Mine
I'm walking into the dormitory, eyes red from trying to hold back my tears, when I see Koko sitting down in one of the lounge chairs with a guy. Before I can sneak away, she sees me and calls me over.
The guy stands up, a calm and friendly smile on his face. His hair is short, longer on top than on the sides, and his demeanour is very cool and collected—mature.
"Nice to meet you, I'm Max. Koko has talked about you a lot." He reaches his hand out, shaking my own hand with a charming smile. Despite clearly being Korean, his English sounds quite flawless as well, better than Taeyoung's.
"I'm Sohee," I manage to get out. I notice Koko's excited face. She likes him.
She looks at me again, her face falling.
"Sohee—" She stands up, turning me to face her. "What happened? Was it Taeyoung?"
I try my best to not start crying again in front of this guy, but I'm surprised to see him looking concerned, and not at all awkward.
"That bastard," she mutters. I don't even say anything and her brow furrows.
"He doesn't want a girlfriend." The words come out like ice, just as his words sounded to me.
"I'm going to kill him." And she looks like she actually will until Max gently places a hand on her forearm.
"Do you mind me asking what's wrong? I don't mean to intrude."
Koko, you sure found yourself a gentleman. Unlike myself. She looks at me for approval and I nod, eyes looking down at my shoes.
"This asshole Taeyoung has basically been leading her on. I never trusted him, from the moment I saw him with that damn sparkly suit jacket, who the fuck carries around clothes like that? And his bleach blonde hair, who the hell does he think he is?"
I feel the urge to stick up for him. It's not like he wanted to dye his hair, he had to. But I stay quiet. She's just sticking up for me, as good friends do.
She continues on a rant, and Max's face gets a bit pale, much unlike the poise he's shown this whole time.
"Maybe it was miscommunication, different languages—" He begins to say.
I cut him off. "He speaks very good English. He's even my language partner."
Now his face is really struck. He pauses, cogs turning in this head. "I have to go. I'll see you tomorrow Koko?"
"What? Okay?" Koko looks at him in confusion. He smiles at her, kissing her forehead smoothly before leaving the building.
What was that all about?
Koko is smiling from the kiss.
"Are you dating?" I ask, expecting an answer much like my own when she asked me earlier, I don't know.
"Kinda," she responds. My face falls. "It just sorta happened."
"Seriously," I say quite bitterly, despite myself. I immediately take it back. I'm starting to act like Taeyoung just was.
"I'm sorry Sohee, he just asked me and I think I actually like him." Her face is sympathetic as she sees my puffy face.
"I need to go to sleep," I say, overwhelmed with everything.
"Okay, text me when you wake up." She rubs my arm comfortingly.
I leave.
I climb into my bed.
I don't sleep.
***
The next morning, I reluctantly get out of bed to head to Monday classes. I don't even talk to Koko in Korean class because my mood is still down. She looks at me throughout the class, a concerned look on her usually animated face. I can't help but self loathe for being so affected by this. As much as I want to convince myself that I don't need a guy in my life to make me happy, I can't seem to move on from what happened.
The next few days are like this. Until I get a text from Junwoo Friday afternoon.
Sohee, you forgot something
He sends a photo of my purse. I knew I lost it, I was just hoping I didn't lose it there.
He's not home now
He's implying for me to come when Taeyoung's not there. At least he pities me a bit. I set on my way to get my purse, my wallet is in there, Koko has been buying all my meals lately.
When I reach the apartment I hesitantly ring the buzzer. The door opens to Junwoo's sweet smile. He looks a bit nervous, maybe worried Taeyoung will come home.
"It's this way." He walks up the stairs and then towards the bedrooms.
"Why is it here?" Taeyoung's door is half open, my purse on the floor just beyond the doors.
What the hell? Did Taeyoung take it?
I walk in, turning to look at Junwoo and ask him this when the door is closed on my face. I hear the sound of a lock and even the dragging of a chair.
I knew that chair beside the door wasn't supposed to be there. I'm so naive.
I pound my fists on the door. "Yah! Junwoo, I'm gonna kill you!" I hear Minjun laughing behind the door. Was this his idea?
When I turn around my heart drops, Taeyoung is lying on his bed, head turned towards the wall. His hair is a light brown colour now.
What the hell am I doing here?
