DON'T FORGET TO FOLLOW THE CHARACTERS ON INSTAGRAM FOR MORE UPDATES:
@ niall.ymnn @ olivia.ymnn @ jake.ymnn @ zara.ymnn
---
Gif of Olivia.
---
Previously in chapter 34:
"Just surround yourself with people you actually like." She said.
"So basically I can only hang out with you and Jake."
She laughed.
"Don't you like your co-workers?" She asked.
"Nah, I'd rather be with you." I shrugged, grinning.
She smiled back.
"And I know someone who'd want to be with you right now, and make sure you'll alright."
"Oh, really?" I continued to grin as I leaned in to kiss her.
"I was talking about your mom, but okay." She giggled and kissed me.
---------------
Olivia's point of view
It was our last day here in Sheffield and the sun was shining. I was out by the pool with Scarlett, and Niall was inside with Franklin. My brother had been home from the US over the summer, which was nice but sad that I didn't spend more time with him.
"Do you remember your fifteenth birthday?" I asked Scarlett.
"I threw a big party." She nodded.
"And then you left your own party, taking everyone with you downtown."
"Oh right! You and Niall came to pick me up. He told me I had ruined your life."
I frowned and turned to look at her.
"What?"
She shrugged. "That's all I remember him saying to me that night."
"You told everyone we were sisters, when I called myself Olivia Coleman. And I kind of freaked out about it."
"Did Niall know?"
I nodded.
"Then it makes sense what he told me. I mean I saw you two in the hallways in school. Just from the way he looked at you, I could tell he really cared about you."
"Does he still look at me that way?"
"Sort of. Now it's like you're the only thing he sees. And it's weird to think that I used to have a crush on him."
"You had a crush on Niall?" I asked, slightly giggling. "You never told me that."
"Who didn't?" She laughed. "He was the hottest guy in school!"
"Well, thank you."
I looked over to the door. Niall was leaning against the doorframe, smirking.
"Too bad your sister is the only thing I see." He continued and walked over to us.
"If you're going to kiss her now, I think I'll throw up." Scarlett muttered.
"Stop being such a snob. I can easily throw you into the pool." Niall told her. "I'm going downtown with Franklin for a while." He added, looking at me.
"So he's not mad at you anymore?"
"Finally, no." He laughed. "It was getting quite annoying that my brother-in-law hated me."
Brother-in-law
"And quite funny that my sister-in-law has a crush on me."
"Had!" Scarlett complained, making Niall laugh even more.
"See you later." He said and kissed the top of me head before leaving.
"I can't believe he'll be in the family for the rest of our lives. He's already pissing me off." Scarlett said.
"Scar." I laughed. "We just got back together. Who said anything about the rest of our lives?"
"Oh, please! Stop fooling yourself, Olivia."
"Are you gonna make a speech about how we're meant to be?" I continued to laugh.
"Hell no. I don't believe in destiny and all that. But I know that you do, and I know that you love him with all your heart. Since we live in different cities, I can't say that I know he loves you just as much. But just these past days, I've seen that he loves you more. It's just in his body language, you know? Whenever you move, he moves. Whenever you laugh, he laughs."
"I've read about that. It's called mirroring." I said.
"Makes sense. And I've never seen anything like that before. Not that I usually care about other people, but there's just something about you two."
I couldn't help but smile.
"So I want you to look me in the eye, and tell me that you haven't thought about him at all the past three years." She said, turning to me.
"Of course I've thought about him."
"Even when you were with Marcus?"
I felt bad for nodding.
"See? If you couldn't move on from Niall completely, there's a big chance he'll stay in your life forever." She proudly said and leaned back in her chair. "And I bet you're not complaining too much about it."
"I'm not complaining at all." I mumbled.
And she smiled because she knew.
---
Niall's point of view
A few days later, Olivia and I were back in London. We were at her place, and she had begun to pack. I was talking to Jake on the phone, discussing what we should do with my current flat. Either he could keep it, or he'd move in here with Zara. He can take Olivia's bedroom if he doesn't feel comfortable about being with Zara in that way yet. Hopefully they'll reach that stage in their relationship. But he said he'd keep my flat for a while, just until he and Zara decide to take the next step.
