"Well, you gave it your best shot," I said. "That's all a person can do."
"Why did I agree to this," Stevie clutched her abdomen. "I'm going to be sick."
It probably wasn't theatrics this time. Stevie did look green.
"You think I feel good?" Jan looked greener than Stevie, actually. "I ironed his face onto my shirt. MY SHIRT." His shoulders slumped. "When am I ever going to wear this again?"
"So he didn't show up," Jesse shrugged, "you might see him live and-"
"I WASTED a perfectly good shirt," Jan flung his head backwards into his seat at the opposite side of our booth in the front of the Arby's. Jan's a great guy, but also a total drama queen. "I look like such an idiot."
"Well, I mean," Carla squinted, "you didn't have to add the 'Look who's insaney for John Mulaney!' all over the front."
Jesse snorted. Stevie was covering her mouth, though probably less because she was gonna giggle and more because she had to burp. I bit my cheek to keep from laughing. Things were about to take a turn, I could tell, and I didn't want to do anything to put myself in the middle of that.
"You're supposed to support me," Jan groaned at Carla. "I have dreams and ambitions too, you know."
"Jan," Carla's lips looked very small, "catching a glimpse of John Mulaney's hair through the window of an Arby's does not qualify as a dream nor an ambition."
"I love him," Jan poked his chest. "He's everything I wish I was. And I'm too poor to see his show, so what am I supposed to do?"
"Get a job and pay for tickets?" Carla set an elbow on the table, "like a normal person."
Yup. There was the turn. I tried to send Stevie a let's roll face, so she'd stand up and we could get out of our side of the booth, but she was too busy staring at the foil wrappers piled up on her tray.
"Firstly," Jan stuck up his index finger, "it's perfectly normal to stalk around places that your celebrity idols are going to be. Everybody does it. Why do you think they have social media accounts?" Before anybody could say anything, he stuck up his middle finger too. "Second, I have a job-"
"A job pays you money, Jan." Carla massaged her temples.
"I got twenty-thousand views on my last video. It's almost at the point it'll make sense to monetize and-"
"You weren't even in your last video. It wasn't even your idea!"
I noticed Jesse staring at me. He bobbled his head almost imperceptibly-slowly, and bugged his eyes like he was gonna go berserk. What can ya do? I mouthed back.
He smirked, then threw his gaze up and behind me, past the big front windows of the Arby's, beyond the brown-checkered tiles and fake plastic palm trees of the Whitegate mall, and into the independent comic book store directly across from where we sat. A store that apparently John Mulaney was expected to stop in while he was in town for his comedy tour. That is, if Jan's sources were to be believed. The Whitegate mall is basically bankrupt. Half the lots are empty, and the franchises that have kept in business are eerie in their desolation. You make your own opinions, but I don't think that Jan's sources are to be believed.
We sat there for probably close to two hours. Personally, I didn't get the point. So you get to be in the same room as a celebrity, big deal? We finished our dinners an hour and a half ago. Our cashier had started cleaning the tables. She'd been giving us filthy looks every five minutes. The only reason she couldn't kick us out is because we'd been ordering additional menu item upon menu item and making Stevie eat them all. Carla convinced her it would be the only way to "grow an ass." Steve would probably vom if something didn't happen in the next five minutes. The crazy stuff she does for love, it's adorable. Now if she'd only grow a pair and ask Jesse to homecoming. She had a chance in band this morning and TOTALLY BLEW IT.
"Hey," Jesse poked Jan in the shoulder. "I think I see him!"
"WHERE?" Jan grabbed both Jesse and Carla's arms beside him.
"There-" Jesse knelt on the seat and pointed at something. Jan and Carla both struggled to follow his finger. "Oh no," he said. "He just walked behind that cutout of Batman."
"I can't see!" Jan bounced up and down.
Now Jesse stood on the seat. The cashier cleaning the table next to us dropped her washcloth.
"Yup," Jesse nodded. "That's without a doubt John Mulaney." He crouched back down and scanned Jan and Carla's faces. "Let's go over and see if we can talk to him."
"I'm going to die," Jan's hands trembled. "Hurry. HURRY!" He shoved Carla, who scooted out of the booth. Jan and then Jesse followed her.
"Do you think he'll sign my chest?" Carla tugged southward on her shirt.
"Let's go, let's go," Jesse waved Jan and Carla in front of him and out of the Arby's. He turned to Stevie and me, just as we were starting to climb out of our side of the booth.
"Get out of here while you can," he mouthed. "Save your souls!"
Then he darted after Jan and Carla toward the comic book store.
I led Stevie down to the mall's exit and out onto the sidewalk before the parking lot.
"Aren't we going to see John Mulaney, though?" Stevie looked back through the seventies brown-tinted glass doors of the mall.
"There is no John Mulaney," I pulled out my car keys and booked it for Gus. "Jesse just did us a massive favor."
Stevie struggled to catch up with me.
"Tomorrow." I unlocked Gus's doors. "Homecoming. You're asking him."
Stevie's pallor made her hazel eyes look more green than brown.
"Oh dear," she pressed her hand to her forehead. "I'm going to hurl."
***
Here's my plan: a week from this Friday is our homecoming game. That Saturday is our homecoming dance. Tickets are currently on sale. Stevie will not spend another October alternately moping over her singleton status and talking shit about school dances in general (though, to be fair, school dances are utter shit. The music selection is always so basic). Instead, Stevie will have a date lined up. With Jesse. I will assist her in picking out the ideal dress, and then, on the magic night, I'll take a few blurry iPhone pictures, like a mom, lulz. Then, when she and the soon-to-be-boyfraaaand are off to the ball, I'll be hitching a ride to this weird Halloween party hosted by John's computer science frat at State. It's gonna double as a hackathon, and I happen to know a little Python. I can't legally partake in the festive drinking activities, but it'll be amusing to watch all the drunk coding. I figure I'll be competitive, at least when everybody else is shitfaced. Plus, I'll get to wear my pumpkin dancer costume.
Stevie, of course, needs to ask Jesse out sometime this week. I've been pestering her about it since we left the Alferd Packard Memorial Garden yesterday. She couldn't do it at band this morning, and we didn't have an opportunity at the Arby's tonight. She doesn't have much time left; those tickets could go fast. There's enough normies in our school who want to attend a homecoming dance. I got her to agree to tomorrow, Friday, after the football game. She's gonna find a private moment, corner Jesse, and just spring it on him. Of course he's gonna say yes. On her absolute worst days, Stevie's an eight on the ten point scale. She's conventionally attractive. Guys LOVE that shit. I tease her about being an uggo, but she's got enough Boston genetics from her dad to fix up her facial symmetry. Plus, Jesse is a short, pale, four-eyed dweeb. He's a big nerd, and sensitive to boot. She's out of his league. There's no way he'd turn her down. It's a win-win for everyone.
Things are gonna be great. I can just feel it.
***
A/N: Thanks for reading, voting, and commenting! Next update, which happens to be a HUGE ONE, is Friday. Also, tell me if I tricked ya with the way this one opened.