Hello my lovelies! Actually, this chapter should be shorter. But somehow the Changki spirit possessed me; besides, it's an apology for the little progress on the drawing. Have fun reading and a nice day <3
The moment we are born, I believe that we carry something very special inside of us.
No one really knows anything about it; children don't yet possess enough ability of speech to voice it in a way adults would understand, and even if they did, nobody would believe them. They're children after all, people with empty books no one has yet dared to set a pen onto. People believe there have to be words written on your pages by someone else, without realizing you may carry them with you but aren't able to find a pen to write them down.
But a child's pages are empty, not white or black or a shade of grey. If they look onto the world, with all its colours and seasons, they take notice of the things how they are; every piece of landscape in front of them gets burned into their conscience, like fresh paint on a canvas. There is nothing scribbled over their eyeballs with a permanent marker. Their eyes and skin are like windows.
And then, someday, it's just something they hear or see, a word or a picture or a feeling. It's words that turn to dust, like the dust you find on your bookshelves after you haven't cleaned for a while ever since your mother told you you'd have to take care of your room by yourself from now on. And somehow the dust gets stuck in your pores and on the windows and makes the sight a bit duller.
And maybe no one ever comes to clean your window. As you get older, there is more dust and dust until the world outside seems like a black and white print out of a printer that hasn't been working for quite a while. At first you may want to clean them, but just as you missed a pen, you now miss water and a towel. Then, you get used to it. Maybe the world outside isn't worth all this struggle, right?
But then someday, maybe when you're twenty or thirty or forty, there is something on your window. Perhaps it's a newspaper article, or a post-it with a strange handwriting. It's the equivalent of waking up and noticing something's different. And suddenly, there is a wind, or a bird or a human that cleans your windows; he is just suddenly there and you stare at him while trying to figure out how you were able to forget how beautiful and bright it looks outside.
I've never forgotten it, I don't think so. But not being able to clean up the mess, you get a bit numb over time. As humans like to do, adults pretend their windows are clean although they are full of dust, and their children's will soon be too, so no one bothers to pay attention to anything those without words in their books say. So they all carry on with dusty windows, and maybe they are all just too afraid to ask someone to clean them. You might never know if they take a chance to break the glass into pieces, I don't know either. But over time, as the dust is unavoidable, you will need something, someone. An event. Kind words. They can all be the stuff we need to clean our windows.
Or people. I'd like to believe that sometimes it is a person who cleans our windows, just because they want us to see. I always wanted to believe that, just as kids believe in monsters and fairies. And looking at children, who seemed to bear so much more knowledge than some adults do, I'd gotten the impression that we would all be children again if it wasn't for the dust on our windows; the dust, that may only truly be cleaned up by a person because it were humans who put it onto the fragile glass.
Somehow, I'd like to believe Kihyun is my person. The one slowly scrubbing the dust off my windows. Somehow, I'd also like to believe I am the person to clean his, without breaking them. And somehow, strangely, having someone so close to the way I look onto the world made my heart race in every possible way.
Not that it would have been something extraordinary anymore, something out of the norm. Especially since Kihyun's lips had touched mine, my heart felt like it was going to explode every second. Maybe it had already. There were pictures, fragrances and sounds all around me, and still it was like I was looking through a tunnel onto the boy in front of me instead of anything else.
In all honesty, I didn't know how we had ended up on his bed. That alone sounded so different from what was actually happening, but solely the fact Kihyun's fingertips were touching my temple as he put a strand of hair behind my ear was too much for me to comprehend. Everything was happening so quick while being in slow motion, and in my mind I was still asking myself whether I was dreaming or not. But if I was because I had forgotten to put an alarm, Wonho's kicks would've surely woken me up.
So this was reality. My lips felt numb and tingling at the same time and I couldn't help but smile, the corners of my lips curling upwards.
I like looking at you, Kihyun signed, his hands leaving my face to form the words. We were lying on the blanket, facing each other, our knees slightly touching. After having doubted for so long that these touches meant the same for him as they did for me, I couldn't get enough reassurance they did.
I felt myself blush. I knew what it was like to fall in love with someone now that I'd met him, but only thinking about the possibility of him feeling exactly the same when looking at me made the palms of my hands sweaty and my head spin. Although I had managed to get lost of most of my self-consciousness during the last few years, having someone being attracted to me was a whole new wave crashing over me.
"I really meant what I said earlier", I responded, not knowing what else to say as an answer. Having rushed through my confession in fear of not getting the words out fast enough, I felt like I needed to assure him once more. The smile that spread on his face made me laugh a little; every part of my brain was still filled with an overdose of serotonin and dopamine. I could get used to that. "I was in a rush to say it because I was ... I was afraid you'd interrupt me to tell me I was wrong and completely destroying everything."
Kihyun took his time to look at me, biting down on his lip and thinking about my words. It made me want to kiss him again. I was too shy to really iniciate anything more than what I had said in the bathroom that day, even though I knew you wouldn't understand ... His fingers tried their best to sign while being restricted by the little space between our bodies. I tried to tell you, I really did, especially after Wonho asked us for advice and we talked about the whole being bold thing. But then everything else happened and I thought maybe you've done all of this just because you're nice to everyone and not because you like me.
"I like you. A lot", I whispered. "More than anyone else."
Speaking about my feelings like this was still strange and exciting, yet every smile on Kihyun's face made me gain confidence. I felt like a giant weight had fallen of my shoulders; all the fear I had felt during the last few days that things wouldn't go back to how they had been had vanished. Actually, things would never go back to how they had been, but other than I had expected, in a positive way.
I wanted to say so much to Kihyun and yet I felt like I was mute. Even my fingers weren't under my control anymore. All the studying, all the nights and days spent over my sign language book proved themselves to be useless whenever Kihyun was looking at me like this. This ... this glance that reminded me so much of the way I was looking at him. There was no way on earth I was able to sign something when he was looking at me like this.
Instead, my fingers made their way to his jawline, gently touching the soft skin beneath my fingertips. His eyes fluttered close, and I was contemplating whether he would be okay with me kissing him or not. Just the thought made my heart beat fast and the unspoken question if I'd ever get used to it, to the possibility of kissing him now that I knew how he felt, was interrupted by his hand on my neck, softly pulling me closer as if he'd known what I was thinking about.
