If Allah helps you, none can overcome you: If He forsakes you, who is there, after that, that can help you? in Allah, then, Let believers put their trust. (Surah Al-Imran, 160 )
Chapter Fourteen :
Nursing the pieces of my heart
"It's been a week,woman. You haven't answered my calls and my texts. This is not acceptable woman!" Naseem huffed at me. A week had passed,for me it was more than just a week. I wasn't answering anyone's messages since I broke my phone. My friends felt as if I was ignoring them but in real sense I needed time to pull myself out of the mess I had drowned in. Meera, Naseem and Iram had come home that evening. I wasn't intending to meet anyone of them but it happened that I had no alternative now. I didnt want to look victimised. I never cried in front of anyone since that would reveal my weaknesses amongst my allies.
"I think you are stronger than whatever happened. It's not that we mean to reprimand you for not receiving our calls and messages, see,its simple. That was written and destined to happen. There was no way to avert it but believe me, you might be thinking that you are all alone in this world and none is able to understand your grief. I believe that we aren't friends for nothing lady, you can count on us. We are sisters. So smile and get rid of that cloud that seems to block your happiness." Iram professed.
"Whatever misses you wasn't destined for you. Sometimes in life we give temporary people permanent places in our hearts thinking that they'll stay forever but that doesn't help them pull back. They'll go but they'll leave a bunch of memories with you. It's painful. It is so hurting to see them drift away from you but how will you learn if no temporary people come into your life? The same memories will help you grow and maybe one day they won't sting you as much as they used to. Time heals all wounds," Meera added with a smile on her lips.
My crazy gang had turned to a bunch of philosophical mates. "When did you grow so much wisdom?"I chuckled loudly.
"Time and tide waits for no man! You never know girl, I have lots of versions in me nowadays. " Naseem bragged smirking.
I never knew that my friends would comfort me up to this level. Meera had brought me a chocolate cake. She never did this but maybe it was her way of comforting me. "Always listen to the churns of your tummy Jannat," she advised feeding me a piece of the cake.
"I must say this is so delicious. Your confectionery shop should start now,and you never know this baker friend of ours will meet her Prince there and then," Iram sighed dreamily.
We all rolled our eyes at her and the next thing that happened to her was a big pillow smack on her face. This girl! When will this girl grow up!
***
So many days passed and I felt that I was missing a big part of life just by mourning over someone who wasn't even thinking about me. It was high time I met the world. In the last two weeks I never walked even a single step outside our home. I must admit my family was too supportive and they all showered me with love and care. Sarah babhi took care of all my dishes and mom, she was my advisor. Dad was mostly busy but whenever he got time he'd sit beside me and comfort me thoroughly. Kamaal and Asif weren't less either, every time we met the PlayStation would complain a lot.
I realised that when strangers leave you that's when you appreciate the perks of having a family. Being broken and craving love! That was how much hurt I was but I was living for the sake of those faces that lit whenever I smiled or did anything good.
That day I was going for grocery shopping with Sarah. We had our abayas on and our purple hijabs ready to clear the grocery store. "See those tiny tomatoes. They look like Kamaal when he is furious." Sarah laughed pointing at the tomatoes.
I laughed at her joke and walked to the inner corners of the store. We purchased all our items and luckily we even got a bonus for buying so many things. On my way to the parking lot, I spotted two aunties ogling at me. They were scrutinizing something but I am sure it was about me. One came closer and placed her hand on my shoulder. "Dhikra this is the same girl whose wedding broke the other day," she said pitying me.
I felt my nervous swelling up and my anger wasn't at bay. I was furious and this wasn't a topic of discussion especially with such nosy people. The other woman walked closer to me with disgust all over her face.
"You cannot trust these girls now. The world has given them so much freedom. You never know what she did." The other woman claimed.
"Can you please excuse us. We need to make a move."I said walking towards the car.
"Sure, you can not walk with your head held high, you must be responsible for whatever befell you. "She mocked me with sarcasm in her tone.
"I salute to the shallowness of your minds. You two are just unaware of whatever happened and you got no right to talk to get like that. What if your daughters faced the same fate as her? Would you mock her and pity her with sarcastic replies? You are just acting irresponsible and trust me, you should never mock pain that you haven't endured because the consequences won't be in your favour!" Sarah reprimanded them sternly.
