, he doesn't," Laura shakes her head. "I mean, I love Toby, but it's always tough when his mom comes into it. We had a fight when I first found out about her, too."
"You did?"
"Oh, sure," she waves a hand. "I was so mad I didn't talk to him for, like, two weeks. Pretty harsh, considering how hung up he was over me back then, but I -"
Allison chokes on her drink. "You knew - you know about his -"
"Crush? Allison, I didn't just know, we had a thing last summer," Laura laughs.
"You - you and - you - you and Toby -"
"Oh, yeah," Laura nods, raising her eyebrows over her cup. "We got all the way to -"
"Okay, too far," Allison wrinkles her nose in mild disgust. "Why did you not...?"
"Carry on?" Laura shrugs. "I don't think either of us planned on it. It was summer, we'd passed SATs, we were sexually -"
"Okay, okay, I get the gist."
Laura grins, winking. "I bet you do."
Allison tries to glare, but the fact that she's also blushing is a little detrimental to the overall effect. "I can't believe you guys dated," Allison frowns.
"I wouldn't say dated," Laura corrects. "More like hooked up occasionally. But I don't regret it. I mean, Toby's one of my closest friends. It was kind of weird how it wasn't awkward afterwards. Actually, really weird. But I'm not complaining."
"Hm," Allison hums.
"Anyway," she waves off. "We went way off-topic there. Back to what I was originally saying: just wait it out, okay? A few more days and he'll come right back. Not to say he's a puppy to come right back, or -"
"He kind of is."
"Yeah, okay, he kind of is. But what I mean is, you mean a lot to Toby. I promise."
Allison looks at her for a moment, thoughtfully. "You're really awesome, Laura Bell," she says finally, smiling slightly.
Laura laughs, a full-out tipping back of her head belly laugh. Allison's thinking a little clearer now, but it still sounds inexplicably like sunshine, all crammed into an assortment of sounds. "Thanks, Allison Reed," she says, grinning. "You're not bad yourself."
And that is how, at an after party that she doesn't really belong in, where she's trying to avoid Toby Martin and is sitting at Jacob White's kitchen island, Allison Reed becomes very good friends with Laura Bell.