And then there was everything and nothing at once; my skin felt hot, and yet I couldn't help wanting to get closer to him. His lips against mine felt so new and yet so familiar, and god, how did he knew how to do this? How did I know? He was the first one to ever taste the corners of my mouth and I was ...
The sudden thought of me being the first one to see, to feel him like this, his fingertips caressing the nape of my neck, the first one to ever get so close to him, made me gasp against his lips, my breath caught somewhere in my throat. He pulled back, his eyes opening wide.
Did ... did I do something wrong?, he asked, the skin of my neck becoming colder without his touch. I'm sorry, I've never done anything like this ... with anyone else before.
I felt like my heart was going to jump out of my chest. "Don't apologize", I responded, "There's nothing to apologize for. I'm just ... I just really like you. And when you're kissing me. Even though I know nothing about kissing, so ..." I stopped for a second. "Can we continue practicing?"
It had become winter, the snow still falling outside our window, wrapping the world into a white haze. It all felt like a fairytale, something unreal and magical. In front of my own personal window through which I was looking at the world was only Kihyun, his face so blurred on my mind because of the way he was kissing me, like he wanted to clean off all the dust. It were gentle kisses, the way he moved his lips and I tried to respond. It was better than every daydream that had haunted me, not only because I knew it was real, but because every movement was unprecitable. And I loved it.
What I didn't love was the way we were interrupted by a certain person making their way into our dorm room by blatantly bursting through the door. It was me who detached my lips, solely because of the fact the loud noise of the door opening made me flinch and lose my balance on the bed. Kihyun's hand reached for me in an attempt to hold me, but my body met the floor before he could do anything about it.
I groaned, looking up through my eyelashes, and noticed Wonho standing in front of Kihyun's bed, looking at him and then back at me. If he had seen us kissing or had noticed how flushed we looked, he didn't say anything about it. At least for now. There were far more concerning topics to speak about apparently. Which one of them was -
"Changkyun, you little shit! Why did you lock me in the room with Hyungwon?"
I had known my penalty would follow soon, although I hadn't exactly thought about what that penalty might be. My decision to force them to talk to each other had been a quick one, because I doubted I would've done it if I had spent a second thought about it.
I opened my mouth to start an apology, when I noticed that, although Wonho looked like he was indeed a bit angry with me, his cheeks were flushed and his eyes sparkling. I closed my mouth again, looking at him for a second more, deciding on whether I should dare to say it or not. But if what I thought was real wasn't the case, I would be in trouble anyway, so there wasn't really anything to lose. "Let me guess: You kissed?"
Wonho, who seemed ready to let out a hate tirade on why I had betrayed him, seemed to be taken aback. I used his second of silence to stand up and sit down on the bed again, my back hurting just slightly. Kihyun, who was following the conversation between us with a smile on his lips, was leaning against the wall behind him.
"How - How dare you?", Wonho responded finally, "Do you know how awkward it would've been being locked in there with him if he wanted to, I don't know, end our friendship or something like that?"
"So he didn't." I couldn't help but grin. "Admit it, you're glad I locked you in there with him."
"Why would I?", Wonho asked and crossed his arms in front of his chest. "I've been trying to avoid him for the last week and suddenly you force us to talk to each other?"
"Did you just talk?", I asked with a smile and saw Kihyun laughing beside me. Apparently Wonho had no idea how he looked; there were no mirrors in the hallways. With disheveled hair, flushed cheeks and red lips there was no way in hell he would be able to convince me there had just been words exchanged.
He really had no idea. "W-What? Why are you asking this? This is none of your business! No matter what happened, I'm still angry with you!" He pouted. "Okay, not as angry as I would like to be, but still, angry. A bit."
"Worth it", I answered. "I bet Hyungwon won't be as angry as you. He wasn't the one constantly running away from you when in reality there wasn't anything to be afraid of, am I right?"
"I seriously don't know where you gained that confidence from all of a sudden." He shook his head. "Did Hyungwon tell you he liked me? Or did you just lock us in there with no idea? Because if that's the case I swear to god I'll--"
He was interrupted by Kihyun hitting the mattress with his fist. Confused, he stared at him, almost causing me to laugh. Kihyun's ways to get the attention from others might be a bit strange if you weren't used to them. He signed in my direction, his eyes shining brightly.
"He likes you?", I translated and raised my eyebrows in Wonho's direction. Being exposed like that, he couldn't help but blush. "Are you two matchmakers or something?"
"Oh, I wish." Maybe then, it wouldn't have taken us so long to get together. "No, I guess we're just really observant. Hyungwon didn't have to tell me with exactly these words what he felt for you for me to understand him. Additionally, even if I hadn't noticed anything, I would've done what I did just because it was time for you to talk to each other."
Wonho didn't seem to know what to respond. Finally, he shrugged, a bit reserved and reluctant. "Well, I guess he does."
I furrowed my eyebrows. "Does what?"
"Like me."
I smiled widely, looking at Kihyun out of the corner of my eye. He was responding to my glance, his eyes forming crescent moons. It made my heart flutter in every possible way. There was no way I would be able to tear my glance away from him if he was looking at me like this ...
"Okay, you two, just stop it."
We looked up in surprise, at Wonho who was eyeing us with a focused glance, pressing his lips together and then reaching out with one arm. "Give me your keys", he ordered, apparently trying to look scary in the way he stared at us. I had to laugh. "Why would I?"
"I'm going to lock you in -- Oh." He stopped in the middle of his sentence. "Right, you're not even trying to avoid each other anymore, aren't you." Another few seconds of silence and stares. Until he finally noticed. "Wait. Oh my dear god, wait, if you're not running away anymore and you two are sitting here and -
Wait, did Changkyun fall out off the bed when I opened the door?!"
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Kihyun and me hadn't talked about whether we wanted to hold our newly founded relationship secret for the time being, but whatever result our conversation may have had, there was no way it would've worked. While Wonho seemed to be in deep thought the whole way to the cafeteria and until we had finally reached our table, the second he saw Jooheon sitting there, all hell seemed to break loose. Literally.