She took my hand and we got into the car. She didn't let me drive that day. She was angry with whatever was claimed by those two aunties.
"They only speak rubbish." She roared kicking the accelerator. I took out a small tomato and placed it on her cheeks.
"Seems like you wanna compete with the tomato."I chuckled trying to brush away the topic. She faked laughter and rolled her eyes at me. "Just roll those eyes but when Kamaal gets hold of your wrist, those eyes will know their abode." I teased smirking.
She blushed softly looking away. Soon we reached home after a few bants and rambles from my sister in law.
***
I knew when it started it would break me. I knew that there was too much below deck not to shatter my carefully laid floor when it came up. Breaking was hard, recovery almost impossible, but of my journey I am making the best map I possibly can. Weakness comes from giving up and this time the threads of my heart are cut. It pains,it truly does to see people who mean so dear to you just move away from your life in a snap of a moment.
Love- an enormous four lettered word that can provoke joy, happiness and high expectations can really turn the tables overnight causing magnamous pain that is really hard to endure. I fell for him. Love. Such a contagious disease. The kind of emotion that I never wished for.
It carried so many tears with it and just a small smile that would erase all the grief from it. The stars are a witness to how much he made me cry with all the promises that ripped my heart silently into bits. They were promises but why did I forget that promises were just mere words that would mean nothing when he went back on his words?
He was a storm that swept all my happiness in a snap of a moment. He wasn't a man and calling him so isn't lack of manners because if he were a man he wouldn't have killed my happiness.
He was just a boy. A grown up boy who wasn't supposed to be my first love. A boy who was just completely irrelevant in my life but I gave him refuge in the corners of my heart. I gave him a home in the most fragile part of my body. My heart!!!
Remorseful. Guilty.
This is how I feel at that very moment. I wish for a Time Turner so I can go back, rectify the mistake - the worst of all I had done.
However, I can not. Impossible. I have to live with it. Remorse etched at my heart. Guilt gnawing it like a worm at the core of an apple.
Maybe some wounds take long to heal and some never heal. Moving on!!! Such an easy word. Just turning the pages of my life as if some chapters never existed. I know that is hard but clinging onto fairy tales is another problem that I don't want to have in my life anymore.
Sometimes people are truly mean. Without knowing what others are enduring they spill all the poisoned thoughts they have caged in their minds pricking the delicate tattered hearts of the others. Every person you meet on the streets has an untold tale. Every writer has a chapter that they don't usually read out loud. Not every traveller reaches his destination. It's part and parcel of life; smiling, aching, crying ,wanting and yearning. Some endure all flicks of pain. However nothing lasts for eternity. Happiness too doesn't last for what eternity spells out. All you have to do is pray the pain away because life is too short to despair. Too short to give up because of certain mishaps. Life's too short to be lifeless because no matter how much the heart is broken, it still beats an indication that there's more to life than just a mere heartache.
Goodbye to the one who ripped my heart and made it a tattered rag. Goodbye to the one I thought I'd never leave. Lemme bid you adieu for our paths can never meet. I might have met you in my journey but we got different destinations to chase. It feels as if a rusted knife is going through my heart to leave you but clinging onto what is not mine brings more pain that I cannot express anymore. Here we part ways with all that binds us:our similar characteristics,the stupid conversations and much more. I bury the box of memories deep inside my heart with an intention never to resurface them on my life again.
Though this hurts but I know one day all this shall be a story I will tell with a smile. Your big lustrous eyes had no magic in them indeed they were just filled with little white lies. Here we part ways. I hope I never see your face again. I am nursing my heart with a ray of hope that Al -mu'tii the giver will replace my loss with something better. Someone who will always love me and never deceive me. Dear God, I rest my case in your hands. You are the best disposer of issues and I hand you this heart of mine,lest you fix it.
It was so long since I vented on my diary. Maybe that was the first step of letting go of all what happened in the last month of my life. It was as if I had lightened up a burden from my weak shoulders. I really needed a push to walk away from this mess and perhaps I had taken the first step of moving on by turning the burnt pages of my life.