Then suddenly I heard Olivia slam her bedroom door shut. I told Jake I'd call him back, and left my phone in the kitchen and made my way down the hall.
"Olivia?"
I turned the doorknob, only to find it being locked.
"Babe, you okay?"
"No!" She yelled from the other side, and I could hear her crying.
I frowned, desperately trying to open the door.
"What's going on?"
"Nothing!"
"Unlock the door and let me in."
"No, leave me alone!"
I sighed and leaned my forehead against the door.
"You know I can't leave when you're crying."
"Niall, leave." She sobbed. "I want to be alone."
"I won't let you. That way you could easily hurt yourself."
"So what if I do?" She cried out.
"Okay, don't make me kick the door in, because I will unless you let me in."
She stayed quiet for a moment, and then seconds later she unlocked the door. As soon as the door was no longer keeping us apart, I took her in my arms and hugged her tighter than I've ever hugged someone before. She cried against my chest, and she was shaking.
I looked behind her, seeing all of her books lying spread out on the floor. A lot of papers were surrounding the books, along with photographs. She had basically thrown out everything from her bookshelf onto the floor.
I saw old photos of her family, a photo of her and Marcus, a photo from graduation, a photo of me and photos of her friends.
"Talk to me." I mumbled.
She leaned away from me and my heart ached when I saw her bloodshot eyes. She walked over to the mess on the floor and sat down, and I followed her.
"How could I ever do that?" She mumbled and picked up a photo of her family. "How could I be ashamed of being in that family?"
I sat down next to her, just looking at her.
"Scarlett might be super spoiled, but she's the only sister I've got." She mumbled. "And Franklin was always really protective over me. How could I hate him so much?"
"Olivia..."
"And my parents! What did they do to deserve a daughter like me? A daughter that lied to her teachers, to her friends and even to them?"
I pulled her towards me, letting her rest against my shoulder.
"That's in the past." I told her. "Your family still loves you."
"How can you be so sure?" She sniffed.
"I know them. I just know that they love you more than you can imagine."
She reached for another picture.
"He made me feel worthless." She mumbled.
It was an old picture of her and Riley.
"He's the worthless one." I said.
"The only compliment I ever got from him was that I was sexy. And it made me feel like he was talking about my body, just my body. And then you came along and told me I was beautiful. Those words have two different meanings."
"What did Marcus call you?" I dared to ask.
"He said my scars were beautiful. But they're not. There's nothing beautiful about them."
"Maybe he just doesn't get it. To me, your scars prove that you've been through something tough, and that you survived it. But they are beautiful, too. They are a part of you and you're beautiful. I hope you know that."
She was quiet for a while, until she asked me something she's never asked me before.
"What would you do if I killed myself?"
My first thought was 'I'd kill myself too'. But I didn't want her to think like that.
"I'm not gonna let you do that."
"I'm not asking you for permission." She said, sitting up to look at me. "I'm tired of fighting, Niall."
She squeezed her eyes shut and new tears were rolling down her cheeks.
"I don't think I can do this anymore. My entire body is screaming for help, but I don't feel like it. I just want it to stop."
I tried so hard not to cry.
"I know it feels impossible, but please stay. Don't stay for Zara, or for me. Stay for yourself. And I know you don't want to, but please. You deserve so much more than this, Olivia, and I wish you could see that too."
She stared down at the photos for a minute.
"Will you help me?"
"Of course." I told her. "But you also have to help yourself. The first step is to admit that you feel this way. The second step is to face your problems. You have a long way ahead of you, and I'll be walking beside you. Ever step of the way."
Later that night, Olivia was asleep on the couch with her feet in my lap. I had been holding her all night, until she eventually fell asleep. And at first I was scared to let go.
It's hard knowing that the one you love is struggling this much. It's hard knowing that the one you love wants to die. And I can't do anything about it. I'm going to help her as much as I can, but she has to realise herself that she needs to be her own hero now. I can't save her. She has to save herself.