While Jooheon had spent the last few evenings with Seoyeon somewhere in the city, probably because it was too awkward eating with six boys that were trying to ignore each other, today he seemed to be ready to face us. Maybe Seoyeon didn't have time, or maybe he felt bad and just wanted to make sure our friendship wouldn't break apart totally. Well, he wouldn't have to worry about that for now.
Hyungwon was sitting on the opposite side of the table, happily eating his noodles, Jooheon eyeing him with a suspicious glance. Probably he was looking too happy in his opinion, compared to the face he had made the last few days. Only when we reached the table and Jooheon looked up to see Wonho standing in front of him, it seemed to make sense to him.
He looked at Wonho for a second, his eyes widening, before he turned his head and looked at Hyungwon. "You ...?", he began, still hectically looking at one and then the other, "Wait. Hyungwon? Wonho? In the same room? What is happening?"
"Jooheon!", Wonho exclaimed, making Jooheon flinch, "Jooheon. They're a couple."
"Wait, what?", Jooheon asked. The poor boy. "What is going on? A couple? Who? You two?"
Wonho looked at Hyungwon with a quick glance, shaking his head. "No, I mean -"
"Yes", Hyungwon responded, slurping his noodles in a relaxed manner. "What are you saying? We're a couple."
"Guys!", Jooheon screamed, making everyone in the cafeteria look at us for a second before they concentrated on their own conversations again. "Wonho, stop. Hyungwon, what did you just say?"
They're a couple, Kihyun signed and Jooheon pressed his palms against his eyes, groaning in despair. "And now he's signing, goddammit, I don't understand a word of what anyone of you is trying to say!"
I had to laugh; Jooheon was still concentrated on Hyungwon who just continued to eat without any sign of hurry. He looked like he was about to become crazy. With another sigh, he finally turned to me, a pleading look in his eyes. "Changkyun, would you have enough pity for me to explain to me what the hell is going on?"
Wonho and me went to get food for everyone, and when we came back Kihyun was tapping against the surface of the table with his fingertips, eager to say something but unable to do so without me. Probably he had forgotten his phone in his room. When we finally sat down, placing a bowl of food in front of everybody, he quickly signed: Do you want to tell them?
I had already laid down my chopsticks in order to answer him without everyone becoming a witness of our conversation, when Wonho interrupted my intentions.
"They're a couple", he repeated his words and quickly added, before Jooheon would be able to scold him: "These two. Changkyun and Kihyun. We need a shipping name. Quickly. Text Seoyeon."
Jooheon's eyes grew wide. He turned around to look at us, his mouth open. "You ...?", he asked, pointing at Kihyun and then at me with a raised eyebrow. There was a second of silence until he exclaimed: "Knew it!"
"Wait, you knew it, too?", Wonho asked confused. "I thought I was the only one who noticed it."
"Me too", Hyungwon interrupted him. "I'm sorry", he said in our direction, "but you two were so obvious. I've already thought about betting on when you'd finally get together."
I could see Kihyun blush and felt my cheeks becoming hot, too. Keeping your feelings secret, yeah, sure, Changkyun. It had worked great. Probably Kihyun had interpreted my actions that were so obvious to others the same way I had interpreted his - with a lot of fear and unsureness.
"Okay, so you're a couple, finally", Jooheon sighed, laying a hand against his chest. "One less problem to worry about. And now on to you two - you talked to each other? Seriously?"
Wonho threw a glance at me. "Not really out of free will, though."
Hyungwon rolled his eyes. "You better thank Changkyun", he commented, "If it weren't for him, you would've ran away once more. If I didn't like you so much, I would slap you for your stupid stubbornness."
Wonho sighed, looking at me like he wanted to say something, but he was interrupted by Jooheon. Without any of us noticing, he had taken out his phone, dialed Seoyeon's number and was now excitedly talking to her.
"Baby, they're together!", he almost screamed, making Kihyun flinch. "Both of them! ... No, I don't know about Hyunhyuk or Minwoo or whatever, I mean Hyungwonho and ... wait a second."
He detached the phone from his ear, leaning closer towards us. Wonho was looking at him like he had just seen a monster. "Wha-- you already have shipping names for us?!"
"Sshh", Jooheon made Wonho stop talking and looked at Kihyun and me. "Changki or Kikyun?"
I didn't know where Minhyuk and Hyunwoo were this evening, but I somehow envied them; they didn't have to witness the drama or rather comedy taking place at our table. Every single attempt of mine to eat was interrupted by Jooheon saying something about Kihyun and me to Seoyeon onto the phone, or Wonho making a comment about us. I didn't know when exactly we had become the target of our friends' observations, but it made me switch from blushing to laughing and back.
Kihyun gently held my hand beneath the table, something the others thankfully didn't notice or else they would've probably fainted right then and there. He seemed glad not to be able to directly answer the questions Jooheon threw at him, and I responded with a smile and tried to transfer the topic to something else. While I was a bit embarrassed telling everything about my newly awakened love life, furiously blushing when Jooheon recounted the story of how I had picked Kihyun up at the fountain earlier today, Hyungwon seemed to have no problems narrating everything that had happened between him and Wonho in detail, until the latter finally managed to shut him up by stuffing food into his mouth.
Hyungwon seemed to be glad I had actually forced them to talk to each other, and by now I was sure Wonho wasn't the slightest bit as angry as he pretended to be. They couldn't really complain about it - we were sitting at a table together, eating and chatting, and had finally overcome the emotional barriers between us. Still, I had the impression they had helped me rather than the other way around. One has to talk about their feelings.
But I only really noticed how different the things were in comparison to the last few miserable days, when Kihyun and me were already back in our room, the silence missing Jooheon's comments and Wonho's little shrieks unfamiliar in our ears. I had the feeling him and Seoyeon would be talking about us for the rest of the night. And although it was a bit creepy, I found it adorable. What Hyungwon and Wonho were up to - I didn't even want to know. And Minhyuk and Hyunwoo? I could just pray everything was okay for them, too; I had a good feeling, even though I hadn't seen either of them ever since I had talked to Minhyuk.