I panic, about to break out into sobs, and also about to rip out all of my hair. I sit down against the door, head periodically hitting back against it. I bite my lip to stop the nervous tears that threaten to fall. Minutes pass as I sit here, lightly banging my head, or my fists, against the door.
I should have listened to Koko and stayed away from these idiots.
I can feel my insides shiver and tense up in fear from being near Taeyoung. Fear because despite me hating him right now, my body can't help but be drawn towards him subconsciously.
He doesn't move. Like a statue, I can't even see Taeyoung move with his breathing.
Is he passed out? Is he okay? I start to shake my legs anxiously. Why am I worried about him? I should just check to see that he's breathing.
Eventually, I get up, cautiously walking over to the bed. My thighs hit the mattress and I do my best to lean my torso over, in order to try and get a look at his face. I put my hand out in front of his mouth. After a pause, I feel light breaths hitting my palm. I sigh, letting out the breath I was holding.
I'm about to take my hand away when his hand grabs it. My eyes open wide in fear, I don't want to see him. I don't want to hear him talk to me again.
I try to pull away, but his grip tightens. He tugs me, and I fall over, hands coming to land on either side of him. He turns his body so that he lies on his back. His eyes are now looking at my own. I'm above him, terrified.
"I—I just want my purse. I don't want to see you," I stutter, resembling the shy and nervous wreck I was during my first few encounters with him.
The voice of brutal honesty speaks up inside my mind. Then why did you get up to see him? You want to be near him.
His hands come to my elbows, pushing them so that they cave in, and I fall onto his chest. His arms come around me. "I'm sorry," I hear him say against my hair.
I've become all too aware of my breathing, too aware of my heart which beats rapidly against his torso, too aware of my red-flushed cheeks. Too aware of the fact that I still really like him. As much as my brain tries to tell me to forget him, my body reacts to him so strongly.
"I'm sorry," he says again.
When I lift my head up and look at him I realize his eyes are bloodshot, the area around his nose pink.
Has he been crying? Was it because of me?
"I was an idiot that day. I had a bad day at work and I channelled that onto you. I was an asshole. I'm sorry." His voice cracks, his eyes not able to look at my own.
A tear threatens to leave his eye, and I know he's ashamed because he's looking as far away from me as possible. I collect the tear with my thumb. He lets out a shaky breath from his pink lips, eyes finally looking at mine.
But he said he doesn't want a girlfriend, an angry voice speaks through my conscience, waking me up from this dream.
I get off of him and sit on the edge of the bed instead. I feel the bed shift as he sits up as well.
"You don't want a relationship." I pause before continuing. "And I don't think I can just be friends at this point," I say this while looking towards the closed door.
He is behind me, I can hear him breathe. After a moment I feel his legs come around to either side of me, his head landing on my shoulder, arms wrapping around my torso.
Why does he always do this? Why does he touch me, hold me in his arms, as if it's nothing to him? As if it's as easy as saying hello to each other? Can he not feel my heart beat out of my chest? Does he not feel the heat radiate off of my face?
"I thought about it," His chin moves up and down on my shoulder as he speaks, "a lot. I was scared. I am scared. I had a bad first relationship," His words sound a bit painful.
He's forcing the words out. He's opening up to me.
"I didn't want to formally date anyone after she did that to me. But you appeared."
I stare down at his large hands, which are wrapped around me.
"I want to be near you. Every second you're gone, I yearn for you to come back. And I don't know why. As much as I'm scared, as much as I try to tell myself to not let feelings grow, I can't help but search for your face wherever I go. I can't help but smile when I see your text messages. I'm constantly thinking of the night you confessed to me, the feeling of you sleeping in my arms. Sohee, my thoughts are becoming controlled by you. I'm scared. But being without you is worse than that feeling."
He finally stops. My heart is threatening to come out of my throat, my hands are as frozen as ice from my nervousness.
"I want you to be mine. My girlfriend. I'll do whatever it takes to have you by my side again."
When he says this I turn my head towards him. He lifts his chin, his nose brushing against mine now. I look at his eyes, so close to my own that they blur. My breath comes out in anxious hitches, my lips yearning for his lips to touch mine like that night.
And as if I'm dreaming, his lips touch mine. It's awkward, with my head turned to the side and his beside mine, but when his hand comes up to hold my jaw, it becomes all too easy to kiss him back.
. . .
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Love,
Sooaura