What if one day I won't be here? Who's gonna save her then?
"I wish I could save you." I whispered, looking at her. "I will try my hardest, but you're gonna have to fight with me."
She didn't move, unless breathing. It was enough for now. She was still breathing and that was more than enough.
I reached for my notepad I had left on the coffee table earlier. Old song lyrics went by my eyes as I flipped through the pages. Then I stopped on a new page and began writing.
"She closed the door. She hides behind the face nobody knows. She feels her skin touch the floor. She wants to fight, her eyes are tired, nobody's on her side. She wants to feel like she did before.
She looks into her mirror, wishing someone could hear her so loud. And I need love, so hold me closer in the night, just enough.
I need love, to hold me closer in the night, just enough, to feel my body come alive. When my bones starts breaking, my heart's starts shaking. I need love, need love."
I rewrote some parts, adding words, erasing words.
"The coffee's cold. He turned around and said 'I hope you know you're beautiful, have you ever been told?'. She's a little shy, as he walks away she slowly breaks a smile. The skies are blue, haven't been for a while.
She looks into her mirror, wishing someone could hear her so loud."
I looked at her again. She wore a loose t-shirt, so I could see her arms. Her scars were visible and it made me look at my own arms. I only had a few tiny scars on my wrists. When I played football in school, I always wore t-shirts and I didn't want nosey people to throw questions in my face. So I cut on my upper thighs, so I could cover them with my football shorts. In year 11, I got so bad I was absent from school a lot. That's when I started to self-harm on more visible parts of my body. I simply didn't care.
Around 4am she woke up on the couch. I was still awake, but was beginning to get tired.
My insomnia is starting to get better. I noticed how it began to disappear after I quit my job at the pub. No more night shifts, and it makes it easier to fall asleep in a decent time. I'm still having trouble staying asleep for more than two hours in a row, but hopefully I will be able to sleep normally in the future. Fall asleep before midnight, and sleep through the entire night.
"Niall?" Olivia mumbled and rubbed her eyes, slowly sitting up. "Did I have a breakdown or was it just a very intense nightmare?"
"You had a breakdown, but it felt like a nightmare for both of us." I said.
"I'm sorry."
I placed my arm on the headrest, inviting her into my embrace. She crawled closer and leaned into me.
"You don't have to apologise. Never." I told her.
"Is Zara home?" She asked.
"No."
"At Jake's place?"
"Yes."
"This couch is awfully uncomfortable." She mumbled before yawning. "Can we go to bed instead?"
I followed her into her bedroom, ignoring the mess on the floor. She wrapped the covers around herself and pressed her head into her pillow. I took off my jeans, leaving my boxers and t-shirt on before lying down next to her. She scooted a bit closer, resting her cheek against my arm.
"I love you." She mumbled. "I feel like I don't say it enough."
"Remember the skinny love quote you once told me? The one I got tattooed on my wrist? When two people love each other, but are too shy to admit it, yet they still show it."
"I'm not too shy to admit it." She said.
"You don't have to tell me every day. Without sounding too cocky, I still know you do."
She lightly giggled.
"It gets more meaningful if you say it just once in a while. That's the way I see it." She said.
I felt her hand stroking mine before she intertwined our fingers under the covers.
I can't wait to learn how to sleep properly, because this right here is the best feeling in the world. Even if she's completely broken and doesn't know how to love herself, even if she's been crying most of the night and it's been frustrating that I haven't been able to do anything about it.
Right now, when we're lying in bed together, everything feels okay. I might be broken too, and I barely even know what love is, it still feels okay.
"You're gonna be okay. I'm gonna be okay. We're gonna be okay." I mumbled.
She squeezed my hand a little. "I know."
I smiled and closed my eyes. And eventually, I fell asleep.
---------------------------------------
Follow Niall on Instagram under the username @ niall.ymnn
Follow Olivia on Instagram under the username @ olivia.ymnn
Follow Jake on Instagram under the username @ jake.ymnn
Follow Zara on Instagram under the username @ zara.ymnn
Follow me, the author, on Instagram/Twitter/Tumblr under the username @ dancelikekids