But the space in my mind and conscience seemed too little to spend any more thoughts about someone else than the boy I was sharing my room with. I had expected it to feel strange to live together like this as something more than friends, but only when he stood next to me in the bathroom, brushing his teeth and smiling at me through the mirror, my heart beating in my chest, I noticed this was the best thing that could've ever happened to me. Nothing was strange. This was exactly how it should be.
I lied down in my bed, looking at my phone to check if someone had texted me, but my notifications were as empty as my mind. I had expected Kihyun to get changed in the bathroom as he did everyday, and suddenly felt as if I was glued onto the blanket when he actually started to undress in front of the closet. All I could think about was the ways the moonlight had shone on his skin, and how beautiful he had looked and did now. He wasn't facing me, my glance gliding over the already healing wounds on his back, caught on the little scars on his hips before he put on his pajamas.
I swallowed, feeling bad for looking at him before noticing I was allowed to, now. He turned around, a soft smile on his lips, running his fingers through his hair before lowering his glance onto the floor. I tried to break the silence by asking: "Are your wounds already better?"
He nodded, fumbling with the hem of his tshirt like he always did when he was unsure what to say. He sat down on his bed, finally signing: Do you mind if I tell you about my scars another time?
I furrowed my eyebrows. "You don't have to tell me at all if you don't want to. It won't change the way I see you."
He looked as me as if he was trying not to cry. I want to, he signed, someday. His fingers were trembling just the slightest bit as he smiled, folding back his blanket to lie down. My lights were already turned off, and when he switched his own off, he was still looking at me, his head not yet lying on the pillow.
A few seconds passed in the dark, the light of the street lamps falling through the window only interrupted by the snowflakes passing by. In the moment I sat up to stand up and lie down in his bed instead of mine, he did the same, his body shifting and looking at me like he was waiting for me to say something.
"Come here", I whispered, noticing his little smile as he quickly stood up and instead lied down in my bed. I spread the blanket over him, turning around to face him. I hadn't even known how much I had missed his warmth in my bed until now. Cautiously, gently, as if he was afraid of the answer, he signed: How do you see me?
My voice was just a faint whisper in the air. "Through clear windows. And ... I love everything I see." I smiled. "You know, when you said I smelled like cinnamon I thought I would die. Has anyone ever told you you smell like fabric softener? I always asked myself if it was normal to notice something like this about a friend. I guess not."
He smiled, his hand coming up from beneath the blanket to run his fingers through my hair. Every contact between my skin and his made me lose my breath. "When we were in the hotel", I whispered, "I was afraid you'd notice how close I had come to you during the night." His fingers travelled down my neck. "Can we ... can we be so close tonight? Without feeling bad about it?"
He nodded, his fingers quickly leaving my skin to sign. How are your wounds? Your lips? Before I even had the chance to answer, his fingertips were already touching the corner of my mouth that had hurt a few days ago, the blood and scab already vanished, instead a new, unnoticeable layer of skin at their place. I wanted to answer, I really wanted; but every fiber of my body, from head to toe, was hurting in a delicate pain, aching to get closer to him.
He kissed me softly, his lips moving against mine ever so gently, my hand beneath the blanket on his back holding him close. I felt like I was about to shatter into a million sparkling pieces that would float in the air like confetti; everything was so new and still so familiar, his taste, the fabric of his shirt, the softness of his hair, the warmth of his breath.
"We should sleep", I whispered, smiling against his lips. He nodded. We should probably sleep. He looked at me.
I kissed him again. There was no way I could sleep with him looking at me like this. Somehow I got the impression I wouldn't be able to do anything with him looking at me like this. Like he always seemed to do. Even when he had already placed his head on my shoulder, one arm around my waist as if to hold me close for the rest of the night, I could only look at him in the dark and wonder how to survive.
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There are so many feelings in the world, so many emotions and moods. We as humans, as creatures who invented names for the little nerve impulses in our brain, think we can count them. We might want to make a list, write down sadness and anger and sorrow, and then happiness and joy and love. Until we notice there is no way to make a list, because the number of feelings a human can experience is endless. It's as infinite as the possibilities of futures ahead of us.
No one ever feels the same. No matter how well you might try to describe your feelings to someone, they will never be able to experience them just like you do. Some people might think it's a bad thing, a thing that makes us feel more alone, because there is no way you can describe your feelings to someone - there are endless nuances they depend on.
But for me, it was a reassuring thing. There were so many tastes I hadn't tasted, so many fragrances I hadn't smelt, so many things I hadn't seen and so many voices I hadn't heard. There were so many feelings I hadn't felt and that I had never even had the intention to feel. Maybe because I had never thought about them.
Kihyun made me want to feel things I'd never felt before. And while it was scary, I'll admit it, it scared me to my bone, every little thing he did to me he probably didn't even know about, it also made me feel more alive than I'd ever felt before.
There was this little pulling in my chest, like someone had wrapped a thread around my heart and was pulling on it when I woke up and noticed for the first time Kihyun hadn't stood up before me, but was instead still pressed to the side of my body like he had been searching for a source of warmth during the night; but I knew better. I looked at him, sleeping, and wondered how many things there were in life that we thought we couldn't live without just because we hadn't yet experienced a reality without them.
Flop.
I turned around, looking at Kihyun who was staring at the floor with a surprised expression on his face. In his hands, he was carrying several boxes of chocolate icecream, struggling to hold them all in place. One had fallen down at the attempt to tap me on the shoulder. I bent down and picked it up, placing it in the shopping basket and helping him to get the rest in there, too.
"Do you think we should buy cup ramen for Wonho?", I asked him as we were walking through the rows of shelves, throwing on or two things in the basket from time to time. "I don't think he's angry at me anymore, but I still feel like I should get him some."
Instead of an answer Kihyun took one of the cups out of the shelf and put it in the basket. I turned around and smiled at him. Him smiling back almost made me want to let everything I was holding in my hands fall down to reach for his face and kiss him. 23 hours, I thought, biting on my lip to suppress the urge. You thought you were screwed before. This is a whole new level of being screwed.
Not that I was counting the hours between our first kiss and now.
Even Kihyun's hand around mine when we left the convenience store to walk back to the dorms made we want to scream out the top of my lungs. Some incoherent words would surely pass my lips if I tried. On days like today Kihyun was certainly the more talkactive part in our conversations, doing his best to sign with one hand so he wouldn't have to let go of mine.
Did you hear something about them?, he asked, the context telling me it had to be about Hyunwoo and Minhyuk. We hadn't talked about the others specifially, but I guessed Kihyun knew what was going on between those two without me having to explain it to him. He had been the first one to notice the feelings between Seoyeon and Jooheon after all. No matter how many times Wonho would try to convince us he was the most observant and sensitive one for things like this, Kihyun would always stay number one, at least in my mind.
I tried to ignore the sad thought of him only having so much time to look after others because he didn't exactly speak much whenever we weren't alone; he thought it would be rude to constantly sign when only I would understand.
"Not really", I responded, letting the plastic bag swing back and forth next to my body. "I talked to Minhyuk yesterday and tried to convince him to say something to Hyunwoo. Since then, I haven't seen either of them. And I guess I won't until Monday."
Kihyun just nodded. Normally, the cafeteria was open on weekends, meaning we would meet up there even if we didn't have time to hang out the rest of the day because of our workloads. But this week, one of the cooks had caught a flue and the cafeteria had to close, which meant I'd probably get the earliest insight of what was going on on Monday at school. Kihyun and me had already agreed on studying today and tomorrow, and additionally, I had the feeling of having interfered with other people's relationships enough for now. They needed to figure the rest out by themselves - just as I needed to figure out how I would be able to concentrate on my notes as soon as we would be home, with Kihyun sitting next to me, chewing on his pencil.
It was almost a blessing when he left to look into the mail, leaving me alone for five minutes so I could finish my exercises. If he had been a distraction to daily chores before, now his sole presence made my heart race. I had thought actually being together with him would make some things a bit less confusing and exciting, but the opposite was the case - the thought of being able to kiss him made me bite on my lip until I tasted blood. I'm way too eager and there are still 13 pages to memorize.
When he came back, accompanied by a cold wave of air from the hallway, he formed to Vs with his hands and let the middle finger of his right hand touch the index finger of his left two times. Aunt.
I didn't know why, but the fact it wasn't a letter from his father made me relax a little. I had no idea about his parents, but considering he never opened his letters as soon as he received them and didn't want to talk about them either left me with a bitter taste in my mouth. His aunt instead, that I had already had the pleasure to meet, someone I knew cared a lot about Kihyun was a different story. It made me feel warm inside to see his smile as he opened her letter.
I wanted to continue studying while he was reading, but just couldn't tear my eyes away from him. His glance was gliding over the paper in his hands. I was tapping the end of my pencil against my knee, biting on my lip once more.
What is she saying?, I signed when he looked up, a smile decorating his face. He laid the letter down next to him. She wants us to come visit her for Christmas in a few weeks.
"Us?", I asked out of surprise before my fingers could react. "Why ... me?"
Kihyun smiled, looking a bit embarrassed as he was tilting his head. She ... thought you were my boyfriend. And so I told her you weren't. Still, I couldn't keep my feelings secret so her new goal is to get us together.
I laughed, almost letting my pencil fall on the floor. "I guess she'll be pretty surprised to see we're already a couple." The word still sounded strange on my tongue. Kihyun looked at me like he was waiting for me to say something else, and before I could prevent it I spilled out: "Actually, I almost kissed you when we were there."
At first there was no obvious change in his expression, but then, his eyes grew wide, his movements fast. What? When?
I awkwardly scratched my neck. Two weeks ago, I wouldn't have dared to even think about telling him this, yet now I felt like I needed to show him my feelings had been there for a long time. "When ... when we were sitting in front of the fireplace. You feel asleep and I ... well."
Kihyun's eyes were locked with mine, making it impossible to divert my glance onto anything else. When he finally raised his hands to say something, his movements were slow. I thought it was a dream, he signed, because I dreamt you almost kissed me. I was sure it was a dream.
I felt a knot in chest. How things would've gone differently if he had opened his eyes or if I had crossed the distance between us; I could only wonder. There was no point in asking such questions, and there wasn't anything to regret as Kihyun was sitting in front of me in this very moment, but it still made me shiver.
"I still think all of this is a dream", I whispered and looked at him as he stood up, coming closer so I had to look up at him.
He was smiling. You know, I'd really like to kiss you right now, but I know you have to memorize 15 pages of Korean literature -
"Hey, hey, hey", I interrupted him, "13 pages, not 15. Also, I've passed the Chemistry test, and that's my worst subject, so there's nothing to worry about."
You passed Chemistry?, he asked, making me realize I hadn't even had the chance to tell him yet since I had only found out I hadn't failed right before our encounter with Doyoung. I couldn't help but smile when I saw the somewhat proud expression on his face. It may sound mean, but I'm actually glad you thought you'd fail at first. Otherwise I wouldn't have gotten the chance to buy you chocolate icecream.
"Me too", I responded, my voice quieter than I intended it to be. "That was ... actually the moment I fell in love with you. I think. Or at least noticed it."
Only after I had spoken these words I noticed their full meaning. Feeling myself blush furiously, I quickly turned around, trying to focus on my books. But Kihyun's hand reached out for mine and stopped me in my actions. He was smiling brightly, although there seemed to be something else in his glance.
He leaned down and I thought he would kiss me, but his lips met my cheek. Somehow, this touch made me more flustered than a kiss on the lips could've. I tried to turn around and continue studying as he backed off, but actually followed him with my glance. When he noticed I was still looking at him, he laughed, signing:
Actually I like you a lot more than chocolate icecream, Changkyun.
It was the first time he was using my sign for light while talking to me now that I understood it, and I forced myself to turn around, this time for sure. Air had apparently really been the most fitting sign for him, I remarked - I felt like I could drown in him without actually losing my breath.
------------------------------------------------------------
The weekend passed faster than I would've liked for it to pass. While every second I had to sit at my desk, head buried in several books and folders, seemed to take an eternity to pass, every second of free time I was spending with Kihyun felt like someone had skipped an hour on the clock before I could even say a word.
And I said a lot. As shy as I had been on Friday and Saturday, the more comfortable I became on Sunday. Maybe it was because I woke up with Kihyun's face half hidden behind a pillow, the icy sunlight shining on his hair, his body cuddled up next to mine like he was hugging me in his sleep. I had to smile so hard I feared I wouldn't be able to ever change my facial expression again.
We spent the day in bed, switching between his and mine, actually trying to focus on our studies. I swear I tried to at least, although Kihyun was constantly distracting me, even though he wasn't moving anything else but his eyes, reading in his textbook. When he noticed I was staring at him rather than at my books, he jokingly hit my arm with his book, pressing a kiss on my head before I could react and laughing when he saw my red cheeks.
Finally, we gave up on just studying and made a deal to talk and cuddle ten minutes for every chapter we'd finish. Somehow, without either of us noticing, ten minutes always became fifteen and then twenty. We'd lie down next to each other and I would tell him a story, about anything, something about when I had been younger or something I had read or seen lately. When it was his turn to sign, we sat up, leaning against the wall with our knees touching, and he drew poetry into the air.
"When I was a child, there was this big playground on the other side of the street", I told him, gently running my fingers through his hair. His head was laying on my chest, his feet propped up on the wall. "And there was this big slide that was so incredibly high I never dared to set a foot on the ladder. I had a really bad fear of heights when I was younger, it's better by now but ... let's just say I don't like heights this much." I laughed, and Kihyun turned his head to smile at me, making me feel dizzy. "And basically, a week or so before the day it happened, my mom and me went shopping and I saw this chocolate icecream and I swear, I would've given anything to eat it. But my mom didn't buy it because she said it was unhealthy, and told me I should buy it with my pocket money if I really wanted it this badly."
His hair was like silk. "As a six or seven year old, you don't really get much money, especially since my mom didn't have a well-paid job. So I would have had to spent my allowance for three months for that icecream. I felt really bad about it, although I wanted it so badly. So I told myself I'd only buy it if I overcame my fear and climbed up the ladder of the slide. But the day I decided to do it, I woke up to a big construction side where the playground had once been."
Kihyun put on a sad face, making me laugh. "I warn you", I said grinning, "after this story you might want to reconsider talking to me." He quickly shook his head. I smiled.
"So, the playground was gone and I still wanted chocolate icecream. Because I was so frustrated I wouldn't get to buy it now that the slide wasn't there anymore - as a child I took promises very seriously and I had promised me to overcome my fear which meant I had to do it - so I needed to find another possibility." I had to laugh. "And well, what should I say, our apartment was in the first floor and we had a balcony ..."
Kihyun opened his mouth as if to say something, lifting his head off my chest and staring at me incredulously. His expression made me laugh even harder. "I was a dumb kid, okay?", I chuckled. "Basically I ended up with a sprained ankle and some wounds on my knees in the hospital. But hey, there was also a good part about it: My mom bought me chocolate icecream afterwards. Maybe she was afraid I'd jump off the roof the next time."
Kihyun had to smile, although he was trying so hard to look serious. Promise me, he signed, pouting, that you'll never ever again jump off a balcony for chocolate icecream. Just tell me and I'll get you some, okay?
He linked my pinky with his and tilted his head, looking at me through some strands of his bangs.
"Okay", I whispered, my voice trembling. "Promise."
We didn't really get much studying done that day, at least until Kihyun had to go to the city to buy some book for English class. I made use of the hour without him and finally managed to get some things memorized. When he came back, we ate kimbap while sitting on the floor and asking each other questions for the exams.
The whole day seemed like a dream that would've maybe ended with me falling asleep, but sadly it was interrupted sooner. I was packing my books into my bag, praying to some godly creature and my destiny to support me tomorrow and the rest of the week, when Kihyun laid his hands on my shoulders, his fingertips touching my collarbones. I shivered slightly, turning around to look at him.
He had furrowed his eyebrows, biting on his lip while thinking about something. Only when he moved his hands I got an insight to his thoughts. What are we going to do about it tomorrow? The boy in the bathroom?
It took me a second to notice he was talking about Doyoung as we didn't have a sign for his name and would hopefully never have. With all that had happened last week and especially the last few days, my brain had put Doyoung somewhere far, far away from my conscience. Maybe it had also been me who had actively put him back there, as to ignore the pain in my stomach that appeared whenever I thought about someone hurting Kihyun, and the desire, or more the urge to get my revenge someday.
I wanted to respond, but Kihyun continued signing before I was able to.
I don't care about the others, he said slowly. Not as much as about you. I just didn't want to let you know all this time what I wrote down back then because I was afraid, even though it were just a few sentences I needed to get out of my head. But I'd never allow you to be suspended just to make sure something like this stays secret. I don't care if everyone knows I'm in love with you.
My heart seemed to stop for a second. I felt the blood rushing in my ears, my hands gripping the book on my lap firmer. "Kihyun, I swear, if you continue saying things like this, my life span will shorten to a few weeks -"
He laughed without sound. I'm just being honest. So ... what do you say? About just doing nothing about this and letting Doyoung have his victory if he needs to?
I thought about it for a second. "No", I then said, making him look up in surprise. I smiled. "I have a way better idea."
Sunday evening passed with a lot of cuddling and kdramas, and when Monday came, the world outside still a haze of snowflakes and sunshine that was melting them as if just to make space for new ones to fall onto earth, there were five things that burned themselves into my memory like hot pieces of metal.
The first one was the teddybear that was sitting on my desk when I came out of the bathroom in the morning. Kihyun had had to leave earlier for class than me, and although he had done his best not to wake me up, my hand had reached out for him as if it had its own will as soon as his warmth beside me had disappeared. Sleepily opening my eyes, my glance had met his, looking at me with a grin as if there were galaxies in my eyes. There wasn't anything else I could remember, as I'd fallen back asleep only seconds later, but the memory alone was motivation enough to get up half an hour later.
Although my general motivation for the day was pretty low - not to mention my excitement for the exam in the afternoon. But the little teddybear already took some of the weight of my shoulders. It was the one I had bought as a birthday present for Kihyun, and there was a little note attached to his head:
Have I even said thank you yet? Thank you Changkyunnie ~ good luck for the Korean test <3
An hour later, the second memory, I was leaving the office of the principal just as the school bell rang. The sleeves of my shirt were still slightly damp as I had been sweating buckets and tried to dry my palms with the fabric; I had never before talked to the principal, and honestly I hadn't expected my first time to actually do so would be because of something like this. But there was no way I would allow Doyoung to just get away with everything he had done to Kihyun. They'd have to drag my cold corpse into the sea for that.
Just as I was getting my books out of my locker, an announcement could be heard, making everyone raise their heads in surprise. Not only Doyoung, but also Chul, Jaejin and Kiwoo were called to come to the principal; it was hard for me to suppress my smile as I put the books in my bag.
Kihyun was too kind for his own good. I would've liked to grant him his wish to just forget the whole thing, but I was sure Doyoung wouldn't forget it. And there was no way I would be able to continue living knowing that I had missed the chance to show him he wasn't the only one able to turn his threat into reality.
I still made me sad to even think about all the weeks Kihyun had probably spent his afternoons with Doyoung somewhere up against a wall - not just sad, but also incredibly angry -, just because he had been afraid Doyoung would spill out his secret of him liking me. It made me regret not having told him about my own emotions earlier, before everything had had the chance to turn into this drama. But I couldn't erase my past mistakes. As long as Kihyun said he was okay with everyone knowing about us, considering Doyoung surely wouldn't forget what he had threatened to do if I went to the principal, I was okay with it.
Still, I felt slightly anxious. From what the principal had told me, they would all surely get suspended, at the latest when he would interview Kihyun about it; but I feared Doyoung's reaction and if Kihyun would really be okay. When I had first met him, he had been incredibly shy, and had only opened up to me and the others after we had gotten to know each other better. However, he still wasn't someone who would like to draw attention.
Absorbed in my thoughts, I almost flinched when I felt a hand on my shoulder. I turned around, relieved to see Jooheon and Hyunwoo behind me. While Jooheon looked like he had just seen a ghost, Hyunwoo was smiling, making a giant weight leave my chest. He looked a hundred times better than last week when he still hadn't been talking to Minhyuk ... well, I guessed he was talking to him again by now. But before I even got the chance to ask, Jooheon asked: "Did you hear that?"
"What?", I asked, although I could already imagine what he was talking about. He excitedly moves his hands in front of his body. "The announcement! Doyoung!"
"Oh, that", I responded, trying to hide a smile. I hadn't specifically talked to Kihyun about this, about whether it was okay to talk to the others about that or not. But even if I had wanted to say something, I was once again interrupted - this time by a certain blond haired boy running towards Hyunwoo who was calmly searching for something in his locker. He didn't saw it coming, and neither did we. With a few steps and in just a second, Minhyuk had already hugged him from behind, laying his head on Hyunwoo's shoulder and asking: "Can we eat lunch together today?"
I had to grin. "Okay, nevermind, no more reason to ask Hyunwoo how you're doing", I commented, making Minhyuk turn his head around. He only now seemed to notice Hyunwoo wasn't alone and immediately blushed a deep shade of red.
"They're worse than you and Kihyun", Jooheon added, "The whole day yesterday they were cuddling and I had to study. I was close to killing someone."
"Pah, you and Seoyeon are the worst", Minhyuk responded, transfering his glance onto me, a smile appearing on his lips. "Jooheon told me you and Kihyun are together now?"
Now it was my turn to blush. "Why are all of you even talking about us?"
Minhyuk sighed in relief. "Oh god, finally. I thought you'd never confess."
Hyunwoo was following our conversation with a grin on his lips, before he turned around, taking Minhyuk's hands off his waist. "Of course we can eat lunch together, but the cafeteria is closed." They went on talking about their plans for the lunch break. Jooheon's only reaction was his eye rolling towards the two of them, making me chuckle a little bit. I thought they were cute, especially after having avoided talking to each other it was nice seeing them together again.
When Hyunwoo interrupted their conversation to ask Jooheon something about a subject from last year, Minhyuk took the chance and leaned against the locker next to me. He was smiling, the dark circles beneath his eyes had vanished and he didn't seem to be so pale anymore.
"Thank you", he said, a bit more quiet so the others wouldn't hear him. "I mean, for all of your advice. Especially for what you said to me on Friday. It kind of helped me gain the courage I needed to finally talk to him."
I shook my head. "You don't have to thank me. Giving you advice was like talking to myself, in some way." It was the truth - I didn't know how things would've gone if I hadn't talked to Hyungwon and Minhyuk, but they surely wouldn't be the same right now. "I'm glad everything is okay again between you two. You don't have to tell me all the details, I bet Jooheon already asked you about them. He's a fanboy for the first hour, and then he gets annoyed by all that couple-stuff."
"It was rather Seoyeon who asked us", Minhyuk responded, his eyes focused on Hyunwoo. "Can you believe he called her as soon as we told him?"
I snorted. "Yeah. Somehow, I can believe that."
In the end, Minhyuk actually told me some of the details with a wide grin on his face, how he had finally gathered the courage to talk to Hyunwoo after he had kicked Jooheon out of their shared room and how he had confessed. Hyunwoo threw glances out of the corner of his eyes at him. Perhaps he could guess what Minhyuk was telling me so excitedly about.
We went our separate ways as classes were starting, and I had to face my Korean exam. I actually managed not to think about Kihyun for half an hour, what may or may not have been because of the way too many exercises we should complete in these thirty minutes, so there wasn't really any room to think at all. If anyone would've asked me before that day what the third memory would be, I'd have said my exam. But it wasn't - it all went rather smoothly until it was finished.
After that we had a small break of ten minutes, and while I was walking through the hallways, on my way to the bathroom, I suddenly heard a crack, like a technical difficulty that had something to do with the speakers on the walls. And I swear, I had no idea how he managed to get a hold of the microphone for the announcements that was somewhere in the secretaries' office, but I somehow knew it was him before he had even raised his voice.
"Oh my dear students and teachers", Doyoung's voice suddenly echoed in the hallways, everyone around me becoming quiet as to listen to what he was saying. Except I didn't need to listen; I knew exactly what he would say. And although I had known Doyoung would somehow make his threat a reality, a shiver ran down my spine. Somehow I wished Kihyun would've been next to me in this moment.
"I bet all you know there is a very special student at our fantastic school, someone very special, so special he thinks he doesn't even have to talk to anyone ..."
I had the urge to murder Doyoung, to drown him in a sea or push him down a staircase, to just do something to make him shut up. The secretaries' office was on the second floor. I was on the first ---
"But there is something even more special about this boy, Yoo Kihyun, one of the seniors, to be more exact ... that most of you might not even know."
I turned around and walked towards the staircase. Kihyun had said he didn't care if everyone knew and I believed him, yet I still just wanted to make Doyoung shut up. Preferably forever.
"Oh, I can easily tell you what that special thing is ..." I could hear the grin in Doyoung's voice. "Yoo Kihyun, ladies and gentleman, likes boys." He laughed, his voice echoeing everywhere. "And even more importantly, he likes ..."
And then, just as I thought he would say my name, I heard another crack instead of his voice, and another, then scraps of voices, and then - silence. Apparently someone had stopped him.
I was standing on top of the stairs, looking at everyone around me who had started talking again after a second of shock, some of them laughing, some with wide eyes and the parts of sentences I could understand made my stomach turn around.
But then, all of a sudden, something else happened - and Doyoung's voice wasn't the third thing burned into my memory that day. It was a hand on my shoulder, a gentle pull that made me turn around, and then, so suddenly and unexpected I almost fell over, lips on mine.
The voices of everyone else fell silent as I stared at Kihyun who had his eyes closed and took a step back after a few seconds, leaving me standing in the middle of the hallway with blushed cheeks and breath caught in my throat.
There aren't many things you remember about a person's face if they aren't in front of you. When you try to recall their face in your mind without seeing them, it's hard to have a clear image. Still, I bet I'd be able to remember every single pore on Kihyun's face as he smiled.
I didn't know if everyone around us was just too shocked to say something, but they kept quiet until we were gone, disappearing in the first empty classroom we could find. Kihyun was still smiling, his hand in mine shivering a bit.
"Why did you do this?", I asked, out of breath from the running.
He signed his words with a lot of care. Because I don't need Doyoung to say it. I want you to know I'm proud to like you. However I managed to deserve you.
The next time I saw Kihyun was actually in sign language class. Apparently the message of him kissing me in the hallways had already made it's way through the school, because everyone turned around to look at me when I entered the classroom. As long as no one way saying anything to Kihyun, I didn't care what they thought about us. I hadn't been able to think about anything else but him since the incident with Doyoung.
When school finally ended and we went home, I was nonetheless relieved to leave the masses of people and voices behind me. Maybe I had become so used to Kihyun's silence that everyone else seemed to be too loud.
I chatted a bit with Mrs Kim at the reception desk, asked her about her holidays and told her about my exams. She was young enough to still remember the stress of semester finals, other than some of our teachers who gave us extra homework when they knew we had tests. Her smile seemed apologetic, even more when she told my mom had called earlier today.
Actually I had wanted to call her since I'd told Kihyun the story about me, her and the chocolate icecream yesterday. But as always, there seemed to be something holding me back. Kihyun had noticed it, I could tell by the way he looked at me as Mrs Kim said this; but just as I didn't know what was going on with his parents, he didn't know anything about mine. Maybe it was just a topic too sensitive to talk about.
He went into the bathroom when I sat down on the bed to call her, as if he wanted to give me some space. I didn't know what to say to her, but the decision was made for me when she picked up.
"Changkyun", she said on the other end of the line. I couldn't help but notice how softly she was pronouncing my name; I had missed her voice, I had missed a lot of things about her.
"Hey, mom", I responded. There was a bit of silence, until she asked: "How are you?"
"I'm good." I didn't even think about my answer. I should've been able to tell my own mother something more than just 'good', but words with more significance had somehow gotten lost between us over the last few years. "How are you?"
"I'm fine." Somehow she reminded me so much of me. "Are you going to come home for Christmas?"
This question actually surprised me for a second. The last two years, we had just had that silent agreement that nobody would ask the other one about Christmas holidays. I wanted to feel good about her question, and I did, but it also made me anxious.
"I ... I don't know", I responded. My fingers were fumbling with the sheets on my bed. "I ... actually, Kihyun's aunt invited us to spend Christmas with her. I don't know yet." I swallowed down my fear. "Maybe I'm coming home."
"Kihyun?", she asked. There wasn't any change in her voice, but for me, it felt different. It was like the air around me got colder.
If I had been seven years old again, I would've maybe tried to overcome my fear by telling myself I'd eat an extra bowl of icecream if I managed to do so. But I wasn't seven, I was seventeen and not a child anymore. There was no reward for being honest, and there shouldn't be one.
"He's my boyfriend", I whispered into the phone, the words still unfamiliar on my tongue but so right.
Another silence. Fear started to rise in my body. It was the fifth memory I wouldn't forget of that day and it wasn't a pleasant one. When my mother started talking again, I almost felt as if there was pity in her voice.
"Oh, Changkyun, no ...", she responded, and I could hear her breath, "He's just going to hurt you ..."
"Mom, stop!" My voice was louder than I had intended it to be. "Stop it. Please. Not everyone is dad." I felt my body starting to shiver.
"Changkyun, don't you understand?", she asked, her voice becoming louder as well, "Everyone you love makes you vulnerable and that means they'll hurt you one way or another and I just -"
"Good night, mom." I ended the call.
When Kihyun came out of the bathroom, I was lying on my bed, staring at some invisible point on the ceiling. He lied down next to me, waiting for me to say something. And even though we never talked about it, I knew just too well he knew what I was feeling.
I ran my fingers through his hair. Maybe it would also become an obsession of mine to do this, just like his pajamas were. Did he know how soft his hair was? Maybe. I'd tell him someday. For now, I was too tired to do anything else than look at him.
There was still another memory of that day in my mind, the forth one somewhere between the third and fifth, and while I wasn't sure whether I would tell Kihyun about his hair and his pajamas someday, I knew that forth memory should stay a memory of mine. It was a short one, a small one, me opening my locker somewhere in between sixth and seventh period, only to notice a little piece of paper slipping out of it that someone had placed inside of there.
we're not done yet just wait
No, I thought, my fingers touching Kihyun's temple as he was looking at me, a silent promise of protecting him in my mind, some memories shouldn't be shared.